Younger son moving out.......!!!

pheebs
pheebs Member Posts: 202
edited 27. Jan 2010, 08:16 in Community Chit-chat archive
Hi all,

Haven't been leaving any messages lately because I've been feeling more and down over the last few weeks, and just realised after my son's announcement that I might be needing help.

His announcement to leave home hasn't made me depressed, just brought it to a head. I always knew it would happen which is fine, but he's moving in with a girl I've met twice (few minutes each time), and they've only been going out for a few weeks. I always imagined the first move would be with his pals.

I'm happy he has the confidence to make the move - in fact, he said he thinks he has it too easy at home (I certainly don't do everything for him) and he feels he has to make a move and do things for himself. I'm just disappointed he chose such a blunt way to tell me.

He says he wants to something for him for once - he's a good friend to many and helps out all over the place so I can understand what he means.

I must sound like a proper saddo, but I just had this awful feeling that I'd never see him but that's just my mood. And as that will be me living by myself I have this picture in my head of me getting old, having hips and knees operated on and nobody here to help. Again, that's just my mood because I'm normally such a positive person.

I'm a bit like my son in that way because I seem to be sounding board for a lot of people - friends, and work colleagues because it's part of my job - but it seems everything is getting to me. I now have medication and been advised to not get sucked into everyone elses problems!!

So, sorry for moaning because I'm more than aware there are people on here with far worse situations in their lives, but isn't it funny how depression can make everything seem bleak.

I'll bounce back soon, I know!! (see, positive attitude)!!

Pheebs x

Comments

  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 26,659
    edited 26. Jan 2010, 11:09
    Oh Pheebs!

    I just know I will feel the same when mine fly the nest even though they do my head in too!

    You should be rpoud of yourself that you have brought up such a kind and strong young man.

    I hope this relatuionship will work out for him and that his girlfriend is the right one for him.

    You know it says something that he is able to leave (about you!) and doesn't feel compelled to stay.

    The door will be open for him I am sure.

    As for you - you will never be alone - with us lot AND you can call in favours from all those people you have helped over the years.

    You take care (and a little weep if you need to)


    m025.gif a little bounce for you till you get your own back :)

    Love

    Toni x
    Love

    Toni xxx
  • ninakang
    ninakang Member Posts: 2,056
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Pheebs

    I completely agree with Toni, it sounds like you have brought up a very strong, independent young man and he's a credit to you for wanting to move out and find his own feet.

    I hate it when people say "I know there's others worse off than me" when explaining how they feel. What's that got to do with anything? There will always be people worse or better off than you, you should still confide in people.

    I will probably feel the same when mine leave home, but my eldest is only 11 so I have a good 30 or 40 years to go yet (if I get my way) :-)

    Nx
  • pheebs
    pheebs Member Posts: 202
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thanks for your replies - much appreciated!!

    He is a lovely lad - I hope he doesn't get hurt, but as you said, Toni, the door will always be open for him.

    I tend to be a bit obsessive/compulsive so things in my head can get out of control but I know it will get better.

    I know I don't post very much, but I do regularly read the stuff on here and it cheers me up to know what a nice bunch everyone is. I also have loads of good friends.

    Now, must start searching for "Mr Right", whoever he is!!

    Just remembered something my older son said. He asked me what I thought the most difficult job in the world is. I just stared at him and when I didn't reply he said "oh, being a parent"!! But it's also the most rewarding.!!

    Love Pheebs x
  • ninakang
    ninakang Member Posts: 2,056
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    delboy wrote:
    I wish I could get my daughter out 8)

    You CAN'T mean that Del!

    Do you think I'll be the same with my daughters when puberty hits them? I've heard some right horror stories and I was a nightmare myself, believe it or not :-)

    Nx
  • valval
    valval Member Posts: 15,897
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    hi pheebs i know where you r coming from my oldest moved in with girl he had not known long we sat him down and told him we love him and know he can look after him self and his room here if he needs it well he was gone months then back home .so he might be back just leave the door open for him as they say. you have bought him up to be independent so you know he will be ok and i do not think for one min he will stay away from you for long he will drop in invite you for t .
    val
  • joanlawson
    joanlawson Member Posts: 10,319
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Pheebs

    I sympathise with you. It always comes as a bit of a shock to realise that our children have lives of their own, independent of us. Being a mother of twins, it seemed even more abrupt to me when they both left home at the same time. The house went from being full of them and their friends, to deathly quiet overnight.

    Much as we would like to shield them from being hurt in relationships, we can't, and sometimes they have to learn the hard way. I always knew that my son would have his heart broken at some point in his life, because there are no half-measures with him; when he gives his heart, he really gives it. All I could do was to be there to help pick up the pieces when it did get broken a few years ago. Then I was there again to share in his happiness when he found someone new to love. He is now happily married, I am pleased to say.

    Your son is leaving, but he will always return, I am sure. Think of it as YOUR time now, and try to do things which you enjoy. Then new doors might open for you, and who knows where they might lead to :?: Maybe Mr. Right is waiting somewhere there.

    Joan
    c1b3ebebbad638aa28ad5ab6d40cfe9c.gif
  • lindalegs
    lindalegs Member Posts: 5,407
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Pheebs,

    Both our sons left home last year within months of each other and, yes, you do miss them ........ at first ....but it's amazing how quickly you adapt to having the place to yourself. We find we still see lots of them and the time we spend with them now is quality time without all the stress that they can be and also fewer chores. :D:D:D

    Be pleased he's got the confidence and independence to make his own way in life, it's what we bring them up to do.

    It's amazing how much the food bill shrinks too ......although the first thing they do when they visit is look in the fridge and ask 'what's to eat' :roll:

    Luv Legs :D
    Love, Legs x
    'Make a life out of what you have, not what you're missing'
  • joanlawson
    joanlawson Member Posts: 10,319
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Another thought............ We don't own our children. They are only ever on loan to us, and your son is right, Pheebs, being a parent is the hardest, but most rewarding, job you will ever have in your life.

    I hope your depression will lift soon. I know how it feels when that cloud descends.
    c1b3ebebbad638aa28ad5ab6d40cfe9c.gif
  • valval
    valval Member Posts: 15,897
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    i think it the feeling of being down a dark hole that to large to get out of . but you will think of what you enjoy doing and all the extra time you will have . did you ever want to paint/canoe/ swim/read. there must be something that would give you pleasure it time for you so enjoy it you can always bake and freeze it for when he visits
    val
  • pheebs
    pheebs Member Posts: 202
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi again,

    Thanks, you have all cheered me up just like I knew you would. As for you Delboy, I'm sure your daughter is really a little treasure!!

    Val - he's not much of a cake eater, but has hinted at home made soup so I'll have some of that ready. I do have hobbies so must get back into them, however one of them is gardening so I'll have to wait a bit for that. And I'm going back to Jazzercise tonight - it's good fun and good for you.

    Thanks again, you're a great bunch.

    Love Pheebs x
  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,089
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Pheebs,
    I was really down when my sons left home , you feel so lost, but you soon get used to them being away. If they are anything like mine my eldest came back three times, then we put our foot down, but you always love um,
    You take care.
    Love Barbara x
    Love
    Barbara
  • livinglegend
    livinglegend Member Posts: 1,425
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    It was not mine leaving home, (long gone), my problem is that they keep coming back. From just the 2 of us, suddenly, we have 3 more descend and 4 cars to park.

    I must admit that it is a wrench when they go, but I am sure that they will keep in touch and will be thinking of you, (whenever they need some cash). You will find that he will keep in touch, let him go, it will hold him closer!

    Joseph 8)
    Josephm0310.gif
  • elnafinn
    elnafinn Member Posts: 8,043
    edited 26. Jan 2010, 14:54
    Dear Pheebs

    I think one of the reasons why you are feeling like you do, is because you have only met his girlfriend fleetingly twice and it is like she has taken him away from you. You may have felt a little differently about it if he had left home to flat share with friends, or see what living on his own was like. It can be upsetting when children leave the nest but even more so, I feel with your particular scenario. If you knew his girlfriend better, you may feel differently. I am sure he will visit on a regular basis and keep in contact. Hopefully they will visit together too so you can get to know her.

    I hope you soon feel better about the whole situation and when your son or both visit it will be something to look forward to. There is no reason why you cannot visit them in their place too, is there?

    Please do join us more on here. As you can see, you have had many replies. :)

    Love
    Elna x

    ps When I left home and moved into a bedsit and for the first time I had a boyfriend that my mum did not really take to, many years later she told me she was so upset watching me leave and this boyfriend helping me take all my belongings out of the house, including some of my bedroom furniture she went and poured herself a stiff drink and this was something she very rarely did.
    The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

    If you can lay down at night knowing in your heart that you made someone's day just a little bit better, you know you had a good day.
  • joyful164
    joyful164 Member Posts: 2,962
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Pheebs

    Nice to meet you.
    First of all, well done to have a son who feels confident enough to leave home and start looking after himself. You're bound to miss him at first, but as Joan and others have said, now it is time for you.
    It's good that you have hobbies and friends and, of course, you have us for when you are home on your own and want a chat.

    My hobby is art and I just love painting. I've just got back from a lovely afternoon painting a. I'm afraid that I can't garden anymore. I try and can manage to plant pots but that is about it. You're lucky. Hope you don't find it too much of a struggle yourself. Do you have any stately homes near where you live. We have one call Cottesmore Hall Nr Northampton and later in Feb they have a take and swop day. which saves you actually buying plants. If you take several, you can most likely get your hands on plants you haven't got in your garden. Our first National Gardens Scheme gets under way soon with the snowdrops appearing.

    Looking forward to having another chat sometime.
    Joy
  • joanlawson
    joanlawson Member Posts: 10,319
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    It was not mine leaving home, (long gone), my problem is that they keep coming back. From just the 2 of us, suddenly, we have 3 more descend and 4 cars to park.

    I must admit that it is a wrench when they go, but I am sure that they will keep in touch and will be thinking of you, (whenever they need some cash). You will find that he will keep in touch, let him go, it will hold him closer!

    Joseph 8)

    Hi Joseph

    This reminds me of when we came to view our house for the first time prior to buying it. The family had three grown-up sons who were still living at home, and there were cars, motorbikes, and even a boat all round the property.

    The neighbours told us that there was a constant process of shuffling the vehicles round every day so that they could all get out to work. It made quite a bit of noise, so the neighbours were quite glad when they left.

    Joan
    c1b3ebebbad638aa28ad5ab6d40cfe9c.gif
  • pheebs
    pheebs Member Posts: 202
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi to you all once again, and thanks!!

    I've just been to jazzercise so feel better after a workout - knee playing up though so did low impact.

    Elna - I can't believe you nearly drove your mother to drink!! :shock:

    Joy - That's a shame you can' t do gardening. I work full-time and have a huge garden so have a gardener to do the front (makes me sound like Lady Muck!), I do the bit at the back, and my son does the veggie patch and he said he'll be doing it again this year so that's nice. My 88 yr old dad occasionally helps - he reckons it keeps him fit! Not one aching joint in his body!!

    I haven't painted for years - I won some prizes when I was at school. Maybe one day I'll give it another go.

    Joseph - it's nice to have a male viewpoint because this subject seems to be female orientated.

    Thanks again to you all.

    Love Pheebs x

    Thank you all again
  • elnafinn
    elnafinn Member Posts: 8,043
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Pheebs

    You made me smile. My mum only did that the once! She told me years later how unhappy she had been. It all eventually petered out with that boyfriend and she is very happy with whom I married 33 years ago. :D

    Chin up, it will all work out alright. :D

    Love
    Elna x
    The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

    If you can lay down at night knowing in your heart that you made someone's day just a little bit better, you know you had a good day.
  • valval
    valval Member Posts: 15,897
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    delboy wrote:
    Don't ge the wrong impression folks, I do love my daughter but she is a bit of a drain financially and emotionally and both resources are limited.

    dell know what you mean but if she working then she should pay something even if only £10 she been away so knows how expensive everything is. both my lads at home lol do not think they will ever go for good lol .will love the space when they have gone will miss them as love them loads, but not all the work they cause lol extra food washing shoes extra all adds to more work i did not bring them up to be independant to stay home grrrrrrrrrr
    val
  • maud48
    maud48 Member Posts: 170
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Pheebs
    I think It's natural to feel a sense of loss when your children leave home as it means a stage of your life is ending. On the positive side though, as everyone has said - that means another is beginning.
    If he's anything like my children he will make mistakes and all you can do is be there for him when he needs it. Mine did and sometimes I despaired of them.
    They're mostly all settled down now with wonderful partners who feel just as dear to me as my own children. I feel really lucky and blessed to have them all and although I sometimes dreaded them growing up, having them as independent adults and friends is wonderful.
    Just think, you have your freedom now to think of yourself for a change and all that to look forward to,
    maudx
  • joyful164
    joyful164 Member Posts: 2,962
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Pheebs

    I was thinking about your worries about your son. You are bound to. He could fall out with this girlfriend and then want to come back home. I think, naturally, you hve to be prepared
    From experience though, I have had to be there for my son several times. Now he is happily married with a family, but I still have niggling doubts about his wife. My son has been let down twice, which cost him dearly and I have seen him go through many heartbreaks.
    Why is it we always think that the woman or man that our children have chosen are not good enough for them? Does that make sense.
    It has also happened with my daughter, but she has a better head on her shoulders than my son has. I'm a big softy and so is my son. That's why we get hurt a lot more.

    Anyway Pheebs, I'm sure he will be just fine. but be prepared.

    Joy