That's it - I'm Done with Parties

dreamdaisy

Yesterday The Husband (TH) and I went to a friend's 50th birthday bash, a BBQ. There were about forty people there, and I knew at least twenty of them - and have known them for the same number of years. We were all in our very late twenties/early thirties then - you can do the math!

It was raining and very cold. We clustered in Gary's double garage, near the beer obviously, while the marquee, set up for dining in part of his garden, flapped mournfully in the wind. I was driving, so stuck to coke. TH got stuck into the first of many, many beers (choice of Black Sheep or Wherry for the cognoscenti amongst you). Everyone clustered in little groups, yakking away, catching up. I can stand for about two minutes then the knees, ankles and feet start protesting so I have to sit.

And sit I did, on my own at the back of the garage. Other chairs were there, but others didn't need to sit. I sat and looked at all my old friends and mused on how their lives had changed in the past twenty years, and how mine has changed too. TH was attentive, bless him, but he needs time away from me and all the junk that comes with me. He brought me glass after glass of liquid sugar, and when it was time to eat he brought me food (and very good it was too). I chatted to some people then, because we were all sitting in the marquee, and they told me all about their skiing trips and how 'you really must try it Lizzie, it's SO MUCH FUN!', oblivious to the crutches stacked behind me. I smile and nod and say all the right things but inside I'm screaming 'You utter moron! I can't walk without stabilisers 'cos my knees are shot - how the hell can I attempt sliding down a mountain?' Skiing is one of the many things that have gone: cycling, dancing, walking hand-in-hand with TH, these things don't happen anymore, but my friends carry on, doing those things, 'cos their lives haven't changed.

I am an only child and I don't mind my own company, apart from when we are at a party. It seems rude to take a book, or plug myself into my MP3 because parties are sociable things, but I can't do sociable like I used. So, no more parties. I am not done with them, rather they are done with me.

If you have been, thanks for reading. Dreamdaisy

bertyboy

oh dear Dreamdaisy i know that feeling , people can and do get so caught up with things that they dont look in side the person they are talking to , but just you think of all the support and compassion you can give others that are just getting to know ARTHER and his many changing moods , and maybe one day it might be one of these friends xxxxxxx caring huggs xxxxxxxx

valval

dream daisy what a selfish lot of friends you have for none of them to come over and talk to you shows how selfish they are and i do hope they fall off there skis when they are on crutches see how they like it even if theres will be short term. i would never leave some one sat on there own always circulate and natter to every one . to be honest never have liked parties to much noise and hustle and bustle lol

skezier

Hi Dreamdaisy,

I'm another who knows that feeling....... don't stop going though cus I did and have actually become quite a hermit now......... I not only withdrew from polite society I with drew from life! Some of that happened when i lost my partner but the bulk was when I got injure and basically was very immobile.

It kinda worked for me but I know now I was just being very withdrawn and scared of people. I don't get lonely cus I never am alone but some days I know how withdrawn I am. So maybe you could do dinner patties and quiet socialising now?

Hey a friend from here and I are going to one day have a rave here! I really would love to have a huge great headbanging thumping base line rave and anyone could come............ Long as they are nice and not aggressive thugs...... At a rave what are the chances Have a good bank holiday. Cris

tkachev

Me too Lizzie DD
Before R.A hit me the OH and I used to go out a lot.We would do our own thing, circulate with various friends and pass each other by like ships in the night.
So now when we go out he continues to do the same but of course I am left sitting in abandoned at a table.Thankfully since my THR I have started to circulate again in small doses.
Of course with an autistic son we have a double whammy so even small social gatherings such a s bbq end up in disagreements...he drinks I am left trying to catch Mr Houdini, my son.
You sit down you hurt, You stand up you hurt but nobody can see what you are going thru,
Elizabeth

angel1

For years I was the world`s biggest people pleaser. Not any more. If I know that going somewhere, or doing something is going to cause me pain, emotionally, or physically.....I don`t go. I don`t do it.

In your case Lizzie, I would guess that you hide the extent of your disabilities, behind that massive sense of humour of yours, and confuse the issue. And, why not, if that`s what works for you.........Ange.

dreamdaisy

Thanks for your support. I know they weren't being deliberately thoughtless but it just brings it home to me so much more. They have no idea what it's like or how fortunate they are. I do get cross when they start telling me what I should be doing re exercise and going out etc - I have one particularly bossy friend who is very good at that, but as soon as even a little thing goes wrong in her life she falls apart. She couldn't cope with arthritis that's for sure! One does end up being excluded from all sorts of things and anyway, I know what to do now. Take The Husband, come home and amuse myself, then fetch him when he rings. Seems a good compromise to me, and I hope he agrees. Cheering up a little now - a bout of self-pity does you good, but it mustn't be a habit! Hope you're all having a marvellous Monday. I'm off to put the heating on. DD

mellman01

Sadly this kind of thing has happened to me, normally though as the day goes by I normally get accosted by a piss head who then berates me about my lack of visible signs of OA, they normally they go on about I must be putting it on or just feeling sorry for myself, no s%$t!, sorry dreamdaisy and others I seem to have some more pressure left in me spleen!.

oneday

i would have said in serious (but actually meaning scarcastic)mode that i wonder if ski manufactures could attach my crutches to the ski poles....then look at their gormless looking faces as realisation sets in....
usually at similiar events i have been to i usually get talking to people i havent met before more than the people i actually know wheras i know some people only stick to ones they know.

mellman01

Where is that then delboy?.

dreamdaisy

What a good idea P&F - I'll remember that! Thank you. DD

livinglegend

Don't hide your crutches behind you, keep them out front so that you can hit anyone who is insensitive over the head with them.

At parties, some people like to sit at the back and be quiet for a time away from all the chatter. Could you have asked for a couple of chairs to be moved to a better position at the front? Above all, don't cut yourself off and deprive all those lovely friends of the joy of your company.

Joseph 8)

trisher

Hi Dreamdaisy

I fully understand how you feel. I'm confined to a wheelchair.

I had so many friends but as I became more disabled, then less friends I had. They would plan things to do which I could not so I did not go.
One day I decided to plan a trip out which I could do but it was hard for them.

Well. one by one they rang to say they could not go. That was the day I let go of those friends.

I made some new friends that had the same disabilties as I had. As the years went on they married and moved or they moved with their families.

I'm not unhappy, my marriage lasted where some of my former friends divorsed.

I have a a son and also a beautiful grandson whom I adore.My DIL is like a daughter to me. I have made a lot of friends on here too. When I'm well enough I go on nice holidays too.

I'm happy almost all the time. I also have the best hubby I could have too.
What more coulde I ask for?

I know it is a shame when your friends don't stop to think.

Mostly people don't realise what it is like until it happens to them.

Love Trish xxx

pluggathome

Hi all

This last week I have for the first time decided to stay in because of arthur.

I can't drink anymore, but no matter, I do not need it to have a good time.

I can't dance like a loon like I used too which I miss.

Am ok standing around, but not for hours, but you are on constant alert for anyone who might knock you.

So once I weighed it all up, it just wasn't worth it.


I only have one friend, and I now use that term loosely, that has been totally selfish in their approach to our socialising. I gave them a heads up that i might not be able to make our planned meal, 6 days in advance, and she hounded me for confirmation on whether I would make it. In the end I just cancelled. I was ok so could have gone but for the fact that she had no patience.

She has not bothered to contact me since then, obviously she only wants friends that dance to her tune.

It is sad, but I do have some amazing friends who i would give a kidney to if needed who always always take arthur into consideration.

Pluggxx

suncatcher

Im sorry you felt a little out of things people dont realize what we go through. dont let it stop you going to partys though.
My daughters teacher is always going on about me going on skates how he would love to teach me. I have told him about My ra but he dont understand. Could you imagine skates
You think of the good things like seeing all your friends at the party. from joanne

annie_mial

Oh lord - when I looked at the title earlier I thought you said you were done with pilates! So only checked it properly now.

Stopped doing parties some years ago, never anywhere to sit down, often ended sitting on the stairs. Got fed up and refused to go in the end.

Annie

dreamdaisy

Thank you all for your comments. Living legend - what a lovely start to a Tuesday for me, thank you for the compliment!

Trisher - your words rang true. I have very happy marriage and I'm not really that much of a malcontent - it was just a rough day I suppose. Getting stuck on their ridiculously low loo didn't help either!

I agree Plugg, you find out who your real friends are - our best friends went out and bought a raised loo seat for me so I don't have to take my own. That's friendship. There was also another comment from someone whose name I cannot remember, saying that I probably hide the extent of everything behind humour. I do, and that is my greatest strength. It's the humour that gets me thro. Only occasionally does it fail. Dreamdaisy

tillytop

Hi DreamDaisy - can't add anything to what has already been said except to say that I'm sorry you had such a horrible time. I think I'm right in saying that it's tomorrow you finally get your next Humira fix - hope it works properly this time and that you finally get some relief. Take care. TIllyx