Living with my fiancee

msmcgrath Member Posts: 14
Hey everyone, just as a start i'm sorry if i offend or upset. I just need to get some information.

I have a long term partner (Just gone 2years 5months) who suffers with OA, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Daily Headaches, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Nerve Pains. She's incredibly passionate about what she does and I love her more than i ever thought I could.
I myself don't have any problems, but i'm scared alot by what could be in our future. I intend to be a Games Programmer when I finish university, meaning I could spend long hours at the computer or at work finishing my projects.

I suppose I'm scared that i'll have to give up what I enjoy and love to care for her, or that I won't be able to give her what she needs. Even now we have arguments on how she wished I would just be that bit more supportive. And i try... Honestly I do, but I just panic, and worry and then don't think. And, like most men, when I don't think I say and do stupid things.

The biggest argument we've had is that I can't accept what's wrong with her. I mean, I know she has all these conditions, but I don't understand how it affects her properly, or how to best deal with it. It hurts so much to see her in the pain she's in... But I know it must be hurting her much more. *sighs*

Sometimes I find myself wishing I could do things and then realising I can't. Picking her up and carrying her, long hours of just kissing and cuddling... I don't know...

This must seem, selfish perhaps. But know I have no intentions to leave her, she's my world and the reason I breath. I just need to know what could happen as we get older together, ways I can actively help her and, most importantly, to understand her... EVERYTHING about her.

Thank you for any advice you can give me.


  • helpline_team
    helpline_team Posts: 3,024
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hello Michael

    You sound pretty good to me!
    No, seriously, I can hear how difficult and scary this is for you but it does sound as though you are doing well.

    Trying to understand someone else's pain is not easy and often that person finds it difficult to describe their pain. What can be helpful is to learn as much as possible about your partner's conditions. Our website has lots of information but if she already has information, read that. When it talks about pain or problems moving and doing things, ask her if that's what its like for her or if that's what she feels. Ask her what she needs at that time, especially what she needs from you. Don't panic, just ask her to tell you so you can understand her better.

    If her pain makes it difficult to touch her or hold her then find some things to represent 'hugs' or 'kisses'. A small cuddly toy, a cushion, a flower, a note saying 'love' anything that will let her know that it represents the loving contact you would like to give her.

    It's always difficult to predict the course of any type of arthritis but usually the changes are gradual. Look to the future as probably having hurdles to cross but knowing that you will cross each hurdle together and will adapt to whatever lies beyond the hurdle.

    We are here on the helpline for anyone whose life is affected by arthritis - just ring us on the freephone if you want to chat.

    Take care

  • maria09
    maria09 Member Posts: 1,905
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    You both need o be there for each other
    Ive had OA for past 7yrs & if it wasnt for my hubby & kids i dont think id have coped
    I know it isnt easy for either of you
    Stay strong & good luck
  • dorcas
    dorcas Member Posts: 3,515
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Michael,

    I don't have any great words of wisdom for you but wanted to say, having read your post, that I admire your honesty and commitment and bravery in posting to the forum and in seeking solutions to what is a very personal dilemma for both of you.

    You sound like a really decent guy and your love and concern for your partner shines through what you have said in your post..... anyone reading it would know that you are trying to understand your partner's illness and find ways of maintaining your close relationship. It's clear too how you feel and what you are prepared to do to be together. I wondered if you have shared what you have written with your partner? When emotions run high sometimes taking time out to write down and in that way share how you feel is more effective and has greater impact.

    The helpline has already given you some great advice and I wouldn't presume to add anything to what has been said except to urge you to please phone them as they suggested!
    Many of us on the forum (me included) have been greatly helped and supported by them so give the helpline a try!

    In any relationship, with or without arther, no-one gets it right every time.....but talking about worries together helps.
    best of luck. Irisx
  • chile168
    chile168 Member Posts: 384
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Michael,

    You sound so caring and the fact that you have come here shows how much you are supporting your partner.

    I wish I could say it will all be fine but I can't and you know that. I have RA which affects all my joints and in a lot of pain and find myself getting angry with those closest to my heart but not because Im angry at them but frustrated at not being able to do something for myself. I moan about how unsupportive they are being and deep down I know it's not true and do realise the little things they do when I calm down. I also get angry and frustrated because I can't always join in which depresses me.

    I don't always admit how scared I am about my future and perhaps do it more freely on this site as I know others understand but for some reason I can't with those closest to me.

    I hope you both can talk about your worries and concerns because you love her and that shines through and Im sure she does you.

    Wishing you both the very best.

  • msmcgrath
    msmcgrath Member Posts: 14
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thank you everyone for the support.

    I'm not sure if she's seen my post but I know we have talked about such things together recently. I know that my missus does get frustrated at me, and for good reason sometimes. I think for a little too long i've run from everything that's going on between us and it's time I learnt what I could and asked the questions I need too. Which makes me glad this forum is here.

    So thank you again for your support and maybe someday I'll be helping someone my age with the same questions I posted here.

  • dorcas
    dorcas Member Posts: 3,515
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hello again Mike!

    just sending you and the missus some xtra good luck wishes.....
    hope things do continue to get better for you both.

    remember we are always here on the forum to listen and support each other...that's where we get our strength from. so keep in touch and let us know how things are. Irisx