When Insults Had Class

joanlawson

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."


A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

tkachev

Thankyou Joan that was wonderful and made me laugh!

Elizabeth

ninakang

I loved these and also any put down that Blackadder ever uttered in any of the series.

Nx

joanlawson

I'm glad you like these. Here's some Blackadder ones:

"Baldrick, your brain is like the four headed, man-eating haddock fish beast of Aberdeen"
"In what way? "
"It doesn't exist "

"I don't take kindly to insults"
"Funny, with a face like yours, I'd have thought you'd be used to it by now."

"I want my mother."
"Ah, yes Baldrick. A maternally crazed gorilla would come in handy at this very moment."

P: I must say, Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your breakfast before the rigours of the day begin.
E: Well, it is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that, through learned discourse, he may rise above the savage and closer to God.
P: Yes, I've heard that.
E: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.

frogmorton

Very good All of you

ninakang

I remember all those Blackadder quotes, Joan, I'm a complete Blackadder geek Here's my favourite:

He's mad! He's madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of last year's Mr Madman competition!

And also a couple more I've just thought of:

Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Me ending our long and valued friendship by cutting you into long strips and telling your mother you had the misfotune to walk over a cattle grid in a very heavy hat?

Baldrick, is it just me, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marchimg with ill-deserved confidence towards this conversation?

You ride a horse slightly less well than another horse would.


I can quote most episodes word for word but won't bore you with them!

Nx

suncatcher

Its funny when insults cheer you up. these did im not sure what that says about me now. I think i admire the intellect in thinking these up. These are truly magnifisant put downs. Thanks joan for sharing insults from joanne

joanlawson

I wish I could think of such clever put-downs at the right time. I always think of what I could have said to someone if they have been rude or done something annoying when it is too late.

I did once manage to say to a woman who had been very rude to me, ''Two words for you spring to mind: Battle and Axe''. It took her a minute to work it out, but then the penny dropped, much to my satisfaction :!:

tarasmygirl

joanlawson wrote:

I wish I could think of such clever put-downs at the right time. I always think of what I could have said to someone if they have been rude or done something annoying when it is too late.

I did once manage to say to a woman who had been very rude to me, ''Two words for you spring to mind: Battle and Axe''. It took her a minute to work it out, but then the penny dropped, much to my satisfaction :!:

Hi Joan

I like that. other good phrases for telling people to leave you aloneare
Foxtrot Oscar - think about i t lol
and the second word is Off Figure out the first one.


thanks to everyone for the laughs

Cath

livinglegend

"If you were good at your job, you wouldn't be working here".

"The essence of wit is speed, a snail would be hilarious compared to you".

To a delivery guy who complained that he had to knock on my door. "So, I really should get a doorbell, put it at eye height and right in the middle of the doorway to make it easy to see, complete with a big blue button in the centre, which when you press it, it plays a pretty tune? Just like this one......." as I pressed our doorbell. Works for me!

Joseph 8)

loopylou

joseph loved that one!
that definately goes in the when insults have class category!

dreamdaisy

Dorothy Parker, what a gal. She met another lady (in a doorway) who didn't like her. The lady stepped back and gestured DP thro with the words 'Age before beauty.' DP sailed past, with the riposte 'Pearls before swine.' Perfect. DD

tonesp

I cant remember who said this about whom.But I love it
"She ran the full gamut of emotions from A to B

joanlawson

Hi Tone

I'd forgotten this thread :!: It was Dorothy Parker writing in Vogue:

Katharine Hepburn delivered a striking performance that ran the gamut of emotions, from A to B.

ninakang

I don't often think of witty things to say at the right time, but I do very good "stern" looks - my girls and the people I work with all say so.

When we went to a family party in Germany in May, one of the managers at work was asking me all about it and said "Oh, cool, so did you get all dressed up and do that Bollywood dancing?" He then proceeded to imitate someone doing what he thought was Bollywood dancing. I stood there and watched him with a straight face until he eventually stopped, laughing, and then said "Have you finished?"

Nx