when do you stop feeling guilty?

psyart

Hi - felt i needed to write on the forum today as not been very good over the last couple of days. i am better today, but i get very upset when i am having bad days as feel guilty and tell myself that i should just get on with things - but cant!! i wouldnt say i have been in extreme pain, i have had to take co-codomol and slow releasing tramadol at night, but when i read some of the things on here, i tell myself to stop being so sorry for myself as i am not suffering as a lot of you so i tell myself to just get on!!! hope this is making sense???
i am normally an independant person who likes to do things for herself, but have accepted that with PA, there are certain things that will never be the same. I try not to complain to my OH or my daughter, who I feel I am becoming reliant on!!! Some days i tell myself it is all in my head and i must be imagining the pain!!! but when i am bad with pain or fatigue, i know its for real!!! when do you accept that this is the way it is?? or am I just a normal person with PA and these things are normal feelings we have to fight along with everything else???

not sure if I am making sense?? i find it hard to explain what i am feeling and when i do try, i feel very silly!!! thats why this site is so good, as noone can see me cringing in embarassment!!!! :oops: :oops:
I hope some one can help me out of this fog in my head!!!!
Louise

angel1

Sorry to hear you`re feeling so confused Louise. I feel this is often caused because this disease is so unpredictable. We get reasonably good days, and despite knowing better, we start to hope. Then the flare ups kick in, and we are back to square one. This makes acceptance so very difficult. If we had exactly the same level of pain and discomfort daily - not that we want that! - it might be easier to accept.

One word you use jumps out, and is constantly used by most people on here. GUILT. God knows why, but we all seem to feel that it`s our fault if our illness impacts upon others, when in actual fact, most families want to be there for each other.

Probably the best way of dealing with your feelings would be to share them with the very people you worry about being too reliant upon. I bet they will be only too pleased to reassure you. I wish you peace of mind........Ange.

elnafinn

Hi there Louise

There is no need to be embarrassed by your message. You are not alone with this and there are posts similar to yours on here every now and again.

You are grieving for what what you were and could do and there is no time scale for that. It takes as long as it takes. You have all the emotions to go through and even yoyo between them.

Being in pain, lack of sleep, popping pills, makes us tired, weepy, temperamental and feeling jaded.

We should not compare ourselves and our pain with others. Pain is pain. We have to learn to pace ourselves and "do" when we are able and "leave alone" when not. Another way when not feeling too good and consequently miserable is to perhaps think that we will do one task today and then rest. That is an achievement then. If later we feel able, we may tackle something else. If not, it does not matter, we did do one thing.

Trying to keep positive helps, along with laughter and seeing the funny side of things if possible.

I am pleased to read that you feel better today. Make the most of the better and good times.

I hope 2010 is going to be an easier year for you. Keep posting. It does help.

Luv
Elna x

mmarshall

Hi Louise
When I read your post I felt as if you were speaking on behalf of me as I can relate to how you feel.
I feel the same way as you on plently of occassions. I was and still am as far as I can be a very indepenant person and don't want to keep asking my family for help.
I also work full time and there have been times when I think maybe I should only be working part time as I get really tierd and i am sure my work mates get fed up with me moaning.
My two children are grown up and have families of their own and I feel everytime they visit or phone all I do is moan about not feeling great of I am sore, then after they go I feel guilty about them worrying about me and think I should say that I am okay.
So what I mean to say to you is that you are not alone on how you feel because when you are so tierd or in pain it is hard to cope with and it makes you uspset.
I also think when I read some of the posts on here that I am very lucky that I can still work even though I find it hard at times. I also have a loving husband and family, but nothing makes up for wishing that the RA would go away and I could get my old life back but that is not going to happen so we just have to make the best we can.
Take care
Mary

annie_mial

Hi Louise, oh, I do know where you are at! For me, if 2009 taught me nothing else, I did learn not to feel so guilty about all the stuff out of my control.

This is me, here, today, and this is how I feel today. Forget yesterday, it's gone, and tomorrow is still waiting. I have devised ways of communicating to my family what kind of a day it is, and on a bad day my favourite comment is that I'm feeling 'craptastic'. When I say that, they know that I will do what I can do and they do offer help. If it is a 'fantastic' day they let me get on with it.
I do try to be as cheerful and as positive as I can on a bad day and I do agree with setting my sights on just one thing on a bad day- if I can do whatever it is then it is a good day after all.

It's taken me years to sort this out in my mind, but the result is that I'm a lot more cheerful and positive than previously. My hubby says he can see the difference and I am much more content than I was.

Hoping this helps
Annie
XX

valval

hi know what u mean u can not explain it and u want to carry on as normal but your body has other ideas i have been in a bad place last few days and every one here has helped so much with out them we would be lost . but stop feeling guilty there is nothing u can do, it is not your fault guilt will make things worse like stress does. i am sure your family loves u a lot just as u r. so come talk to us when u need us we r here and it does help to share .
val

thesinger

Hi Louise, PLEASE do not feel guilty about something you never asked for. I understand why you and others do but it is one thing about my disability i have NEVER felt. Annoyed,frustrated,angry sometimes a little depressed all normal feelings but guilt in my opinion should not be considered normal. I am sure you and i along with most do what we can when we can and those close to us HAVE to accept we have our bad days. I do hope life gets better for you. Take Care and i wish you a Happier 2010. Brian.

chris7

Louise

Glad you felt able to get this down. You are making sense and many of us will know a little of how you are feeling. I can't add to what others have said but send a hug and hope the New Year is a better one for you.
Take care of yourself.
Chris

psyart

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR REPLYING xx

your words have hit home to me and to know that what I feel is 'normal' and others feel the same is a comfort!! some days I do what I can and accept that I'm not able to do more, but sometimes it really gets to me!! I try to not grumble or complain and I will tell my OH if I am having a bad day. He says I'm allowed to moan when I need to!!! But it is a daily battle and I suppose this is why we need a site like this and the good decent people who will give support and words of comfort when we need it. Thank you for the words of wisdom and support and understanding - I'm sure I will need to get things written down again and know you lot are there always!!!


Louise

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL AND MAY IT BRING BETTER TIMES!!!

sarahpeps

To Pysart,
Just want to add my comments to your post - you have said exactly what Ive been feeling but have been unable to put into words - well done!
Im having a bad day (mentally and physically) We've decided we need to get me a car, and its an absolute nightmare - I need and automatic and one that doesnt have low seats as its painful to get in and out of a 'normal' car, that really narrows the choice down and pushes the price up! I feel totally fed up that I cant drive a normal car and feel that Im bloody useless. It makes me feel low and cheesed off that Ive got OA.
My hubby and kids are great, they understand and do what they can, the remainder of my family think Im lazy and exaggerate things. The only time they seem to show the slightest bit of sympathy is if they see I have a wrist splint on, or if my legs are so bad that Im limping. Otherwise they dont realise how bad I feel.
Ive decided that in 2010 Im coming first! Im joining a weight loss group as I could do with loosing 2 stone, that should help the oa in my knees, Im also going to find a local Arthritis group.
I agree that the gps and physios dont seem to help, they treat arthritis as if its an injury that needs a quick fix and not a long term illness that wont get better.
Sorry for going on, this forum is the best thing I have found to help me realise Im not alone.