relationship breakdown

handsy
handsy Member Posts: 209
edited 6. Jun 2009, 14:02 in Living with Arthritis archive
me and my wife have decided that i should leave home. we have not been getting along to well for a few months, about the same time i was diagnosed with RA in that time i have lost my job due to illness and my life has just fallen apart . i am really sick. will proberly go to stay with my parents for a while then try to get somewhere to live . this RA has a lot to answer for. well enough of my ranting hope you all feel good John

Comments

  • magenta
    magenta Member Posts: 1,604
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    handsy wrote:
    me and my wife have decided that i should leave home. we have not been getting along to well for a few months, about the same time i was diagnosed with RA in that time i have lost my job due to illness and my life has just fallen apart . i am really sick. will proberly go to stay with my parents for a while then try to get somewhere to live . this RA has a lot to answer for. well enough of my ranting hope you all feel good John

    Hello,

    I'm so sorry to hear your news. What an awful time you're having. I sincerely hope things work out for you. Plenty of people here if you need to rant. Take care,
    Magenta x
  • mash65
    mash65 Bots Posts: 834
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    handsy wrote:
    me and my wife have decided that i should leave home. we have not been getting along to well for a few months, about the same time i was diagnosed with RA in that time i have lost my job due to illness and my life has just fallen apart . i am really sick. will proberly go to stay with my parents for a while then try to get somewhere to live . this RA has a lot to answer for. well enough of my ranting hope you all feel good John
    hi john,so sorry to hear that.ive been through divorce etc & i feel for you i really do.
    the illness is bad enough to deal with.
    i hope youve got some support on the outside & you know were all here for you.
    its early days & you will get through it,i promise.
    ask for as much help as you can & talk to us on the dark days if you need to,it all helps.dont know what else to say,so sorry. debsx
  • charlotte34
    charlotte34 Member Posts: 26
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    so sorry to hear of your bad news, hope your Ra can be controlled and you can sort your relationship out.
  • elnafinn
    elnafinn Member Posts: 7,412
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi John

    I am very sorry to read your unhappy news. I always feel sad when I hear this sort of thing, but more so, somehow, when one person in the partnership is diagnosed with an illness and the relationship goes downhill quickly. A trial separation may change things but if not, perhaps it is best to part.

    It is early days for you with RA and hopefully it can be regulated with meds and you are able to lead a better life than you have been doing recently.

    At least you know that you can call in here anytime and say as little or as much as you wish. I remember you saying that your wife thought this was a good place for you here, as you got quick reponses from others in similar circumstances.

    You are very brave. I sincerely hope you have caring family and friends that you can turn to as well.

    You end your posting by saying "I hope you all feel good". Well, if I did, I definitely do not now after reading your message. I wish I could do something to help you.

    Chin up,

    Elna
    The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

    If you can lay down at night knowing in your heart that you made someone's day just a little bit better, you know you had a good day.
  • joanlawson
    joanlawson Member Posts: 8,681
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hello John

    I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a bad time at the moment. It is difficult enough coming to terms with your illness, without the other problems regarding your wife and job. There has been quite a bit of discussion on this site about the effects of arthritis on relationships. Many husbands/ wives/ partners find it difficult to cope with the changes in their lives,so you are not the only person who has been affected in this way. I wonder whether you have thought about asking for help from Relate, if your wife would agree to it. Possibly talking to someone could help you and your wife to rebuild your relationship.

    It sounds as though you have support from your parents, so that is a good thing. You can rely on many kind people on this site too, and the helpline can answer any questions you may have about your RA. Please don't apologise for having a moan. If things are getting you down, you can rant as much as you like here, and everyone understands.

    Everyone has good and bad times in their lives, I think it is true to say, and when the bad times come it is horrible. Sometimes, it is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but all you can do is try to stay strong, and get all the help you can. I hope you are receiving good medical care for your RA.

    Take care, and be sure that things will sort themselves out in time.

    Joan
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  • ritnew
    ritnew Member Posts: 338
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi John
    So sorry to hear your news. It's always sad when a relationship breaks down, perhaps as someone else said a little time apart may sort things out for you both.
    Take care they are a great bunch in here and always ready to give advice or a shoulder.

    Rita X
  • handsy
    handsy Member Posts: 209
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    cheers to everyone for the advice thank you all . i am just feeling a bit down but i'll soldier on . ta everyone..........................
  • eckstardeluxe
    eckstardeluxe Member Posts: 1,192
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi John

    I'm sorry to hear about this. I hope your parents will help you and support you during this hard time. I don't think it ever matters how old you are, your parents are still always able to comfort you, well IMO.

    I think anyone with a partner who is ill will come across some problems at a time. I had some myself recently after the little help I was getting with my very young children from his side stopped totally except when he was off work. It seemed to me they were not interested in helping me but only him. We argued for a bit before he agreed saying he was only being defensive, that he had noticed this too and felt let down by them. Being his family obviously he was upset about this.

    I do hope you continue to post here. The posters will give you lots of support in whatever you decide to do. But I applaud you, this is a seriously hard thing even to consider, so to take a big step like this is brave indeed. I really hope things go the way you want them to.

    Take care, Eck
  • elnafinn
    elnafinn Member Posts: 7,412
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    'morning John,

    I am sure you are "feeling a bit down" who would not be, with what is going on in your life at this time. You hang on in there, it will not be a breeze, but you already know that. Things have a way of working themselves out and as mentioned previously, we welcome you with open arms here and will do our utmost to support you.

    I hope your day goes better than yesterday.

    Best wishes
    Elna
    The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

    If you can lay down at night knowing in your heart that you made someone's day just a little bit better, you know you had a good day.
  • angel1
    angel1 Bots Posts: 1,464
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    John, hello. So, so sad to hear about your marriage problems. From what you have said previously I feel that some time apart may be what you both need right now. I would urge you though not to close off any lines of communication. Keep in regular contact with each other. Try to remember the love you have for one another. If you feel that couples counselling is not an option at the moment, then maybe you would benefit from some personal counselling. It is excellent that you have the support of your family, but be very careful that "sides" are not taken, and divisions created. I wish you peace of mind........Much love.....Ange.
  • suzster
    suzster Member Posts: 1,328
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    arthur does cause many problems, especially with relationships, i to often feel alone, i have a husband but i don't really think he understands my RA, i'm pretty sure he thinks i'm just a tired and moody person nowadays. it's very hard to first gain there support and help whilst still trying to remain as a couple.
    i hope that the break might help you both to have time to think about life and what you want.
    it's never easy to end a relashionship, it's sad to hear about these problems to, but hopefully it'll work out better for you one way or another.

    i really hope this all makes sense and doesn't sound wrong, in my head it made sense!!
    take care and we are all here for you, whether you want to shout, ask advice or just vent.
    sorry i can't offer any more advice but as i said i to am finding things a struggle.
    sue
  • breane
    breane Member Posts: 392
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi John,I am so sorry to hear your sad news and I do hope you have others you can call on for support and I know your parents will probably be the best people to help you at the moment.It is very difficult for some partners to realise just what pain we can be in and no doubt they are in 'the line of fire' when we have really bad days.Do hope you will keep posting and let us all know how you are getting on.Take care. Breane. :)
  • lindalegs
    lindalegs Member Posts: 5,398
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Ah John, I am so, so sorry that things have to come to this.

    Arthritis is very difficult to cope with when it strikes for both people in a relationship :(

    You're bound to feel low, with your job gone and now having to move out, plus having to deal with the RA. This separation from your wife may do you both good and give the two of you time to see whether you can cope without each other and if you're happier apart - the stress of not getting on will not have done neither of you any good. You may find that you want to be together after a few weeks - only time will tell :|

    There are people on here who have moved on from broken relationships to find happiness once again in another one - so although things look bleak at the moment, there will be light at the end of the tunnel for you, I'm sure.

    Take care.

    Luv Legs :(
    Love, Legs x
    'Make a life out of what you have, not what you're missing'
  • valval
    valval Member Posts: 14,911
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    life has been kicking u in the teeth a bit, u need all the suport u can stress is not going to help u. hope life gets better 4 u a place on your own will b better than living with some one who can not give u the help and support u need make sure u do not become icolated(is that spelt right) u will need lotts of good friends u will find suport on here as well hope things get better 4 u :)
    val
  • jaspercat
    jaspercat Member Posts: 1,238
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi John, really sorry to hear about your news, sorry I am late, I am also sorry that your RA has played a part in it all love Jaspercatxx
  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 30,137
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hello John
    I am SO SO sorry :(
    Yes go to your parents' and recover as much as you can.
    I will be thinking of you.
    Please do keep posting so we can all offer you support.
    Take care
    Toni x
  • skezier
    skezier Member Posts: 11,333
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi John

    Sorry to read your post, its hard when you have a separation without illness being there as well. maybe some time apart will help and also maybe if you could get some joint counselling? As the others have said I hope you are getting a lot of support and I also hope it will all work out for you. Take care, Cris
  • justinbarrow
    justinbarrow Member Posts: 338
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    sorry to hear about your split you never know time apart may make you grow stronger, it must be a terrible time the illness gets to you as it is.

    Try and stay positive
  • mistywillow
    mistywillow Member Posts: 711
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    justinbarrow wrote:
    sorry to hear about your split you never know time apart may make you grow stronger, it must be a terrible time the illness gets to you as it is.

    Try and stay positive

    Hi John
    Others have given you all the advice that might help, but have just seen your post and wanted to offer my comiserations. You must feel like life is really battling against you at the moment. Time out can be good and lets you see things more clearly. I hope things work out for you.
    Gillx
  • bigmomma
    bigmomma Member Posts: 291
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi, John. I just wanted to add my best wishes as well. Thanks heavens for parents - it may well give you the breathing space you need. The only piece of advice I can add to the excellent advice already given is to be gentle with yourself, and to take the time you need to heal emotionally, so that when you rebuild your life, you have the strength you need to get there.

    cyber hugs,
    AGYG
  • denpen
    denpen Member Posts: 389
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi John
    Sorry to hear that you and your wife are parting, it cant be easy for you at this time when you are feeling low because of your RA, things do have a tendancy to all come at once dont they thats when it hits us the hardest, but dont forget things will get better for you, accept help from your family and friends and try to stay positive because you have enough to deal with with the RA, and as you know you will get loads of support from you friends on here.
    Take care
    Denise.x

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