T'was the night before Christmas.

rondetto

The Christmas thread: I'll start it off with this little ditty.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse; With only six hours left, until morning light, Assembling kids’ presents would take me all night.

19,000 pieces — bolts, washers and screws, To be put together, and me with no clue; All I had for tools were some needle-nose pliers, A Swiss Army Knife and a Phillips screwdriver.

When out on the lawn there arose such a racket, I threw down my pliers and put on my jacket; I swung open the door, to check out the noise, And saw a red-suited man, bringing more toys.

I shouted, “Hey, you on my lawn, what’s the idea!” As my shrubs were being eaten by eight small reindeer; The big man looked up at me and said with a smile, “There’s more to assemble — it will take you a while.”

“My kids don’t need more toys,” I countered right quick, But he wouldn’t hear “no,” that stubborn Saint Nick; “These new toys have detailed instructions,” he said, And he winked as he lifted a bag from his sled.

Then he pulled a bunch of woodchips out of his bag, “It’s a dollhouse,” he said, as he looked at the tag; “It has 6,000 small pieces, plus one or two, You can make it if you have a gallon of glue.”

“And, there are no axle holes on this toy car, With only two wheels it won’t go very far; Perhaps you can whip up some rubber for tyres, I’m sure you can do it before you retire.”

“But Nick,” I pleaded, “don’t you have simple toys? Can’t they build simply things — those elves you employ?” “How ’bout a ball, a rag doll or gun that shoots darts, Or some other present made of only one part?”

Santa said, “Those kinds of toys are passé these days, It’s complicated gadgets that are all the craze; So, please take these here toys and I’ll be on my way, I have houses to get to and visits to pay.”

“I don’t want any more toys!” I yelled quite in shock, Then I slammed the door shut and I secured the lock; And I took off my coat and went back to my bench, And tried to read the directions — printed in French.

Then just as I found I was missing a screw, That old coot came sneaking right down through my flue; “You forgot all these toys,” said the man dressed in red, Then he put his sack right down and here’s what he said.

“You’re not alone staying up all through the night, Dads all over the world are in the same plight; They don’t have the right tools, or any instructions, They’re eyes are bleary and they’re minds don’t quite function.”

Then he left me there speechless, alone with my work, And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk; And laying his finger aside of his nose, And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, And away they all flew like the down of a thistle; But I heard him exclaim, as he jumped in his sleigh, “You’ll need 62 batteries — all triple A.”

kathbee

That's a good 'un Ron

Kath

frogmorton

Aah!
Ron!
I really liked that one. Festive and really sweet
Triple A aren't cheap either.....
Toni x

page35

really enjoyed that Ron
i love making things send all kids toys to my house and i,ll fix them up, they might not look like they do on the box when ive finished though :oops:
ps i used to buy my son Lego for years just so i could make it up (how sad)

dorcas

Ha ha Ron! another triumph! where do you get them all? iris x

ninakang

Fantastic take on one of my favourite poems, love it!

My husband doesn't put together the toys at xmas, I have a brother who is a bigger geek than I am and is quite happy sitting in a corner putting them all together while the kids all jump up and down on him telling him to hurry up :-)

Nx

PS - don't worry about my brother, he gets a xmas dinner out of it.

joyful164

Hello Ron
That was really great. Are we expected to follow that? You know how to tell them so well.

Joy

trisher

Well done Ron, will have to show hubby, on Christmas Eve

Trish xx

babette

Hi Ron

I well remember spending 3 hours assembling a Lego fort on Christmas Eve/ Christmas morning only for it to have become a victim of small children by the end of the week (transformed into a post apocalypic fort). I am not male but for some reason, which may have something to do with why everone asks me where their keys, shoes, gym kit and heads are; I was responsible for assembly of all models etc. My ability to follow diagrams and instructions is second to none.
Any fule knows where their head might be ( well I do anyway!) ......it's up their a*se!!!

B x

rondetto

Thanks all, I'm hopeless at assembling things. But I do have a good supply of batteries when the kids need them.

rondetto

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Constable Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the copper he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."

The copper replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Officer that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy" the copper he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Officer it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Ned.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Ned's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Ned's chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Ned's stuff while old Ned was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."