Sisters!

Slosh
Slosh Member Posts: 3,194
edited 4. Dec 2014, 03:27 in Living with Arthritis archive
Last week my sister slipped on the bottom stair and landed heavily on one side. Luckily nothing was broken and she hasn't been to her GP or A and E. Obviously I am pleased she hasn't hurt herslef badly, especially as she is 20 years older than me and in her early 70s.
However, she posted on facebook that she was using a walking stick (she had one at home, don't know why), and so was stuck indoors as it meant she couldn't go out!
Today we had our regular weekly chat and I asked how her leg was. She complained about not being able to go out, and that she had needed lifts to Church and then just had to sit there rather than get refreshments ready (because of the stick). I bit my tongue.
She then went on to say that it meant that this coming Friday she wouldn't be able to visit her daughter if she was still using the stick. At this I couldn't help but say that wasn't a reason not to go. Her response was " Oh, I knew you'd say that." and she then changed the subject.
Feel quite upset, silly I know but she clearly didn't stop to think about the fact I am now on crutches.
He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
Julian of Norwich

Comments

  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 27,697
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Just to play Devil's Advocate for a minute, might it be possible it's not the stick itself but the pain that requires it? If she's not seen a doc or had an x-ray how can she be sure it's not broken? If she's a tough cookie she might be happier blaming a stick than admitting to pain.
    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    Steven Wright
  • mig
    mig Member Posts: 7,154
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    She might be a bit nervous now,i am extra careful coming down the stairs since i fell. Mig
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I suspect she might now just beginning to realise that the frailties of ageing may be dawning, I guess her self-confidence has taken a massive blow and she is probably very shaken up. It is hard for us to listen and respond sympathetically to the apparently minor or trivial aches and pains of others but we have to rise above that and react with empathy. This is not an easy situtation for either of you. DD
    Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben
  • LignumVitae
    LignumVitae Member Posts: 1,972
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I understand entirely where you are coming from and have encountered a lack of sensitivity from close relatives myself in terms of 'it's different for you' :roll: I wonder if this was your big sister's big sisterly way of avoiding eating any humble pie about the way she has been with you?
    Hey little fighter, things will get brighter
  • Slosh
    Slosh Member Posts: 3,194
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I agree. If I'm honest it didn't help that I was having a bad weekend after a tough week at work.
    I was annoyed that she didn't make any comment along the lines of showing an understanding with how I manage all the time and there is a massive difference in how she was happy to just sit while others did things for her, while I hate it when I have to do that.
    It's a lot to do with our relationship which has always been complex and some of the things she has said to me over the past year.

    Got an unexpected day off today as the heating at school has broken down so I am making the most of an extra rest day.

    LV, I think you may be right.
    He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
    Julian of Norwich
  • LignumVitae
    LignumVitae Member Posts: 1,972
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Enjoy your day off.

    I totally understand where you are coming from and the frustration it causes. I've had the joys of my sister in law being given a POSSIBLE diagnosis of a possible auto-immune illness to do with her thyroid. Her and my brother kept repeatedly making strange comments about how she had an official POSSIBLE diagnosis because I have laboured for years under the unofficial role of having an arthritis with no name. Once my arthritis got given not one but two names they stopped the digs and are now just hell bent on going at it about how she doesn't take medication because she doesn't want to be on it for life and instead is doing her fancy diet which involved sprouts fried in lard for breakfast :shock: . It really got to me when things were tough a few months back, it is now my almost constant source of humour and childish sniggerings. It must be quite a luxury being able to decide that you would prefer not to take the meds though. I await their slices of humble pie being choked upon.

    I think your sister has just gone through the thing my friend so eloquently describes as a bubble burst. She has lived all that time with her views on you and how you should be doing things now that bubble has burst. Equal to your sister now sitting on her bum and not having a go - I rarely discuss my arthritis with anybody - my sister in law is an official herald for her diet to solve auto-immune ailments. It turns me into Tom the Cabin boy from Captain Pugwash and it's just the role for you at the moment - 'Tom the Cabinboy smiled and said nothing'.
    Hey little fighter, things will get brighter
  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 27,697
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I'm glad you have an unofficial day of as it sounds as if you sorely needed it.

    Healthy people, I sometimes think, are as much of a mystery to us as we are to them.

    Sprouts for breakfast, LV? If ever a punishment fitted the crime, that one does :lol:
    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    Steven Wright
  • Slosh
    Slosh Member Posts: 3,194
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thanks Sticky, I must admit I am feeling the benefit. Friday was very hard emotionally as much as anything else as it endedup with a child being placed in emergency care under police protection and his Mother being arrested. Glad he was safe, and it's all part of my job but it's always hard.
    He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
    Julian of Norwich
  • GraceB
    GraceB Member Posts: 1,595
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    It is hard to hold your counsel at times, do the deep breathing and count to ten.

    I used to disagree with my late sister regularly. I'd give anything to be able to squabble with her again but we lost her to cancer Feb 2013 when she was just 51.

    Your sister probably cares deeply for you as indeed I am sure you do for her. Treasure the time you spend together- it's precious. Smile at her and she may just smile back. Above all, tell your loved ones that you love them.

    GraceB
    Turn a negative into a positive!
  • Slosh
    Slosh Member Posts: 3,194
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Wise words. That is why I do often hold my tongue when talking to her, it's not worth the risk of upsetting her. One problem is we see our relationship differently. I see us as equals but she tries to take on the role of a parent. I do love her and know she loves me.
    You must miss your sister a lot, I know I woukd miss mine.
    He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
    Julian of Norwich
  • tkachev
    tkachev Member Posts: 8,332
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Sprouts fried in lard! I'd much rather be on medication for life than eat that!
    Never be bullied into silence.
    Never allow yourself to be made a victim.
    Accept no ones definition of your life

    Define yourself........

    Harvey Fierstein
  • LignumVitae
    LignumVitae Member Posts: 1,972
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thanks for that Elizabeth - you just provided me with a much needed laugh! She has taken to facebook to record how she can't have an advent calendar because they don't do lardy sprout ones and chocolate is off her menu. I too would go down the meds route rather than eat sprouts fried in lard for breakfast. Does give me a good regular supply of laughs though - meditate for an hour before you get out of bed is another rule, I do, I meditate on my celebrex and paracetamol and whether they will do enough to get me to the shower.
    Hey little fighter, things will get brighter
  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 27,697
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Slosh wrote:
    I see us as equals but she tries to take on the role of a parent.

    My sister is 8 yrs older than me and, although the age gap is much smaller than that between you and yours, similar things apply. I guess it's harder for the older sibling to adjust to the relationship changing as the younger one grows up. They've been the wiser one for so long but suddenly these young sprogs expect their own views to be taken every bit as seriously. Plus, my sister is extremely conservative (with a small 'c' – actually, with a large one too :lol: ). I've had to adapt and change and forge new pathways. My sister is the kindest of souls and would always help in any emergency but she would do so as a benign dictator and her ways and solutions are not mine. I have a much easier relationship with my brother, her twin.
    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    Steven Wright
  • theresak
    theresak Member Posts: 1,998
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    My sister is 9 years younger than me, and sometimes it seems that all we have in common are our genes. It's not that we aren't close, but it's because we are sisters - were we not, I doubt we'd be close friends, there are so many differences.

    I know she would be there if I needed her, and vice versa, and that's what counts. I do get a bit frustrated with her, as I think she read a medical book once, as she's always got something. Nothing as common as RA, mind you!
  • LignumVitae
    LignumVitae Member Posts: 1,972
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    In my experience, big brothers aren't much different. Mine still thinks he knows more, has seen more and does more than me. He does live in America but is culturally void in many ways and just has a very narrow existence and imagination. He'd be there in a crisis but at such times usually needs a bit of 'go here and do this' so he assumes his role as older child but is quite useless in the role.
    Hey little fighter, things will get brighter
  • Starburst
    Starburst Member Posts: 2,546
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I posted not that long ago about my sister who declared that I "had no idea how much pain" she was in after wearing very high heels. :roll: It stuck with me for a long time and I spent a lot of time reflecting on it. I've learned that it's not always easy to put yourself in another person's shoes, particularly if you're not that way inclined. It's even harder to put yourself in the shoes of someone who is wearing very uncomfortable shoes indeed. It's simpler to avoid the hard thoughts too, sometimes. Perhaps she doesn't want to think about what it's like for you because it's too difficult to 'go there'.

    Human relationships are rarely simple. We are thrown together, not always through choice but through the genetic lottery. I have frequently looked at my sister and wondered if we really share the same parents. :lol:
  • Slosh
    Slosh Member Posts: 3,194
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I think you are right, she also has quite old fashioned views around disability, she was shocked when a couple of years ago a friend's brother who had spinal bifida and mild learning difficulties got married to another resident in the same sheltered housing as him, and she also seems to equate disability with inability. I know she also finds it hard to accept that I am not going to recover, and doesn't think I should still be working, and although she is older than me I have a much wider life experience than her in many ways.

    But she is the only sister I have, I know she loves me, and I love her.
    She went to the walk in centre and her leg is fine which I am pleased about.
    He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
    Julian of Norwich
  • GraceB
    GraceB Member Posts: 1,595
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    In the word 'disabled' you can find the word 'able'. Also 'disability' includes the word 'abilify'. Makes you think ...

    GraceB
    Turn a negative into a positive!
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    GraceB? That does indeed make one think - it's a very good point.

    I've always appreciated being an only, my Ma taught me self-reliance when I was a child, which was the most useful lesson and used everyday: I wonder sometimes if she knew what was ahead for me? Families are complicated things, Mr DD and his brother are chalk-and-cheese in character, nature and temperament.

    Having siblings must be tricky - methinks that age gaps and differing life experiences can, if allowed, cause an un-necessary gulf. DD
    Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben
  • Starburst
    Starburst Member Posts: 2,546
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    GraceB wrote:
    In the word 'disabled' you can find the word 'able'. Also 'disability' includes the word 'abilify'. Makes you think ...

    It does make you think. I've heard some people use the word 'differently abled' especially with regards to certain disabilities like visual impairments and autism. If we (as a society) are seriously looking at breaking down the barriers, then actually the word 'disabled' can be disabling in itself, as can the blanket way we categorize a group of people as 'the disabled'.
  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 27,697
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Starburst wrote:
    If we (as a society) are seriously looking at breaking down the barriers, then actually the word 'disabled' can be disabling in itself, as can the blanket way we categorize a group of people as 'the disabled'.

    A very valid point, Sophie. I've said before on here that I still recall the horror I felt when I realised I was disabled – not slower or in pain or in need of gadgets etc but DISABLED. I'd jumped a chasm.

    I think many 'able-bodied' people, especially in the current economic climate, also see it as a chasm and see 'us' as a drain on 'their' society. It's easier to see our disabilities than our abilities. It's not helped by the way some people so willingly play the disabled card to get an edge in many ways. What happened to pride and self-respect?

    We arthritics are lucky because our disabilities are only physical. We still have the ability to see ways through them and forward. Lumping every disability into one class – The Disabled – simply plays to the misconception that there are simply two groups – us and them.

    'Differently abled', though? I've got to admit I'd consign the term to the same bin as 'Happy Holidays' instead of Happy Christmas and 'person of colour' as if the rest of us were transparent. I am, as I believe Orwell said, pinko-grey :lol:

    Imagine the hassle of accessing any benefits at all if we were merely 'differently abled' :shock:
    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
    Steven Wright
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I've never found the term 'disabled' distressing because I am and have been since I was a child. So what? :? I realised aged eight that others have lovely lives but that was not for me: maybe now they'll catch up and it will hurt hard. Jolly good. 8)

    Mr DD is currently making a huge hoo-hah about dealing with his tennis elbow. Diddums. :wink: I know I should care more but I am finding it difficult because it's only one joint. That, to me, is luxury, which is soooo not the point: for him it's an outrage, and rightly so. :(

    Any form of infirmity is challenging, end of. DD


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    Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben
  • Slosh
    Slosh Member Posts: 3,194
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I know that with my professional hat on when reviewing the progress of pupils with SEN and/or disabilities I always look at what is going well and areas of strength as well as difficulties.
    However I do feel that with some, not all staff at the school I work in I have to prove to them that I can still do my job, albeit with some modifications. Not surprisingly they also seem to the same staff who are sometimes less than SEN/disability/Inclusion friendly! Luckily though they are in the minority.
    He did not say you will not be storm tossed, you will not be sore distressed, you will not be work weary. He said you will not be overcome.
    Julian of Norwich
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I had some interesting conversations with friends around the time of the London Paralympics - the common theme was they can do all that so why can't you? The fact that I cannot move without pain was immaterial, they could see people without limbs etc. racing around ergo I could to, if only I'd put my mind to it. :roll: (And yes, I was told that by a very dear friend whom I love to bits.)

    The human race likes to classify its members according to race, religion, colour, accents, class, abilities etc., we find the labels a convenient shorthand for deciding what we think is what. The fact that we are very often wrong is neither here-nor-there but changing that method of classification will always be an uphill struggle. We see people differently because we see ourselves in a different light. DD
    Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben