I have a headache!

margaretschild · 29. Dec 2009, 05:05

I have a headache, a permanent one - her name is Samantha, she is my 25 year old daughter and does nothing but cause trouble, she moved to Spain early this year, without telling me, I found her on another web site and began conversation keeping it light and not confrontational at all.

Anyway because of all the trouble she has caused my husband will not have her in the house, her father and his new wife will not have her in their house and she turned up last night after conning her father out of the money for a flight home. (She eventually stayed at a friends house) This is very complicated and I do not want to bore all of you to death with my family problems but I am very sad, I have tried everything over the last few years to sort out this problem and nothing works with her.

Sorry to moan but I just need to get it out of my system

Linda

joanlawson · 29. Dec 2009, 05:20

Hi Linda

I'm sorry to hear about your problems with your daughter. It must be very distressing for you.

I think you are doing the right thing by keeping open the lines of communication with her, and she obviously needs you, despite everything, because otherwise, why would she have come back from Spain?

Our love for our children is unconditional, I think, and all you can do is let her know that you love her, no matter what.

Joan

robertls · 29. Dec 2009, 05:22

Hi Linda.......

We may not be able to solve you problems........but we can certainly listen, and sympathise.......

I have a 31 years old Samantha..............and I've always thought of her as a 'little snot'.......

Seems like I've gotten off lightly..........Maybe the 3 wonderful grandchildren she has produced has tempered her.........

'fraid all you can do is 'hang on in there'.......

Luv and hugs.........seems like you need them right now........Rob x

margaretschild · 29. Dec 2009, 05:27

joanlawson wrote:

Hi Linda

I'm sorry to hear about your problems with your daughter. It must be very distressing for you.

I think you are doing the right thing by keeping open the lines of communication with her, and she obviously needs you, despite everything, because otherwise, why would she have come back from Spain?

Our love for our children is unconditional, I think, and all you can do is let her know that you love her, no matter what.

Joan

Thank you Joan, the kindness of your words means a lot and I always tell her I love her,but unfortunately I cannot give her what she wants - and that is money!
But I will keep talking if she wants to, the problem is she turns nasty if I don't give her what she wants.

Oh well, all these things are sent to try us!

Thank you again Joan

margaretschild · 29. Dec 2009, 05:30

Thank you Rob,

I'm hanging on but only just!

Linda

robertls · 29. Dec 2009, 05:57

My dear daughter had a 'thing' about money.......

Still does to a point..........

She used to ring up from afar (HELL NOT SPAIN THOUGH)....

No money.....no way of getting home.............'dad can you lend'

Not much we can do other than 'be there' for them..

But hang on......by you're finger tips if you have to....

Rob x

tkachev · 29. Dec 2009, 08:41

I have a 25 year old daughter too but she is lovely.
I give her and her sister the same financial helpso cannot be accused of favouritism,which can cause resentment for years,but they know not to expect help.They have to learn to stand on their own two feet as early as possible.They have been told they are welcome home anytime without asking, if things go wrong with relationships.
How awful is your daughter that no family members welcome her into their home?I think you have been great to keep light-hearted communication with her,not pressurising or questioning her.But can your husband give her a chance again and welcome her home for the New Year or would she cause problems?She might be questioning her behaviour now she is 25.You never know!
Best wishes
Elizabeth

margaretschild · 29. Dec 2009, 08:55

tkachev wrote:

I have a 25 year old daughter too but she doesnt like to worry me so doesnt ask for much.
I give her and her sister the same financial helpso cannot be accused of favouritism,which can cause resentment for years,but they know not to expect help.They have to learn to stand on their own two feet as early as possible.
Would your daughter get nasty if you didnt send her money?In that instance it is bullying and I wouldnt put up with it.
Best wishes
Elizabeth

Hi Elizabeth,

I have a 30 year old daughter as well and she asks for nothing, they are both treated the same, given the same, and spoken to in the same manner.

And yes she most certainly gets nasty if she cannot have money - which she can't. So you are quite right I am being bullied, but she is so subtle about it, it comes in from the blind side. If you know what I mean.

Linda

tkachev · 29. Dec 2009, 08:59

Hi Linda
I edited my post cos I felt your concerns were not just money orientated
Elizabeth

margaretschild · 29. Dec 2009, 10:55

tkachev wrote:

Hi Linda
I edited my post cos I felt your concerns were not just money orientated
Elizabeth

Yes Elizabeth you are quite right they are not all money oriented, and no her father will not accept her back into his home, and neither will my husband.

There are only so many times you can forgive, - even your own children.

Linda

angel1 · 29. Dec 2009, 11:29

First. let me say how very sad I am that you have this problem with your younger daughter Linda. As a mother, and also because of my work, I know that most mums blame themselves when their children behave badly. DON`T. It`s not your fault.

When I was first training to be a Counsellor, the issue of Nature, or Nurture was constantly being discussed. I personally have always been on the Nature side, and I have been proved right many times during my work. The fact that you have two daughters, both of whom have had the same loving upbringing, and yet have
turned out so differently, proves my point I feel.

I wonder why Samantha is so unhappy? Is it possible for you to ask her? You say that you have been non confrontational, and whilst that can sometimes be the best way, it doesn`t really solve the problem

In the meantime, just love her, and be there for her, and be kind to yourself.........Ange.

margaretschild · 29. Dec 2009, 15:30

Thank you so much Angel, I have tried to talk to her but I get no where, I am not ready to give up yet but it wears me out. I did not sleep much last night and as my eldest daughter has seen to everything today it's kind of upset things.

My eldest daughter seems to understand everything and the youngest understands nothing!!!

To all who have written on this thread a big thank you it really does help to talk

Linda

elnafinn · 29. Dec 2009, 18:40

Dear Linda

From what you say without going into any detail as such, there appears to be a lot going on with your 25 year old. The 5 years difference between both daughters may hold the key to something that may have affected your younger daughter more at any one time, than the other. Children can often be quite different even when brought up the same, they develop different characteristics from their parents. Do you think your younger daughter is a little jealous of her sister?

All you can do is be there for her which you are doing. I believe we all have moments when we really worry about our children and what they are doing or not doing but usually they brush up well in the end, some much later than others. Do not chastise yourself, it sounds like you have done your very best with both your girls and that is all one can do.

I do hope things improve for you - I am sure they will.

Love
Elna x

valval · 29. Dec 2009, 20:14

poor u, i know u love her and must be finding it all so hard .it does not matter how old they r they r still our children and i feel for u. one of these days things will sort them selves out just be there for her as much as u can with out causing problems for your self, listen to her and tell her u r there .but also tell her stress is bad for u it makes arther worse and u need her to meet u half way it can not all be on your side she has to want to be part of the family and prove it to u all good luck fingers r crossed for u also (((big hug)))

trisher · 30. Dec 2009, 20:03

Hi

I cannot say anymore than has been said.

I do sympathise with you and send you some gentle (((((hugs))))) to you.

luv Trish xxx

tkachev · 31. Dec 2009, 01:41

Hi Linda,

I have a similar situation with my cousin who doesnt want to see his daughter(and his new granddaughter),But someone has to give or else these situations go on for ever.And she had a tough start in life and I feel she needs understanding and compassion although she could throw it all in our faces!That is still likely.When do we know when they need help or are taking advantage?
Elizabeth

I have a headache!

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