Upset

tkachev

I dont usually get upset(well not since the pain of R.A has reduced) but today my daughter has reduced me to tears.She is only 6 but is really willful and moody.
Yesterday I put on a lovely party for her and her friends at Heathrow Gym club.
Today she is shouting and throwing things at me and has even hit me. I cannot pick her up to put her on a naughty step,instead I took the lead away from the laptop so she couldnt use it.The OH has taken one son out so it is just me coping with it all.
Thankfully my older daughter is coming to stay tomorrow(havent seen her since July)and she is very strict,having trained as a teaching assistant and she will not allow my daughter to behave like this.
My daughter suffers from dreadful stomach problems so I expect that makes her moody and I make allowances.Unfortunately she wont take her medicine because she doesnt like it.The GP prescribed chocolate flavour movicol but she wont take that either.
I know she is only six and I shouldnt let her get to me but I hate these confrontations.
Thanks for listening
Tkachev(Elizabeth)

valval

how awfull for u to have to cope with this it prob all the excitment that has her all out of sorts my gp used to give me this horrid med and hated it was orange fl. can not stand orange pop to this day then a mint one which was worse lol so feel for her. but that said u r her mum and she should respect u for who u r and remember u r not well either at six she is old enough to think of others as well try to distact her and do something u will both enjoy good luck take care

mellman01

Hi Elizabeth sounds like you have your hands full down there, have you had a look on the web to see if there are other stomach meds aimed at kids out there?, I imagine the problem with your little lass is blockage due to the prescribing of Movicol am I right?..
And if you haven’t done so already be sneaky and get here interested in some other chocolate drinks like milk shakes and see if you can slip it in without her knowing.
Hope you get things sorted soon.

lindalegs

Hi Elizabeth,

This is really difficult for you, I know.

One word of warning is that you must have your own way for punishing your daughter and not rely on your older daughter or husband. If she knows she can get the upper hand of you when you're on your own with her then she'll only get worse. She must have a consequence to her behaviour and the lead to the computer is a good one, she might be a little old for the naughty step especially as you haven't the physical energy to keep putting her back on it. With my boys immediate confiscation of a favourite 'whatever' worked quite well as they got older.

I do sympathise with her poorly tummy and she's probably still tired from all the excitement of yesterday - but you're her Mum and she must respect that.

Hope this helps you in a tricky situation.

Luv Legs

skezier

Hi Elizabeth,

I really am sorry you are having a bad day there. I think you probably have a combination of things today. The disagreement with your OH, overdoing it yesterday and being maybe more tired and achy than you normally do and obviously your daughter acting up. I wasn't able to have kids so I only know about them cus I looked after a few and if they can walk over you they do. I agree with Legs that you do have to find away of making her know you are the adult. Its good that you will have your older daughter home tomorrow but you do still need to get the younger one to realise you are the adult.

Is there anyway you can just sit quietly and ignore her for a min? You have done the right thing in confiscating the laptop but may be she is after attention? I don't know its just some behaviour does seem to be attention based but having not had my own may mean I haven't a clue as a short term in charge is very different.

I am sending you a ((( ))) and really hope you are feeling better now? Just take a bit of time for your self and I hope your daughter soon comes round and calms down. Luv Cris x

debatat

Sending you a ((( ))), I know how difficult it is trying to manage everything when you are ill.

Deb x

maud48

Hi Elizabeth
I'm so sorry things are hard for you just now. Children can be so difficult sometimes and I know you have an awful lot to cope with at the best of times. It's good that your older daughter is coming to help you out and I really hope things improve soon,
Can't offer any advice (I'm sure you know all the answers anyway) but loads of sympathy,
maudxxxx

tkachev

Thankyou all for responding.I dont feel so alone now.
I did indeed pop off for a slice of cake and a cuppa.My daughter upsets me so much I have to walk away.She probably is looking for attention as she is in the shadow of her autistic brother and her other brother has massive anger management problems.


THe OH has never really disciplined the children and so I lost control a long time ago,being far too ill to do so myself.
My daughter does indeed have a blockage.The consultant says it will need to be surgically removed if the medication doesnt work.She sits in the GP room being as good as gold,she will eat this,she will take that but once home her good intentions are out of the window.But she is in lots of pain and hates going to school because of these symptoms.She needs to be changed a lot at school which she finds embarrassing!
What you said, LindaLegs, about my older daughter is interesting.I have never thought of that before.I love her to visit cos I know Lucy will not get away with her behaviour.And my older daughter never gives in.She is consistent and calm.I do not see her often, she lives away so I dont rely on her and she has been unwell herself.It is just nice to have the company and a little bit of help.
Many thanks to all of you and it was nice to hear from a fella too(thanks Mellman).I always value your opinions.

Tkachev(Elizabeth)

elnafinn

Dear Elizabeth

Do you know, it is really nice to know your name! More personal than TK. I am so sorry to hear about the saga this morning with your daughter. It is very difficult being a parent at the best of times and you really do have such a great deal to contend with, all round and your children do too. I think you do amazingly well from what you tell us in postings. I remember arguments with my children and it is a horrible feeling. We have to let them know in no uncertain terms who is the boss but it is difficult. I used to sometimes have to walk away too. You are not alone in how you were feeling. No mum wants to be very angry with their children. I say, "were" because I so hope that you feel more calm now. You must feel that you are being pulled one way and then the other most of the time, trying to equal out attention and affection to one and all and this is often impossible and very, wearing. You have yourself to look after too and it must be very upsetting to feel the OH is not always helping enough and supporting you with bringing up the children.

At least you have something to look forward to - seeing your older daughter tomorrow. You obvously get on very well and that is good. You will be able to have a good old natter and problems shared are problems halved even if there is no immediate solution.

Chin up, Elizabeth, you are doing well, keep thinking of tomorrow.

Love
Elna x

lindalegs

tkachev wrote:

Thankyou all for responding.I dont feel so alone now.
I did indeed pop off for a slice of cake and a cuppa.My daughter upsets me so much I have to walk away.She probably is looking for attention as she is in the shadow of her autistic brother and her other brother has massive anger management problems.
The OH is incredibly laid back but gets strange every so often,so that everything I say or do is wrong,even walking away and not saying anything he thinks I have said something so I cant win there.
He has never really disciplined the children and so I lost control a long time ago,being far too ill to do so myself.
My daughter does indeed have a blockage.The consultant says it will need to be surgically removed if the medication doesnt work.She sits in the GP room being as good as gold,she will eat this,she will take that but once home her good intentions are out of the window.But she is in lots of pain and hates going to school because of these symptoms.She needs to be changed a lot at school which she finds embarrassing!
What you said, LindaLegs, about my older daughter is interesting.I have never thought of that before.I love her to visit cos I know Lucy will not get away with her behaviour.And my older daughter never gives in.She is consistent and calm.I do not see her often, she lives away so I dont rely on her and she has been unwell herself.It is just nice to have the company and a little bit of help.
Many thanks to all of you and it was nice to hear from a fella too(thanks Mellman).I always value your opinions.

Tkachev(Elizabeth)

Hi again Elizabeth,

You do sound alot calmer now so I hope you're not still upset.

Just to add - could you have a word with your older daughter and ask her advice on how to cope. She's obviously been trained in how to deal with difficult children and I'm sure will have some invaluable ideas and be able to help you for when you're on your own with your youngest.

She sounds just what the doctor ordered.

Luv Legs

joanlawson

tkachev wrote:

I dont usually get upset(well not since the pain of R.A has reduced) but today my daughter has reduced me to tears.She is only 6 but is really willful and moody.
Yesterday I put on a lovely party for her and her friends at Heathrow Gym club.The OH was dreadful to me all morning to the point that I wanted to hobble out of the house to get away from him but didnt want to let my daughter down.
Today she is shouting and throwing things at me and has even hit me. I cannot pick her up to put her on a naughty step,instead I took the lead away from the laptop so she couldnt use it.The OH has taken one son out so it is just me coping with it all.
Thankfully my older daughter is coming to stay tomorrow(havent seen her since July)and she is very strict,having trained as a teaching assistant and she will not allow my daughter to behave like this.
My daughter suffers from dreadful stomach problems so I expect that makes her moody and I make allowances.Unfortunately she wont take her medicine because she doesnt like it.The GP prescribed chocolate flavour movicol but she wont take that either.
I know she is only six and I shouldnt let her get to me but I hate these confrontations.
Thanks for listening
Tkachev(Elizabeth)

Hi Elizabeth

It sounds as though you are going through a really difficult phase with your daughter, but if it is any consolation, it probably is only a phase which she will grow out of.

When children behave in this way, it is usually attention seeking. Children can't always explain verbally if something is worrying or upsetting them, so they act it out in aggressive or angry behaviour. She is probably aiming it at you because you are the person she is closest to.

There might be various reasons for her anxiety. She might be worried about your arthritis, or her own tummy problems, or both things. Also, if there are tensions between you and your OH, she will be pick up on that and could feel responsible for any disagreements between you. Alternatively, there could be some jealousy between her and her brother, or even something at school which has happened. I think you perhaps need to sit down quietly with her when she is calm, and have a talk with her, and ask her if anything is upsetting her. I also think you need to do the same with your OH, because any disagreements should be kept away from your daughter.

The best coping tactic if she throws a tantrum is to stay calm and ignore her. Just walk away, go into another room, and don't give her any attention or even speak to her while she is playing up. Once she has calmed down, and is behaving better, give her lots of attention and reassure her that you love her. When she is playing nicely, make sure you tell her how much you like it when she behaves so well, and give her your full attention. In this way, you will discourage the bad behaviour and reinforce the good behaviour.

It is nice that your older daughter can support you, but you need to agree on your approach as a whole family so that your daughter gets a consistent message. Just "being strict" doesn't work without understanding the underlying causes of your daughter's behaviour. Also, if you hand over discipline to your older daughter, you will undermine your own authority, and probably make matters worse.

Don't despair ! Most children have phases like this at some time.

Good luck!

Joan

joanlawson

Hi Elizabeth

I have just read your second message, and realised that you are coping with difficulties with your sons too, so that might be a further reason for your daughter's anxiety and bad behaviour. It sounds as though your husband is struggling to cope too, so maybe you could benefit from some professional help as a family. You could ask your doctor or the headteacher of your daughter's school what help is available.

Joan

tkachev

Apart from this forum I dont have any one to talk to or anyone I trust.I tend to put up and shut up.I am Aunt Sally of my family,they all call me for advice.
My older daughter tells me not to answer or speak to Lucy,not to say anything and tut tuts me cos I always forget.She used to take over cos I was very ill...I wonder if things will be different now(I was in hospital last visit so she was in charge).She is staying until Friday.I will try to be the one who reprimands Lucy as you advise.
I have edited my previous posts incase I got into trouble.
Take care and thankyou
Elizabeth

annebr

Elizabeth,

I don't have any children so can't offer you any advice. All I can give you are cyber (( )). I do think you are remarkable to cope with everything you do.

I do have a funny story about when I was a wee girl, I had been naughty and my Mum didn't know how to punish me, there was a church disco on the Saturday night and my Mum decided that my punishment was a choice of 2. 1 Not go to the disco, 2 go to the disco but with an outfit of her choice. I chose option 2 and she made me wear a brown tweed skirt and brown (horrible) chunky jumper. That punishment worked for me and I still remember it 30 years later.

Love Anne xx