Are these real friends?

julie16

Hi,

Has anyone revaluated their friendships since not being able to do the same things as before having arthritis?

I've been part of a group of friends that I've known since our oldest children we're born (about 7 years). I've been feeling a bit taken for granted for quite a while but more so since I've been suffering from Arthritis.

for example, they plan things which are difficult for me, ie all taking our children ice skating which, although my arthritis isn't as bad as some, would still not be easy for me to do. Another was planning a long walk in the countryside which I would struggle to do. We used to meet up at each other house about once a month but because I lived too far to walk (about 3 miles in dark country lanes) I would usually drive to their houses and give them a lift home afterwards and, before I started to feel a bit used, would go around and pick them up on the way. But nobody else would ever drive as they are all in walking distance to each other which was fair enough but they'd all hang around for a lift from me afterwards.

We go camping a lot as a group but this year they've picked sites that are nearly 3 hours driving away which I can't do. Nobody was interested in going to any of the sites that I mentioned when we got together to plan them.

There's other things but I don't want to bore you!

Any thought would be appreciated.

Thanks

Julie

annebr

Julie,

I started nearly an identical thread not long ago. You really do find out who your real friends are and it is usually the unexpected. When I told a close friend about my diagnosis her words were 'get over it'. I was so hurt as I had been there for her through everything, when she was in hospital the birth of her children.

The only thing I found was that kindness came in the most unexpected places and people.

There was a letter on the forum ages ago that summed up living with arthritis that you could give to friends and family, I am sure someone else will rememember it and point you in the right direction.

Not sure if I have been any help but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone.

Anne x

trisher

Hi Julie

I had some friends and we went everywhere together. Then I went into hospital, they came to visit quite a lot. The longer I was in hospital the visits became rarer.

I was in there 11 months. I had surgery which left me disabled. When I went home they came to see me, they planned outings which were impossible for me to go.

I felt hurt, leftout every emotion that you feel. They did visit and used to tell me all about where they had been, what they did.

One day I decided to test the water and suggested we went somewhere, that I could do which would be hard for them. One by one they phoned and said they could not go.

That was the day that I sadly said goodbye to them.

You have a choice to stay friends with them and do or try to do what they are doing and make yourself bad, or to test the water and suggest an outing which you could do without harm to yourself.

It could be that they just do not think as to how difficult outings are for you now and do'nt stop to ask before they plan. Have you exlained to them that certain activitie you are finding hard to do now or how painful it is.

You could also leave booklets in the car, in your house, forget to take one home when you visit in hope they read them.
g
I hope this is useful to you.

Love Trisher xxx

mistywillow

Hi Julie
Forgive me if you have already said this, as I haven't been able to be on the site much this week, but have you actually spelt it out to your friends what your arthritis means you can and can't do? Sometimes we think that our friends and familiy just automatically understand what we are going through and I know I have said it before (boring :shock: sorry) but it is so hard for people to even begin to know what it feels like to be in constant pain if they don't have any themselves. Also there are degrees of arthritis, it is such a blanket term. Some use it to describe a slight vague ache they might get as they age others are wheelchair bound and completely incapacitated by it. So if you haven't done this, invite them over for coffee and just tell them as it is! How i actually is for you. It may well be that some of them are only fair weather friends, but you never know, you may be pleasantly surprised!
I hope you are.
Gillx

Hi Trisher
How are things are you ok?
xx

hileena111

That is why I find this forum so useful {I know I've been absent for a while} :oops: But even our other half doesnt really understand....you can have the kindest most helpful husband/parents but if they have never had arthur they just dont understand.
As for acquaintances.......a lot of them think..Oh its a twinge...get over it!! Do you have a local arthritis group. I go to mine and when you are with like minded people it makes a difference......you know any trips that you go on with them will be OK because they wont be far etc. Its worht a thought if you dont go. They are all ages at our group

Hileena

elnafinn

If you google "But you don't look sick - the spoon theory" you may find this a useful way to explain to family and friends how it is for you, everyday, most days or some days.

Luv
Elna x

dutchess

I definately think I've found out who my real friends are during this whole disease process. I've been having so many flare ups lately and having to cancel things. Good friends understand. Ones that don't I just think stuff them now I'll focus my energy on getting myself well, my family and true friends. The only other thing is communication is key. I just try to be open and honest with my friends about my situation. I've found my good friends to be really understanding and supportive. I can understand your difficulty though with children being involved and them wanting to see their friends and then the choice of activities. Hope everything works out well for you.
Take care
Luv Kelly

maud48

Elna that spoon theory is amazing.
It's so difficult with friends as you don't want to be seen as depressing by talking about yourself and your problems.
My problem is made worse by having a hyperactive 4 year old as well as arthur, it's amazing how everyone I thought of as friends has just disappeared. Also quite scarey as it would be nice to think there was one person I could call on in an emergency.
Perhaps they should all get arthur and it would make them much nicer people, like the ones in this group, as maybe having to face up to your own limitations makes you more aware of other people's.
Wouldn't it be great if everyone in the group lived in the same street
maudxx

woodbon

Hi, I moved to Norfolk from Oxford about 15 years ago. I made a few friends with my work mates, but since I've been retired sick, (not my choice), I've not heard form anyone, no-one even said goodbye. Yet friends I had in Oxford still keep in touch, are concerned and write, ring etc. One friend in particular, when I go to Oxford always makes sure she sees me, either popping in or inviting me up their, she understands how hard it is fitting in all the people I want to visit, keeps me up-to-to-date with gossip about people we both know. Its just like I'd not been away, we just pick up where we left off.

I do feel sorry that everyone I knew in Norfolk just dropped me and I have tried getting in touch, but everyone seems to have just shut me out. Its hurtful, but you get used to it. I suppose living in Oxford, theirs a lot of comming and going with visiting academics and students. People say Oxford is an unfiendly place, they should try living here! :shock: I don't think its arthritis, but maybe people I worked with think I'm lucky to have been retired early or something. When I first started there a girl with fibromyligia was off long term sick and then retired and there was a lot of back-biting about her, because she 'looked well' . I didn't think she did.
Always tired, pale, thin and weepy. Sorry didn't mean to go on!

Love Sue

ritwren

Julie you most certainly are not alone in this. I too have found out who my real friends are and I've had some nice and not so nice surprises. The longer an illness lasts the less interested "friends"seem to be sometimes. Also I've found the less likely some people are to offer to help with things.
It has opened my eyes and I feel I have lost a friend that I thought I had for over 30 years. There is no doubt but that this person knows how unwell I've been and that I've been in hospital and pretty much house boundas we were emailing off and on up until a few weeks ago when I said I could'nt believe how long it was since we'd actually met up, over 6 months. Since I'be been unwell :roll: I've not been able to go into town like I use to to meet for lunch. I dared to suggest they came to my home for dinner and a catch up visit but I've not heard anything since. It is really sad.
rita

julie16

Thank you for all your replies - what a caring lot you are

A lot of what you've said has rang bells with me. When I was first diagnosed there was a lot of interest but it gradually become less and less to the extend now that people just act like there's nothing wrong with me. Some of you have asked if I've explained to them how it is for me as maybe they don't understand the limitations that I suffer. I do honestly believe that they know how it is for me because of what I've said, ie things like having to cut down on driving because it can become painful, then been asked for a lift from someone who has their own car but isn't keen of driving. I think they do know what it's like for me but don't want to have to alter their lives to accomodate me.

Sorry to sound like a moaner but this has really got me down as I've always been a person that's helped other people and feel so let down now.

Julie

annebr

Julie,

You certainly are not moaning. It's hard enough trying to adjust to having arthritis and the changes you have to make in your life without having to accomodate and help others who aren't understanding.

I had the same problem as someone earlier posted my good friend who told me to 'get over it' after was diagnosed I hadn't seen for over a year, although we stay about 15mins apart by car. I had been in hospital 3 times and she didn't even know. When I told her this we did meet up and we had a nice afternoon but she doesn't want to know about my illness. She asks how I am but I know she doesn't want details.

Sorry I was ranting again. One thing I can say it that I have received an enormous amount of help, support and advice from this website and everyone who uses it.

Anne

woodbon

I ranted on earlier, since then I've thought about it a bit more.

Some people are the sort that are always their if you have problems, others are only there to share the good times. Problems like ill health frighten them and they can't cope, others want to help and share the problems.

I think I must have either had too much to drink, or not enough, writting this!!! Love Sue

ifeelninety

Julie,

You have my sympathies - I too have young kids , and it is really hard, wanting to do things with them but being unable to or being limited to what you can actually do. I have a few fair weather friends and relatives too and it drives me mad ( and my hubby) one sil keeps saying 'oh have you got a sore leg again when will it get better?' :roll: I have explained till I am blue in the face that I have RA but think they either dont care or dont listen. On the plus side the ones that do understand are great - offering to take my kids for a few hours to give me a break or picking them me up if I cant drive. I try and be positive but feel I spend my life moaning about how cr*p I feel but the real friends will listen give a bit of sympathy and help where they can. If we arrange something that I dont think I could do, I tell them why and make another suggestion - soft play was always a favorite, kids play we sit and blether.

Over the years I have realised life is too short to spend time with friends that dont really care about you - so maybe even tell them all together exactlly what you arthritis means and if they change great, and if they dont - are they the type of friends you want to have till you are old and grey?

lesleygraham

Hi folks
I have had RA for 5 years and the few friends I had never bother now. Because I ran around after them and was forever doing for them I suppose now I am no use to them. Like many on here, I get the occasional 'how are you' but you know they're not really interested in the answer, especially if you are not well. Don't know why they asked in the first place really!!!
Most of my family are the same. My mother dosen't bother with me and if I see her she NEVER asks how I am or offers assistance or makes allowances. She has never offered to help with the children (one disabled) or housework and never shows the slightest hint that she actually cares. Luckily my dad and his wife are the opposite - they'd go to the moon and back if I asked them.
Anyway, rant over.
Appriciate those who really care.
Les

elnafinn

During my journey through life I have noticed that most people are very self centred and don't listen because they just love to hear the sound of their own voice. I find it very interesting at times. I just stand back and listen, sometimes in amazement, to them going on and on and think to myself how lucky I am that I am me. I carry on regardless, helping others and get real pleasure out of it. No one has many real, true friends and I cherish the very few that I have but I am still there for others, if they accept my help, unless they take me for a ride and then that is that. Life is too short. I am rarely bitter about anything. It does not do one any good at all.

Hope you all have a good day.

Luv
Elna x

mrsdalloway

Hi I am really glad you started this thread as I thought it was just me! Reading all the replies has made me a feel a lot better and that maybe it isn't just me who seems to have 'lost' people along the way. I don't think it helps that on tv and films they show women as being really supportive and helpful to one another and in reality that is rarely the case. I am just so glad that I can come on here and have a rant or a moan at anytime of day and there is always someone to listen or offer advice. So thank you ladies and gents. x

trisher

Hi Julie

Would you mind letting us know what happens if you don;t mind. If you use the spoon theory, only if you feel able.

I wish I had known about it. Elna, where do you get all your information from???

love trisher xxx

elnafinn

Dear Trisher,

I have been on this site a few years now and stored away information that has been given along the way! There is another one too, if you google "a letter for family and friends what RA is like".

I do not print either of these out on this site because of copyright issues and all that and there has been a problem in the past on this forum when people have copied and pasted information but omitted to add who the author was.

It is easy enough to google, if one is interested, so I prefer to let others know that way, when a thread appears where it may be of benefit to others.

I so hope you are keeping ok with all that is going on with yourself and your dear husband at this time. We do find that inner strength along with support from others though, don't we? Goodness knows where it comes from.

Lots of love
Elna x (())

stralachlan

This thread does strike a chord, I've noticed I have 'friends' who refuse to slow their walking pace if going somewhere, or suggest a walk as a nice thing to do, even though they know I'm having problems.

I cycle 2 miles to work as it hurts less than walking the 300yds from the back of the car park, and then use the lift rather than the stairs. That gets some odd looks & comments - one of which had me in tears as it caught me on a very frustrating day.

I've decided to talk about it, to my friends and work colleagues, and explained why I can do some things (cycling = no impact and no body weight on my knee) and not others (stairs = knee jamming & falling flat on my face). And they know I'm constantly on pain killers now. That seemed to get through eventually, and its made things more positive for me.

theresa4

HI all
Having RA has made me look at my life and what I can and cant do (still learning to deal with that). One of my oldest friends from high school who has had her share of heartache and distress is no longer speaking to me because I am not there for her and havent been for over 3 years. Even though she knows hopw bad my RA has affected me she feels I have let her down in key moments of her life (not that I remmeber ever letting her down without good reason) When my RA started it would flare and die at present it seems in constant flare the only time I rememebr letting her down was because I was in flare but in her opinion I have only been really bad the last 18 months which is after this let down period. Her counsellor told her to let it all out in a letter to her so called friends and write she did. It almost destroyed me to hear a **** of abuse in an email from what I considered my best friend. I tried to say I would not let her down if I had not been ill but she sent yet another abusive email which left me in tears. At first I felt that my RA had lost me a friendship but I realise now that sometimes people are in your life for a reason or season and it was obviously time for ours to end. It still hurts but I refuse to take the blame and now I can see how she has not really been supportive telling me about other people who manage to do things with RA and work and have a life and dont complain and maybe my pain threshold is low. Up until my mobility leaving me unable to walk or dress myself I still kept going and I am on a reprive at the mo while I have had a depo I think in my rambling what I am trying to say is that some friends are not there for the long haul and our needs change as do our personalities. I am unable to do all the things for my friends that I used to do but am happy to listen over the phone if its not good enough then its doen I have several good friends who understand and accept my limitations and support me if I need it sometimes its not as reciprocal as I would like but they know if I can I will! Enjoy positive relationships and leave the negative ones to one side. Every now and again we clear out our closet every now and again we need to clear the deadwood friends we have accumulated.
Much love to all x

mrsdalloway

OMG Theresa that is awful! From reading that this woman has no conscience or understanding of others at all! Thank goodness she is in counselling although I don't think it is working and if she was paying for it, I would want a refund! One comeback I have always felt like saying (but have resisted the temptation!) is that when so called 'friends' have a go is 'my painkillers will kick in and my pain will go but you will always be a selfish cow!'.

Like you say once you have cleared the deadwood away you have a better idea of the quality friends left behind.x

tkachev

Phew!
I think we ve all been there in some shape or form.Many years ago,after my divorce,I took my friends out,driving,picking them up and home again(many times a hundred miles out of my way),never asked for a penny in petrol,just enjoying their friendship and company.I thought that when my time comes to ask for help they will remember this and be there for me.
How wrong you can be.
Anyway I moved on reasoning that one day they may realise how bad life can be,some will get ill themselves,have awful situations to deal with and then they might reflect back.
And I have also made some wonderful new friends over the years,usually people in a similar position.And they are the best...
Take care Tkachev

mellman01

I must say I have also been surprised and sometimes shocked and hurt by the reactions and attitudes of some of my so called friends since I was diagnosed with OA.
One last thing I remember reading a story about the late John Wayne, he gave one of his sons this bit of advice when he was ill with cancer, if you end up with 5 good trustworthy friends at the end of your days then you have done well, as most will let you down normally just when you need them the most.

julie16

Wow, what a lot of responses!. And I thought it was just me that had noticed a difference since being diagnosed with arthritis.

It certainly takes something like Arthritis to rethink things and to find out who your friends are. I've alway done favours for people and put them first but since arthur I've realised that I can't do that anymore which has made me see that these others haven't done a great deal in return even before I was diagnosed. I've been feeling taken for granted for quite a while but have realised that these aren't true friends so I'm not going to waste my time with them anymore, instead make friends with people who can understand give and take!