that old guilt

valval
valval Member Posts: 14,911
edited 3. Jan 2010, 18:09 in Living with Arthritis archive
ok how many of us push our selves and do to much because we feel we are letting others down if we do not do things. how do we learn to think it can wait the world will not come to an end if i leave dishes till tomorrow or clean the bath later there is always something that we feel we just have to get done mine feeding people when they can do it them selves but never mind how bad i feel i have to feed them why they can cook why do i feel i have to do it ??????????????????????
val

Comments

  • skezier
    skezier Member Posts: 11,333
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Val,

    I thik its a common to feel this one. I don't think we would if we didn't have an underlying problem somehow. For me its all about compromise and payback if I want to push it. I am sure in time you will find the balance, but it can take years and then you still can feel your letting everything down. I hope you will soon find the balance and I will lend you the training manual for 'Dreckly' (a Cornish word for when ever :wink: ) Luv Cris x
  • lindalegs
    lindalegs Member Posts: 5,397
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Val,

    I think it's part of having a dibiltating disease, it makes us feel inadequate as though we have to prove we're just as good as everyone else.

    You have to remember we are just as good, if not better and we have nothing to prove. We not only tackle each day as it comes but we have to cope with arthur too ......I bet they couldn't do it and if they could, boy, wouldn't they moan :roll:

    If they're hungry pass them a pan and if they complain give them a dishcloth.....could work wonders.

    I take pride in doing what I do, big or small, and if I need a little help, I ask. I'm the queen of my castle, be the queen in yours.

    Luv Legs :D
    Love, Legs x
    'Make a life out of what you have, not what you're missing'
  • valval
    valval Member Posts: 14,911
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    well i know who wears the trousers but i do tend to be bit of control freak so will have to let others help more def. in garden this year it is to much for me doing the grass these days so will get lads to do it only feed lads one meal a day they do the rest them selves or i would be up and down all the time they in and out like it a hotel
    val
  • cazaline
    cazaline Member Posts: 61
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Couldn't have put it better myself Legs.

    I know Arthritis makes me feel inadequate, but even though it is a horrible thing to have to deal with, it has made me a much stronger person. I am guilty of pushing myself too far because I feel ashamed of what is wrong with me and therefore try to prove that I am just as capable as anyone else.

    We definitely do not have anything to prove to anyone and if there are times when you simply cannot do something, then don't push yourself. There is no shame in asking someone for help when you need it, you deserve it, and as Legs says, we are just as good as anyone else so remember that.

    Much love xXx
  • jofallowfield
    jofallowfield Member Posts: 41
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi

    I hate asking for help but get mad when Im left to struggle and end up crippled the next day. Ive put all the decoration up,took them all down,put them in the loft and everyone is wondering why Im nowin a bad mood!!!!! :x
  • lindalegs
    lindalegs Member Posts: 5,397
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi

    I hate asking for help but get mad when Im left to struggle and end up crippled the next day. Ive put all the decoration up,took them all down,put them in the loft and everyone is wondering why Im nowin a bad mood!!!!! :x

    Hi Jo,

    The trouble with struggling, I find, is that we waste alot of energy that could be better spent doing other things. What takes us possibly 10 minutes can take others just a couple. Often other folk don't know we're struggling, frustrated and hurting and just think we're happy being independent (fools :roll: ).

    When I first had this cursed disease I used to struggle, sometimes in tears to finish a task and then when I was upset, angry and hurting how often did I hear that wonderful sentence 'All you had to do was ask.' :x

    It is true, I've learnt over the years, people are glad to help (the only exception being teenagers in a strop :wink: ) and now I do just that, swallow my pride and ASK - they can always say no and if they dare that leads to a good old row and that clears the air anyway. :lol:

    Luv Legs who's put her Pollyanna hat on again :D
    Love, Legs x
    'Make a life out of what you have, not what you're missing'
  • joyful164
    joyful164 Member Posts: 2,401
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    When we were well and strong, we did everything. Family and friends took us for granted. We liked the praise (sometimes) of doing something well.
    Now that we are being dragged backwards by this disease, we are still being taken for granted.
    I think the problem is that we are afraid to look weak, but I think we must talk to people. Start educating them about how we are, how we feel. Make them start feeling good about themselves by helping us instead. Have you ever had a broken leg or sprained your ankle, broken an arm or wrist. We needed help then didn't we. Well it is the same.
    It's very likely that our family would like to be given the chance but as you said, we like to be control freaks.
    Now is the time to let others help us. Tell them or ask them to do jobs. If they say no, then sit them down, if they are family and explain the problem. I am lucky because my OH understands and helps, though I know I have overdone it today. Here we go, why, because I don't like tolook weak

    Joy
  • annie_mial
    annie_mial Member Posts: 5,614
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Joy, you are so right............I have just heard myself assuring my daughter that I am fine......yeah, right! I seem to have somebody else's legs today, these don't fit properly and keep aching........my hands are throbbing like disco lights and I keep falling over........I'll have to give up the tea along with everything else!

    Annie
  • valval
    valval Member Posts: 14,911
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    well thought this one would get people talking we all find our selves doing it smiling and saying i am ok lol. oh knows i can not carrie bags any more so anything heavy he carries or i am no good to any one
    val
  • carol101
    carol101 Member Posts: 584
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Val,

    I do think we all have that problem. At home i have learnt to let my husband look after me, but when i'm at work i still try to rush around like there's no tomorrow. I am a supervisor so feel a sense of responsibilty. Also, although i know i have certain rights, i just think i can't afford to loose my job. When i come home i'm exhausted and hubby has to do eveything.

    Carol X
  • Wonkylegs
    Wonkylegs Member Posts: 3,504
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    HI Val,

    well it is good to know I am not on my own with this one :wink:

    I wonder if it is that we already feel that we have had our control taken away by arthur, and asking for help & accepting help gives us this feeling of losing control all over again?

    not sure If I have explained quite what I mean, but I know that sometimes it feels like failure to ask for/accept help, when in fact it is quite the opposite, it is a strength, but we don't look at it that way most of the time.