I might lose Everything

stevefox442

Hi,

Sorry I have not been on here for a while, been trying to sort things out in my life. As most of you know about my pain (back) and medication e.g. plus the strain on my marriage, I thought I would update you.

Still have not got a sex drive and this has been over 2 years now (this is the main problem of my marriage) I keep seeing my gp and even changed from one doctor to another... I'm on anti-depressants and Zapain tablets but my doc thinks it is the pain and meds that have killed my sex drive. The doc asked me to try Relate and so I booked an appointment, my wife and I went last night and we have to go back on our own to answer questions (full history report) Then they decide if we need Sex therapy??? I have told them about my pain and meds and relate needs to speak to my gp to see if this is the main cause. Anyway the consular asked my wife if she could live in a relationship without sex and she said no! Also she is angry at me for giving up work (I had to stop work due to my health and meds, I was falling asleep at the wheel everyday.. I nearly killed myself on the motorway). Today I feel so depressed and have constantly been going over this in my head. What happens if say they did put us on the sex therapy course and it helped but then my back got worse (it's been getting worse since 2002) I could not perform at all, then my marriage is over? what if the course did not help, then my marriage is over. I'm willing to try anything to save my marriage. I know its hard for my wife but I did not choose to have this accident to cause me all this pain and I have been thinking if it was the other way around? then I would live by my wife no matter what (in sickness and in health) but I guess you are thinking well it's easy for me to say that now but that is how I feel. I hate myself but I cant stop the way I’m feeling, I wish I had a sex drive, I wish I felt normal… I’m really at the end here and I don’t know what else to do and I’m so worried that my marriage will end. I really don’t want to lose her (I love her so much) I have told her all this but she needs sex in her life. I just hope this sex therapy stuff really does help. I have a wonderful home, car and my wife has a great career, but I think I’m a burden now and I think my wife does not want a husband who cant work, who always feels ill and if I ever ended up in a wheel chair then I think she would go, thats how I feel.

kathbee

Hi Steve

So sorry to read about your situation.

At least you have taken the first step
to try to get some help, well done, that
is a brave thing to do.

I was under the impression that all anti-depressents
can be responsible for some kind of sexual dysfunction.
Together with the pain you are in its not surprising
that the problems seem huge right now.
Apparantly the anti d's work against the serotonin
in the body and I presume deplete it, but of course
someone with more medic knowledge will be able to
define that better.

It appears that your wife is only prepared to accept
what would be described as the perfect marriage,
and has not given much thought to the 'for better
or for worse, or in sickness and health' part of the
wedding vows she took.
We would all like to be healthy forever, but it doesnt
work like that, accidents and illnesses come along
and theres nothing we can do to halt that.
But has she thought about how she would
feel if it was her who had become sick, I'm sure you
would be much more supportive.

Sorry to have to point that out particularly when you
say you love your wife a lot. It is so sad, but there
are other ways that you can be close surely.
Its horrible to think that if sex goes out the window
then love has to follow it.

Maybe speak to your doctor again and discuss the
effects of the anti d's and the other meds you are on.
I do not know what else to offer you in the way
of advice, hopefully someone else can do better.

I really do hope things can be sorted for you.

I felt so sad to read your post.

Please keep in touch on here,
as I'm sure everyone will be wishing you well.

Kath

breane

Hi Steve,I was so sadden to read about your situation,and I wish I could offer you some constructive help.It is difficult when one partner becomes ill because it completely changes your lifestyle in so many ways.Being in pain all the time and not being able to do all things you used to takes it's toll on both partners.I am lucky as I have a supportive partner but when I first was diagnosed with OA and RA my constant moaning about the pain did get him down and it was only when we sat and talked it through that things became a lot better but from reading about your situation,it seems that you have already tried that especially with going to Relate.I wonder if the 'shoe was on the other foot'and it was your wife who was ill,would she expect your total support?I'm afraid I can't offer any really helpful advice but I am sure there will be other members who have been in a similar situation to you and who will be able to give you more support than I can.Just to let you know others are thinking of you.Take care. Breane.x

skezier

So sorry to hear about your marital problems Steve.

My first thoughts were that it`s hardly surprising that you are unable to "perform" as you put it. It is well known that fear and anxiety will affect a sex drive. Add to that the fact that you are taking anti-depressants, again recognised as suppressing the libido . Then there is your wife`s attitude, adding further pressure.

Your GP has said that he feels the meds are responsible, and yet he has not taken you off them, or changed them. He obviously feels that your depression is a bigger worry than your lack of a sex drive, at present. It may be a good idea to ask him to re-assess all your meds, particularly pain relief. Have you had physio, or attended a pain clinic?

Relate is a wonderful organisation - I myself have worked with them - but they cannot perform miracles. If your doctor confirms his belief that your meds are causing your problems, they may well hold off the sex therapy at present, and continue with personal counselling. Please take their advice. I wish you well......Ange.

lindalegs

Hi Steve,

I am so sorry for both of you.

For some people sex is more important than others and it's obviously high on your wife's agenda.

I hear what you say in that you have no sex drive and cannot perform but there are ways of pleasuring your wife without penetration :shock: Sorry to be blunt but it needs to be said :roll: Stroking, kissing, caressing, cuddling and oral sex could go some way to helping to satisfy her and also give you alot of satisfaction knowing you are pleasing her. This will help to take the pressure off both of you and you might feel more able to perform if there's no stress involved. What about using a vibrator or other sex toys - they may help you both?

Just a few suggestions and if I have any other 'X'-rated thoughts I'll let you know.

Luv Legs who's wearing a sex therapist's hat at the moment

page35

Hi steve
just wanted to say that i had depression on and off for about 4years and took anti ds, i lost interest in sex and most things as that is the nature of depression. i had counciling and the anti ds did work but it took awhile. all of this happend before i had arthritis.
i think you are making a huge effort to help youre self and youre marrage hopefully in time your wife will relise this and take the presure off you a bit.
i belive sex therapists sometimes tell you not to have sex for a lenght of time which would also take the presure off of you, so it may be a good thng to go.
wishing you all the best
Page

mistywillow

page35 wrote:

Hi steve
just wanted to say that i had depression on and off for about 4years and took anti ds, i lost interest in sex and most things as that is the nature of depression. i had counciling and the anti ds did work but it took awhile. all of this happend before i had arthritis.
i think you are making a huge effort to help youre self and youre marrage hopefully in time your wife will relise this and take the presure off you a bit.
i belive sex therapists sometimes tell you not to have sex for a lenght of time which would also take the presure off of you, so it may be a good thng to go.
wishing you all the best
Page

Hi Steve
Your post made me feel so sad for you. It is hard enough being ill when you have a supportive partner let alone when you dont. I think the sex issue is probably solvable, legs offered extremely good advice but I wonder whether your wife wants to try and resolve the issues and compromise or does she find it all too difficult. It may be that she needs time and councelling to adjust to what it all really means for you both. We would all like our illnesses to go away and have perfect lives, but everyone has challanges to face. What would she expect you to do if the situations were reversed? On the other hand, guilt is maybe not the best reason to stay together.
I really hope you can work things out and relate helps you both.
Gillx

frogmorton

Hello Steve
I have thought long and hard about this issue before replying to you.
I have been in a not dissimilar postion to your wife as my first hubby had no sex drive at all (turned out to be gay), this did nothing for my self esteem and I thought I was ugly and fat (size 10). Nothing could make me feel any better I felt men shold chase women not the other way round.... I think I was releived to leave him and I think he is far happier now!(not saying that's you - but the effects on me as a woman)
The next partner was unreliable work-wise (sex was fine!) in and out of work and once told someone that in order to live the life style he wanted to he needed to live with me!!! I was so upset I felt that things were the wrong way round somehow - I did want to be supported a bit...not all the time - I loved my job and colleagues too, but I felt like I was the bloke! Upbrininging I suppose. I wanted the res[ponsibility shared.
that also sot my self esteem to peices..
Now the thing is....your self esteem is shot to peices too!!! You sound devastated and bereft of your job (and all that goes with it especially for men), it's part of your identity gone.
Do you do any work from home? Something would be good for you even if it was to help staff a charity support line and not paid. Your wife would feel more respect for you and the relationship would be more equal. You would have things to talk about again.
She wouldn't still be with you if she did't have feelings for you.
Someone said that maybe your GP could look at changing your meds - surely that could be looked into?
Pkease don't vanish - let us know you are ok.
Take care Steve.
Toni x

valval

hi steve sorry r going through this , have problems with joint where pelvise joins back some times it is very painfull and others no pain at all but always in the back of my mind, so sex is not at the top of my list as always the fear will hurt it and do back in again :? . it is a shame u dont have better support as the pain is enough to cope with and having to give up work must have been a very hard decision 4 u i hope u get your condition under control and u and your wife find a way u both can be happy together things will get better it does take time so good luck and chin up

woodbon

Hi all I have a husband who has a medical problem, and that has taken away some of his sexual ability, not the desire. Thats diabetes, we manage and he has a drug like viagra, but not that one, but, like all things, it dosn't always work. Yes, I feel a bit like its my fault, I'm not attractive enough, all those things. Its a strange feeling, but I love my husband very much and although sex is hit and miss these days, I usually don't mind.

I can see that its easy for a woman to see a situation like yours, as a sort of slap in the face. It knocks your self confidence. She may need the help you're getting. I hope things will work out. Love Sue

mouseymousey

Hello Steve - Just wondering if you are receiving some counselling yourself - apart from Relate and the sex clinic? I was very against 'all that' as I am a great 'know it all'. But, it was refreshing to get a different perspective on a few things from someone with no pre judgements. Most of the 'stuff' I had worked out myself - but a few things really helped me a lot.

You certainly have a bag full at the moment - and to me it seems to centre on your wife's needs? Maybe just need to step back a bit - before you loose yourself?

I do understand how it must be from her point of view too, and all that resentment and anger must have been there for some time? Maybe she thinks the pain is a cover up for how you feel about her - and the anger comes from there? Maybe she is pushing you away before you push her? Complicated stuff - but look after yourself too.
Best wishes......

elnafinn

Dear Steve

I am very sorry to read your posting.

It is very difficult to know how to reply. You really sound very low and desperate and quite rightly so and you need help for YOU as well as from relate and the medics. We only hear your side of the story and I hope your wife is not being as harsh on you as I read through your thread.

Anti depressants do dampen sex drive so why not change your meds until hopefully you find one that may not. I do not think this is the only thing that is worrying your wife - surely not.

You need a one to one with someone to talk it all out, what is going on in your head. Mulling it over incessantly will not help how you are feeling at this time.

I wish I had a magic answer to make it all ok for you both but on one posting, I am at a loss to know what to say to comfort you.

I feel, but it is easy for me to say as I do not have to do it, a good start would be to talk with someone however non- inviting that sounds. Get it all out, what is really going on in your mind about your own life and life with your wife.

I send you courage and strength to do that.

Elna

ichabod6

Hello Steve,

Nobody on this site can give you any meaningful
advice without knowing your wife's views on your
situation. Support and compassion maybe, but not
advice.

joanlawson

Hi Steve

I think the main thing is to realise that none of your problems are your fault, and you shouldn't feel guilty about your lack of sex drive. It is a far more common problem than you would think, and it is often caused by underlying health problems. I think you have done the right thing by asking for help from Relate. They are experienced in these things, and hopefully, your wife will understand things a bit more from your perspective. I think you should try not to worry about what might happen in the future, but take one step at a time. For the moment, I would see how it goes with Relate. Also, try to reassure your wife that you love her and are making an effort to sort out your problems.

Joan

elnafinn

Dear Steve

Just wondered how you are today, since your posting yesterday. I keep thinking about your cry for help. I would be no good at all as a councillor. I would wish to take everyone under my wing, all the time, until they felt better in themselves mentally and saw life through happier eyes again.

I know it will not help you, overly, but I am thinking of you and quite surprising myself, how much.

Elna

elnafinn

Dear Steve

Just a gentle hello to you. Hope you call in soon. We are here for you, should you wish to talk.

Elna

pain0opain

stevefox442 wrote:

Hi,

Sorry I have not been on here for a while, been trying to sort things out in my life. As most of you know about my pain (back) and medication e.g. plus the strain on my marriage, I thought I would update you.

Still have not got a sex drive and this has been over 2 years now (this is the main problem of my marriage) I keep seeing my gp and even changed from one doctor to another... I'm on anti-depressants and Zapain tablets but my doc thinks it is the pain and meds that have killed my sex drive. The doc asked me to try Relate and so I booked an appointment, my wife and I went last night and we have to go back on our own to answer questions (full history report) Then they decide if we need Sex therapy??? I have told them about my pain and meds and relate needs to speak to my gp to see if this is the main cause. Anyway the consular asked my wife if she could live in a relationship without sex and she said no! Also she is angry at me for giving up work (I had to stop work due to my health and meds, I was falling asleep at the wheel everyday.. I nearly killed myself on the motorway). Today I feel so depressed and have constantly been going over this in my head. What happens if say they did put us on the sex therapy course and it helped but then my back got worse (it's been getting worse since 2002) I could not perform at all, then my marriage is over? what if the course did not help, then my marriage is over. I'm willing to try anything to save my marriage. I know its hard for my wife but I did not choose to have this accident to cause me all this pain and I have been thinking if it was the other way around? then I would live by my wife no matter what (in sickness and in health) but I guess you are thinking well it's easy for me to say that now but that is how I feel. I hate myself but I cant stop the way I’m feeling, I wish I had a sex drive, I wish I felt normal… I’m really at the end here and I don’t know what else to do and I’m so worried that my marriage will end. I really don’t want to lose her (I love her so much) I have told her all this but she needs sex in her life. I just hope this sex therapy stuff really does help. I have a wonderful home, car and my wife has a great career, but I think I’m a burden now and I think my wife does not want a husband who cant work, who always feels ill and if I ever ended up in a wheel chair then I think she would go, thats how I feel.

HI I ANM NEW I AM REALY GALD YOU PUT THIS ON AS A LOT OF US HAVE THIS PROBLEM I HAVE HAD THIS FOR 20 YEARS AND MY HUSBAND IS A WONDERFUL PERSON MY ADVICE TO YOU I AM PUTTING MY SELF IN YOU SHOE WHAT I WOULD DO IS TO LIVE APART FOR A WHILE A BREAK FROM EACH OTHET WORKS WONDERS IT CAN BRING A REALISION TOGTHER I THINK YOU WIFE IS VERY SHELIFH THERE IS OTHER THINGS IN LIFE THAN SEX PEOPLE PUT A LOT ON HAVING SEX IF SHE REALY LOVES YOU SHE WILL GIVES YOU SPACE MAYBE OTHER PEOPLE HAVE DIFFRENT VIEW

elnafinn

Steve, are you alright?

Luv
Elna

roczko

Hi Steve

There's a lot of what you say I can identify with and it seems others can too.

To have pain in place of something that's supposed to be pleasurable is devastating. To try and explain that to a partner for whom sex is a big part of their life is nigh on impossible.

Please let us know how things are going for you.

Patrick

woodbon

Hi It is good to talk about these problems, they are the sort of thing that people don't like to mention, because they don't like to think about people who have disablities having a sex life.

Speaking as " a woman of a certain age" and probably even more when I was younger, I feel very self concious of my body and sex appeal. The other day I caught myself thinking that my husbands sex drive may have dropped because he dosen't fancy me any more. After all, I have fat bits that wobble grey hairs, not many though, and scares on my tummy.

Could it be that your wife is worried that you don't want her any more. If shes out to work and your at home she may feel sad that you can't work and have more money.

People are complex and sometimes we get hold of the wrong end of the stick and blame the wrong reasons when things get tough.

I hope you get through all this. The best thing of all is you trying, and noone can do more than that. Lets face it marrages go wrong for so many reasons and people sometimes just walk away. Your wife could have walked away, but she didn't. Thats a good sign. But if you do part, at least you'll both know that you have tried. I think you're both brave.
Best wishes Sue

prayerman1973

Hi Steve,
What I have read from your post is a lot of you saying "I think" it may seem a silly question to ask but have you sat down with your wife, in a restaurant over wine or whatever her ideal night of relaxion may be, and asked her about her fears and concerns?
Have you been unemployed before whilst together? It may be that your wife knows how you get when you're not working i.e. bored, which also plays a part in bedroom activities. The lifestyle you have, car, house etc. may be something that you both have become accustomed to and having one income may be difficult to support which concerns her.

Women (and men) enjoy closeness and there is nothing more close than sex, does your wife feel without sex with her husband is an unimaginable thought causing 101 other questions from your wife "is it me, am I fat, am I ugly, am I too pushy, etc. etc.?"
I am not a relate counsellor or any counsellor for that matter, however, I know how my wife feels when we don't have that intimate moment be it holding hands in the street or a kiss in the morning, but I must say that there are other ways of having sexual closeness without actually having sex and maybe speaking to a thrapist is not such a bad idea.

Please have some alone time with your wife and talk together and ask her about her concerns and you can too explain just how you feel with the disability and what support you would like from her.

I wish you all the best

Alan

wrenis

Hi Steve,
hope things are going a little bit better... hope you check in soon, i'm worried about you!!!! please know there are people on your side.
wren

lindah

Hello Steve,just wondering how you are this week and whether you have realised how many people on here worry about you and send their support.
Thinking of you Linda H