Helpful advice needed please..............

union477

My lovely partner has RA and is very brave about it even though I know she is suffering. I do not want advice on what to do as a carer. I care but I also love this lady and want to be as understanding and helpful as I can without "wrapping her up in cotton wool". Can anyone offer constructive advice on things to do and most important things not to do. She is in her 50's. The multitude of tablets she is on just minimise the effects. She is fatigued after just a couple of hours and I worry about her.

Help from similar people would be appreciated.

tkachev

I think you will help her if you dont make her feel like a nuisance when she needs help or things need doing round the house ,and you believe how she feels.You wouldnt believe how many people make you feel like you are over -reacting or making it up!
But carry on caring and loving her as that it so important and you seem to be doing that very well.

Take care Tkachev.(I have R.A)

frogmorton

Hi Union
What a nice hubby!
WOW!!
I agree she won't want molycoddling and she will be greiving for the loss of her former life. I don't know whether her meds mix is right from what you have said, but it sounds as though she is having a bad flare just now?
The best you can do is to listen (she might 'go on' abit we all do! and be patient with her. Offer to help where you can and let her do what she is capable of and wants to do. Don't let her flounder and keep telling her you love her and she is gorgeous!
This post has made me right well-up and I wish you both the very best of luck - maybe she will come on here when she feels a bit better?
Take care
Toni xx

debbieclap

Hi Union
I agree with what the others have said I have OA and my hubby is my carer He used to try too hard and do too much drove me mad he now allows me to do what I can knowing I will ask for help if I cannot do it.
Keep telling her you love her may be take her out for lunch just the two of you when she is well enough I can get fed up being around the house all the time.
All the best
Debbie

debatat

Hi Union, I think it is so lovely you want to help her and that you have posted here. It can be hard to ask for help and hard to give the help. It will take time and honest communication to get the balance right for you.

Listen to her and reassure her that you still love her and that she is still the same person.

Have fun, go out and do things, but she will probably tire more easily.

Give yourselves time to adjust, one person is diagnosed but you both get to live with it.

Take care

Deb

woodbon

Hello, I'm glad that you've found this site, its very helpful.
As for careing for your wife goes, she needs to do as much for herself as possible, let her try things and only step in if she asks or things are getting difficult. This will help her to keep her independance for as long as possible. Its quite a hard thing to do though.
Try and get her to tell you when she really needs help, but I'm sure with time you will find that you are able to see what is needed and be able to work together. If shes trying hard to do something, let her unless shes really upset or in a dangerous position, even if it takes a lot longer! She will feel better for doing things herself.

I hope you get on well, it will take some getting used to, but will be worth it in the end. I used to be a carer working with physically disabled adults and I loved it, but it must be harder when its someone you love and careing is 24/7. So take what help is offered and look after yourself! Love Sue

vonski

Hi

What a nice thought, like others have said listen and reassure her. If she has a better day see if she wants to do somethings herself, that way she will feel that she still has some independance. On a bad day pamper her. It will be quite hard for you to see her struggle but there is a happy medium.

Love
Vonski x

Wonkylegs

so much of what I would have wanted to say is already said above.

however, the two most important things I think are to talk honestly, and to try to see the funny side in anything that happens.

My hubby and I find it really frustrating when I can't do things, but we laugh about my 'dropsy' when I am dropping things all the time, and when I ask him the same question a zillion times because my memory has taken a holiday, he just smiles and answers again ... and again .... and again ....!!!

Whoever mentioned that although one gets diagnosed you both get to suffer is spot on. But don't let it stifle your lives ....... you just need to get creative with ways round things.

hopeto see you on here again.

best of luck,

WOnkyl

valval

hi union u put tears in my eyes u sound so nice u can do all those big hard to do jobs changing the bed cutting the grass ect but if she normaly does something ask her if she would like you to do it or help her as we like to keep as much independance as we can but it is so hard to get your head around. also she is going to feel down, mad ,angry and even happy just give gentle cuddle when needed and space when needed . i am sure u will do the right thing just being there is the most important thing

angel1

You have been given superb advice by the others.

I would sum up by saying just two things.......Love and absolute communication.

My best wishes to you both.