I'm unsettled.

dreamdaisy · 23. Dec 2013, 18:03

This is my first Christmas as an elderly orphan and it is unsettling. Since we married in 1997 this festive season revolved around the parents and on keeping both sets 'happy'. Then after the deaths of our respective fathers it was centred upon the mothers; his mum died in October 2012 and mine in April 2013. Now it's just us. It's weird.

It was just us last year thanks to my double carpal tunnel op (I truly couldn't cope with my Ma coming to stay at the time and we had a lovely day) but now? I wish I had pushed myself that little bit further. Unlike Edith Piaf I have regrets. DD

tkachev · 24. Dec 2013, 05:41

That is the price you pay for having had a lovely relationship with your parents.

You can't live with regrets though DD as they eat you up so try and focus on the good times. Your Mum wouldn't judge you on that one Christmas, you had a very good reason to take care of yourself for a change and she would have understood that. You had a lifetime of lovely memories, now you need to focus on them.

Elizabeth x

dreamdaisy · 24. Dec 2013, 07:26

Thank you for your very kind words, Elizabeth, they are much appreciated. I hope you and yours have a lovely festive time and that you don't end up having to do everything. I'm sure tomorrow will go well for us, there's no reason why it shouldn't. DD

daffy2 · 24. Dec 2013, 07:43

It's not surprising you are unsettled DD, and I do sympathise. There are always times when we think 'I could/should have done more/different' - but there is no point in letting such thoughts root, and risk tainting current and future contentment( I too look for that rather than happiness)
What is probably not helping is that you cannot share with your mother this latest chapter in your life - the birth of my first grandchild was tinged with sadness for that reason. The positive side of that tristesse is that you had a close enough relationship that you wanted to share your news and excitement (and concerns?), because that is what you did while she was alive.
It's another context I realise but still seems appropriate 'Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all'

dachshund · 24. Dec 2013, 10:01

Hello DD
I think your mum is watching you seeing how well you cope with things
and saying I would do it that way.
you take care you are doing well you have got through a lot of problems this year.
have good 2014 both of you
joan xx

barbara12 · 24. Dec 2013, 10:48

I'm with Elizabeth on this one DD..of course you will feel unsettled...I had a few regrets when I lost my parents...but have learned to laugh at the things we did and smile at the childhood we had..early days for you but it will come...
Not that Christmas doesn't get to me...but its easier
:rudolph: xx

toady · 24. Dec 2013, 10:51

As an orphan of many years standing (on account of quite elderly when I was born) parents, & whose illness coincided with their poor health, I have plenty of my own regrets. All I have to think is: I could only realistically have done a first rate job of supporting them for a short time, it would not have been sustainable, & I would have 'folded' and been unable to help at all over what turned out to be quite a long period - so it would not have been any good gambling on a short saintly burst of support. So a lesser level of help throughout is all I could do, unsatisfactory though that was. That is probably the experience of many. From what I've read you did a LOT for your p's, so that should be something to bolster yourself with against the inevitable what ifs.

But it must indeed be unsettling, & hope you can strike the right festive balance for the two of you.

:noel: best wishes

dreamdaisy · 24. Dec 2013, 13:36

Oh. Oh my word. I can't see the keyboard because my eyes are leaking in a most unusual manner.

The differences between Christmas past and present are becoming apparent and I rather like the new 'traditions' I am establishing (a bunch of mistletoe hanging in our new porch is one). This is a time for him and me so to that end we have shut the gates at the end of our drive. We are snugly housed and I am thankful.

Thank you, each and everyone, for your care and support during this very difficult year. DD

frogmorton · 24. Dec 2013, 13:59

Elderly orphan??? ELDERLY Orphan

Indeed not!! A veritable whippersnapper you are :xmas_cheesygrin:

Seriously though. This will be a hard year for many reasons and you know I understand having been an orphan too young too. Our friends on here have said far better than I can how unnecessary and pointless it is to feel guilt. It's BAD for you :madnoel:

I was about to suggest you think of all the good stuff you and 'he' can now do together....you are and did you say GATE shut??

as Joey Essex would say "I'm well-jel"

love

Toni xx

tjt6768 · 26. Dec 2013, 06:25

I must admit it has been nice having mum he with us but for the last few yrs dad was alive they came to us for Christmas.. it's not three same and never will be, but we live on my darlin.
I send a thousand YBH's

Xxxxxxxxxx

numptynora · 26. Dec 2013, 08:59

tkachev wrote:

That is the price you pay for having had a lovely relationship with your parents.

You can't live with regrets though DD as they eat you up so try and focus on the good times. Your Mum wouldn't judge you on that one Christmas, you had a very good reason to take care of yourself for a change and she would have understood that. You had a lifetime of lovely memories, now you need to focus on them.

Elizabeth x

Very wise words Elizabeth, We all miss loved ones at this time of year DD and I'm sure yours would agree, try and focus on the 'now' with all the lovely memories you have x

applerose · 26. Dec 2013, 10:00

I always think the firsts of everything are the worst, first Christmas, first birthday etc. I lost my mum coming up to 2 years ago. It didn't seem right to enjoy Christmas last year but this year was a little easier. I still wanted to buy her a present so I'll take some flowers when I next go to dad's. I still leave her messages on her Facebook page and still send her thoughts of what's going on in my life. You don't get over it but it does get easier as time goes on DD.

dreamdaisy · 26. Dec 2013, 14:15

Thank you, each and every one, I apologise for not being around yesterday or today but I needed time, time for me and time with 'im indoors. We have had two tealights burning constantly since 6pm Christmas Eve, one for each mum, when the current ones burn out they will not be renewed. He has given me a memorable Christmas, I had a stocking full of little goodies, he decorated the sitting room with some strands of tinsel (in the dark so he wouldn't wake me - our bedroom leads straight from the sitting room) and he has done all the cooking. Spoiled is not the word but it will do for now.

Thank you. ((((())))) to all. DD

frogmorton · 27. Dec 2013, 04:19

Oooh DD

What a lovely man :xmas_cheesygrin:

I like the little tea-light ritual - good idea - just enough :areindeer:

Spoiling a little doesn't do any of us any harm once in a while

Take care now

Love

Toni xxx

bubbadog · 27. Dec 2013, 06:41

DD It's hard at this time of year. I can't lie and say it gets better, it doesn't! I suppose I'm lucky having my Mom still but I only see her on my Birthday and Christmas and she only lives in Gaydon! I see her for a couple of hours and she disappears till the next time! But not having my Mom & Dad in law is hard especially for my OH. We talk about funny memories and it does help little. I just hope you can see part the sadness and think about good memories as it does ease the pain alittle at this time of year. And think about the memories you can make in your new home.

I'm unsettled.

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