Many Thnaks.....................

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union477
union477 Member Posts: 7
edited 29. Sep 2009, 07:21 in Living with Arthritis archive
To all those lovely people who answered my plea for help a week or two ago. The information and advice given on understanding RA and helping my wonderful partner was invaluable.

However I now have another problem and I have no idea what the solution is or how I handle the problem (if it is a problem) even.

My lovely lady tries to do things for me which causes her distress and pain. She says she does it because she wants to. Unfortunately this makes me feel very guilty. It also makes me very upset and emotional to see her in paid because of her want to do things for me.

How do I handle the situation without making her feel unwanted and useless?

I have no idea what to say or do.

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  • eckstardeluxe
    eckstardeluxe Member Posts: 1,192
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    union477 wrote:
    To all those lovely people who answered my plea for help a week or two ago. The information and advice given on understanding RA and helping my wonderful partner was invaluable.

    However I now have another problem and I have no idea what the solution is or how I handle the problem (if it is a problem) even.

    My lovely lady tries to do things for me which causes her distress and pain. She says she does it because she wants to. Unfortunately this makes me feel very guilty. It also makes me very upset and emotional to see her in paid because of her want to do things for me.

    How do I handle the situation without making her feel unwanted and useless?

    I have no idea what to say or do.

    Hi, if you are asking what I think you are, you could try what my hubby said to me once.


    I am your companion, this is a very small part of our relationship and a part I could do without if it causes you pain. I am here with you because I love you, you are my best friend and that's all that matters, me and you being together.

    If I am wrong in my assumption, I'll get my coat. :oops:
  • valval
    valval Member Posts: 14,911
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    not going to ask what things, but if u explain how much she means to you and how it hurts u to see her in such pain i am sure what ever else u say will not hurt her or make her feel less of a woman. but if it is your relation ship that causing probs u can work on that togther and make sure she knows you still fancy her . good luck sure together you will work it out
    val
  • tkachev
    tkachev Member Posts: 8,332
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    If she wants to do things she previously could do before all the pain
    then it is make her feel good about herself and not feel so hopeless and so relient on you.She prob doesnt want to feel cut out from life.
    I think you need to let her feel involved.I hope she will stop if it gets too much.

    Take care Tkachev
    Never be bullied into silence.
    Never allow yourself to be made a victim.
    Accept no ones definition of your life

    Define yourself........

    Harvey Fierstein
  • Wonkylegs
    Wonkylegs Member Posts: 3,504
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    I can understand how hard this must be for you - my hubby has had to struggle with this too.

    We talk a lot about how each other is feeling, so that we can understand what is going on.

    I am afraid that we are often too stubborn for our own good and try so hard to be what we think we 'should' be rather than what we can be. it is something that the two of you need to work out together, and maybe when you are ready a bit of counselling together might help? just a thought, as it really helped us. We got some through our GP.

    If you can let your wife know that you love her, and perhaps if you hate to see her in pain you could suggest ways to make things easier that she still wants to do? being inventive in all parts of life has to become second nature with RA in tow I am afraid!

    and if all else fails, try to find the funny side i things. there is usually one if you look hard enough!

    sorry not to be more help.
  • woodbon
    woodbon Member Posts: 4,969
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Hi, It must be hard to see her struggle, but she will be getting a lot out of doing things for you. Try and let her do as much as she can, so that she can feel of some use and show her how much you apprieciate what she does for you. Maybe, too you could start doing some of the things together, like if shes cooking, peeling the veg. that sort of thing and make it a nice cosy chatting time, when you can have a laugh! I'm sure you manage together very well! ] :wink: Love Sue
  • elnafinn
    elnafinn Member Posts: 7,412
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    You must try not to feel guilty, upset and emotional when, as she has said, she wishes to do things for you which may or may not always cause her pain and distress. I think you said in a previous posting that you did not wish to wrap her in cotton wool. Please let her do what she would like to do even if in the end it does not always work out. She does need that independence of making up her own mind on matters. If you communicate well and work together things should sort themselves out. That is my humble opinion.

    I wish you both all the very best,

    Luv
    Elna x
    The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

    If you can lay down at night knowing in your heart that you made someone's day just a little bit better, you know you had a good day.
  • union477
    union477 Member Posts: 7
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Many thanks for all your advice and kind thoughts. M has lived with this for some time now but I find it so difficult to know what the right things to say or do are. This is the woman I love dearly and she is suffering because she is trying to do the things that a) she wants to and b) thinks she ought to. I am sure that most of you will guess what I am on about.
    When I tell her that it really doesn't matter she gets upset because she feels that she is letting me down.
    I will take the advice given and see how things develop. Once again many thanks for all your understanding and nice comments.

    JH
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