Bad Day For Me - Having Strange Thoughts

eckstardeluxe

Good Morning folks

I know this is not really the type of post I type, but I suppose everyone has to at some point.

I know most of you know my history and what happened with me. I am getting myself so down now. I am going through the negligence claim which I know has to be done but it is very distressing actually hearing people read out that stuff. Also the pain is very, very bad and getting worse when I am trying to walk anywhere. I have started realising how much I can't cope at work, it is tiring me to exhaustion even 18 hours. I went to Asda with the hubby and when he went to another aisle, no-one was there, I lay down on the floor and rolled into a ball, which helps crack my spine back, hoping to get up before he returned but he came back like this :shock: I had to leave my son without a nappy a few times in the house this week, naked from waist down as could not physically hold him still to change him and he peed the floor.

I have told the Dr I need to speak to a Counsellor again as they don't know anything about this new stuff, they treated me for PTSD relating to abuse in the Hospital when I had my original illness and testing I was subjected to of new medicines they were trying out, I waited so long to find out about my OA, and the other issues.
They have requested my xrays be used for training as apparently the worst they have seen in so many years and never that damage in anyone under 80. I try to see this positively like my illlness is helping someone but I am still so angry.

I am angry at me for battling through the pain and just being so stupid for years, I plague myself with stuff that I have done which I know has contributed to the end stages but I know I'd never have had my kids if I had known, the ones who keep me drudgning on and smiling through the agony. So again I try to take a positive. But it's getting harder people, if you knew me in real life you'd never know, I'm the consummate actress. My GP can't believe I'm still working - in a very good way, but she wants me to rest. I am so frightened, I am very, very tired and feel maybe if I stop to rest I will find it hard to get back up again and for me as independent as I am, I have to be out there, I can't be this disabled person in people's eyes. I can't stand this pity from people but I can't hide from it. Does anyone understand? Please say you feel the same and can help me, I don't know where to turn, my family know me to be tough, non emotional, I know if they see me this way they will get so worried I am going to start trying to drive into trucks again. I know this post must be all over the place, I'm sorry, but is there anyone who can help me make sense of it all?

Alex

lindah

I don't know that I can say anything which can help you except I have been depressed before and needed help and the hardest thing was admitting it.
Would it help you to speak to someone on the helpline,they are independent and supportive as well as non judgemental and could maybe help youout til you see the doc.
I know what you meana about appearances,my other half was really shocked the other week when I answered truthfully how much pain I was in and burst into tears.
Do you have family to help with your son,although it won't do him any harm to have no nappy for a few times.
Don't be too critical of yourself either you have been on this forum helping a lot of us through our darkness,so lean on us if you need to.
Linda H

tkachev

Dear Ek
I dont know your full story but I think you are having a bad time with your employer as well as your health.Sometimes everything just gets too much.
I have suffered in the past.Especially having to deal with my autistic son and my daughter has constant bowel probs whilst I was in severe pain.I was relieved not to be working so I could snatch some respite in the daytime.Sometimes I dragged myself around in a daze from one incident to the next.Getting nappies on the kids was a prob for me too.Poo on the walls and windows,painfully clean that up,meanwhile the laptop is out another window cos Im not able to pay attention.
I really feel for you.It exhausts me just reading about it and has brought memories flooding back and how difficult and depressing it all was but am better now so can cope more or less.
I just want to say you are a lovely,fun person and I always enjoy your humour.But you are entitled to let rip as life can be really difficult at times.You cant always be Supermum or lovely Alexandra.

I will be thinking of you
Tkachev

elnafinn

You are certainly right there, Alex, this is not the sort of thing that you post at all. You never do and you are one of the people that has every right to do so. I know you are feeling rock bottom today of all days. I am aware of your history and I also know that you are of very strong character and do not like fuss made of you, mollycoddling or any of that sort of thing. You wish to be normal and carry on normally, like we all do. Going through the claim and as you say hearing it all again, brings it all flooding back, not that it is ever that far from your mind, I am sure, has caused you go through all the emotions again, there are to go through.

You know that you cannot carry on with this fascade. You are terrified of cracking. This is what is so very frightening for you. People would be shocked if they knew the truth of how you feel, have felt, but I think it has to come out in the end. People will be shocked but will be there to help you if you will accept. You must see someone and talk, talk. Perhaps even writing it down today may have helped a bit, even if only a minscule bit. You have gone through many emotions but there are still a few to go through and the last one is acceptance.

I do hope you can talk with someone very soon. You need all strings pulled now to get that started. I am sorry if none of this helps at all, which it probably will not, but my thoughts are with you and we are all here for you. I see quite a few have looked at your thread but not answered and I must admit it is a very difficult one to answer and find any words that will be of comfort to you.

Love
Elna x(())

kathbee

Hi Alex

Sorry to hear you are feeling so down, its not really surprising with everything that has happened/is happening to you and you do have a right to be angry.

You dont normally post a lot of how you are feeling and like you say, everyone has to at some point.
I'm glad you have been able to write it all down and hopefully you will be able to speak with a professional soon who can help you through at least some of this.

It cant be easy for you hiding how you are feeling from your family and your work colleagues, I dont know how you do it.

You give advice and help so many people on this site alone.

I know I cant offer any 'proper' advice but just to let you know that I am thinking about you and hoping that soon you will be feeling much stronger. I also think a little time to yourself would not go amiss to take stock of everything.
We all need that.

Love Kath xx

skezier

Hi Alex,

I am so sorry your are feeling down but with all thats going on its not surprising and visiting old memories stirs up the feeling that you have hidden for so long BUT you will come through it flower, you really will.

I remember being there and for me counselling was a god send. I do really hope your doctor will get that sorted for you very soon.

I can't do more then promise you are not alone and offer as much support as I can. Your pain may be because your feeling down, I know mine hurts much more when I am unhappy. Try and find a bit of relaxation time for you, I know its hard cus you have your kids but you have to, for a min, take a bit of time each day and relax. There is so much for you to contend with at the mo, and I remember how much I kicked my self for doing what I had done to contribute to the state of my spine and thats how I know you mustn't think like that.

Ask about the pregabalin, its much better than the gabapentin I promise you.

I am sending you a heartfelt hug and a real hope you get the counselling soon. I found writing out my feelings helped, I burned them after I had done it and somehow sending them int the ether helped me. You take care and I really do promise you will come through this. (((( )))) and love Cris xx

eckstardeluxe

Hello Everyone, thank you for your very very touching responses. All of them are helping me.

Elna - I just burst out crying reading your post. Are you my Mum????? You are an extremely perceptive person, you just got me in a nutshell. I had never realised how we can come to know people's characters so well from on here.

The trigger has been seeing a friend I worked with in C***t. I worked for them and took them to tribunal. I used to have to walk round the shop for hours on end, they wouldn't let me sit, my back was so sore I'd be up all night when I got home. Why didn't I realise something was wrong? If I'd known I'd never have done that job. 2 years damaging myself. That wasn't even the reason I shopped them.

annie_mial

Hello, honey. I've not been posting for long, but I have been reading this forum for a very long time and I know how much you have helped others here in the past.
How I wish I could rush over and give you a big hug; you see, it's not long since I was at that point, but I was the lucky one - I didn't have even half the responsibilities you do.
As others have said, you have every right to feel anger and that was the first question I was asked and I'm sure you must have been asked it in the past. My reply was 'no, I'm not angry, I'm BL**DY FURIOUS'. It took a very long time for me to admit to myself that I was depressed and an even longer time for me to actually do something about it; it also took them a long time to make me understand that I had to work through the anger to acceptance, and as someone has already said that is the hardest thing of all.
Why is it that this particular problem, above all, seems to carry with it such a deep feeling of failure? Like you, I have a shell - others see me as being something that really isn't me, and I think it is the cracking of the shell which is so hard to do. I can't believe how much my life has changed for the better since I managed to crack the shell open - at least for my immediate family - and in spite of my many problems for the first time in years I'm so much happier.
I'm sorry if you have heard all this before - you probably have, but I couldn't let such a cry for help go unanswered.
Love and hugs
Annie

elnafinn

Elna - I just burst out crying reading your post. Are you my Mum????? You are an extremely perceptive person, you just got me in a nutshell. I had never realised how we can come to know people's characters so well from on here.

Dear Alex

You made me well up. Aw, I hope I did not upset you with anything I said as that was most definitely the last thing on my mind to do? I have been on this forum quite some time now and do remember things...... sometimes. I expect I could be your mum, considering your age and mine. I would love to come and look after your little ones sometimes as I am sure your mum would too and I know she does do that or you take the kiddies there. I know you have a wonderful other half as well who thinks the world of you. There is no shame in admitting defeat sometimes. In actual fact it is good to do that, every so often, because it is a wakeup call to others, who may always, think, well, Alex is ok, she is always rushing around and does everything she copes so well, she is a marvel, etc, etc. Perhaps your mum and others know more about you than you think ? Unless, you are more honest on here, because this is a safe place as no one really knows who you are.

Here I go again, rambling on, like mum's do. Bless you Alex, you get that talking done with someone either via the gp or some other route.

You have had it really tough and there will always be hurdles. We all have them, but some have many more than others and some far too many. I admire you greatly.

Lots of love
Elna x(())

jackie1955

Dear Alex,

I am so sorry you are feeling so low today. But don't beat yourself up about it - you have every right to feel down sometimes!

I'm not going to write reams because you've already had loads of lovely replies giving help, support and advice. I just want to say "tomorrow is another day" and hopefully you will wake feeling more positive.

Hang on in there, Jackie x

eckstardeluxe

Thank you everyone. Honestly you don't know how much it means just to have someone to listen.

As some of you have mentioned I do need help. My problem is my Mum and sister whom I am extremely close to and love my kids to bits live over 70 miles away. I speak to them both everyday and when I took you lot's advice and spoke to my husband, he said he knows things are happening and triggering memories. He said he feels the same, he is constantly reminded of some one thing or event that could have made the problems worse. My parents, sister, brother and their families all went to Florida this week. We did this 11 of us before my illness. It is my illness that stopped us going this week. My husband thinks this is why I am down, because I felt we missed the trip because of me and because I can't speak to my family.

He is completely behind me with the case, the Union say because we have proof, we should get them for Delay in diagnosing reflux resulting in life saving surgery, causing the MRSA which in turn caused the Osteomyelitis and epidural abscess, failing to warn me I'd get arthur, believe it or not folks, since I was 12 I have never had one follow up, one xray or MRI, nothing until this happened, even though I had complained something was really wrong. They never ever looked back my records, even when I first went with these symptoms they told me I was wrong when I said what I'd had, they had to look it up to confirm it. Then they said "Xray, today" I was told 3 weeks for results but they phoned and told me to go to Hospital that day. I sit and think about how some OA cant be seen on xray and think, now how bad and obvious must that have been to be reacted to like that? So many things, I so need to get them out.

Don't think you are giving me advice I have already heard, I welcome everyone's views, I got through this once and I know I can again, from your support I am already starting to get that little bit of fighting spirit back.

xxx

lindalegs

Oh Alex

I'm so sorry you're feeling bad at the moment I know how you feel about the nappy business - when my son was little I used to cry quietly in bed every night because I knew I'd have to change his nappy at least once the following day when I was on my own and I knew what a battle it would be. At one point I wanted to pick up the phone and ring social services to take them into care because I felt I couldn't cope any longer.

It won't do him any harm running around nappy-less and at least he won't get nappy rash

The majority of us put on an act for the world too - we have to - especially when we don't want pity ....and I'm sure it makes us more positive wearing a smile instead of a frown.

As for resting more - it could be just what you need - don't be afraid of it - your body needs time to heal and cope with everything, mentally and physically. Rest, in moderation, is good and you may start to feel better if you allowed your body what it's crying out for.

You will get over this Alex and the physical problems you're having with your son will pass because everyday he grows and learns.

I sincerely hope you start to feel better, very soon.

Luv Legs XX

angel1

I won`t try to add anything to the excellent advice you`ve already been given Alex- although what I will do is offer you all my love.


However, speaking as a Counsellor, you absolutely have to arrange some therapy immediately. You already know that. You have said how much relief you feel just by posting on here. Imagine how you will feel to actually be able to speak these thoughts, own your fears, and, hopefully, be able to finally accept and grieve for the lost Alex, and embrace the new one. All of this, in a safe, non judgemental environment, where you will not be fearful of upsetting precious loved ones. You will work out a way to open up to those who mean the world to you, without losing your strength and your identity. You will Alex, I promise you.

Know that you are constantly in my thoughts, and if I can help in any way, please get in touch.....Much love......Ange.

chris7

Alex ( though we have chatted elsewhere I have only just learned your name)

So sorry to read this and as a relative newcomer I do not know your history in detail only what I have gleaned from the above in that you have been treated so badly in the past in regard to your health and are suffering terribly, physically and emotionally because of both this and work issues. I am sorry, but glad you felt able to spill your thoughts out here and that others that you know well can offer you some comfort in their messages. Your comment regarding triggered memories and use of the word tribunal makes my blood run cold. I am not sure of the etiquette here but would it be alright for me to send you a p.m.? Let me know when you can. In the meantime I sincerely hope you can find some of that fighting spirit.
Chris

annebr

Alex,

There is nothing that I can add that hasn't been said. You have always been there for me on my posts with a kind word and helpful advice. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you.

I do hope you get to see someone you can speak to soon.


Love Anne

woodbon

Hello, I've just read your post. I'm so very sorry you feel so bad at the moment. You do need to get some proper help, which you know already. I hope by telling us all this you have already started the process of getting better, next is to see your GP and a councillor.

I think that all of us act a bit to others, be the person we'd like to be and they would approve of, I know I do. As for the nappy, I expect your baby would rather stay without that. Its more for our sakes we bother about things like nappies at all!

I expect your o/h is right, if all your family are away and you are stuck at home, with no one to talk to and the feeling that your support system has gone, even if it is just for a while, can be frightening. Thats a natural and normal way to feel. I only have a sister now, and shes retired, which means they go away a lot, and I hate it and am always glad when she phones to say shes back.

I hope you feel better soon and get things sorted out. Take care, don't do too much. Lots of Love and a hug, Sue xxx

suncatcher

I just wanted to offer you my support and i hope you get the help you deserve. we all need help from out side from time to time get the help thats offered you. you will come out of it even stronger. Dont worry bout the nappy thing i had problems with all that and potty training was a night mare. take it one day at a time from joanne

maud48

Hello
Just want to say what lots of others have already said, you have been so wonderful , thoughtful and helpful to other people - now it is your turn to get a little of that back. I do hope it helps slightly.
Don't know if this would help and I don't know how old your little one is but what I found really good with my grandson was pull up nappies in a larger size than he needed - much easier to put on and he didn't need so much restraining. After a while he even learned to put them on himself. Might leak a bit if they're too big but better than nothing.

mistywillow

Hi Alex
I am so sorry you are feeling rock bottom at the moment. Maybe after all the years of accepting and struggling on with your illness uncomplaining, the reality of it has just hit you big time! You are having to relive it whilst going through the claim, only this time you know the outcome. No wonder you feel angry, because you feel it was preventable. As you read through it, you are reminded that at each stage something could have been done and yet nothing was. There must be so many different feelings running riot in your head, anger, sadness, bitterness, I am not surprised you you feel so low. I do think that counselling may help you work through those emotions. It is difficult enough dealing with the physical aspects of chronic pain without the added emotional turmoil that you have.
In the meantime, dont hide your feelings from those who love you. I am sure you have always been there for them. They would much rather be there to support you than have you pretend that everything is just fine.
I am sending you lots of love and cyber hugs and hope things start moving in a more positive direction for you soon.
Gillx

Wonkylegs

HI Alex,

I can't begin to understand completely how you feel right now with so much on your plate.

But what I CAN tell you is that often we spend so long imagining what people would think of us if we acted in such a way, or told them a certain things, that we sometimes do them a dis-service. If we can get the strength to be honest, then we can be surprised by the understanding and support that comes, sometimes from the most surprising of people.

I know this because, like you I tried to put on a brave face, and not let people know how I was really feeling. That was before I found this place and the wonderful people on here. I felt totally alone, and I totally fell to pieces. I cracked and had to admit I was not perfect. It felt awful, but I coped ...... with help from counselling and my GP & Hubby there to help.

The good that came from that is that in the end I had NO CHOICE but to tell people the truth, and their support and love overwhelmed me. I had to leave work, and I also had to admit that having a family was out of the question. They were tough times, but looking back they were the right things for me at that time. I couldn't have coped with this if the people around me hadn't been there to support me. They could only support me when they knew what my problems were.

I am tons better than I was, and hope never to get back to that really low point, but it is always there in the back of my mind. However, this time I know that I will be able to be more honest with myself, and others, about how I am truly feeling.

I don't know all the ins and outs of your circumstances, if any of this can help you look at things in a more positive way , but I wanted you to know someone else has been really low, and has got through that really tough time when there seemed no hope.

Your little ones love you whether or not they have a nappy on,. They love their mum ...... and they need youtoo.

sending you lots and lots of hugs and will be thinking of you
Wonky xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

topgirl

Oh Eck.....
I feel for you......
I really dont know what to say to try and make you feel a bit better.....
My thoughts are with you and im always here for you if you need a chat ( or a giggle :shock: )
There must be something in the air this week as i broke down at the Rumy's and weds was my birthday. Usually i go out but because of pain with walking i got a takeaway...I was sat there thinking about how much my life as changed....and went to bed!..left all my family downstairs...
xx

elnafinn

How is our Alex this morning? I bet you can guess which thread I went to immediately, as I logged on here. ()

Thank you for sharing with us yesterday and I sincerely hope that this morning, the start of a new week, you are feeling a little more like your "old self" now that a few things are more sorted in your mind as to the next step to take.

I do hope you call in today, Alex,

Love
Elna x()

eckstardeluxe

chris7 wrote:

Alex ( though we have chatted elsewhere I have only just learned your name)

So sorry to read this and as a relative newcomer I do not know your history in detail only what I have gleaned from the above in that you have been treated so badly in the past in regard to your health and are suffering terribly, physically and emotionally because of both this and work issues. I am sorry, but glad you felt able to spill your thoughts out here and that others that you know well can offer you some comfort in their messages. Your comment regarding triggered memories and use of the word tribunal makes my blood run cold. I am not sure of the etiquette here but would it be alright for me to send you a p.m.? Let me know when you can. In the meantime I sincerely hope you can find some of that fighting spirit.
Chris

Hi Chris, yes this is fine. Lots of people do, no problem. And thanks everyone, I am a bit better this morning, my hubby is off for the holiday here, we had some talk this morning and he thinks as well, the yo yo eating needs to be addressed, I have been saying it a while but need help. He's going to help me get back on track as everything seems to be far more painful when I go over a certain weight!

eckstardeluxe

maud48 wrote:

Hello
Just want to say what lots of others have already said, you have been so wonderful , thoughtful and helpful to other people - now it is your turn to get a little of that back. I do hope it helps slightly.
Don't know if this would help and I don't know how old your little one is but what I found really good with my grandson was pull up nappies in a larger size than he needed - much easier to put on and he didn't need so much restraining. After a while he even learned to put them on himself. Might leak a bit if they're too big but better than nothing.

That is an excellent truly "Grandmotherly Sensisbile" and simple idea!! I will do this today!!!

eckstardeluxe

mistywillow wrote:

Hi Alex
I am so sorry you are feeling rock bottom at the moment. Maybe after all the years of accepting and struggling on with your illness uncomplaining, the reality of it has just hit you big time! You are having to relive it whilst going through the claim, only this time you know the outcome. No wonder you feel angry, because you feel it was preventable. As you read through it, you are reminded that at each stage something could have been done and yet nothing was. There must be so many different feelings running riot in your head, anger, sadness, bitterness, I am not surprised you you feel so low. I do think that counselling may help you work through those emotions. It is difficult enough dealing with the physical aspects of chronic pain without the added emotional turmoil that you have.
In the meantime, dont hide your feelings from those who love you. I am sure you have always been there for them. They would much rather be there to support you than have you pretend that everything is just fine.
I am sending you lots of love and cyber hugs and hope things start moving in a more positive direction for you soon.
Gillx

Hi Gill, another good post. Like Elna and Angel you both have seen this in a very out the box way. Everyone else - Wonderful, Caring Replies!! I am thinking this every step of the way, it's like you can read my mind. But again I re-iterate everyone is helping me Just incase someone thought I was being preferential there. I'm not

joyful164

Dear Alex
I have read your message time and time again and then understood how you were able to come back time and time again to be there for everybody else. I just don't know what I can say, because I don't know the deep down issues that have cemented their way into your life which have made you the strong person you have become. Unfortunately for you, that cement must crack at some point and obviously that time has come now.
I would like to be able and I'm sure all your friends would like to seal those cracks up for you. I would really deep down like to make everything alright for you and I can feel the anguish in your message.
Having woken to another beginning of another week, I hope you can face it a little stronger knowing that we are allhere for you.
I wish I had known you a lot longer, but you have always helped me in the short time I have been on this forum
Love
from joy