Being a partner

msmcgrath

Hey all,

I'm dating a wonderful, beautiful girl. However she has OA, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Daily Headaches, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Nerve Pains. Quite a mix of different syndromes. I do my best to support her but find myself not quite knowing what to do sometimes.

What would you expect or want from your partner? Would you want them to be able to do things automatically or do you want to ask. I'm just looking for a little support on the matter to help her out as much as I can.

Thank you in advance, I know you're quick on replies here.

Michael x

angel1

Hey Michael, What a caring person you are. Your lovely girl is one lucky lady.

We can all tell you what WE think you should do for her, but, you know, I feel it would be better if the two of you sat down quietly together, and thrashed this out. One person`s needs are not always those of another. As with any form of illness, communication is the most important factor. Encourage her to tell you what would help, or when it would be best for you to back off.

I wish you both all the love and the luck in the world, and, with your attitude, you won`t go far wrong.........Ange.

only49

hi Michael, listen too her and support her and be there for her no matter what and let her know she not coping alone with this and remember she will have more bad days sometimes than good days but its more than likely when she bad tempered and grumpy like we all sometimes get she might well be struggling and suffering and don't like to ask for help

sylvia

valval

hi talk to her as people have said and ask if she would like you to do (what ever it is) but remember we all like a cup of tea/coffee making for us and a gentle hug on bad days good luck you sound a very nice person so you should be happy together.

kerrycc

Hello

Just by understanding what she is going through it a massive help I think. If she feels tired, just let her rest. For me its not the help that takes away my independance I need, its more the emotional support which sounds like you are already doing. You do sound like you understand so like the others have said, you won't go far wrong. Good luck xx

speedalong

Aren't you a lovely chap! Do you have any brothers???!!!

By finding out about her condition you are a good way to understanding how she will be affected by it.

The advice over when to help - ie sit down and ask her is sound advice. I like people to help when they can see I'm struggling - but not to take over. How much pain I'm in affects how much I'm prepared to struggle/how much help I would like.

Good advice re grumpiness - obviously us with arther aren't saints and we can be grumpy for the same reasons as non-arther sufferers - but pain does lower our tolerance, as does lack of sleep and so if she is irritable, don't take it personally.

Distraction and fun are great.

I wish you both well.

Speedalong

suncatcher

How lucky is she to have you! Be a good listener, talk to her, learn as much as you can about her conditions. She will ask for help when she needs it im sure. Be there for her on her bad days.Show you care. and you are welcome to pop in on the forum anytime and your lovely lady also from joanne

msmcgrath

Thank you everyone for the advice. It's a little hard to sit down and talk about these things as i'm currently living 400 miles away in Scotland. Damned Universities.

But I honestly thought I wasn't doing enough, from what you've said all I really need to do is really research into the different conditions she has to really understand her more.

and Speedalong:
"Aren't you a lovely chap! Do you have any brothers???!!!"

Indeed I do have a brother. But he's my polar opposite so he wouldn't be much use i'm afraid! ^^

valval

sorry you r so far apart but the time you have together enjoy even if it just a cuddle on a cold day . listen and let her moan when she needs to it hard with those with you day in and day out as you do not even like to admit it to yourself let alone some one else.

zechariah

Hi

I have OA and chronic fatigue syndrome, firstly good for you, some people see someone with an illness and automatically rule them out as partner material!

It is difficult being a partner of someone who is very ill, I always think that although I am quite disabled that my wife has the tougher time (I am not trying to scare you off), it is a fine balance, sometimes Donna does things for me and I am very grateful and sometimes if I am feeling down I can snap and sa y things like " I am not a cripple", I dont mean it, I am just struggling!

Sit down with her and ask, discuss what help she needs, what she can do for herself and what she "should" be doing for herself!

REMEMBER "love conquers all"

sharmaine

Hi Michael

How very considerate you are. I am lucky that my hubby is so caring - he reads me very well and just knows when I'm having a rough time. I'm rather stubborn and tend to fight until the bitter end!! Good communication is the key and just ask her if she needs help. That's a good place to start. Living with pain everyday is not easy.

I hope your relationship continues to grow from stronger.d Just listen to her and soon you'll know the signs. Continue being supportive, caring, helpful and understanding.

Sharmaine

msmcgrath wrote:

Hey all,

I'm dating a wonderful, beautiful girl. However she has OA, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Daily Headaches, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Nerve Pains. Quite a mix of different syndromes. I do my best to support her but find myself not quite knowing what to do sometimes.

What would you expect or want from your partner? Would you want them to be able to do things automatically or do you want to ask. I'm just looking for a little support on the matter to help her out as much as I can.

Thank you in advance, I know you're quick on replies here.

Michael x

cthornley

Wow Michael...if she ever gets bored of you can I have you!!!

My husband only got to grips with my RA whilst I was pregnant and he was being told how difficult & painful it was by other medical professionals (he’s a cardio doc) he later told me that when we were first dating 10yrs ago he thought that I was exaggerating it all !!!! grrr after all i'm not ' dying' as he put it :x

Listening, supporting and pulling her through the hard times oh and don’t forget to tell her regularly how beautiful she is...when i’m poorly I get really down on how I look (this was esp bad when i was at uni...red swollen joints don’t really go with mini skirts & clubbing and I always saw them as far worse than anybody else)

msmcgrath

She is stunning to me. And I always make sure she knows that... She's the same, convinced she's not pretty when she really is. That a-side.

Sadly I think you'll be waiting for a long time for me. I love my missus so much, so i'm not going -anywhere- in a hurry ^^

I think next time I don't know what to do the best choice, as advised by everyone so far ^^, is to just ask. She might snap at me for it but it's better than me doing the wrong thing/nothing at all and upsetting her more.

bubbles

Hi Michael, I can only reiterate what others have said, to help when you see your partner struggling to cope with something, but, we all try and hang on to our independence and guard it quite fiercely at times. Partners wil often try to wrap their loved ones in cotton wool, but that can be stifling, so giving someone their own space and time is important too, vice versa for the person who is the main carer, their life changes too and we mustn't forget that, they live at our pace and adapting can be frustrating on both sides.

I guess that is human nature and sometimes we don't like to admit that we cannot do a task.

I know it infuriates me, I sneak off and try and do something, then end up almost on the floor and my OH saying, why didn't you ask me to do that. It is just striking a balance really. There are some hidden gems in this world and you sound to be straight from the diamond mine. XX Bubbles

pluggathome

Hi Michael

What a great post to see.

I have RA, chronic fatige(at times) IBS and suffer from migraines. Sometimes my hubby does not know what to do for me, or with himself for that matter, when the wheels come off.

Your approach I think is spot on. Find out information for yourself but then talk as we are all different.

My dad has RA and a list of other stuff and as a child/teenager, I used to do one thing that drove him barmy, ask him if he was ok a billion times a day. I'm now on the receiving end of that, wish I'd taken the time to talk to my dad to understand better. Communication is key.

If there is something you can't/won'task your partner, don't understand etc then here is a good starting point. Some amazing guys on here with lots of different problems and we are happy to help when we can.

Plugg

woodbon

Hello,
As all the others have said, you sound a such a kind and caring person.

I also agree that the only person who can tell you what she needs is your partner. We all react to pain and illness in different ways, but I think, just by asking her how you can help, when she is relaxed, on a good day, she will be so touched and thankful. Sometimes, you have to except that she may just want you to be there for her, or hardest of all, leave her to rest and give her some quiet space, but thats all you can do, listen to her, and except that you will sometimes need to give her space, as I'm sure you will.
Good luck to both of you, Sue