relationships

emmarose33

Hi,
I was wondering how everyone copes with their relationships?
Her comes a big old rant. . . sorry guys!
I am having a little trouble and feeling quite emotional. Basically my partner just doesn't understand RA and has little sympathy for me. He says sympathy won't get you very far or make you stronger. His family are all a bit like this. He is helpful with the baby etc. but not as much as he could be. He is a very active person, and spent a long time trying to get me to go to the gym and be more sporty. I did start going and was really enjoying it when the arthritis got me.
He makes all kinds of ridiculous suggestions, like I should join a dance class or come to the park with him to play tennis. He seems to think that my stiffness is largely down to the lack of exercise I do. I think he is in denial to some degree. I try explaining but he won't listen to it, and I am beginning to sound like a broken record or some type of sob story. I have some booklets from arthritis care, about relationships and emotions and left them out for him to read but he hasn't bothered.
He has made it clear today that it's about time this thing stopped (you're telling me!) and is basically making it feel like it's my fault. I am not in touch with my body. . .I drink too much wine, etc. He even asked why my sisters don't have it.
Writing this down it makes him sound totally dumb. He is actually an intellegent man.
Has anyone been through something similar and made their partner see the light? I don't know what to do I just feel like a huge burden on him and everyone else around me.
(really sorry for the big downer, but I have nobody to talk to about this)
Emma x

elnafinn

emmarose33 wrote:

Hi,
I was wondering how everyone copes with their relationships?
Her comes a big old rant. . . sorry guys!
I am having a little trouble and feeling quite emotional. Basically my partner just doesn't understand RA and has little sympathy for me. He says sympathy won't get you very far or make you stronger. His family are all a bit like this. He is helpful with the baby etc. but not as much as he could be. He is a very active person, and spent a long time trying to get me to go to the gym and be more sporty. I did start going and was really enjoying it when the arthritis got me.
He makes all kinds of ridiculous suggestions, like I should join a dance class or come to the park with him to play tennis. He seems to think that my stiffness is largely down to the lack of exercise I do. I think he is in denial to some degree. I try explaining but he won't listen to it, and I am beginning to sound like a broken record or some type of sob story. I have some booklets from arthritis care, about relationships and emotions and left them out for him to read but he hasn't bothered.
He has made it clear today that it's about time this thing stopped (you're telling me!) and is basically making it feel like it's my fault. I am not in touch with my body. . .I drink too much wine, etc. He even asked why my sisters don't have it.
Writing this down it makes him sound totally dumb. He is actually an intellegent man.
Has anyone been through something similar and made their partner see the light? I don't know what to do I just feel like a huge burden on him and everyone else around me.
(really sorry for the big downer, but I have nobody to talk to about this)
Emma x

Hi Emma

I am sorry to read your thread. You are not alone with this and there have been other threads in the past and not so long ago too.

I don't know if you have read any of them. If you are interested to do so, you could click on the seach button and type in relationships and that throws up a few that have been "discussed" in the past.

I really hope things improve for you as you cannot continue like that.

I am sorry that I have no magical answers but send you cyber hugs as you definitely need them.

Luv
Elna x

frogmorton

Oh Emma
the silly man!!!!
Poor you!!!
Some men do try to ignore things don't they and hope they will just go away again
The only thing I can think of is to take him with you to rheumy apt next time and ask the rheumy to explain. This might help a lot especially if the rheumy is a man.
My hubby is the type who thinks you can throw money into something it can be fixed - yours thinks if you put your back into it you can fix it yourself.
Both a bit silly eh?
This doesn't help you at the moment though does it?
You know yu can always come on here for a moan - we all do and hopefully he will get it with some help from the rheumy
Take care
Emma
Toni xx

ninakang

Hi Emma

I'm so sorry you don't feel supported by your partner. It sounds to me (not really knowing either of you very well, just going on your post) that your partner is having trouble coming to terms with your illness.

You obviously love each other very much and need to work through this. Have you thought about relationship counselling, if you've tried other avenues? I know friends who've done it and it worked really well with them. It might help to have a third party there who doesn't know either of you who can look at the whole situation objectively.

Your partner needs to realise that RA is a progressive illness and you will have bad days as well as good and need help with some things and not others.

I hope it goes well for you. Please stay in touch.

Nx

suziev

hi emma

it's very hard for anyone to understand how we feel and those around us don't always get it but it's even harder when it's your OH who doesn't understand i think it hurts more.
i went though the same sort of this with my hubby also fitness mad!
he came around in the end so am sure your OH will too.
he said to my friend that i needed to get more exercise so i think your OH is thinking along the same lines too.
because they see better health though more exercise and he's applying this rule to you.
the hard part is getting to understand the illness in the end my brother in law who has arthritis told my hubby it was the triedness that was the killer for him.
all i can think of is have a chat to him about the immune system he'll understand about colds etc and apply logic to it, (my OH never read the booklets either) then i think the next step is to get him to understand that everyday is different. it doesn't come over night but one day the penny will drop
good luck
suzie

joanlawson

Hi Emma
I don't know your age, but you must be young as you mention your baby. I think it is difficult for a younger person to come to terms with an illness in their partner, especially if they are very fit and well themselves. Sometimes, I think they just feel inadequate to know how to deal with it.

Your partner seems to show a poor understanding of RA if he says that this has got to stop. He is almost implying that you are in control of it, and can simply tell it to go away ! Has he had the condition explained to him properly? Maybe you need someone to speak to him to explain how RA affects you, and to tell him how he can help you more than he is doing. Is there anyone in the family who could speak frankly to him?

I hope you can sort things out between you.

Joan

lindalegs

If I were there Emma I'd give you a big hug because I feel that's what you need at the moment

I also think you're right he is in denial but that's not helping you is it? :?

The trouble is that RA is going to affect his life almost as much as it's affecting yours, right now, and although he won't get the pain it's not going to be easy for him either..............and I think deep down he realises this but wants to bury his head in the sand.

As previously suggested do you think he'll go with you to see your consultant on your next appointment? He has to realise that there are times when you need more support than others and also when you might be able to do 'sporty' things together again - it's not all bad.

My husband and I have been through some rough times especially when my RA was first diagnosed and we had a new born and a toddler, we've both cried, ranted and raved but we've also laughed.

Give him time, he's an intelligent man and he will realise - he doesn't want this to be happening as much as you don't.

I sincerely hope everyone's suggestions have helped as we all have different ways of coping - hope he finds his very soon.

Luv Legs

woodbon

Hello,
I get the feeling, reading what you say, that your husband feels things are out of control and this is making him very uneasy and unhappy. Is it possible that one of the things he likes about exercise is that he feels it allows him to control his fitness and health, so he won't have any nasty illnesses? I'm not saying hes a control freak! Far from it, but we all do certain things and have certain ways of doing things that make us feel better and if something stops us, then we worry! Well, thats me, anyway. :shock: Illness is something I get frightened about.

Perhaps your husband feels worried and upset for you, because he loves you he wants to take care of you, but the RA is stopping him help you as he thinks is best. I agree with the others that you should take him with you to all the appointments at the hospital and GP that are possible, so you will both learn together whats going on in your body and how to treat it. If, and I know it is often, hard for him to come with you, can you get, as someone suggested, an appointment with a rheummy or GP, whoever you feel is best, to talk to you both about the illness, its symptoms and how you can work together to cope. So that the problem belongs to both of you, and he isn't left wondering or bewildered.

This is a long post, sorry. Reading it makes me sound like an agony aunt, which belive me is far from the truth. I'm just a middle-aged woman, who has had to cope a few times and I would love to help you, if I could. So I'll just send you a bucketful of love, Sue

eckstardeluxe

I'm sorry if this comes off the wrong way but this is the kind of man I'd go on Wife Swap for, after a week with me he'd be wishing his wife would come and rescue him!

He may be in denial but that is not helping you come to terms with the awful situation you have been faced with. Finding out you have arthritis is very hard, the future seem so bleak, especially in our lives where we have young babies or children. I suggest he does some reading up on your condition and maybe even coming on here one night. I'm sure after hearing some of the poster's bad experiences he may think twice.

The saying about walking a mile in someone's shoes springs to mind here. People think they are being helpful trying to get you to excercise etc but they just don't understand how much pain you are in and how your motivation just isn't there. You can only get motivated again with helpful and supportive people around you.

I suggest you have a sit down and explain your fears and worries and that you feel you need extra help right now to come to terms with your illness.

I wish you the best of luck, take care

Eck

emmarose33

Hi, thanks for all your replies.
After I posted he could see I was upset and came over to give me a hug, and we had a talk - I used the infection analogy. I think deep down he does understand it.
He has been to a couple of appointments with me, but both times my consultant and him both started going on about how I need to stop breastfeeding so I can start MTX (I know that I am trying) and I felt like they were ganging up on me and I started crying. Sounds silly. She asked if we had any questions and he was pressing her about how much exercise I could do (she did explain NOT A LOT) and was asking her what I should be eating etc etc. He evn asked her if it was his fault for encouraging me to go to the gym!!
I will bring him to the next one if he's not working (he doesn't have a set rota grr)
I think he is just frustrated but the situation, but there is nothing I can do about it.
I am having trouble stopping breastfeeding and it is an incredibly emotional experience for me - it absolutely goes against everything that is natural to me and I resent the illness so far for making me stop ealier than I would like.

aahhh, men. grrr

mash65

sorry if uv already thought of this but would expressing ur milk for a while help,then perhaps it would be helpful. i.e u'd know baby was getting ur milk & u may feel the process of weaning off a little easier.
then once every1s used to the bottle u could start with ur treatment. o/h could then help with feeds etc.
as i say u may have thought this through already,but if not worth a try.
i do know its hard to let go of what u want for baby but u must think of urself too.
i really hope things work out for u,& post as often as u like for more help or a good old moan we do.
debsx

roczko

I really feel for you. It's frustrating, to say the least, when others don't seem to grasp or understand what we're going through. More so when you have a young baby to care for.

All I can suggest is that you persevere in talking about it and how it's affecting you. Our partners are not mind readers no matter how much we'd like them to be.

As others have said, he's probably scared or in denial about your illness too so it's all the more important that you talk!

Oh and it's not a "grr men" thing either though it probably seems that way given more women than men have RA

I've had plenty of suggestions for a "cure" from vinegar to exercise too! I know they're only trying to help - it doesn't.

Take care.

Patrick

suziev

glad you talked it's the best thing you could do, bless him thinking he may have caused it by taking you to the gym.

more to do with breast feeding but it broke my heart when i decided to stop breast feeding my son i found it so hard. now i look back and think why did a beat myself up so much about it.
i always say to new mums do what you think is best you can't go far wrong.
suzie x

page35

Hi emma
just wanted to say i also found stopping breast feeding very emotional too, even though my daughter was 14 months when i finally stopped. she kept asking me for "boobies" and i would be in tears.
i tryed to breastfeed my first child but had so many problems only managed it for 2wks felt guilty but just couldnt do it.
i dont know how old your baby is but youve given him/her a great start by breast feeding even if its a short while, you need to think about your health as if your well this will also benifit your child.
all the best
page

woodbon

Hi Its not a 'men thing' I know, I live with a husband who developed diabetes and I found it very hard to get used to I love him very much but often feel the illness and some of its side effects, even though its very well controlled, come between us. Our lives have changed and we have to learn to live with each others problems. I sometimes get cross with him, when I should be sympathetic. He shuts me out and that worries me.

I can see some of the things from your husbands point of view. I went through a stage of being very angry with the illness, because it frightened me. Its a learning curve for us, as it will be for you. And its worth it, we still argue and still have problems, I accept it now and understand it. Your husband also has a new baby to get used to so you've had so many changes, its no wonder you feel as you do, both of you. Another long rant! Love Suexxx

eckstardeluxe

Hi Emma, I understood you when you said about the Bf part. It's an emotional thing for many Mums to do & that's without arthritis. It feels worse because you feel like it is not in your hands, the decision is being made for you. But trust me, what your baby needs now is a healthy Mum, if they could choose for you, they wouldn't care how long you BF them for, they would only hope you got the best meds possible to make yourself better.

As I said earlier, it's hard having arthritis with young children. I had a spinal disease as a kid & was told never to have children, I ignored it all & had 2. It was after having my son last year I became very ill & found out it was caused by this disease & the stress of pregnancy accelerated it. I had to stop BF also as could not have taken the pain relief I needed or even hold my baby as he got older. It was hard but I don't regret it or feel guilty although I did at the time. I used to feel so guilty about not being able to give him his bath or lift him safely but now I have come to terms with it, knowing when he's older he would be mad if he saw me hurting myself because of him.

People can be so unfeeling about things without realising it. I have a had snide comments from a minority, even some family, saying to my face it's my own fault because I went & had kids. But I fight my corner because they are the thing I am proudest of, the best thing I ever did with my life.

I know it will be a hard thing to do, but tough times need tough decisions, maybe your husband is just acting this way because he wants what's best for you because he cares about you so much. I think often men don't understand the incredible bond that a mother has with a child, I try to explain to my hubby its like an invisible piece of string tied between my children's and my heart. To your husband it might just be a straight forward decision. I'm glad you've had a talk, hopefully straightened a few things out and hopefully get some support to try and stop. You know we will all be here to help if you need us. sorry for the long post x

frogmorton

Hi Emma
You will get there with him you know...it will be ok, but probably not overnight. If his family are like that it will be hard for him to accept the problem.
As for the feeding - you poor thing what a choice you have to make!!! Not easy. You can only stop when you feel the time is right. Having said that one of mine was proper poorly and I was forced to stop. I was devastated and she never took back to the breast At the time it did feel like the end of the world, but now she's good and healthy and we love each other so - If you have to stop it will be very sad, but ok.
Poor you Emma you are up against such a lot.
Take care
Toni x

debbieclap

Hi one of the main things to remember is that men want to be able to do something to make the situation right, and when there is nothing they can do they become frustrated. Where women will talk or share on forums men often go into their cave and try to find a solution to the problem. Your husband probably feels he should be able to make it all better for you. Give him time he will come round just gently explain to him about your RA getting him to come to an appointment with you sounds a good idea. Take care and hugs
Debbie

ramummy

I soooooo understand where you are coming from - I had to stop breastfeeding my son in Jan this year so I could start Methotrexate treatment - he was only 4 months old and I had intended to feed for much longer than that - I had no choice though - I was in such a bad flare I had to decide between feeding and being mobile enough to take care of him.

My hubbie has also had 'issues' in dealing with this whole thing - I was only diagnosed in Oct laast year and I'm only 32 so it's a massive thing for us.

Please feel free to PM me - our situations are so similar it's uncanny!

Ju x

emmarose33

Hi.
My son has recently turned 1 - so technically he is ready to wean. Emotionally neither of us are. The thought of being forced into it, and pressure from people around me just makes me even more reluctant. Being a first time mum I have made many mistakes - allowed him to comfort feed and get used to feeding to sleep. He won't take a bottle and we are only just gettin to grips with a sippy cup. . . or a 'pur it all over the living room floor' cup, as he likes to think of it!
I know it will be ok once I have done it, it's just difficuilt getting to that point.
As for my partner. I suppose just have to give him time. Maybe when he said all those things he was having a bad day. I can't help feeling guilty for having this illness, even though I know I shouldn't!

woodbon

Hi, I'm sure you will get through all this. As for the feeding thing, I know I havn't been lucky enough to have my own, but for 4 years I looked after my god-daughter while her Mum worked full-time. Even working full time, my friend breast fed until about 18 months, in the evening and her kids are fine, intelligent, independent women now with lives of their own, so it didn't hurt them! Stop when the time feels right.

Sometimes, when we are having a 'disagreement' :? I say all the most hurtful things I can think of to my husband, as hes hard to rouse :oops: I end up feeling awful, but still do it. And I think its because I know he loves me and will forgive me (hopefully) that I can. Love Sue