NEWS FLASH for all CRUISE PASSENGERS

joanlawson
joanlawson Member Posts: 8,681
edited 30. Dec 2009, 09:09 in Community Chit-chat archive
News flash from Southampton Daily Star 27/12 09

SUPER-LINER PREPARES TO SET SAIL ON 30TH DECEMBER

It is reported that the most luxurious ocean liner in the world, the SkylARC, is preparing to embark from Southampton on the cruise to end all cruises, on 30th December.

When placing their bookings, passengers were asked to answer one simple question,' What do you want, do you really, really, want :?: ' They were not shy in making their requests, and all have been granted.

Cabins are fully equipped with whatever the passengers have asked for, from superking-sized water beds, to jacuzzis and personal saunas, endless supplies of champagne, and chocolate, and more chocolate.

Many passengers have requested that their cabins are serviced by the man or woman of their choice. Consequently, many well-known celebrities have been seen already preparing for the voyage. These include Robbie Williams, who looks like having a very busy time as he was a popular request. Others seen are Peter Andre, George Hamilton ( no accounting for taste) Christine Bleakley, and that Sawyer bloke ( can't imagine why :!: ) There is also Joe from the X Factor, and a mystery man with the initials LM ( identity unknown).

Captain Rehab has been in training for the cruise for a while now. He has been studying the maps, which were later found to be upside down, and he has also been checking the state of the bilges. He has also run up and down the Stairway to Heaven a few times to make sure that he is fit for the demands of the journey.

Asked to comment on the skills he will need to use on the voyage, Captain Rehab said;
'All the green bits are trees, Nelly Dean, and the blue bits are the water, Tra la la'.

I am sure that this will inspire all the passengers with great confidence in his abilities as captain :!:

Passengers will embark on 30th Dec. and the first stop will be at Madeira on New Year's Eve, in order to see the firework display over the harbour.

Full evening dress will be required at dinner, and the ladies will be expected to wear their most glamorous dresses. A strict policy of rotation to sit at the captain's table will be adhered to, and anyone breaking this code of conduct by trying to push in, will be made to sit with Fat Kev, the second mate.

Your friendly reporter, Joan.
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Comments

  • minky67
    minky67 Member Posts: 2,328
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    well i'll be there & whats wrong with Peter Andre' may i ask. :shock:
    Ive had all me dry cleaning done, aired all me undies & about ready for a good relax with me cabin boy to tend to my very need :wink:

    I dont like champagne or chocolate.
    so i'll opt for crisps & chardonney,A nice warm cabin & i'll be in 7th heaven. :wink:
    see yer aboard me old ship mates.
    debs
  • minky67
    minky67 Member Posts: 2,328
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Oh Jan you hussy :wink: got to have a safety option.
    In all the good films they all drop there drawers :wink::lol::lol:
    I'll just confuse them all with a thong or 2 :wink:
    You watch Rehab will be jumping straight on this thread like evry other :wink:
    debs (yawning )
  • joanlawson
    joanlawson Member Posts: 8,681
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    You watch Rehab will be jumping straight on this thread like evry other Wink
    debs (yawning )

    Hi Debs

    Well, I said he was trying to get fit to meet the demands of the journey, so perhaps jumping on the threads is part of it :!: :lol:
    Not sure about the winking though :lol::wink:
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  • joyful164
    joyful164 Member Posts: 2,401
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Well, I've just done a round of the charity shops and found some wonderful evening dresses.
    Very practical person I am at times.
    All my frillies have been packed and I'm on my way.

    Are we going to have theme evenings Joan? Just so that I can organise my wardrobe ok
    I do not want to disappoint :wink::wink: Rehab

    Joy
  • joanlawson
    joanlawson Member Posts: 8,681
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    delboy wrote:
    I hope there is a good gentleman's outfitter on board as I shall be arriving by helicopter and can't be bothered to mess about with packing. I was going to send the luggage on ahead but left it too late for parcel farce.

    OOOH, Get You :!: :!: Posh or what :?: :?: :?:
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  • joanlawson
    joanlawson Member Posts: 8,681
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    rehab44 wrote:
    delboy wrote:
    I hope there is a good gentleman's outfitter on board as I shall be arriving by helicopter and can't be bothered to mess about with packing. I was going to send the luggage on ahead but left it too late for parcel farce.
    Meeting in the captains cabin mate? We have to divvi up all these wimmen! I'll have the the passengers with surnames from A-M and you can have N-Z? :D

    Can't wait for all the divving to begin :!: :!: :lol:
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  • margaretschild
    margaretschild Member Posts: 197
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    rehab44 wrote:
    delboy wrote:
    rehab44 wrote:
    Do we have a navigator on this tub?

    I can bring divining rods (works on divvying wimmin too :lol: ) if that helps.
    Do for me bro :D

    Hi,

    My ex is an Ocean Master, which involved an awful lot of time in Antigua! But I learnt a bit about navigating along the way so if we are going to the greek Isles I may be able to help.

    My posh dresses are pressed and waiting!

    Linda

    PS. There is a good Premier Inn close to the harbour for anyone who wants to go a day ahead
  • valval
    valval Member Posts: 14,911
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    i want to be in charge of sun beds, can not wait to see captain in his trunks. will set out towels ready for the pool. do i have to wear dresses wont trousers do look like sack of potatoes in dresses lol . but got some evening trousers and some skimpy tops will they do please say yes
    val
  • valval
    valval Member Posts: 14,911
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    no way but best way to get best bed is to be incharge of padlock will keep u one as well oh master
    val
  • joanlawson
    joanlawson Member Posts: 8,681
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Rehab the Captain
    Joan Lawson First Mate and Cabin girl to the above mentioned

    Hi Captain

    Not sure what my job description is, but OK
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  • margaretschild
    margaretschild Member Posts: 197
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Excuse me but could somebody please tell me exactly what time we are sailing, as I have to feed the dogs, put the hubby in kennels - ooopps! that should be the other way round, and I have to find my charts, although I do know that we have to turn right out of Southampton and left towards the Bay of Biscay!

    Signed Linda
    Navigator
  • margaretschild
    margaretschild Member Posts: 197
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    rehab44 wrote:
    margaretschild wrote:
    Excuse me but could somebody please tell me exactly what time we are sailing, as I have to feed the dogs, put the hubby in kennels - ooopps! that should be the other way round, and I have to find my charts, although I do know that we have to turn right out of Southampton and left towards the Bay of Biscay!

    Signed Linda
    Navigator
    We should be weighing anchor about 2 pm on the 30th, that is when the bog hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the number that looks like a duck, or is it a swan?

    Thank you rehab, although my clock has a big hand I thought bogs were where peat came from :shock: :shock:

    Who is going to weigh the anchor - they are quite heavy you know :lol::lol:
  • annie_mial
    annie_mial Member Posts: 5,614
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Ooooh, can I put in for the position of part-time barmaid? Can't do it full time, too hard on the knees (and feet and hips.....oh, who cares) so it had better be a job-share. I have the necessary attributes (or is it assets? or possibly credentials?) such as requiring a 36G bra and plenty of low-cut dresses to complete the application form with.

    Annie
  • angel1
    angel1 Bots Posts: 1,464
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Rehab - my darlink,

    Do you need a ships singer? Back in the day, I used to sing in the clubs in Liverpool - think Dusty Springfield! Went off the scene when I married, and had my boys, and a gobby cow called Cilla Black took over!!!

    Anyway, I would lurve to do a turn.........Ange.
  • annie_mial
    annie_mial Member Posts: 5,614
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    pixyandfaries wrote:
    oooooooooowwwwwwww its Annie wif da big boobies!!! :shock: :lol:

    They go with the rest of me! Always did have good credentials....

    Annie
  • joanlawson
    joanlawson Member Posts: 8,681
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Folks

    Cabin Girl Joan reporting for duty.

    I received the thick brown envelope, Captain, so have a clearer idea of my duties now. But will your cabin REALLY need servicing so many times a day :?: :?:

    I see the tone of this cruise has been set already by one or two passengers :!: Looks like being as much fun as the last one.

    Anchors away at 2 pm then. I hope there will be a big crowd to wave us on our way :!:
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  • annie_mial
    annie_mial Member Posts: 5,614
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    rehab44 wrote:
    annie_mial wrote:
    Ooooh, can I put in for the position of part-time barmaid? Can't do it full time, too hard on the knees (and feet and hips.....oh, who cares) so it had better be a job-share. I have the necessary attributes (or is it assets? or possibly credentials?) such as requiring a 36G bra and plenty of low-cut dresses to complete the application form with.

    Annie
    Both of you are hired :shock:

    Oooh, goody-goody; will someone tell me where the shandy pump is? I couldn't find it last time. I pour a mean JD and coke though, so Trish will be all right.

    Annie
  • ninakang
    ninakang Member Posts: 1,367
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I won't even pretend to apply for the job of barmaid. I'm going to cut to the chase and apply for the most coveted post of:

    Drunk-girl-propping-up-the-bar

    Nx
  • trisher
    trisher Member Posts: 9,263
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    The last time I weighed the anchors, I dropped them on Joan's foot :oops: well, they were so heavy and I thought I had to weigh them I put them down on Joan's foot while I looked for the scales :oops:

    Right, I'm on my way, no Val not to weigh, I mean left home. I mean I have left home I'm on my way to the boat.

    Do I board first being I'm in a wheelchair?? I do on the planes.

    Trish xxx who has her brolly with her too.
  • annie_mial
    annie_mial Member Posts: 5,614
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    You definitely board first Trish - can I cadge a lift on the back? It's an awful long way up the gangplank. I remember about weighing those anchors last time - after I picked myself up off the floor I still had the giggles. Take good care of that brolly. Don't let Val see it, she's got a thing about them, can't think why.

    Annie
  • trisher
    trisher Member Posts: 9,263
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    ooowweee Has drinkies time started I have only just left home. :D

    I don't mind if I do Annie, yes please Look i'm on first aboard. You know what i want a JD and coke.

    here's to all sail in her Cheers

    Trish xxx
  • trisher
    trisher Member Posts: 9,263
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Jump on the back then hold tight. MIND the Brolly. :D

    It made poor Val's eyes water, she wasn't the same after that.

    I bought me grabber, as well in case we need it.
  • annie_mial
    annie_mial Member Posts: 5,614
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Can I borrow the grabber sometimes, Trish? I think it might come in very useful behind the bar.................here's your drinkie, I've made it a large one.

    Annie
  • joanlawson
    joanlawson Member Posts: 8,681
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    ninakang wrote:
    I won't even pretend to apply for the job of barmaid. I'm going to cut to the chase and apply for the most coveted post of:

    Drunk-girl-propping-up-the-bar

    Nx

    Hi Nina

    It's going to be a long cruise. Does that mean you are going to be drunk for the whole duration :?: You need your Ellen to keep you on the straight and narrow. Now there's a girl with a sensible head :!: Did she get it from her Dad :?:

    Joan
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  • joanlawson
    joanlawson Member Posts: 8,681
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Jan

    Most of the passengers will be boarding tomorrow morning, so don't worry too much tonight.
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