Relationship affected by RA

rainlondon · 7. Feb 2010, 19:03

Nice to meet you all,

I have had RA for about a year and have found it very hard to maintain a good relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years. I sometimes cannot help feeling very angry that he doesn't show much understanding. It took him months to read a leaflet about RA I asked him to read and I've noticed that he actually has forgotten about what were written in the leaflet. I've started feeling very distant from him and tried to talk to him but he just says he cannot be more supportive as he's often stressed out about his work etc. He thinks I'm depressed and should see a professional for that. I may be depressed that I don't notice he's actually supportive? Or he's not supportive at all? I don't know anymore as I've thought about this too much.

I have two questions here. How have you dealt with it if you've had similar experience? Also, anyone knows which is better to ask to refer me to a couselor? Rheumatologist (NHS) or GP? Thank you very much in advance...

skezier · 7. Feb 2010, 20:21

Hi Rainlondon,

Nice to meet you as well but sorry you have the arthritis. I hope you will find the site useful and they are a nice lot here.

Its not always easy to fully except conditions, and that sadly goes for partners as well. I can't really answer your first question but the councillor one I did do and it was through the gp initially before I found my old one would see me again. At this doctors I use they give you 6 sessions and the councillor got an extension of another 6 but I needed a 'bit' more than that so thats when she found my old on was still practicing and I started seeing her again.

Its sometimes good to be able to talk through the condition as well as the junk in the head cus its hard to have the diagnosis. I wonder if you could both see one for a min? Sometimes that can help cus the diagnosis does effect you both, though in different ways. I really hope you can get some help with it all. Sending you a ((( ))) and a hope tomorrow will be a better day for you. Cris

elnafinn · 7. Feb 2010, 21:26

Welcome to the forum, Rainlondon,

I am sorry to read your thread. You have only been diagnosed for one year and it has been a huge shock and you are going through all the different emotions. This is not at all abnormal and these different feelings cannot be rushed. It takes as long as it takes. Your boyfriend is in shock too. Men tend to like to fix/make things better and he sees that he cannot and he is at a loss as to what to do and how to react. He may well be burying his head in the sand.

Women often find it easier to talk and share their problems with others but men are not always so good at this. When we feel we are being rebuffed by our nearest and dearest it is an added blow when we are already feeling very delicate.

It does help to talk, it lessens the burdon even if there are no immediate solutions.

I would suggest a visit to your gp and get a referral for counselling. Cris's suggestion that your boyfriend may well benefit by becoming involved with the counsellor too is a good one, perhaps some separate sessions for both of you as well as together.

Have your discussed with your boyfriend about seeing a counsellor as a way forward?

Do keep calling in on here, we will try to help as much as we can.

Luv
Elna x

dolittle · 8. Feb 2010, 01:30

Hello Rainlondon,
Glad you joined the site. You'll find a lot of wise help here.

I would agree that, if your boyfriend is in agreement, then you go together. It will save him feeling shut out and you will know that he has the same knowledge about it as you. Then you can both head in the same direction with your relationship. Personally I would talk to your GP first. Don't beat yourself about feeling down -we've all been through it - it goes with the territory.

I do wish you well ..... keep your chin up. Let's know how you get on.
Dolittle

valval · 8. Feb 2010, 03:08

i know a year seams a long time to you but it not long really to get your head around it all most men r a bit selfish and do not always realise how much suport do you feel you are depressed or are you just going down this road as he sugests it . i was bad the other day and did not go to work messaged oh was staying home had to go get blood test done then was going to bed to get some sleep when he got in do you think he came to see if i needed anything well no as he knows i would have taken one with me it just the way i am. i would have checked he had what he needed if positions were reverced as i am more of a carer than him it just the way we are lol i still love him for who he is. so you have to work out what type of personality he is as it hard for men to know what help to give and even to notice when things r bad lol (not all men just some)

tkachev · 8. Feb 2010, 04:40

Welcome to the forum,
When I first got R.A 10 years ago my OH carried on as normal.I was struggling to deal with 2 little children.I felt uncared for.
It took a while but he eventually accepted he would have to do more. now I am better he has cut his input right down.His mum does everything at home so it is just the way he was brought up.
But he is still here!Despite lack of sex,me 4 stone heavier and often collapsing in bed exhausted from the effort of the day.I try not to take it personally anymore it is just the way he is. I try to look at the good things he does do.There are times when I get frustrated that I am doing most of the housework and its even worse when he tells everybody he does everything!
As long as your partner is not being cruel and unkind then I think he is trying to be supportive in the ways he can.I dont remember what is in the leaflets either.I find them boring.
Counselling could help.If you go alone it will give you a chance to offload and put things in perspective.You might look at things from a different angle.It is all very new to you both and a learning process.
Best wishes
Elizabeth

chile168 · 8. Feb 2010, 04:53

Hi Rain and welcome!

Sorry to hear that you have RA but glad you have found this forum as people are friendly, understanding, supportive and honest.

It's hard to get others to understand how you are feeling because we look find on the outside. I remember that at the beginning I wanted people, specially the husband to have my body so that he could understand the level of pain I had and how difficult things were becoming including the simplest task. Unfortunately, my husband was not supportive, I gave him leaflets to read on Lupus as that was original diagnosis and then he started using it against me, getting back at me emotionally and psychologically. He had his issues and I had mine. I started to distance myself and even intimacy became a problem, not just because I was angry but because of the pain, tiredness etc. I felt he was there but not there if that makes sense. We are no longer together and 2009 also diagnosed with RA.

I have been seeing a counsellor (psycho-therapist) since 2007 and it's slowly helping. I have done both group therapy and one-to-one therapy and out of the two, would say one-to-one is better. Your GP has to refer you as they have control of of where you get referred to. However, if he/she is unsupportive then you can speak to the rheumatologist about it and they may refer you.

Good luck hun and hope your relationship with your boyfriend improves.

Eve x

tkachev · 8. Feb 2010, 05:45

Hi again,
Have a look at Penfactors post on the LWA thread. It is also about relationship difficulties,
Best wishes
Elizabeth x

maud48 · 8. Feb 2010, 06:45

I think others have made some really good comments about men. If they can't fix things they don't seem to know how to deal with them. It took my OH about a year to come to terms with my arfur. I'm so glad you have found this forum as the people on it have helped me so much and I know they will help you too. It's all a lot to come to terms with and we need to talk about it even if ment don't or can't,
maudx

fester · 8. Feb 2010, 07:14

As some may know on here i've had arfur and a.s now for about 42 years, my dear wife Gill has devotedly looked after me for 15 of those years no questions asked. I took it for granted what she did until the day came she too started having severe r.a together with surgical problems, i as a man feel so helpless to help knowing there is not much i can do except give her the love and support she needs, which is the way your partner feels i suspect. Somehow he has got to come to terms with your health problems and that includes those of intimacy as well, apart from a kiss and cuddle that's all Gill and i can do at the moment and trust me from a mans point of view its not easy and gets very frustrating at times but its got to be dealt with.
Not much of a answer i know but i wish you both well.
Steve

angel1 · 8. Feb 2010, 07:20

I am so sorry that you are having all these additional worries with regards to your relationship.

You have decided that you would like to see a Counsellor, and this is very important. The decision has to be yours, for you to have complete benefit.

As a Counsellor myself, I have to say that most Counsellor`s would want to see you on your own initially. If you think about it, the whole point of the process is for the client to be able to offload whatever is troubling them, in a safe environment, with someone they trust. No matter how close you are to another person, in my experience, there are always issues regarding not wanting to hurt the other`s feelings. This can result in not being completely open. Once you have reached a certain stage in the process, your Counsellor will advise you if she/he thinks couples counselling will benefit you.

In the first instance, see your GP. I do know that the waiting lists are quite long on the NHS. If you wanted to see someone more quickly, then you will find a list of qualified practitioners, in your Yellow Pages. Also, you can look at the website for the BACP - British Association of Counsellors, and Psychotherapists. Obviously you will be charged if you go down that route.

If you need any further information, please PM me, and I will do all I can to help........Ange.

rainlondon · 8. Feb 2010, 13:14

Thank you so much for your replies. I can't tell you how glad I am I posted it last night. After having read all messages, I'm now thinking that I probably have ignored good things he does for me and may have been focusing on what he doesn't do. My pain increased over the weekend and when I'm in this dark place, I just cannot see things from different angles. I will contact my GP and hopefully, have some sessions with a counsellor. I often get overwhelmed with so many different feelings and emotions about RA so I think I need help from a professional. I'm so glad I've reached this forum. wish you all a peaceful week...

milliemoo · 8. Feb 2010, 14:05

Hi Rainlondon,

Arthritis is all new to me and my hubby.. We're having to adjust, which at times can be very tough and emotional... I hope given time we can get there and I truly know how you feel.

I'm not the 1 with arthritis but I had to adjust my life 5 years ago due to another condition, so I'm very aware of all the life changing factors.

I wish you well and send you all my love and support xxxx

rainlondon · 10. Feb 2010, 16:57

Thanks, milliemoo. I hope you and your husband will go through fine too

Relationship affected by RA

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