Maud is moaning

maud48

Hi It's Maud here, having a bad day and all my positive thoughts have disappeared.
In a nutshell - it's a school inset day so my grandson is home and I am feeling too bad today to look after him so that means my OH had to take the day off.
Picture the scene - him angry with me for my demands on him. He's not the sort of person who accepts weakness in himself or others and I'm sure he feels if I made an effort I would be OK.
He's trying to work at home, hyperactive grandson bouncing off the walls.
Tried to talk to him and got - I've got work to do, which I can't do because of you, child to look after because of you, can't put up with your self centred moaning as well. So I'm hiding in the bedroom.
I know he's stressed as well and has to do such a lot as I can't do it but the problem is he won't accept there is a problem so we lurch from one crisis to the next.
Not sure how long this can go on, it's 4 years till he retires which seems like a lifetime.
But there's no choice - no-one else is available to help or look after our grandson and I feel like the most evil witch to even feel like I would be better off without a child who I love dearly and who thinks I am his mummy.
Also the old guilt has come back. I feel like I'm no use to him or anyone else and that I really need to pull myself together.
I know no-one can help but it helps me to know there is someone out there who will listen. (Elna I threw all my spoons at him but it didn't help!)
maudxxx

skezier

Hi Maud,

I am not sure what I can say to you to help but its not so easy to 'just' pull your self together........I wish it were! We understand that here and when you feel unwell you always go to the guilt trip (or I do anyway). I just want to say your not useless your unwell and having a bad day. I really hope you soon feel better and I wish I could help you, or say something that would but I do understand. ((( ))) Luv Cris x

kathbee

Hello Maud

Just to say that I really feel for you, no wonder you dont have any positive thoughts right now.

I now how hard it is to look after a grandchild when you are not well.
My husband and myself had our grand-daughter although only for 1 year, but in our 60's it felt like it took a lot of energy.

Not having any support must feel terrible for you.

However, you cannot just pull yourself together, no-one can.
If you could stop feeling guilty it would help of course, you arent to blame, but its not easy.

Does your grandson have any friends that would help you out when these inset days come up? Maybe you could arrange a play date with one of them next time. I remember my grand-daughter's friends mums were happy to help out and they understood that I couldnt do the same for them because of my age and illness.

I really do hope things work out for the better.

Take care
Kath

elnafinn

Dear Maud

I am so sorry to read your posting. I am the person outside looking in and I can see why your husband is feeling how he is and I can also well understand how you are feeling too. There is no solution at the moment, that I can see, for the time being and this is what is so sad and frustrating about the whole situation you three are in, unless perhaps you pay someone to come in to help you with your grandson.

Never say you are not of use to anyone, Maud. You are and you do know that deep down. Of course you are. You are special to some, you must never lose sight of that.

Hey ho, so the spoon theory did not work - well I suppose it would not if your husband had to take another day off and stay home. Does not lend to happy relationships does it? My heart goes out to you. I don't suppose if you google "a letter for family and friends what RA is like" would help one iota either but it may help you a little. I am aware that you have OA, like me but after all it all comes under the umbrella of arthritis.

I send you lots of love and strength to get through this day.
Let's hope later today and tomorrow goes much better for you and that all gets calmer in the household very soon.

Elna x

maud48

Thank you Cris Kath and Elna
I'm feeling like the most terrible wimp at the moment.
It's really just a combination of everything.
As we've moved so much because of my OH's job (last count we'd lived in 25 different houses in 7 different countries) we don't have any support network. I have one or two friends nearby but most disappeared when I lost my job 3 years ago and there isn't anyone who is able or willing to help. Plus my grandson has behavioural and developmental problems and is extremely difficult to manage so wouldn’t feel good about asking anyone to look after him, even if I felt there was anyone willing which I don’t.
We know a few other parents from his nursery but I find being so much older than them makes it difficult to socialise with them.
We did try when his nursery had a week’s holiday to find someone who would look after him if we paid them (can’t afford it but were desperate). They told us no-one was prepared to as no-one would be able to manage him alone.
I can believe it – when he went into school for a trial day he knocked his teacher over. He’s not bad just has so many problems and I know he tries hard to behave and doesn’t want to be like it.
It’s like – I could cope with my grandson if it wasn’t for my health and I could cope with my health if it wasn’t for my grandson.
Sorry this all seems so negative it’s all seeming a bit overwhelming at the moment,
Stop press: grandson has just pulled curtain down and broken the rail so OH and grandson off to try to buy a new one.
maudxx

tkachev

Hi Maud
I have been in this position trying to deal with R.A and my autistic son,day after day after day.He needs a lot of supervision.My partner would find it all too much and retire off to his bed!


I dont think partners understand.And they are frustrated because their lives are affected too.It is no good him being at home if he is not going to help you really.But he is there as a safety net.
You really need a club for your son to go to.But I do know that is really hard to find.If he went to a Playscheme hed need extra care,maybe 1-1. Lately the playschemes have increased round here in Middlesex.For example in the Summer my son spent 3 days a week for 5 weeks at a playscheme.I booked him in because I had my THR in July and I thought my partner would go mental with stress,plus I didnt trust him to look after him well enough.
You do reallly need some additional help,not because you are hopeless but because you have special circumstances and it is really too much for anybody to deal with.
Tkachev

woodbon

Hello,
I'm so sorry, it must tear you apart trying to keep you husband and grandson happy. If your Gradson is having problems at school as well, have you got a social worker to help. I just wondered if you could get some respite care or home care of some sort to help you through, having your illness should qualify you for some sort of help. I know here in Norfolk they are starting a scheme of care workers to go in and help families with problems. Its supposed to be part of the keeping families together scheme.

Could you ring Social Services just to find out what help is availabe?
I wish I could say something more helpful for you.
Love Sue

skezier

Hi Maud,

I so wish I could help you here. I agree friends disappear at 100 mph as soon as you get ill but I am very emotional my self at the moment so am feeling worse.

On a good day you cope with your health and your grandson but your not so well at the moment and as we do we think we can't cope. I know its not the same, and I honestly know its not cus we are two different people but deep inside me I seem to have the strength to cope. Sometimes that strength takes a break but it will come back. I so wish I knew what to say and could help you. You have had some good advice from the others and all I can offer is support and a promise I really do know where your coming from, though for me its for very different reasons I know.

I really hope you can get some help as Sue said and I so wish I was able to actually physically help you but all I can do is send you a cyber hug and borrow some of our strength cus collectively we are very strong indeed. ((( ))) and Luv Cris xx

maud48

Tkachev how old is your son? I remember you said in an earlier post that things were better now for you and hope they still are. It's relentless isn't it, constant supervision and not a moment to relax.
You go out or go on holiday and it's such an effort and so difficult when you get there that you can end not wanting to do anything.
I'm just too old and unwell to chase a very big, fast 4 year old around. I could do it if I hadn't got arthur or was younger. I can’t take him out of the house now as he’s too big for his pushchair and runs away without it. It’s a miracle he hasn’t had an accident yet by running across the road as I can’t catch him. I've looked after 7 children and home schooled them in some of the remotest parts of Africa and it was a doddle compared with this.
My partner does a lot when he's around; it's just that he can't be there all the time. We do have after school club and holiday play schemes that grandson goes to but unfortunately his school has decided to have different inset days to all the others round here so they don't run then.
Sue I've contacted social services so many times I can't remember how many. They are totally unhelpful, last time I saw them they told me they would have to take him into care if I couldn't manage. Even saw our MP and got him to write to them but that didn't help.
Have contacted carers' organisations, doctors, health visitors everyone I can possibly find. Everyone is very sympathetic but can't offer any help.
I think it would be different if we lived in a big city but living in a small town in a remote area of Wales there just doesn't seem to be anything.
It's very frightening - if one or both of us cracks up then he goes into care,
maudxx

kathbee

Maud I so wish I could help you
even to be able to say something which would be of help to you.
But I feel at a loss.

My friend's daughter has a son with ADHD and he has been
on Ritalin for a few years now, so I know how things have been for her.
She is a single parent to make matters worse, but of course
she is healthy so thats a big difference there.

My heart goes right out to you.

I think its dreadful that Social Services can even call themselves
that when all they can say is that your little one will be taken into care, where is the help we all pay for, its disgusting.

What does your GP surgery offer - anything?
Oh its just so frustrating, sorry I dont feel I am of any help whatsoever, but just to say I am thinking of you.

Hope that tomorrow is a better day for you.

Kath

debatat

Maud, I can imagine how exhausting it is looking after your grandson when you are not well. I am so grateful my children are older, now that I am ill. We just about muddle through now. You have my sympathies, it is a tricky age.

I am not suprised to find there are not any facilities for you, I hear that a lot from parents of children with special needs.

I hope you manage to get through today and can put your feet up and recharge later.

Take care

Deb x

tkachev

Hi Maud
My son is 10 now.He was in nappies until last summer(as was his sister who was 4 and has an impacted bowel).
The early days were the worst as there just didnt seem to be a enough care around and family didnt seem to appreciate how difficult things could be.
He is stronger now but has a better understanding of the world around him.He also loves the computer and will spend hours with his ear phones on.I know that is not good but it gives me a much needed respite.
My older son is higher functioning autistic(11) but,apart from organisational skills,his is doing very well.
Like you I could cope without arthritis or with arthur and no special needs.The two together dont mix.It doesnt surprise me that social services have threatened to take him into care if you ask for help.On the other hand a friend with autistic children had a breakdown and she got tons of help!
Take care Tkachev

frogmorton

Hi Maud
Poor Maud - she isn't really moaning and if she is she has a lot to moan about!
You have done it you know - you have got through the day - he would have been back from school by now and you only have to get through the evening.
I do hope you sleep well and that relations between you and hubby improve once your Grandson is in bed.
You take care
Thinking of you - not much help but I am!
Love
Toni x

sharmaine

Hi Maud
I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. Could you take your husband along to the doctors when you go next? He may then appreciate just what you're going through. This condition is so painful and it tends to take over your life and your conversations! Thankfully my OH is quite understanding and tends to take the michael out of me if I go on too much about it. When I'm in real agony I go very quiet and he is quick to come to my side.

I think we understand where you're coming from with regards to the disabling effects and pain involved with arthur.

Take care and I hope you feel better soon. I'm sending you lots of sympathy and cyber hugs.

With warmest regars
Sharmaine