Relationship

zimmerman

Hi All,

Was diagnosed in Jan 08 and it seems everything has gone downhill so fast regarding my relationship with my partner who i have been with for 20yrs. In november 09 i was also diagnosed with Fibromyalgia on top. Am taking all my meds like a good boy but my partner doesn't seem in the slightest bit interested. We have two children 11, 3 and she works full time and is constantly tired. I guess what i am asking for has anyone else been though this.

Zimmie

tkachev

Hi Zimmerman.
At first my partner carried on as normal, work followed by hours round his mates houses. I got fed up calling him home every night.I had just had our son and had a toddler too. It took many years for him to realise how hard everything was for me.
Now I think hes pretty fed up with our social life being so difficult. I do get stupid comments sometimes and find these very upsetting. At the moment I found I am sarcastic in anticipation of his comments and lack of help. I dont think anyone really understands only those who have gone through it themselves.
Some peeps on here have lovely relationships and very supportive partners.
Elizabeth

cthornley

Hi Zimmie
some people on here are very fortunate to have very supportive and understanding partners, some of us less so.

Don't get me wrong I have a great hubby but he never has really got the RA.
He is a dr in another specialty so doesn't do empathy or sympathy at home, I have to be very ill (or dying ) to elicit any kind of response. :roll:
He has got on and helped a bit more since we have had our son (now a toddler) but often doesn't think and often leaves me to cope with a child and terrible pain. I think its difficult when its a chronic illness, its far easier to be sympathetic or even understanding for a short term illness but when its day in day out its difficult to understand and keep understanding.
I'm sorry I don't know what the answer is but do want to say that sometimes moaning on here instead of to your partner gves them a break and might get a better, sympathetic, epithetic or even just supportive response
good luck
Chrissie

frogmorton

Hi Zimmie

The poor lass is tired - you said it yourself and you can't help as much as you want to

I think I would tell her how much you appreciate her - get the kids to make her cards/little cakes or treats.

Also get a babysitter if you can sometimes and treat her - not a late night, but a meal or a film earlyish (she might need her sleep) so you have some 'good' experiences together.

AND how right is Chrissie...

Save some of the worrying/and maybe moaning for us lot - we 'get' it and it doesn't upset us at all.

Love

Toni xx

dreamdaisy

I'm one of the lucky ones in that my husband is really supportive. He lived with his dad for a fair few years: dad was riddled with RA, for which he sought no help or treatment. After five years as a POW in Gernmany and Italy the RA was a doddle for him. Not for the rest of the family tho!

I began to have problems in 1997, three months before we married. I was finally diagnosed in Oct 2006, not that that made much difference, only that what was wrong had a name, Psoriatic Arthritis. My temperament helps us - I am positive, a fighter, determined not to lose. What I cannot manage standing up I do sitting down. The Husband works very long hours - I work from home and am quite good at rationing my energy.

Long-term, chronic disease does change the relationship between a couple, and not every couple can cope. Those who are not ill cannot really understand what life is like for those who are. Those who are ill cannot understand why those who aren't can't grasp it - after all, they're living with it too, can they not see how hard things are? Resentment can flare very easily, lines of communication can be broken very quickly, resentment can set in very fast - on both sides.

I coped alone for years: yes, The Husband was in the same house but he didn't/doesn't need to be burdened by me droning on about how much it hurts, how much I hate it, how awful it all is. He can't change it, why load him with un-necessary guilt? That's why finding this place has been such a tonic and revelation for me. There are people here who do know what it's like, so they are the ones I moan too. There's no point in moaning to my friends, they don't have a clue, and they're not really interested. Why should they be? They have lovely, healthy lives. Everyone here knows what it is like, and they are un-stinting in their support and encouragement.

Use us as a sounding-board for your feelings: it will ease the strain on you, and indirectly your wife. Her frustration levels will be pretty high - and who can she turn to? If you vent to us then perhaps she can vent to you. You do have a lot on your plate and you can't fix it all at once. Dreamdaisy

barbara12

Hi Zimmie
Like toni says, your partner will be so tried working full time, it is impossible to understand what you are going through unless like us lot you are going through it yourself.
I found talking the answer, I sat my OH down and explained how I felt having to ask him to more of the jobs around the house, and how I had really bad days and not so bad days.
It still causes friction, but things are alot better, tell how grateful you are, and how you feel about not being able to do more.
Talking breaks down the barriers give it a go.
Barbara.

elnafinn

Hi Zimmie

I agree with Barbara about talking to her. Unless you do that she will not know how you feel about everything and how difficult things are for you along with the added worry that she is having to work so hard and that you do appreciate she gets extremely tired and fed up with it all.

You have been together a long time and probably just got on with life, like one does, but things have unfortunately changed so it makes sense to talk about it and with the 11 year old too, to a certain extent. He/she must be aware that things are not as they were.

As others say, call in to us with the good, bad and truly horrid times and we will do our best to help and support you.

Luv
Elna x