Well...where do I start

shelleymogui

Sorry I havent been on for awhile, I hope all of you that I was keeping in contact with are well

For those who I haven’t seen for a while, my name is Shelley and i was the girl whose father was working and living in Spain. Well since then, he came back!! We got him back which was fantastic. His wife (step mum) had come back at Christmas to get a bungalow and get a job whilst dad sold the cafe and sorted stuff out there.

Now comes the crap bit. He got back and within a week he was in hospital with a major flare up in his left knee. Luckily he was in this country as it wouldve cost so much over in Spain. They said the fluid in the knee may be septic and so he went in for emergency knee surgery. He was on morphine and on a knee exercising machine and he had to get his knee to 90 degrees before he would be discharged. He was in hospital for about 15days.

My sister and I came from London and Warrington to visit him and everything was ok, until….his so called wife brought in a large case of clothes and left him. (we can only assume she didn’t want the hassle??) Anyway so she left him on the day of his discharge from hospital with a case of possessions and no where to go.

My sis and I made the journey back to Nottingham asap and picked him up. He is now living with me. He had the choice of mine, a flat which obviously has no stairs but yet is on the third floor (we figured that once you’re in, you haven’t got to do them every day) or my sisters who has a normal house where he would have to go upstairs for the toilet or bed.

With my flat also having a walk in shower he feels he made the right decision coming with me. He has been coping well and with the banisters close the steps even up to the third floor and down again haven’t been a problem, in fact they’ve been welcomed as a good exercise.

I have ordered a firmer mattress for him because he has been on a crappy bed, we forced him to take our bed the last few nights though (he is very stubborn) but on Saturday he could hardly walk,. I feared that I would have to call an ambulance just to get him some help or painkillers, I have never seen him in so much pain His back and shoulder also started hurting him. Luckily we managed to get to an out of hours service and he saw a lovely doctor who gave him diclofenic- voltarol (which he has been on before and he know does him wonders) and tramadil for the pain too. However much I am worried about the side effects of these tablets I am relieved he is not in the agony he was in on Saturday. The tablets gave him freedom to sleep Saturday night to the point we went out for a drive and a sit by a canal for fresh air on Sunday. He had only been getting 2 hours a night (also I was for worrying about him) and the painkillers gave him the relief to sleep in on Sunday morning and be a different man!!

I was crossing my fingers this morning that it would be the same kind of result, and thankfully I awoke to my dad hopping down the hall making me a cup of tea before work. I know he feels like he’s putting on us but he really isn’t, I know he will never believe me though and it is good that me and my partner have jobs where we are out from 7.30am til 7.30pm and he can have the run of the house all day. Then on the other hand we are out a lot and last week he ran out of Ramipril, a tablet for the heart you cant stop suddenly and I had to run from work to make sure he had some for the next day…hard when you haven’t registered yet because the situation made it so he had to go up north or down south!! Luckily all the NHS and doctors we saw made it happen but damn it was scary for me, as its all new. My mum works for The Disibilties Living Centre in Nottingham too and she says I should be careful of how I help him too, how I lift him and support him because I could hurt myself? So much to think of.

It really has been a mixed bag of emotions the last two weeks, especially learning how to care for not only another person and being there for them but also helping him with the added worry and sadness of a divorce and being abandoned, I cant believe how another human could do that to another, its another side of evil I have never seen before. I am sorry to have ranted but this site and the people on it really supported us last time and I thought I owed you all an update and an apology of my absence.

Thank you for listening (sorry its long) and any advice on how to care for someone (especially stubborn/proud people haha) and also anyone who knows about any benefits that could help him in his situation, he has phoned the Citizens advice and got help from them about employment and support benefit. Anything would be appreciated.

Love Shelley x

lindah

Hello and welcome back.Come on here and moan as much as you want or need.
Can't really offer any advice for your situation but good on you and your sister for jumping in to help your dad.
I know when my dad was alive he was really stubborn about doing his share so if you could give him jobs to do around the house,preparing meals or general tidying(if he is capable)this will help to bolster his self esteem.I think we all are guilty of trying to live the life we used to and not want to admit somethings are beyond us.
You sound as if you have a supporting partner too which your dad must be grateful for,Then again thats the feeling you have to try to discourage.
Good luck to you all.
Linda H 8)

elnafinn

Hi Shelley

I remember you. Lovely to hear from you and hear the latest in the long saga of events. At least your dad is back over here. You do have a lot on your plate at the moment and you are being wonderful, the best, you all are. Your mum is right about you being careful and not doing any damage to yourself whilst looking after your dad.

When my dad was alive, he used to fall and my mum always told him that no way could she lift or help him up (which he knew) but she would make him as comfortable as possible and then if he could not help himself, she would call someone or the ambulance crew.

I hope your dad gets all the help he requires and is not too stubborn.

Luv
Elna x

shelleymogui

Hey all

Feels good to be back.

Lindah, thanks so much for your comments and support. You certainly must've had a stubborn one in your life, sounds like you know all too well

Pixy, dont worry about getting back later if your still morphed up haha, and thanks for the support. I don't know about an angel but im trying my best and learning everyday, i actually really enjoy it. i look forward to hearing any ideas you may have.

And Elna, how are you? Long time no speak but like you say the saga continues. Not only do I work on a soap but my home life feels like a tv soap sometimes...all that drama.

Your poor mum and dad, must've been awful for your mum to see your dad if he fell. I had to catch my dad the other night and its painful when they have always seemed so strong. He laughed about it though which made me feel better.

I didnt want to cause a drama on Saturday by calling the ambulance but it did cross my mind that I would have to if he hadnt have found that strength to move (i dont know where it came from but he mustered it to get down 3 flights of stairs from somewhere). My partner was away and it was just me, I had to admit that it wouldve been my only other option otherwise.

Hope you are all well.

Shelley x

woodbon

Hello, I remember you too. I'm sorry that your Dad has been treated like this, but he is so lucky to have a family that cares so much for him. I looked after my Mother-in-law for 2 years and that was hard going at times, but, I'll never regret it as I feel now that she had the end to her life that she wanted.

You must take care of yourself though, have you registered with a GP for your father? If the have or when you do, see if they can send out a community occupational health worker to assess your fathers needs. They can provide equipment on lone, free of charge for him and that will not only make him more comfortable and independant, but help you look after him without damaging yourself. If you have to help a lot with his care, he may be entitled to have a home carer come in to assisst him with some tasks. Also, if you are lifting and doing manual work with him it may be possible for you to go on a short course to learn how to do things in a way that is safe for you and your father. I was a care assisstant with the local council until arthritis stopped me, I worked in the community and in a home and we all had manual handling training every year as a manditory part of our job. It only took a day. Make sure you claim as much as possible, it helps you both and you are saving the country hundreds of pounds by caring for Dad at home, so don't be emmbaressed. If your Dad has a fall and you need to lift him up, don't do it. Ring 999, they will send out paramedics who have the equipment and knowledge to do it safely.

Gosh, I'm going on a bit here, sorry, I may be telling you things you know allready, so please forgive me. I wish you all good luck and hope all goes well from now on. Love Sue

shelleymogui

woodbon wrote:

Hello, I remember you too. I'm sorry that your Dad has been treated like this, but he is so lucky to have a family that cares so much for him. I looked after my Mother-in-law for 2 years and that was hard going at times, but, I'll never regret it as I feel now that she had the end to her life that she wanted.

You must take care of yourself though, have you registered with a GP for your father? If the have or when you do, see if they can send out a community occupational health worker to assess your fathers needs. They can provide equipment on lone, free of charge for him and that will not only make him more comfortable and independant, but help you look after him without damaging yourself. If you have to help a lot with his care, he may be entitled to have a home carer come in to assisst him with some tasks. Also, if you are lifting and doing manual work with him it may be possible for you to go on a short course to learn how to do things in a way that is safe for you and your father. I was a care assisstant with the local council until arthritis stopped me, I worked in the community and in a home and we all had manual handling training every year as a manditory part of our job. It only took a day. Make sure you claim as much as possible, it helps you both and you are saving the country hundreds of pounds by caring for Dad at home, so don't be emmbaressed. If your Dad has a fall and you need to lift him up, don't do it. Ring 999, they will send out paramedics who have the equipment and knowledge to do it safely.

Gosh, I'm going on a bit here, sorry, I may be telling you things you know allready, so please forgive me. I wish you all good luck and hope all goes well from now on. Love Sue

Heya Sue,

Hope you are well, haven't spoken to you in a long time.Please don't feel like you are 'going on abit' I actually didnt think of asking someone via the doctors or whatever to come and assess. i thought that the benefit people would assess him for that anyway but never thought about that in general to try and get things on lone. He is registered here with my doc temporarily as we had to sharpish when he ran out of ramipril and it was an emergency, but i dont know how much help we will get as only temp (altho I am a full patient of theirs).

I am getting some equipment from my mums work but she sent me a catalogue from 'Ways & Means' and my god i could spend a fortune. The raisers are great but mum says best to try things out and stuff. Thats what her place does so im sure i can get him in there if needs be.

Great to know about the course too, I dont think id be able to fit it in at the moment but I might look into something online for a quick guide. Its not too bad now but good to know.

Thanks again and please dont underestimate all of your advice, to a complete novice like me its brilliant

Shelley xx

angel1

Shelley hello,

What a love you are being to your dad at present, when he needs you so much. I really admire you.

Sue has - as always - made some excellent points about getting all the outside help you may be entitled to.

You don`t say how long you expect your dad to be dependent on you, but from the way you describe him, I would imagine it won`t be too long.

I have two wonderful sons, who live long distances from me. Just the knowledge that they are always there for me should I need them - like when I had my TKR - is enough for me. I need my independence, and they need their own lives, although I miss them dreadfully.

When the time comes, and your dad is ready and able to get back to his own life, I am sure that you will be just as loving and supportive as you are being now.........I wish you all well......Ange.

elnafinn

Good idea Sue, an OT (occupational therapist) would be able to obtain aids free for your dad should she feel he needs things.

Shelley - If your dad would agree he can also wear a personal alarm device around his neck (you can wear it under clothing so it is not on view!) as a pendant or on the wrist that he can press if he falls in the home and no one is around. You do have to pay for this service though. My mum got one of these ....... eventually ... and she has used it on occasion and they are with her within minutes. She thinks it is a great idea NOW and it is peace of mind for her and for you when you are not there. It is getting them to agree in the first instance and then not to forget to wear it, that is the difficult part!!

Love
Elna x

shelleymogui

Angel - Thankyou, I dont really know how long it is going to be to be honest. Thats what the problem was in the first place, because we all sprang to his side when we took him home we had nothing set up for him, If we'd have known, we'd have got beds made up, ordered his mattress earlier and maybe gotten sorted better.

He has come back from Spain and he is on about going there once he is better but as a tourist for 3 weeks, A) to give Ali and I a break (we said we wont need one) and because it will be a well deserved holiday (he has a place to stay) and he still has things to pick up from out there which may go into a house when he gets one here.

Now thats the other thing housing lists, no idea how long they take and also with him being 56 and a workaholic he wants to work again which isn't all together an idea out of the window. If he could earn enough to support himself it might be better.

Elna- good idea about the alarm, if he gets unsteadier then I will consider as approaching that at the mo might be a bad idea, also he has only lost balance once so far with me.

Fingers crossed eh chaps and chapesses.

Thanks again x

lindalegs

Hi Shelley,

Nice to see you around again - believe it or not you did cross my mind the other day and lo and behold here you are :shock:

I would say let your Dad do as much as he feels able, I'm sure if he's struggling he'll ask for help - remember not so long ago he was running a business in a foreign country and that must take alot of stamina.

The stairs are a good thing - albeit three flights :shock: When I was first diagnosed we lived in a bungalow and decided we'd move to a house, so for 21 years I've climbed the stairs to bed (even on days when I can barely walk) and I'm glad because if I didn't I would avoid stairs at all costs and not be able to climb them now.

You've been given some super advice from the others, so don't overdo things and enjoy having your Pa back.

Luv Legs

shelleymogui

lindalegs wrote:

Hi Shelley,

Nice to see you around again - believe it or not you did cross my mind the other day and lo and behold here you are :shock:

I would say let your Dad do as much as he feels able, I'm sure if he's struggling he'll ask for help - remember not so long ago he was running a business in a foreign country and that must take alot of stamina.

The stairs are a good thing - albeit three flights :shock: When I was first diagnosed we lived in a bungalow and decided we'd move to a house, so for 21 years I've climbed the stairs to bed (even on days when I can barely walk) and I'm glad because if I didn't I would avoid stairs at all costs and not be able to climb them now.

You've been given some super advice from the others, so don't overdo things and enjoy having your Pa back.

Luv Legs

Hey Linda,

My Goodness you have a good memory, and give sound advice too. I just called him actually and it brightens my day when he says things like 'i have just hung up the washing and washed the pots and ive been on the phone to the CAB' haha, not only does it help me but I know just what he's feeling by what he can do.

Hoping he doesnt push it though, I keep saying that even though these painkillers are good and you cant feel the pain doesnt mean its not there and he should still keep the weight off with crutches if he needs to.

I know what you mean about the stairs, he actually finds it quite good now and he judges how good his knee is by it. If his knee wont allow him to bend to take a step then its an 'iffy' day. Makes me giggle because he climbs the stairs going 'good knee, bad knee, good knee, bad knee' as if to remind him how much weight to put on it haha.

Im really enjoying having him back and am loving the company, but I am savouring it because I know as soon as he's mobile properly he'll be off. At least i'll know he'll feel very homely if he comes back to visit though because its a big part of his recovery now. Just hope it doesnt always remind him of the situation and his divorce.

Hope you are well Linda, have missed you all!!

xx

sharmaine

Shelley

First of all I'm sorry to hear about your father's physical and emotional troubles. I think stress can also play a part in arthritic flare ups. He's been through the mill.

How wonderful that he has a caring and generous daughter in you. He is lucky. I would suggest you remind him how much he is loved and that you want to help him. His wife seems to be jolly heartless to leave him so callously. My best friend's husband left her when she was diagnosed with cancer. She kept hoping that he would return but he never did and sadly she died still loving him. Some people cannot deal with illness or have the kindness to help others.

I hope he starts to feel better soon. I'm sure there are organisations out there who will offer you help and advice - I just can't suggest any at the moment.

This site is great and I'm sure someone will come up with something.

In the meantime - well done for your kindness. Not everyone understand how disabling this condition can be or how painful.

Regards to you and your father

Sharmaine

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lindalegs

I'm well, thanks for asking.

I think you have to bear in mind Shelley, yes the painkillers are masking the pain, but it also means he's able to do things and therefore he's keeping the muscles going - once our muscles have wasted through lack of use it's sooo hard to build them up again when we have defective joints. He'll know if he's doing too much and hopefully he'll listen to his body and rest.

Take care.

Luv Legs

shelleymogui

lindalegs wrote:

I'm well, thanks for asking.

I think you have to bear in mind Shelley, yes the painkillers are masking the pain, but it also means he's able to do things and therefore he's keeping the muscles going - once our muscles have wasted through lack of use it's sooo hard to build them up again when we have defective joints. He'll know if he's doing too much and hopefully he'll listen to his body and rest.

Take care.

Luv Legs

First of all thankyou Sharmaine for your kind words, its hard to get the balance at the minute, I let him talk about his wife and how she is ignoring him now and wont even talk about important things like finances and business things and I start to forget that he is in pain and that with his knee, then he'll wince and go on to talk about what his plans are t get fit and get a job and house.

It must be so hard for him to deal with both of these aspects at the same time, where he should be using his mental energy to get well (which im sure he is doing in the way of taking his mind off his marriage) sometimes I think his physical side can get worse if he starts feeling down, its easy to spiral think your way to feeling worse physically because your are mentally tired.

Thank you

and Linda yeah I think i am wrapping him in cotton wool slightly, do you think I should give him hoovering jobs and things more? He wants to walk to the doctors but I think thats a bit far for him at the moment, On crutches he forgets he is relying on his hands too (which he started getting cramp in his finger the other night- i said it was probably use of crutches because it was when we had the tiring hobble to the docs) also his left foot has become swollen even though i rubbed it when it has pins and needes to get blood flowing again.

Does anyone else feel that its one thing after another once you depend on another part to keep you mobile?

Sorry again, rambling

xxxxxxx

dachshund

Hello Shelley.
I dont know you but you are a very caring person have you heard of homeline you have a buzzer you can press you can wear it around your neck and if you fall or near help you press it you can also have something fixed to the front door to speak to the person and let them in from where you are.i know because my sister used them she is in a wheelchair. good luck with everything.
joan xx

lindalegs

shelleymogui wrote:

and Linda yeah I think i am wrapping him in cotton wool slightly, do you think I should give him hoovering jobs and things more? He wants to walk to the doctors but I think thats a bit far for him at the moment,

Hi again Shelley,

If I remember correctly, when he was running his business in Spain he was overdoing it then and if you start asking him to do things he might think you expect it of him no matter how well/ill he feels. I'm sure he'll look around and see things that need doing and then do them and feel he doing you a favour - which face it he is (Actually if he needs a bit of practice he could come and look round my house and see what needs doing )

As for walking to the doctors - although I don't know how far it is I would think if he's still on crutches it's too far unless there are lots of benches around for him to stop and rest along the way.

Arthritis does tend to like a little wander around the body too, sits for a while in one joint then goes off for a change of scenary :roll:

Hope this helps.

Luv Legs

shelleymogui

lindalegs wrote:

shelleymogui wrote:

and Linda yeah I think i am wrapping him in cotton wool slightly, do you think I should give him hoovering jobs and things more? He wants to walk to the doctors but I think thats a bit far for him at the moment,

Hi again Shelley,

If I remember correctly, when he was running his business in Spain he was overdoing it then and if you start asking him to do things he might think you expect it of him no matter how well/ill he feels. I'm sure he'll look around and see things that need doing and then do them and feel he doing you a favour - which face it he is (Actually if he needs a bit of practice he could come and look round my house and see what needs doing )

As for walking to the doctors - although I don't know how far it is I would think if he's still on crutches it's too far unless there are lots of benches around for him to stop and rest along the way.

Arthritis does tend to like a little wander around the body too, sits for a while in one joint then goes off for a change of scenary :roll:

Hope this helps.

Luv Legs

Hehe thanks Linda and I think that he is THAT bored at the minute that if he had great mobility he wouldnt need asking twice to come over to clean your house!!

He did the pots yesterday and ive put the washer on this morning which he told me to do so I think your right, its better this way round. He is telling me what he is capable of in a way.

It's weird how you said arthritis tends to wander because I did a post this morning at midnight ish as he has a very swollen ankle and am going to take him to get that and a burst blood vessel rash checked out tonight.

You guys are saints, living with the up and downs every day, seems you have a pain free day and then something else to tackle the next.

I feel a bit of a fraud being on here sometimes, being a bit of a carer but not really and I really think you lot are the strongest people I know.

I am so grateful I stumbled across this site, more needs to be done to promote this though. I am thinking of ideas and will keep you posted.

Shelley x