Arthritis and Your Relationship with Your Partner(s)

ninakang

Hello

Just been reading the post about What Do You Miss and I didn't really have anything to contribute because my RA has only recently been diagnosed and, although I do have bad days, it's not affecting my life long term yet (what I can't do today, I'll probably be able to do tomorrow etc). Hopefully, it will stay this way, if not, then I'll be coming on here a lot more!

Anyway, what did interest me was the references to sex. The funny posts did make me laugh (oh the images going through my mind now!) but also I am interested in how this affects your overall relationship with your OH.

I think it's a taboo in society, people with disabilities having sexual needs. I'm sure that's why there's only one disabled toilet for men or women. So let's have a chat about it just to prove them wrong :-)

Like I say, we still have a normal relationship but I do have bad days where I'm not capable of doing anything. How does everyone else cope? And how do your OHs feel?

Nx

frogmorton

HI Nina
Oooh!! What a subject. I think it's best not to let arthur in bed with you!!
Seriously though it can make you feel a bit unatractive and unsexy at times can't it? Mmmm...
Will atch this thread with interest!
Toni x

ninakang

Hi Toni,

Just to reiterate that this thread wasn't my idea - I'm picking up on some conversations in the "What do you miss?" thread :-)

But yes, I think this one will be an interesting one!

Nx

woodbon

Sex is still very much on the agenda, but not as often as it used to be! We have gone from our early days of 'at it like rabbits' to a much gentler slower pace. We talk about it and laugh at our energy in those days. I think we've found a deeper careing relationship, with the sex as the icing on the cake. Quality now, not quanitiy! I think its not just the physical difficulties, but growing older, or I should say more mature, together.

suzster

my sex drive left the building when arthur came along, which i find really upsetting.
we've only been married 3 and a bit years and my poor hubby has a totally different wife now.
i feel very guilty about it to be honest.
it's nothing to do with how i feel as a person, i just don't have any 'urges' anymore, so i've gone from someone who never had a problem getting going (lol, sorry!!) to a person with no interest at all.
i've brought this up on here before so i know i'm not alone.

i also feel bad that 3 years ago my hubby married a happy and apart from a metal hip healthy person, fun loving and active, now i'm always tired, can't walk very far, i get annoyed at the things i can't do anymore.

hmm, i'll stop now as i'm depressing myself, but arthur has totally changed mine and my families life.

nearlybionic

Hi
This thread made me smile! After my diagnosis and subsequent surgery, yes , we have had to `do` things differently. :oops: However, arthur has not ruined that side of things. We won`t let it!!
I was quite annoyed at a comment made by my mum recently though. She was offering to have my kids overnight so we could `concentrate on our marriage`!!! :shock: I asked my hubby if we had a problem, and he said not at all!! I was very tempted to tell her how soon things resumed after my op just to shut her up!! :roll:
(sorry if too much info!!)
NB

frogmorton

ninakang wrote:

Hi Toni,

Just to reiterate that this thread wasn't my idea - I'm picking up on some conversations in the "What do you miss?" thread :-)

But yes, I think this one will be an interesting one!

Nx

Nina!
Stop pretending to be all innocent now - It's too late for that!!!!!
Toni x

slummymummy

I thought having young 2 children made having a sex life difficult (ours are 2 and 7). But now having RA aswell, has just about been the nail in the coffin. It's hard to feel sexy when everything hurts. My sex drive has almost disappeared too. I'm not sure whether this is from exhaustion, or from the methotrexate.

My husband is a very healthy 34-year-old, with a very healthy sex drive :shock: :roll: This whole situation must be very hard for him (oops! excuse the pun :oops: ). lol. well, you've gotta laugh, haven't you!

But on a serious note, it does worry me. I do wonder whether he'll be tempted to stray...... of course he will. Which would break my heart, but who would blame him??

ninakang

I'm glad a lot of us are still "going strong" :-) And that we're being frank on this.

Suzster, I think you should share these feelings with your hubby, I bet he adores you and would be sad to hear how you really feel about the physical stuff. Whilst sex is important in a relationship, it's not the most important thing and there are "other" ways to do it, not just penetration (I'm REALLY going to get kicked out now!).

Nx

ninakang

*lol* Toni - I never pretended to be innocent but credit where credit's due, I didn't start this discussion!

Slummymummy, aqain, try talking to your OH about how you feel. And why do you think he would stray? Not all men are like Ken Barlow, y'know!

Nx

ms_seronegative

Hello
I thought I would join in this one.
I can completely sympathise with Suzster - I have absolutely zero sex drive too. I am married and have been with my husband for many years, so we are of course not as "active" as when we first go together, but I really cannot muster up any energy.
This does make my husband upset as he is very healthy and has all the normal drives. We have talked about it, but I haven't been able to really change how I am feeling.

There must be plenty of other people out there experiencing the same thing and I have been dying to talk to someone about it, so I am glad this topic has come up.

ritnew

I think this is a good healthy topic and will be lots of help to lots of people including me.
Well done Nina for starting it.
I'm afraid arthur climbed into bed with us ages ago. I too had thoughts my oh would stray but he's assured me he wouldn't dream of it, he's worried about hurting me so sticks to just a cuddle. Marriage is more than just sex, it does go a long way to a good relationship, but if you have a good one in the first place I don't think you should worry. What if the boot was on the other foot would you just abandon your partner. I've always said that infidelity isn't worth it, for 30mins fun you could end up with a lifetime of unhappiness.

woodbon

nearlybionic wrote:

Hi
This thread made me smile! After my diagnosis and subsequent surgery, yes , we have had to `do` things differently. :oops: However, arthur has not ruined that side of things. We won`t let it!!
I was quite annoyed at a comment made by my mum recently though. She was offering to have my kids overnight so we could `concentrate on our marriage`!!! :shock: I asked my hubby if we had a problem, and he said not at all!! I was very tempted to tell her how soon things resumed after my op just to shut her up!! :roll:
(sorry if too much info!!)
NB

Maybe she was a embaressed, and put it a bit clumsily!!!

lindalegs

This is such a dfifficult one for all of us both in relationships and single. From the arthritics point of view it's something we both need and (should) enjoy but at times when we're in pain it gets pushed to the back of our minds.

Our partners have very frustrating lives at times because, I find, no matter how hard I try the effort I'm able to put in maybe not what he would like me to be able to do for him. Whoever heard of someone who moves like a robot doing a graceful striptease :roll:

From the woman's point of view sex to me is an affirmation of our love and doesn't have to be athletic or even adventurous - but I know my husband would like it differently but is that because men have another take on sex? I was different when I was younger before my RA but even when I'm fairly painfree it can never be what it was.

As I've said before a man's apetite for sex is usually at it's peak first thing in the morning when we're both stiff but for totally different reasons :shock: :oops:

Sometimes a cuddle just isn't enough, for him, and he is truly understanding and so very patient but I've seen the disappointment in his eyes.... and yes we have talked about this, many times.

Sex toys help but it's not the same is it?

Maybe a glass of wine with a couple of paracetamols might do the trick

Luv Legs

eckstardeluxe

To be honest my hubby is such a caring sympathetic person I feel more guilty that he is being so understanding rather than having it less. I do make the effort. The day of my diagnosis I was having a real breakdown on the phone to my Mum, she couldn't believe it as I've always been so strong, I actually said :oops: "Mum I can't even have sex", we have never been open about that topic. I was so shocked when she said sympathetically "Alex you just try and do it another way, one that's comfortable for you" :oops: just to hear my Mum say those words shocked me into happiness again.

ninakang

Blimey ecks! I don't think I've ever mentioned sex to my parents in the 32 years I've been alive!

Nx

joanlawson

Hi Nina
Well done for having the courage to discuss this topic.

Have you noticed that it is mainly women who are willing to admit that arthritis is affecting their sex lives :?: Perhaps it is something men don't like to discuss, or admit to having problems with, but I'm sure that it affects men too. A combination of the pain, medication, and fatigue is bound to take it's toll on all areas of life, sex included.

I have been married for 43 years, so I think I can claim to understand a little bit about long-term relationships, although each couple's is unique to them, so I hesitate to make any sweeping statements. However, I think that no-one's life runs smoothly all the time; there are good times and bad, periods of good health and illness, but love and loyalty to your partner can carry you through. Interwoven with this is sex, which also goes in phases according to what else is happening in your life. The important thing is communication, so that if things aren't going well,you can talk about it. I think men in particular often bottle things up, and don't like to talk about their feelings.

There seems to be an assumption that men will stray if their partners can't meet their sexual needs. There don't seem to be many men expressing the same worries about their wives/partners. Relationships should be built on trust, and maybe if we feel so insecure because of having arthritis, we should discuss our fears frankly with our partners.

Joan

slummymummy

Just laughing at the title of this topic: "Relationships with your partner(s)". Anyone here with arthritis got more than one partner? He He . I'd like to know.

OK, on a practical note, I'd just like to add that one thing that did really help me was the steroid injection I had last year when I was first diagnosed. It made me very 'interested' again, and I even found myself buying things from Ann Summers, which is very unlike me :P :oops:

Also, ladies, I've heard about a new form of contraception called NuvaRing, or something like that, which has a side-effect of increasing libido. I don't know if you can get it on the NHS yet, but I'm definately going to ask my GP about it. A female version of viagra, I suppose.

Anyone tried any other things? Are there any good herbal cures out there?

eckstardeluxe

ninakang wrote:

Blimey ecks! I don't think I've ever mentioned sex to my parents in the 32 years I've been alive!

Nx

There's still time Nina, that was 11 days before my 33rd Birthday!

mistywillow

eckstardeluxe wrote:

ninakang wrote:

Blimey ecks! I don't think I've ever mentioned sex to my parents in the 32 years I've been alive!

Nx

There's still time Nina, that was 11 days before my 33rd Birthday!

Hi all
So now I learn what really goes on in forums
Well done Nina, its always a difficult subject to discuss openly and personally although as a society it can be shouted from the rooftops, shown on TV etc!

Afraid Im a bit with Suzer and slummymum on this one and any of you others that feel things are not what they used to be!
Have been with my OH for 35 years and of course after that length of time you accept the whole package as it is not the most important part of the relationship.

Its difficult to enjoy anything when you are in pain let alone anything physical. I probably would be happy to give it a miss but that would be very unfair to OH
Also dont feel very attractive any more, Im scrawny and I limp, my spinal problems make me look like the leaning tower of Pisa and I have lumpy bumpy hands and feet. I so didnt look like that when we got hitched
love Gillx

katekelly

The problem I've got is that I'm gagging for it and Hubby is scaredincase he hurts me!!! (sorry too much info there!!) :oops:

jalith3

katekelly wrote:

The problem I've got is that I'm gagging for it and Hubby is scaredincase he hurts me!!! (sorry too much info there!!) :oops:

Hi you lot
Well I have had a horrid morning - too much bad feeling within these walls now. I am imminent for TKR (knees) but want to lose more weight first.
I have just read this topic and you guys have cheered me so much - I'm sitting here having a good belly laugh!!
What a shame we can't all get together - we would hoot, the blood pressure would go down, and being amongst those that share the same sorts of problems - it would be a tonic for all......
Try and enjoy your day all
Sarah

ninakang

slummymummy wrote:

Just laughing at the title of this topic: "Relationships with your partner(s)". Anyone here with arthritis got more than one partner? He He . I'd like to know.

Well done Slummymummy - I was wondering who'd be the first to notice my cheeky title! Well, you never know!

I have to say I'm pleased about how everyone's opened up on this topic and you're right Joan, what about the lads?! I bet they're reading it though!

I have to say that I've withdrawn conjugal rights this week, not because I'm feeling bad, but because my husband said that he thought an actress on TV was very beautiful :-( Yes, I am sulking *lol*

Nx