I am in a rut!!!

mistywillow

Hi All
I have RA (10years) and have had 3 bouts of major spinal surgery over the past 20 years due to a different condition culminating in nearly all my vertebrae being fused apart from a few in my neck.. Like most of you I am in constant pain. Some days better than others but even on those days pain and stiffness really limit what I can do.

You can tell a moan coming on cant you.......

I live on a farm with all the animals I rescued over the years when I was fitter. (and my OH and 2 grown up daughters)
I cant go back to either of my former jobs. (Physio for 13 years then research scientist until my body finally protested too much)
So I now help OH run his business, which he does from home.
It is not something I enjoy,(selling printers and lasers) I have never liked admin or office type work. I put in a long day. Animal feeding starts at 7.00am. Work finishes at approx 6pm then there is the feeding of animals again, supper to make and clear up. A general tidy up. (lots of people milling around all day long, at least 5 staff each day to help process orders etc)
I eventually have my shower and fall into bed at about 11.pm
And then the next day begins.

Now the moan....... I struggle through the day and dread the thought of any social arrangements certainly on weekday eves, but also on the weekend. I just want to catch up stuff like food shopping or just chill out and relax a bit. We dont take holidays any more (due to my arthritis and OH not wanting to close the business . Wages have to be paid and money only comes in on the days we are open as its internet sales)

If anyone is still awake.... My OH says I lack enthusiasm to do anything, go out etc. Its true, but I view going out as just another thing that increases the pain I am in.
So you can sort of see the rut ive fallen into and not sure how to climb out. Suggestions gratefully received

love Gillx

vonski

Hi Gill

I'm so glad that you felt able to share how you feel, you had me fooled :oops: I can't really offer any great advice but I can understand where you are coming from. You put in such long days and never get the chance for a bit of me time and re-charge your batteries. Have you tried explaining to you OH it would be nice if you could just take time out and relax. I can understand him not wanting to take too many hols but maybe you could manage a long weekend or a Monday to Friday sort of thing, something where you can take things at your own pace and rest when needed. If he doesn't feel like he can go how about a pamper break with your daughters or a friend. I know a break won't solve your problems but it might make you feel a whole lot better. Tell him you can't be superwoman all the time. You do a fantastic job but need a break and try and put yourself first for a change

Love
Vonski x

ritnew

I tried to answer this several times but I really don't have an answer. I think we all get stuck in a rut sometimes, this might sound daft but the weather doesn't help, the pain is always worse when it's cold and raining and who wants to go out in the rain.
How about a meal out or go and get your hair done, my mum was a great believer in getting your hair done to make yourself feel better.
I had to explain to my oh why I couldn't do the things I used to do, it was as if he hadn't noticed what was going on with me, I do force myself now and again though and I take my strongest painkillers, I sometimes suffer for it but always end up enjoying myself. It's just nice to have time away from the house on our own if only for an hour or two. I'm sure as Vonski said time away if just a weekend will be well spent and give you some much needed rest a change of scene and get you out of your rut.

Rita X

skezier

Hi Gill,

I thought something was going on with you. Like Rita I have tried to answer you a couple of times.

It's always hard when you are being pulled in different directions and doing something day in day out that you don't especially enjoy doing work wise. It is hell to have people in your house all day, they never knock and you can't do your own thing till they go but is it possible to put a downstairs room out of bounds to them so you have somewhere you can go that is your space?

Things may get easier, I think ruts are only so deep and you know sooner or later they go shallow again......... I wish I could lend you a shovel and fill them in for you, but they will fill in at some point, they always do.

You take some time for your self and do your own thing a bit in between all the things that have to be done and a giant great ((((( ))))) for you. Love Cris xx

jennywren

No one is in a rut well not really because we can all get out of ruts I have done it with my dreadful arthrititis and I did it and so can you if you can remain focused Jenny

colinone

Hello Gill
Gosh this is a hard one as Rita says there really isn’t an answer or rather the answer lies in you. I know its hard because your question revolves around your other half and your finances. You cant really say you have weekends off because your catching up on stuff you missed out on in the week and still have the animals and family to look after. I started my own business I built a shop from scratch bought all the materials and hired a couple of builders. Within a year the shop had paid for itself and we where living the high life. I then decided to expand and took on a salesman and bought him a van to carry the stock. To show him the ropes I would go out with him during the evening and soon that took off and I was now working with him and running the shop. I took on more staff but still needed to be at the shop each day. We opened 6 days 8 till 8 and on Monday Wednesday and Friday I worked in the evening some times getting home at 1am not only was I living the high life but now earning the sort of money I had always dreamed of. It wasn’t enough and I then opened market stalls 5 of them in different markets. I thrived on it my own little empire. My wife well she just done her job then would come to the shop or one of the stalls and some nights out with me on the road, look after me and the house that now looked like a warehouse. So I got myself a little night club a social club really one of those that never close. Who did I put in charge the wife. Well she never had much to do anyway and she only worked 37 hours in her own job. We only saw each other at work and seldom went home anyway except to sleep. But it all caught up with us we began to argue over all sorts of things then I realised how unfair I had been treating her and expecting to much. Poor Kay was working 24/7 she put me first all the time she was helping me achieve the things I wanted and it never once occurred to me that she might want something different. She never got sick but she was worn out and I could not see it. More than that I just took her for granted and began to treat her as though she was one of my staff. None of this was intentional it just developed as time passed and I was obsessed with making a future for the family something to leave the kids. It took Arthrits to slow me down and make me see what I was doing to myself and my wife. Today I am retired and we just have the club that my wife still runs But is much happier. We men are a bit different not that we mean to be but sometimes we cant see the wood for the trees. You have to take the reigns and make some time for yourself not just resting time but time to do the things you want or need to do without encroaching on you weekend off so that you can devote that time to yourself. I bet you worry about him, Wages, staff, and all the other things that go with the territory
Take care and keep your chin up. The answer lies in you.
Colin

elnafinn

jennywren wrote:

No one is in a rut well not really because we can all get out of ruts I have done it with my dreadful arthrititis and I did it and so can you if you can remain focused Jenny

Yet another very unremarkable postings from jennywren. Instead of talking in riddles why don't you let us all know the secret of how you got out of your big time rut because I do not believe that you have, one jot.

Elna

woodbon

I'm not sure what to say either, except I know that sometimes doing things and going out seem like too much trouble and although I'd like to go out, I can't be bothered! :? I get tired with the house work and general bits and bobs, I've just cleaned the bathroom and feel wacked. :oops: and I didn't wash the floor, as I felt tired by then.

You have so many responsibilities, as well as the RA. Animals can't just be left, they are a big tie. Hopefully, soon you'll feel like going away for a couple of days and re-charge your batteries. There are some cheap breaks around if you look. Or stay with a friend.

It may just be a depressed state of mind that will lift with the weather, one day and you'll feel better. I think, though you'r not alone, I feel like that often, but it dosn't last. Sorry, I've nothing really constructive to say. :oops: I'll just send you my love and best wishes Sue

elnafinn

Hi Gill

It is very easy to get into a rut as you call it - doing the same things day after day. We are all guilty of that to a greater or lesser degree but we often do not think about it. When we do, like you have done, it is plain to see.

Would it be too much if you asked OH if you could have one afternoon off a week. You could have a friend over, go out for a cuppa, go to bed, read, whatever, but that would be your time to use as you wish. This may be the start of getting out of the same old same old, day in, day out. It would be something to look forward to each week.

Perhaps you could have a take away meal once a week - or go out for lunch so no need to cook in the evening - just a snack. These are only little changes but it breaks the monotony - which is what it breaks down to, in the end.

Would it perhaps be possible for both of you to take one afternoon off together every now and again too and leave everything in the capable hands (hopefully) of your staff.

Chin up, tomorrow will be brighter. It is the weekend after all.

Love
Elna x

debsmartin

Hi Gill

I agree with Elna, I know its easier said than done though, I think we have all been there though with the thought is this all there is to life, but I now go out once a month with one of my old friends we just go to the local pub which do a 2 for 1 menu. I know sometimes I think do I really want to go, but know as soon as we are out and having a laugh I feel alot better plus it gets me off cooking duties (not that I should moan though as my O/H is always on hand to help out)

Hope you soon manage to find away out of you rut.

Take care

debs

woodbon

Yes, that sounds like a really good idea - just going out for a shor time - not too much getting ready and you can do it as and when you have the time and feel like it. No hassle of a 'big night out' :oops: Gosh, I'm getting boring! But seriously I agree we do all fall into a rut and just carry on doing the same old things and sometimes it takes an effort to get out of that rut. Love Sue

frogmorton

Hi Gill
Poor old you
This is a real hard one isn't it?
You hate your job and are working, one way or another, far too hard!
Seriously you might be depressed - I was once told that by a health professional as one of the criteria is not looking forward to going out....
I agree with Elna you need some time for you - it sounds like you are not you very much of the time
Positive action such as that suggested by Elna might just change things enough for you.
So sorry you feel so down
Take very good care
Toni x

mistywillow

frogmorton wrote:

Hi Gill
Poor old you
This is a real hard one isn't it?
You hate your job and are working, one way or another, far too hard!
Seriously you might be depressed - I was once told that by a health professional as one of the criteria is not looking forward to going out....
I agree with Elna you need some time for you - it sounds like you are not you very much of the time
Positive action such as that suggested by Elna might just change things enough for you.
So sorry you feel so down
Take very good care
Toni x

Hi all
Thank you for your kind replies. I think sometimes it does help to hear other peoples take on a problem as it is more objective and puts things into perspective.

Colin you are right sometimes we are a victim of our own choices and it is down to us to change things if we dont like them.

Rita my mum always say have a hot bath and a cup of tea!!

Chris our downstairs is all open plan so unless i lock them all out of the house..........now that is not such a bad idea !!

Vonsky and Sue
Im not actually depressed. I am lucky that I do tend to bounce back up quite quickly(well maybe not bounce.........!) Sort of more scared that im physically deteriorating each year and not living my life to the full while I can.

Elna, Debs and Toni
I think you are all right. I need to make more of an effort to make time for enjoyable activites rather than just the dutiful ones.

Jenny i dont know you very well. What sort of rut did you find yourself in and how did you solve it?


I do appreciate being able to sound things out on this forum. You are all very sensible and kind people and somehow because I know each of you is having to cope with your own difficulties, it feels much more realistic asking you for your views.
So thank you all for being there. I really appreciate it!
Love Gillx

lindalegs

Hi Gill,

Hope I'm not too late to post my reply.

My husband and I run a business together and we have the occasional special day when we have our lunch break. I'll lay a table and we'll buy some nice food and we'll share a pot of coffee rather than just a cheese sandwich and a cup of tea, we take time for a chat (not about the business) and a laugh and it recharges our batteries no end - I know it sounds ridiculous but just to lay a table and shut out the world for a while makes you feel as though it's a bit different. It is a start and as it's during the day before we get so tired at the end of the day.

.............so give it a try, iron a tablecloth, light a candle and get some some nice food in then ring or text your husband and ask him on a date

Luv Legs

mistywillow

lindalegs wrote:

Hi Gill,

Hope I'm not too late to post my reply.

My husband and I run a business together and we have the occasional special day when we have our lunch break. I'll lay a table and we'll buy some nice food and we'll share a pot of coffee rather than just a cheese sandwich and a cup of tea, we take time for a chat (not about the business) and a laugh and it recharges our batteries no end - I know it sounds ridiculous but just to lay a table and shut out the world for a while makes you feel as though it's a bit different. It is a start and as it's during the day before we get so tired at the end of the day.


.............so give it a try, iron a tablecloth, light a candle and get some some nice food in then ring or text your husband and ask him on a date

Luv Legs

Hi Legs
thats a nice idea....... do i have to iron the tablecloth though?
You are all absolutely right . It is all about prioritising and making the time to relax. So now you have convinced me, who wants to have a go at convincing my OH?

Love Gillx

mistywillow

scottishlass wrote:

its so difficult trying to find the work life balance..but
all work n no play makes jack a very dull boy
or something like that...and who is jack anyway
Does your OH help out with the animal side of things?maybe if he shared some of the physical work you wouldnt be so tired,then you could have more relaxation time together too.
Iron the tablecloth :shock: ...No No,buy disposable good luck

Alas scottish lass OH is not into doing anything around the farm at all! Do you think this Jack might though? dont mind if he's dull so long as he can tell the difference between a cow and a chicken

Gillx

joanlawson

Hi Gill

I really sympathise with you, and understand exactly how you feel. I went through a similar period in my life when I was working full-time, and looking after my family, and also caring for my parents when my father was ill with dementia. I never had any time for myself, and felt as though I was on a treadmill which never stopped. At least I didn't have arthritis at that time, and also I was doing a job which I liked. However, I knew that I had to make some changes, so I had a long discussion with my husband, and we agreed that I would work part-time. This made a lot of difference, and later after my parents both died, and my children went off to university, I returned to full-time work.

I think the problem is that you are not getting the opportunity to enjoy yourself enough.No-one can carry on indefinitely without the stimulus of doing things which are enjoyable and fun. You mention that your husband says you lack enthusiasm, but with your workload, plus the arthritis, there is little wonder you feel tired. I think you need to have a discussion with your husband, and see if you can find a regular slot when you can have some time off, even if it is only a short time. There are also some good ideas from other people on this thread which you could try.

All the best

Joan

mistywillow

joanlawson wrote:

Hi Gill

I really sympathise with you, and understand exactly how you feel. I went through a similar period in my life when I was working full-time, and looking after my family, and also caring for my parents when my father was ill with dementia. I never had any time for myself, and felt as though I was on a treadmill which never stopped. At least I didn't have arthritis at that time, and also I was doing a job which I liked. However, I knew that I had to make some changes, so I had a long discussion with my husband, and we agreed that I would work part-time. This made a lot of difference, and later after my parents both died, and my children went off to university, I returned to full-time work.

I think the problem is that you are not getting the opportunity to enjoy yourself enough.No-one can carry on indefinitely without the stimulus of doing things which are enjoyable and fun. You mention that your husband says you lack enthusiasm, but with your workload, plus the arthritis, there is little wonder you feel tired. I think you need to have a discussion with your husband, and see if you can find a regular slot when you can have some time off, even if it is only a short time. There are also some good ideas from other people on this thread which you could try.

All the best

Joan

Hi Joan
I think what I am going to try to do is persuade my husband to close the business for a long weekend now and again. I felt so much better after the recent Easter weekend. I dont need to go away, I just need a change of routine and to be able to stop when my joints are really giving me grief. He wont be easily persuaded though as he is a real worrier and also a bit of a workoholic!
Thanks for the advice. It really does help chatting about things to all you kind people out there in the ether.
Gillx

joanlawson

Hi Gill

I can understand that your husband worries about the business. Anyone who runs their own business has a lot of responsibility, and all those animals have to be fed.

I think your idea of a long weekend occasionally is a good step in the right direction. You need to recharge your batteries from time to time, and so does your husband.

Joan

Wonkylegs

HI Gill,

so many things I would say have already been said ..... but I did wonder if you have thought about counselling either for yourself on your own or together with your OH?

I suggest this because it really helped us to gain a better understanding of how each other was feelign about the arthritis invading our relationship. It is often overlooked that our partners live with arthur just as much as we do, and their pain comes from seeing us in pain.

My hubby didn't know what he could do to help, and was afraid of getting his head bitten off if he offered the wrong thing :oops: :roll: but he got a chance to put his side of things, and he learned a bit about how I feel at different times.

You can't change things overnight, but a littel at a time.

I try to find little things to please me within the busy days I have, but there again I don't have the job you do - arthur lost me that one ... but it was the best thing to happen at that time. I don't know how I managed with a job (well, I didn't live! just survived!) and we do ok now, even though we are not rolling in cash like we were.

hope that helps.

best of luck!

mistywillow

Wonkylegs wrote:

HI Gill,

so many things I would say have already been said ..... but I did wonder if you have thought about counselling either for yourself on your own or together with your OH?

I suggest this because it really helped us to gain a better understanding of how each other was feelign about the arthritis invading our relationship. It is often overlooked that our partners live with arthur just as much as we do, and their pain comes from seeing us in pain.

My hubby didn't know what he could do to help, and was afraid of getting his head bitten off if he offered the wrong thing :oops: :roll: but he got a chance to put his side of things, and he learned a bit about how I feel at different times.

You can't change things overnight, but a littel at a time.

I try to find little things to please me within the busy days I have, but there again I don't have the job you do - arthur lost me that one ... but it was the best thing to happen at that time. I don't know how I managed with a job (well, I didn't live! just survived!) and we do ok now, even though we are not rolling in cash like we were.

hope that helps.

best of luck!

Hi Wonky
It is always a challange balancing the effects of arthritis isnt it. I agree councelling is very beneficial. We did have quite a lot of family therapy some years back when my eldest daughter had a lot of emotional issues and went completely off the rails, taking drugs etc and generally being self destructive. Althoughour concerns at the time were for her and her safety we did explore the effects of my disability on all the family. It was very helpful. Thankfully my daughter is now back to her old happy self and we have graduated from our therapy sessions but I know it is always there to fall back on
love Gillx