what did I do to deserve such selfish kids

theresa4

Ok so here I am moaning again my apologies
Im just in need of a rant. The antibiotics my doc has put me on add to my drowsiness and general ill feeelng (although they do work eventually) I asked my son (20yrs old) if he could walk the dog as the pregablin Im on and the antibiotics have left me quite drowsy and unable to drive and my hubby was too busy this morning as he usually takes us(I cant manage to walk to the park and round it with the dog so we drive there so dog can run around) I walk him at 7am usually. At 9.30 my son finally got up I felt so guilty.
This is after a stream of expletives from my son as he was half asleep so I spent 2 hrs trying to get him up. Ok he finished work at 10 last night but he still had plenty of sleep. (more than I have in a week!)
My daughters are no better my eldest is moaning because I dont feel well enough to go with her to see her babies first swim and take photos (id love to but I feel rotten) so she is sulking.
My eldest made dinner for everyone last night which was lovely but noone has washed the dishes and as my finger is still open from my accident with a tin I cant do the dishes (allergic to gloves) my other 2 daughters were too tired to do them. My hubby worked 16 hrs yestaerday so he was way too tired (normal day for him at present)
They were lovely when they were little so helpful and loving they turned 13 + and TURNED!!

NOthing like making me feel like a complete useless mother and a burden
I am fine so please dont worry I jjust needed to rant

Theresa
Hope your days are going better than mine xx

c4thyg

I think you're in need of lots of ((((hugs)))).

Leave the dishes there and let them smell. Don't cook dinner. Eventually someone will go to cook dinner and find everything dirty. Then it's their problem. You have to be selfish as well in order to look after yourself.

Also, I think the dog will cope for a few days without a walk. Animals are very receptive.

Take care of yourself first.
xx

woodbon

Hi, Sometimes everyone needs to let of steam! It sounds as if you have reached that point, we keep it in for so long then something knocks us over the edge and bang, whoever is first in line gets it. So its a good job you've come here and done it. Saved your family and you the trama of a big family row, I hope. No-one ever wins the I did this and you didn't do that type of row, I should know I've had enough!!! :oops:

I'm sure that your family love you very much and want you to get better quickly and nothing would make them happier than you to get rid of this awful disease.

I know from experience that its can be hard for them. I'm sure thats what they get cross with, the disease, not you. Thats how it was for me when my Mum was very ill I was horrible, until suddenly I accepted it like sudden understanding of what she'd been through.

So come to us when you need to 'kick the cat'!!!! :shock:
Love Sue PS Feel better soon. xxx

dreamdaisy

Why did you spend two hours trying to get your son up? What a waste of your precious energy. Stop trying to look after everyone else: you have done your bit for your children, they are all of an age to take responsibility for their actions, so start taking care of you. Conserve your energy, the dog will be fine, go back to bed and stay there with a good book or daytime telly. They won't appreciate the fact that you are ill until you start behaving ill. Be kind to yourself, look after yourself, ignore them. (Easier said than done, I know, but give it a whirl.) DD

theresa4

Thankyou for your replies
Its my dog so I cant help but feel guilty he keeps me company and lavishes me with unconditional love.
I know what its like to have an ill parent as for 20 + years I have looked after my mother who has Bipolar with psychosis and secondary alcoholism. I have never blamed her or made her feel bad but the last few years have had to step back as I am no longer well enough to deal with her complex problems. Finally the NHS mental health team are taking over as she cannot function fully on her own although she does live in sheltered accomodation.
I do wonder if my kids worry that they will have to dedicate too much time to me as my illness progresses?? after watching me with my mum. and I cared for my grandfather when his alzheimers progressed (my grandmother was too tired to do it all) he has sadly passed 6 yrs ago. I also cared for my mother in law who needed a kidney transplant and attended her hospital appointments. and my grandmas hospital appointments. I suppose I cant understand their attitude as caring for others comes naturally to me family is family.
Am I expectring too much?

Theresa x

frogmorton

Hi theresa

Its their attitude theses days i fear

Mine can be the same too and make me feel like rubbish at times.

I have three girls 15, 15 and 12 (13 dec). My eldest is like your son. One of my friend's kids worried about teh future when she cared for her Mum who eventually passed away. mayeb you could chat to them?

You love your animals though and they love you in retiurn on,ly asking for food shelter love and the odd walk in return. I get it!

when I went to france I asked my nephew (23) to shut our cat in at night and would he? Well yes at 4.30 in the afternoon on his way home from work!!! I could tell it was too much trouble bawled me eyes out and then luckily some friend sof the kids did her and they loved her as much as me

You take care

It's not you......it's kids today....(sound like my Mum :oops: )

Love

Toni xx

dreamdaisy

You sound like one of life's natural carers, it's in-built in you and you have always taken the role. As a result those around you (children) are used to you doing stuff for them and they expect it. They see you caring for everyone, so it won't occur to them that now it is your turn. This is why you have to try and step back and start letting them get on with things themselves. Don't waste your time trying to rouse a potty-mouthed son: if you cannot ignore him then chuck a bowl of cold water over him instead. Brief, effective, unkind - but then so is abusing your mother. Where is his respect for you? They are used to you doing it all. They see no reason why you should stop. They do not understand the disease you are fighting, the deleterious effects of the meds and the exhaustion of the infections. They need to be told in no uncertain fashion that their days of wine and roses are over. They have to grow up, it is, after all, one of the harsh realities of life! Don't feel guilty, you have done more than enough for them. It's your turn. DD

theresa4

Toni
Im so glad its not just mine. The thing is they are so sweet to other people who are ill. The women acroos the road has RA too and all I hear is aw poor veronica cant walk, aw poor veronica is in alot of pain. Aw poor veronica her kids dont help her (HELLO!!!!)Not oncce do I get an ounce of thought let alone sympathy.

DD
YOu make so much sense, your no nonsense thinking is what I could do with Im such a pushover!
My grandaughter has just given me the most beautiful smile and cheered me up.

julie47

Theresa hi

I send you a big hug ((((((((((())))))))))))

don't know what else to say.

JuliePF x

dreamdaisy

Right, you are not a pushover. You are an ill, tired, emotional mother who is being badly failed by her children. (Or should that be failed badly? Oh, bu**er the grammar.) I fear, hun, you are going to have to toughen your heart. You are not their slave, you are not their handmaiden, you are not going to be there forever (sorry!) they HAVE to bl***y learn. I think it sounds as tho you have been putting off this learning process for some time: whenever you start it's going to be tough, so start now. No deals, no negotiations, just do it. (yes, I know, easier said than done, but your needs are now paramount.) And it should also make them better adults, which is surely every parents' aim. DD

nanasue

Hi Theresa,
Sorry to hear you are having such a bad time, but I know exactly how you feel, my lot are the same, but should know better as they are grown adults with kids of their own.I have given up trying to explain to them so now if they want something I just say i can't do it cos my arthritis is playing up and leave it at that, if they can't be bothered to understand my illness then I'm not going to run around after them. I know it's hard as I too am one of life's carers, but I've had to toughen up as I was being run ragged by their demands. I totallly agree with DD, she always comes up with a good reply. At least you know you're not alone with this problem and a lot of us will understand, so just have a good moan when you need to.

Love Sue x

marion1952

Hello Theresa

I'm so sorry you are having to struggle like this.

DD has given you some good advice. Maybe you can't do all that DD suggests straightaway, but try taking little steps to make the changes..

I have a friend who has exactly the same problems with her 27 year old son, who lies in bed most of the day,and doesn't lift a finger.

Unfortunately you are NOT going to be around forever, so they are going to have to 'grow up' at some time!

Well done you for looking after your mother and grandfather and the other people you have cared for despite your own health problems. At least you know that you have 'done your best' for these people - and you shoudl be proud of that..

Marion

speedalong

Hi Theresa,

I agree with the posts below. I don't think your children worry about caring for you forever, I think they are just used to you doing everything and don't like the thought of having to pitch in ... they are not used to it and prefer Mum doing everything. Well real life isn't like that. It is time for tough love!! You need your hubby on side with this to back you up. (He is a grafter working long hours to support everybody - now he needs to help you teach your kids to doing some of the giving for a change. How you tackle this is up to you - you could try a rota system(!) or you could take to your bed and let them get on with it (no interferring mind - so if they don't wash up - oh dear - they'll run out of plates!! etc) This will go against the grain for you - as others have said you are a natural carer - well care for yourself and put yourself first for once.

Let us know how you get on. The future spouses/partners of your children will be eternally grateful!

Speedy

theresa4

HI All

Dont get me wrong my kids are not all bad, with other people they are very thoughtful and kind its just me. I dont know whether they just dont accept Im ill or they are scared or are p[issed off with me. I always brought them up to be independent and strong minded and am proud of those traits in them as I was always a biot of a wimp and didnty want tyhat for my kids especially my 3 daughters. I was bullied at school my girls nevber were as they could hold their own corner) My son wazs always lovely til the last 2 years (prob cos he stareted dating quite late) we have a good relationship rte talking I know what they all get up to but they dont have the same attitudeds towards caring (they are a bit like their dad I suppose). And here I am defending them as usual lol x
My eldest washed the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen x
they are polite and well behaved and presented outside of the home and do make me proud maybe I want too much

anyway im off to be d much love to all
Theresa xx

pols090607

hi theresa,

i think you sound like a lovely person who has probably done what my aunt done with her kids and gave them everything and put them first !

Well you get no thanks for it whatsoever, my aunt is walked all over, she has some sort of spondylitis (sp) and is in pain for most of the time yet as she plods on and on and on, no-one helps her at all.

unless you stay in bed an appear to be 'properly' ill - they will all just keep on expecting from you.

start putting yourself first - that's an order

i have two daughters (6&2) and i get them to tidy and put things away already, i provide for them, give them everything they want/need but there's no way I will do the same as my auntie did, i have learnt from her.

you look after yourself hun xxx

lavenderlady

OMG I thought i was reading about my kids , so I know exactly how you feel, at the moment I am minding my 2 year old grandson a real live wire, so just as your kids grow up your grandkids come round lol
I had a set too this week with my daughter in law she said she has no time for me or her mum who has cancer, my daughter heard and went ballistic, i must admit she does help I've got 10 guinea pigs who I dote on she cleans them out for me its my place i go to chill out, I call them my furry prozac, along with them my 2 border collies are only about 20 months old and need occupying as well, luckly we've got a big garden lol but i do think kids in general get given so much compared to us as kids I'm talking about the 60s and 70s that they dont expect to do anything for these things I feel my childhood was much more fun and much more relaxed, so they dont get an easy time, there i go making excuses for them but its nice to know I'm not alone

speedalong

HI Theresa, you don't have to defend them to us or feel guilty about having a moan!! We all moan about our loved ones occasionally. It is just time yours helped at home too ... Good luck with getting them to do so!

Speedy