Feeling Guilty

snoops

Hi,
I havent been on this site for a while but need some help.
Why does my husband keep makeing me feel guilty. I, like alot of OA & RA sufferers feel very down, for want of a better description. He does not seem to to be able to grasp that we have up days & weeks & down days & weeks. He cannot seem to grasp the fact that sometimes I am able to do more on some days than others. Feel happier on days than others. Why I should feel down at all.
He just does NOT LISTEN. I have gotten info but he just makes up his own mind. He is a man who likes control, he is ex-forces & he cannot control this. I do not know how much longer I can put up with him. He is very thoughtless. He tells me to talk to him about how I feel then takes over the conversation. Tells me how he feels & how I make him feel!!! I just dont bother & I feel very BLOODY FED-UP!!!!!
I really dont want to be here with him anymore but nowhere to go!!! He is doing my head in!!!
Sorry for this rant!!!

angel1

snoops wrote:

Hi"" He is a man who likes control & he cannot control this."


I feel that the above sentence says it all. He tells you to talk to him, which is good. However, when you do, he feels threatened by what you are telling him, because, as you say, it`s something he can`t control. He is showing classic signs of avoidance, not able to face his fears.

Does he go along to hospital visits, or visits to GP with you? Perhaps it would help if you could arrange for a professional to have a word with him. I wish you peace of mind.....Ange.

josiec

Hi Snoops,
Sorry you are feeling this way it must be very hard to feel your family don't understand. I wonder if your husband is finding it hard because, like you say, it is something that he hasn't got control over and he finds that difficult to cope with. I am not excusing or condoning, just thinking aloud. Has he ever been to any appointments with you? He may find it harder to talk over your doctor and the doctor may be able to reinforce what you are saying to him. Could you put your feelings down in a letter so he could digest it at his own pace? There was a letter about arthritis on here somewhere that may provide some help-I can't remember who posted it but I bet someone else who comes along will know. Finally, keep offloading on here without apology as often as you need because others here understand. Don't know if any of this is any use, just my thoughts, take care, best wishes, Josie

frogmorton

Hi Snoops
I am so sorry you sound really miserable and like you have good cause too.
Have you tried writing him a letter? The only reason I say it is bacause then he can't interupt you!
If you had a good relationship at one time and you still love him you could remind him in your letter.
My husband likes to solve things too and otherwise bury his head in the sand. He didn't mind my back op because it was to a large extent 'fixable'. This is such an unknown entity, to all of us, and you could do with his support as we are frightened too
Is there a family member or friend who has influence over him who could help have a chat to him?
If no-one else has any better ideas and these are no good you know we are always here for you to have a moan to if you need to.
You take care and do NOT feel guilty!!!
Toni x

elnafinn

Dear Snoops

Seems quite common this story. Men seem to like to fix things and unfortunately when one is diagnosed with a disease this is not the case. One has to learn about it, and be that one step ahead of the unwell person and just do things for them and around the house, but men's brains do not seem to work that way, or not as a matter of course. We have learnt to multi task, think ahead, plan, they often do not.

Men often do not show their feelings as readily as we do and that comes across, very difficult at times. You need love, reassurance and all that and he is perhaps not used to giving that as you used to be able to do so much and just got on with it, like we do.

Would it help if you saw someone together and also alone so hopefully things could be ironed out a little.

He probably feels very frightened and unhappy inside, like you do too, but the way he goes about it, comes across as uncaring and all the other negative words one can think of. I am sure he loves you and it pains him greatly to see how things are now with you .... and him.

Try not to throw it all away, try to get him to talk to someone "on the outside, looking in, and you too and hopefully things will get better.

Love
Elna xx

skezier

Hi Snoops,

Its very difficult sometimes to get people who love you to understand what is actually happening to you. They can't help but see it from their side cus they are so close. I think you have had some very good advice from the others, I do think Toni may be right in writing a letter cus though it sounds odd at least he will be able to see how your feeling. The only other suggestion I can give would be for you both to go to some kind of joint counselling since he will have to let you talk as they will be there.

I really wish I could help more and in the mean time as has been said you can always come and rant to us. Cris x

roczko

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way Snoops and sorry too that your husband doesn't seem to understand.

It's probably little consolation but I too find those close to me have little idea of how this disease affects me and my relationships.

It must be a little scary for him to see you as you are but unable to make you better but that doesn't excuse him from trying to empathise with you.

I don't want to sound depressing but sometimes it seems to be a very solitary disease made even worse by know-it-alls and those seemingly without compassion.

Patrick

valval

hi snoops next time he askes how u feel ask him if he really wants to know or shall u skip that bit and just go to the bit where he tells u will save u both time .u must feel so alone u need some one to talk to and who will listen my oh does not always get it but is getting better .was on here my oldest son said who has arthritis and looked blank when i said me but has been lovely since. when u need some one to talk to we r here 4 u never be alone when all your friends r just a click away

livinglegend

My rheumy told me that the biggest problem I had to face was not coming to terms with RA myself, but getting my family/friends to come to terms with it.

Passing anti-men comments on this forum will not help anyone and will alienate people who need to understand what is happening to you. I would suggest that you ask him to take you on your next rheumy visit and leave them together for a few minutes to discuss things privately.

Hopefully that may work. It is worth a try.

Joseph 8)

Wonkylegs

I do think that the earlier post about how men THINK in a different way was really valid. That is about helping to understand, rather than knocking men.


My husband finds it very difficult to see me in pain, to see my frustration on the days I cannot do what I want, or to accept that however hard he tries he cannot sort things out for me.

We found it hard to talk about my arthritis at first, as I didn't understand how he felt, and I didn't understand how I felt!

I saw my GP and she got us some counselling, which taught us lots about how we each dealt with different emotions and situations, and it has helped us a lot.

My hubby DOES think in a totally different & more considered way to me - and he admits that just as I admit that I think and act in a more multi-layered way.

I would really recommend writing things down - sometimes writing things down for ourselves teaches us a lot about what our real feelings are. Also, in writing thigs down you can go back and read and re-read it yourself, and so can your partner. It gives time for reflection, and also reduces the chances that something is said which might later beregretted!

I hope you can find a system that works for youa nd your hubby.

best of luck

ichabod6

The advice in the penultimate paragraph of Wonkylegs'
reply is the best single piece of advice I have ever read
on these forums.

eckstardeluxe

Hi there

I was deeply saddened reading your post. I feel guilty now because I have one who is the exact opposite and want to do a 'Hubby Swap' so you can experience this support.

I do think it is hard for those with ill partners to come to terms with things but that doesn't help you in your situation at the moment.

I had a problem with the hubby once in the early days about his gambling. Someone suggested writing him a letter and leaving it for him to read when I was not going to be home. I explained why I was so worried about this and that I felt my trust was being abused after i had allowed a certain amount to try and be helpful to find one week over a hundred pounds vanished from our account.

The letter worked, it stopped immediately, he only then stated he realised he had a problem after reading my thoughts on paper.

It's really worth trying. Good luck x

snoops

Many many thanks to all you lovely people. It is certainly great knowing you are all there for each other. The advice you all give is tremendous!!!
I have taken his nibs to the docs ect & a comment from my doctor was 'He dos'nt listen does he?' He's ex-army. 40yrs.
Still, like us all I will carry on & knowing you are all there will give me strength.
Love to you all!!!

dianel

Hi,
Just a footnote to all the excellent advice you've been given.
There's no doubt that your husband needs to understand what is happening to you and after reading your last post I am hopeful that this will be so.
However, would just point out my own experience with this terrible disease - my emotions are most definitely not stable, and I've learnt to try to not react too quickly to situations knowing that tomorrow I may feel differently. I don't know whether others have found this but it's very marked with me. All the very best that you will work things out. Diane.

woodbon

Hi, My husband and myself do talk and he trys and mostly manages to come to appointments with me. We do talk about arthritis and the effect that it has on our relationship, he helps me a lot and its drawn us closer together. We don't always agree and often end up shouting at each other. :oops: Sometimes we both expect the other to mind read!!! :shock: He has diabetes and likes to deal with this himself. He does talk to me about it but I have to accept that he is the sort of person who will find out what he needs to do and do it. He does ask for help when he need to. He knows I'd like to be more involved, but, when we've tried, its just ended in arguements.

I think its because we are two different people, my husband went to boarding school at an early age and then University, so he grew up relying on himself. I lived at home until we married and always had family around to help me, and I'm used to sharing problems and talking things through. It took us many years to learn about each other and even after 24 years, we are still learning. But thats just our way of coping, everyone is different and this would not suit a lot of people. Love Sue. PS Unfortunatly, we could not have children, so we only have each other. That has to make a differance. Sue