"I'll be dead soon anyway"

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ninakang
ninakang Member Posts: 1,367
edited 17. Feb 2010, 06:47 in Community Chit-chat archive
Hello everyone

My posts about things my children say have always been quite well received in the past, so I thought I'd share another one with you.

Now my dad is 65 and is receiving his full pension, he's been doing a lot of planning for when he's not here anymore and putting things like accounts and wills into place. I do think this is a very healthy attitude and applaud him for his practicality.

However, what gets me is that he either starts most conversations these days with "Because I won't be around forever" or ends conversations with "I'll be dead soon anyway".

It's got to the point where, when I went shopping with Jassie (6) for Dad's birthday card and said to her "Your Nana's going to be 65!" She'd obviously been listening to him to reply with "Does that mean he'll be dead soon?". I didn't know who to have a go at first - my daughter for coming out with something so inappropriate or my Dad for talking like this around her when she's so little!

I think I ended up spluttering something to Jassie along the lines of "We will all die one day, Jassie, but you get a new life" and we had quite a nice conversation about Karma and the things I believe happen once you pass on. But really, the girls is 6 years old and hasn't had anyone close to her die (luckily) - does she really need to know all this?!

Nx

Comments

  • skezier
    skezier Member Posts: 11,333
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Hi Nina,

    Its a difficult one eh? Bless her she doesn't need it really and well it seems its what parents can do to us! My father has been saying it now for over 20 years.......... I think the Karma chat though is wonderful so well done and maybe you could have a quiet word with your Dad and see if he could stop when the little uns are around? Sending you a ((( ))) for your continual embarrassment with your girls, who sound magic by the way :wink: Cris x
  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 29,493
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Hi Nina

    We just been to a funeral :( Kids great great Aunt aged 97 :)

    He is so right to make his plans as my Dad did die at 66 (:!: Mum at 70 so i WONT be around forever either :wink: ). I tell you what it really helped that he had it all in oreder and that was one less worry for my Mum and me who was helping her.

    I think I'd do what you are doing and there isn't too much harm, but I'd tell her it should be a good while before she looses her beloved Grandad - 10 years or more all being well :)

    You take care

    Love

    Toni xx
  • livinglegend
    livinglegend Member Posts: 1,425
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    ninakang wrote:
    he's been doing a lot of planning for when he's not here anymore and putting things like accounts and wills into place. I do think this is a very healthy attitude and applaud him for his practicality.

    However, what gets me is that he either starts most conversations these days with "Because I won't be around forever" or ends conversations with "I'll be dead soon anyway".

    Nx
    Perhaps because he has been filling in forms for accounts and wills it has bought home to him that we are all mortal. Being old enough for a pension at one time meant that you really didn't have long to go. Age is to be enjoyed as it is a part of life, as is youth.

    But I always remember just a few lines from a poem, Rabbi Ben Ezra by Robert Browning.

    Grow old along with me!
    The best is yet to be,
    The last of life, for which the first was made.


    This always gives me confidence to face the new day.

    Joseph 8)
    Josephm0310.gif
  • moonseed
    moonseed Member Posts: 289
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Speaking from personal experience only :-
    As a very young girl, aged about 7 I think, I was taken to visit my grandmother in a care home. She was 87.

    I distinctly remember asking her if she was feeling OK (or words to that effect).
    She replied, "I'm just sitting here, waiting to die".

    The memory of this encounter has haunted me all of my life.
    Now at the age of 66, I think she was a wicked old woman saying something like that to such a little girl.

    Needless to say, I didn't go again and she died soon after anyway!

    I think your Dad should be persuaded not to repeat these sort things as they can be extremely damaging.

    But of course, that's only my opinion.

    Regards.
    Steph
  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 29,493
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    OMG Steph! That's terrible!!!
    She maybe was a bit depressed and wasn't able to think about anyone else but herself??
    You take care
    And don't hang about waiting to die :shock:
    LIVE :D
    Toni x
  • joanlawson
    joanlawson Member Posts: 8,681
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Hi Nina

    Whenever we reach a particular milestone, I think it often makes us reflect on life in general. This is probably what has happened with your Dad because he now sees himself as a senior citizen. It has probably brought it home to him that he is getting older, and won't be around for ever. Once he gets used to being 65, and discovers the benefits of being older ( bus pass etc.) it won't bother him so much.

    As for Jassie, maybe it would be a good idea to mention to your Dad that she has picked up on what he said. He probably hasn't realised that she has been asking about it, and I'm sure he wouldn't want to worry her. She is very bright, and doesn't miss anything, does she? We can't protect children from knowing about death, but it could worry her if she thinks her Grandad is going to die.

    Joan
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  • page35
    page35 Member Posts: 1,081
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Hi Nina
    I have the same problem with my mum :roll: she always saying "i wont be here for long" "i dont feel well expect ill be dead soon" etc
    constant stuff about being ill and dieing.
    my daughter is 2 and my mum told her the other day, you must dry your hands or your get arthritis, this annoyed and upset me cos for a few day after my daughter keep telling me to dry my hands, she knows i have painful hands and i think she thought drying my hands would make me better.
    i love my mum dearly but i do wish she would think before opening her mouth :x shes 72 and far stronger than me at 34 :roll:
  • snowball
    snowball Member Posts: 3,465
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    My dads mum always told me she was going to die soon the first time she told me i was about 4, i did ask her what happened when you died where did you go she said you go to heaven and then i asked how do you get there on a trampoline you bounce up to heaven. Well i can tell you it was a long time before i would go on a trampoline.
    Julie
    ((((hugs)))) n xxxxx to ya all
  • colinone
    colinone Member Posts: 1,039
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    NINA perhaps your dad thinks he has something wrong may be an idea to have a chat with him. Take care
    Colin
  • joanlawson
    joanlawson Member Posts: 8,681
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Hi Nina

    I think you have just recently lost a very dear friend of your family, and that might be what is playing on your Dad's mind.
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  • ninakang
    ninakang Member Posts: 1,367
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    Thanks for all your replies. I've since spoken to Dad and it's not that anything is playing on his mind, he's just always been a very practical person and doesn't want us to have any hassle when he's not here anymore.

    I did tell him what Jassie said though and he was quite shocked. He's promised to watch what he says in the future in front of the kids from now on. He agrees with me that it's not fair to put such a burden on such little shoulders.

    I really enjoyed reading everyone's experiences of this as well. Thanks very much.

    Nina X
  • valval
    valval Member Posts: 14,911
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    this one of those things that there is no right or wrong, but if death is never mentioned it can be a big shock on the other hand worrying about the ones they love is no good either. as each child different the answer always different for each. when the time does come it lovely if they get the chance to say good bye i think it kindest did not get chance with my nan as they lived so far away always regreted it did not want to go to funeral but mum made me (was 18) but should not have gone had not eaten for a week and hated every second of it. took me 15 years to go back and see where her ashes were she is always with me when i need her nothing can break that connection not even death . seem to have gone off on a tangent lol sorry
    val
  • tkachev
    tkachev Member Posts: 8,332
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
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    My Nan lived to 100 and one month exactly.So I always tell my children that I could live to 100 and they could too. 100 is a lovely big reassuring number.
    My dad was 65 and had a sudden heart attack so I try to keep as fit as arthritis will allow (which is not very much).Mum went suddenly at 72. But neither lingered or deteriorated before me and for that I am truly grateful.
    Take care all
    Elizabeth xx
    Never be bullied into silence.
    Never allow yourself to be made a victim.
    Accept no ones definition of your life

    Define yourself........

    Harvey Fierstein