NOT BELIEVED

wendylou
wendylou Member Posts: 88
edited 19. Mar 2010, 11:42 in Living with Arthritis archive
Hi everyone i don't know if anyone else has this trouble with there family, I have OA of the hips and knees and i am in alot of pain and when i go out my hubby pushes me in my wheelchair, but my moan is my eldest son i don't see him much but when he rang me today to wish me happy mothers day i asked him why he does not ring or call in when in the area he said why can't i come down to there's which is a good ride on two busses, i replied to him i cannot get down now, he knows i have Arthritis but i don't think he believe's me or his father how bad i am mean to say i am very upset about this especialy today, i feel i have to produce a Doctors note for proof of how i feel with the pain and tiredness he just does not understand, i am not feeling sorry for myself but just trying to get on with what i have got wrong with me as i have other illnesses e.g high blod pressure angina and asthma. Sorry to go on but what do i have to do he seems very selfish. I am just wondering inthe same boat. :roll: :(:( Wendylou

Comments

  • 09angel11
    09angel11 Member Posts: 87
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Wendylou

    No your not on your own, at least you got a phone call, i do not even get that. Both my grown up children, i do not see at all. My son came last year to see me on my 60th. That was it. There has and still are issues with my children, but not enough space to write about it, or time. . I feel my son does not understand the problems i have, he lives about 40mins away in the car, but when you are in pain, or just feel down, like a wet weekend, he either really does not understand or does not want to, my daughter, well i just wont go there, so no you are not on your own.


    Take care
    Love Monica :)
  • susanjanemoon
    susanjanemoon Member Posts: 28
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    09angel11 wrote:
    Hi Wendylou

    No your not on your own, at least you got a phone call, i do not even get that. Both my grown up children, i do not see at all. My son came last year to see me on my 60th. That was it. There has and still are issues with my children, but not enough space to write about it, or time. . I feel my son does not understand the problems i have, he lives about 40mins away in the car, but when you are in pain, or just feel down, like a wet weekend, he either really does not understand or does not want to, my daughter, well i just wont go there, so no you are not on your own.


    Take care
    Love Monica :)
    Hi, Wow im not alone, although its not my daughter, I know she sympathises with me, but its others. When I had to start using crutches people used to say ' god its not that bad' but because there is no pyhsical differences there is nothing to see. But the pain is unbelievable at times People please do not judge. Susan
  • martina
    martina Member Posts: 14
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    wendylou wrote:
    Hi everyone i don't know if anyone else has this trouble with there family, I have OA of the hips and knees and i am in alot of pain and when i go out my hubby pushes me in my wheelchair, but my moan is my eldest son i don't see him much but when he rang me today to wish me happy mothers day i asked him why he does not ring or call in when in the area he said why can't i come down to there's which is a good ride on two busses, i replied to him i cannot get down now, he knows i have Arthritis but i don't think he believe's me or his father how bad i am mean to say i am very upset about this especialy today, i feel i have to produce a Doctors note for proof of how i feel with the pain and tiredness he just does not understand, i am not feeling sorry for myself but just trying to get on with what i have got wrong with me as i have other illnesses e.g high blod pressure angina and asthma. Sorry to go on but what do i have to do he seems very selfish. I am just wondering inthe same boat. :roll: :(:( Wendylou
    HI why is it we tourment ourselves like this illness doesnt hurt enough .dont upset yourself so much,i had to watch my mother get ill and it hurt me and i didnt understand now the shoes on the other foot i now know and understand the pain she went through.All i can say is when the kids do visit just let them know you love them and dont forget if you cant visit post ,email,phone keep in touch.All the best arthur makes me angry sometimes and it will make them angry to (something i had to understand) sending hugs wish i could hold my mother today (long story) too best wishes martina
  • valval
    valval Member Posts: 14,911
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    hi i find this thread very sad, but perhaps they just can not face that you r not as fit as they wish you were i know i see my mum getting older and it scares me but would not miss seeing her . i am sure they will mature enough one of these days to see how selfish they r being. hugs for all those who need them and fingers r crossed that your loved ones grow up before it is to late you only live once and it a shame to mess it up.
    val
  • bubbles
    bubbles Member Posts: 6,508
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Wendylou
    Sometimes people just don't want to, or cannot understand what arthritis sufferers go through. It is a bit like the ostrich in the sand, if you cannot see it, it isn't there. Sometimes I feel like carrying x- rays around with me, when people say "hi, you look well" :roll: and wonder why you are struggling to stay upright while you are talking to them. "what's with the stick"? was one comment from a person I had not seen in a long time. The temptation to hit them with it was very strong. :x

    I too have chronic heart problems and unstable angina, again, you cannot see that a persons coronary arteries are blocked. If we all had an eye on the end of our nose, they would say, ah bless, how dreadful for you. Difficult as it is, people live their lives with blinkers on, often not knowing what to say or do, so they say and do nothing, which makes you feel dreadful. It isn't pity we want, it is a simple understanding.
    Big Hugs
    Bubbles xx
    XX Aidan (still known as Bubbles).
  • trisher
    trisher Member Posts: 9,263
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi

    When our children say things like that, I sometimes wonder if it is because they cannot bare the thought that we have medical issues and they themselves don't know how to cope or what to say.

    There are others who don't think either how much of a strain it is for the person who now cannot get about now.
  • penfactor
    penfactor Member Posts: 366
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hello Wendylou
    My heart really goes out to you - I'm sure what the others have said is true - your son feels helpless & is scared he doesn't know how to help you. Have you tried maybe writing him a lovely letter telling him how much you love him & don't expect him to be able to make the pain go away but just to give you a big hug & a smile.
    Put down how difficult each day is & how hard it is to move around now - sometimes it is easier to write these things & also easier for the person reading to really take it all in & understand better.
    Sending you much love & hoping you get to see your boy soon
    love Pennie X
  • suzster
    suzster Member Posts: 1,328
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Wendylou
    i really know where you are coming from, i am struggling at the moment and find my family don't understand what arthur does to us all.
    it is so sad that the invisibility of arthur maens people just don't understand.
    if we all has plaster casts on or obvious broken bones then people could see our problems!
    it's arthur t.shirts we need!!!
    sue
  • only49
    only49 Member Posts: 1,207
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    wendylou wrote:
    Hi everyone i don't know if anyone else has this trouble with there family, I have OA of the hips and knees and i am in alot of pain and when i go out my hubby pushes me in my wheelchair, but my moan is my eldest son i don't see him much but when he rang me today to wish me happy mothers day i asked him why he does not ring or call in when in the area he said why can't i come down to there's which is a good ride on two busses, i replied to him i cannot get down now, he knows i have Arthritis but i don't think he believe's me or his father how bad i am mean to say i am very upset about this especialy today, i feel i have to produce a Doctors note for proof of how i feel with the pain and tiredness he just does not understand, i am not feeling sorry for myself but just trying to get on with what i have got wrong with me as i have other illnesses e.g high blod pressure angina and asthma. Sorry to go on but what do i have to do he seems very selfish. I am just wondering inthe same boat. :roll: :(:( Wendylou
    hi i know how you feel, you bring your kids up the best way you can and then when you really could do with some support there not bothered or dont even care , you dont need to worry we all here for you, i must amit from the point of view of family i can understand how you feel as i have OA in my knees and i lucky i got a very good support from my hubby abut sadly i cant rely on my family on my side as i also have a son who has specail needs and as he now 14 they have never been there for me so now i come to realise its there loss not mine, and i think that whats the point in getting upset about them and the lack of support as it will never happen so now i decided to do whats best for me and if it means i dont talk to them then so be it, not ideal but sometimes you just have to put yourself first and rely on the people that do understand and the help and support they will give.
    we do all know in this group what we have to put up with on a daily basis and i do think that is a very good thing, like our own little safe world.

    from sylvia
    sylvia :)stern02.gif
  • elnafinn
    elnafinn Member Posts: 7,412
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    There are many reasons why people have trouble and upsets with their family not understanding/being unsympathetic. I believe that until one has actually experienced a trauma, pain, a loss, whatever it may be, it is difficult to completely understand what someone is going through and how much others can mean to you. People do like to talk and others often do not listen. I am a listener and have learnt much from doing this and also with age and what I myself have experienced or with others close to me. My heart goes out to everyone who experiences upset and misunderstanding within their family.

    Luv
    Elna x
    The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything.

    If you can lay down at night knowing in your heart that you made someone's day just a little bit better, you know you had a good day.
  • snowball
    snowball Member Posts: 3,465
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Wendylou i am so sorry about how you are feeling right now. My eldest son sometimes gets frustrated and at first i thought he was angry with me but hes not its what my r/a is doing to me that sometimes makes him angry.
    I have lost most of my friends because of my r/a i try to explain that sometimes i can't get out because of arther but its like others on here have said if they can't see it then theres nothing wron
    Sending you a ((((hug))))
    Julie
    ((((hugs)))) n xxxxx to ya all
  • tanith
    tanith Member Posts: 175
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I have O/A and suffer , but I remember when my parents were getting older with aches and pains and I had a young family and a hectic life I felt immensley guilty because I didn't have the time to listen to my Mum go through her list of aches and pains every day (which she did) and I also felt guilty that I didn't have enough hours in the day to look after myself and my family let alone spend time with my parents.. I did what I could at the time but I vowed I would not do the same to my own children... so although they know I struggle sometimes I don't give them a blow by blow rundown of all the things that are wrong when I see or speak to them... I try to avoid the subject and ask how they or the grandchildren are instead...
    Its difficult if people aren't sympathetic I just wonder if anyone else feels as I do..
    Our worst times are always our best lessons.
  • martina
    martina Member Posts: 14
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    tanith wrote:
    I have O/A and suffer , but I remember when my parents were getting older with aches and pains and I had a young family and a hectic life I felt immensley guilty because I didn't have the time to listen to my Mum go through her list of aches and pains every day (which she did) and I also felt guilty that I didn't have enough hours in the day to look after myself and my family let alone spend time with my parents.. I did what I could at the time but I vowed I would not do the same to my own children... so although they know I struggle sometimes I don't give them a blow by blow rundown of all the things that are wrong when I see or speak to them... I try to avoid the subject and ask how they or the grandchildren are instead...
    Its difficult if people aren't sympathetic I just wonder if anyone else feels as I do..
    Hi i most def do and did,although i cared for my mother loads you become very drained by it all not all of us can cope,although i did on my own for many years.My family turned there back on me for a diffrent reason altogether over 6 years ago now and although i miss them i dont miss the constant moaning and hardwork (my mother was a difficult patient).Now for the last 18mths my disability is very limited and i keep it from my children lots even from my partner(to a degree).My car blew up sunday and i dont think life could be any lower for me,but i keep it inside always aware of how my mother made me feel (am i the only one who crys when writing)Without this site knowing your not the only one is a comfort THANKYOU TO YOU ALL BEST WISHES martina
  • denpen
    denpen Member Posts: 389
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Wendylou
    It is hard for people to understand what arthur does to us because they cant see it they dont understand it. I too have OA Jaw, Neck, Shoulder, Hips, Knees, Ankles. So I know the pain. I dont complain very often as I just have to get on with it and go to work, do the housework, etc etc, because my husband is disabled and cant do much so people always ask how he is and dont bother about me which makes me very frustrated at times, but like I said no point complaining nobody is interested in my problems, unless you come on here and get some wonderful support from others in the same boat and very often worse and yet still so supportive.
    Anyway what I wanted to say was -
    Cant you get a hip replacement, surely if you are in a wheelchair you must be ready for one? what has your consultant said?
    Hey and at least he rang you so thats worth something.
    Denise.
  • sharmaine
    sharmaine Member Posts: 1,638
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Wendy

    It saddened me to read your posting but it's a story I've heard before. People who don't have this condition have very little understanding of the pain and discomfort it causes. It has an impact on your life and mobility.
    My mother and grandmother both suffered from arthritis and when I was younger I didn't really understand what they were going through. I used to rub my grandmother's arthritis hands and do all her correspondence for her . I helped my mum around the house and rubbed her legs when she was in pain. I have more understanding and sympathy now that I have it.

    I honestly think there should be a tv programme about this condition so that everyone is aware of how disabling it is. We hear so much about other conditions but very little about arthritis.

    You should get your son to take you to your next appointment with your consultant - maybe then he will understand.

    In the meantime I hope that your son makes more of an effort, I don't think children really understand what it means to be a parent until they have children of their own.

    Regards
    Sharmaine



    wendylou wrote:
    Hi everyone i don't know if anyone else has this trouble with there family, I have OA of the hips and knees and i am in alot of pain and when i go out my hubby pushes me in my wheelchair, but my moan is my eldest son i don't see him much but when he rang me today to wish me happy mothers day i asked him why he does not ring or call in when in the area he said why can't i come down to there's which is a good ride on two busses, i replied to him i cannot get down now, he knows i have Arthritis but i don't think he believe's me or his father how bad i am mean to say i am very upset about this especialy today, i feel i have to produce a Doctors note for proof of how i feel with the pain and tiredness he just does not understand, i am not feeling sorry for myself but just trying to get on with what i have got wrong with me as i have other illnesses e.g high blod pressure angina and asthma. Sorry to go on but what do i have to do he seems very selfish. I am just wondering inthe same boat. :roll: :(:( Wendylou
  • happymegs
    happymegs Member Posts: 27
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi, I'm new here but wanted to say please don't take this the wrong way cos I'm guilty of doing this myself, :oops: do you welcome your son with a "I hurt etc" or do you say how much you miss him and are so happy to hear his voice and ask how he's getting on with life? remind him of the funny things he did when he was young :)

    Sometimes as I said I can moan too much and family get sick of a moaner!
    They want the old mum/wife etc. back and if you can make the odd phonecall to him with a smile in your voice and a bit of light hearted banter then maybe he'll come round ? He'll think that's my mum! she's back! how I've missed her, I hope?

    Hope I've not been too pushy in my first time on here? But I feel for you.
  • wendylou
    wendylou Member Posts: 88
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    sharmaine wrote:
    Hi Wendy

    It saddened me to read your posting but it's a story I've heard before. People who don't have this condition have very little understanding of the pain and discomfort it causes. It has an impact on your life and mobility.
    My mother and grandmother both suffered from arthritis and when I was younger I didn't really understand what they were going through. I used to rub my grandmother's arthritis hands and do all her correspondence for her . I helped my mum around the house and rubbed her legs when she was in pain. I have more understanding and sympathy now that I have it.

    I honestly think there should be a tv programme about this condition so that everyone is aware of how disabling it is. We hear so much about other conditions but very little about arthritis.

    You should get your son to take you to your next appointment with your consultant - maybe then he will understand.

    In the meantime I hope that your son makes more of an effort, I don't think children really understand what it means to be a parent until they have children of their ow.

    Regards
    Sharmaine Hi he does have two children of his own but he's so selfish I dont't go on about my illnesses we haven't had a fall out or nothing all i want is for him to pick the phone up and say hello my other son always rings to see if were ok, i don't want nothing of him just a little thought know and again after all he is my eldest and i love all of them the same. He expects me to run around afer them but doese't understand whats wrong with me and never even asks, as i said he's that selfish, I am just going to leave him to his ignorance i can't afford to get upset anymore because of my blood pressure so thanks for youre concern my regards to you and all. :) Wendylou.



    wendylou wrote:
    Hi everyone i don't know if anyone else has this trouble with there family, I have OA of the hips and knees and i am in alot of pain and when i go out my hubby pushes me in my wheelchair, but my moan is my eldest son i don't see him much but when he rang me today to wish me happy mothers day i asked him why he does not ring or call in when in the area he said why can't i come down to there's which is a good ride on two busses, i replied to him i cannot get down now, he knows i have Arthritis but i don't think he believe's me or his father how bad i am mean to say i am very upset about this especialy today, i feel i have to produce a Doctors note for proof of how i feel with the pain and tiredness he just does not understand, i am not feeling sorry for myself but just trying to get on with what i have got wrong with me as i have other illnesses e.g high blod pressure angina and asthma. Sorry to go on but what do i have to do he seems very selfish. I am just wondering inthe same boat. :roll: :(:( Wendylou
  • sharmaine
    sharmaine Member Posts: 1,638
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Wendy

    It's only natural that you feel so upset...I would too. You are wise not to let it upset you. You can't be expected to be running around here there and everywhere when you're feeling so poorly. Hopefully your son will be more sympathetic and make more of an effort. There's a saying that goes "Mother's lose their son's when they get married and have a family of their own". My MIL only has sons and I really try and be there for her. My SIL treats her appallingly and it makes me angry. She more or less expects my MIL to drop everything to babysit for her. She didn't even once consider that my MIL was in pain due before and after a double hip operation and could barely look after her own home.



    Warmest regards
    Sharmaine
    wendylou wrote:
    sharmaine wrote:
    Hi Wendy

    It saddened me to read your posting but it's a story I've heard before. People who don't have this condition have very little understanding of the pain and discomfort it causes. It has an impact on your life and mobility.
    My mother and grandmother both suffered from arthritis and when I was younger I didn't really understand what they were going through. I used to rub my grandmother's arthritis hands and do all her correspondence for her . I helped my mum around the house and rubbed her legs when she was in pain. I have more understanding and sympathy now that I have it.

    I honestly think there should be a tv programme about this condition so that everyone is aware of how disabling it is. We hear so much about other conditions but very little about arthritis.

    You should get your son to take you to your next appointment with your consultant - maybe then he will understand.

    In the meantime I hope that your son makes more of an effort, I don't think children really understand what it means to be a parent until they have children of their ow.

    Regards
    Sharmaine Hi he does have two children of his own but he's so selfish I dont't go on about my illnesses we haven't had a fall out or nothing all i want is for him to pick the phone up and say hello my other son always rings to see if were ok, i don't want nothing of him just a little thought know and again after all he is my eldest and i love all of them the same. He expects me to run around afer them but doese't understand whats wrong with me and never even asks, as i said he's that selfish, I am just going to leave him to his ignorance i can't afford to get upset anymore because of my blood pressure so thanks for youre concern my regards to you and all. :) Wendylou.



    wendylou wrote:
    Hi everyone i don't know if anyone else has this trouble with there family, I have OA of the hips and knees and i am in alot of pain and when i go out my hubby pushes me in my wheelchair, but my moan is my eldest son i don't see him much but when he rang me today to wish me happy mothers day i asked him why he does not ring or call in when in the area he said why can't i come down to there's which is a good ride on two busses, i replied to him i cannot get down now, he knows i have Arthritis but i don't think he believe's me or his father how bad i am mean to say i am very upset about this especialy today, i feel i have to produce a Doctors note for proof of how i feel with the pain and tiredness he just does not understand, i am not feeling sorry for myself but just trying to get on with what i have got wrong with me as i have other illnesses e.g high blod pressure angina and asthma. Sorry to go on but what do i have to do he seems very selfish. I am just wondering inthe same boat. :roll: :(:( Wendylou