Explaining to loved ones

c4thyg
c4thyg Member Posts: 542
edited 26. Sep 2010, 15:02 in Living with Arthritis archive
As some of you know, I'm in a new relationship (after splitting with my husband at xmas). The problem I have is explaining my limitations to him without making a big deal of it. I am head over heels and don't want to mess up.

Anyway, he's a keen sailor and likes to go out on his boat as often as possible and really wants me to as well. I do enjoy sailing but only when I feel up to it. Otherwise I feel like a spare part. There are retired people there all the time who are in better shape than me!!

What I find difficult to explain is how arthur is so variable. He thinks I'm simply aching, take a handful of painkillers and I'm fine. It is partly my fault for trying to down play it as I'm insecure about it. We've just had a lovely holiday together but now I'm paying the price for pushing it so much and he now wants me to go sailing tomorrow. I want to, I just don't know if I'll make myself worse or not.

How can I explain RA/PsA to him without making a big deal of it? He understands OA but as you know, they're 2 different beasts!

Thx :|

Comments

  • alarkra
    alarkra Member Posts: 213
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi,

    You most probably have heard of the Spoon theory, but if not maybe you could use this to try and explain it to him? Using the idea of it and putting into context of your condition may help? I've found the spoon theory helpful explaining my condition to those who simply just don't 'get' it. They may still not completely understand, but I do think that they are more empathetic than before.

    Here's the link to the webpage:
    http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/

    Good luck! :mrgreen:
  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 30,086
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Cathy

    I would get one of the A/C leaflets too to show him?

    He sounds lovely - so many peopel only have experience of OA dont they? which is why WE cant have it :roll:

    I do hope things continue to go well for the two of you :)
    You deserve a bit of happiness :)

    Love

    Toni xx
  • angel1
    angel1 Bots Posts: 1,464
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Cathy, as you know, I`ve followed your story from the very beginning, and I am absolutely delighted that you have found happiness again. No one deserves it more.

    In any relationship, communication is one of the most important factors. If things are talked through at the right time, then nothing can come back later to hurt you. I feel that by giving your new man a false impression of your capabilities, perhaps you are being a little unfair to both of you. I fully understand why you would do this though.

    It seems that you are now more secure in his feelings for you, and perhaps this is why you need to go into more detail regarding your illnesses. Please open up to him, share your limitations totally. Remember, what is for you, won`t go by you.

    Much love to you and Meg.........Ange.x.
  • sharmaine
    sharmaine Member Posts: 1,638
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi

    Most people can deal with the truth and I'm sure if your new chap really care for you he'll understand. Tell him that you're sorry but you can't make it sailing but you would be happy to be onshore to welcome him back. That way you both get to see one another and you don't have to worry about the sailing wearing you out!

    Sometimes my OH forgets that I have arthritis and after a lovely and busy week in Cornwall it took me a week to recover! We need to rest our weary joints a lot more than 'normal' folk.

    I hope you have the courage to tell him how it really is and fingers crossed he'll understand. You never know he might come up with a solution. After all "it is what it is".
    With regards
    Sharmaine
  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,281
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Cathy
    How lovely that you have found happiness again, you really do deserve it.
    I think all you can do is be honest and be yourself, he will love you for who you are....I feel it in my bones :)
    Good Luck
    Love
    Barbara xxx
    Love
    Barbara
  • dorcas
    dorcas Member Posts: 3,516
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Cathy.

    ...so pleased for you that you've found someone so special. :D

    You've been given such wonderful advice already.... I just wanted to add my good wishes and hope that you do tell him soon as it's burdening you and getting in the way of your happiness.

    He will understand I'm sure and be glad you trusted him enough to share this with him. :wink:

    Iris xxx
  • annie_mial
    annie_mial Member Posts: 5,614
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi there Cathy!

    Can't really add much to all the other advice you've been given, but I do agree you should tell him very soon.

    So glad that you have found some happiness following your traumatic experiences last year - you deserve it and there should be no reservations in your relationship.

    Love
    Annie
  • hileena111
    hileena111 Member Posts: 7,099
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Cant add much more.....except when I read your post before reading any answers I thought The Spoon Theory..... :wink:

    Love
    Hileena
  • woodbon
    woodbon Member Posts: 4,969
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi, I'm so pleased you've found someone. Everyone has given you good advice, I don't think I can add to it, just to wish you luck and remeber that it might be harder for you to tell than him to understand!!! :wink: Love Sue
  • trisher
    trisher Member Posts: 9,263
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Cathy

    You have come a long way since last Christmas What a difference in you.

    You have been given some good advice.

    There is nothing I can add but just remenberd last Christmas and just wanted to say Hi to you again. I'm so glad that you are much better than you were.

    Love Trish xxxx
  • sharmaine
    sharmaine Member Posts: 1,638
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    sharmaine wrote:
    Hi

    Most people can deal with the truth and I'm sure if your new chap really care for you he'll understand. Tell him that you're sorry but you can't make it sailing but you would be happy to be onshore to welcome him back. That way you both get to see one another and you don't have to worry about the sailing wearing you out!

    Sometimes my OH forgets that I have arthritis and after a lovely and busy week in Cornwall it took me a week to recover! We need to rest our weary joints a lot more than 'normal' folk.

    I hope you have the courage to tell him how it really is and fingers crossed he'll understand. You never know he might come up with a solution. After all "it is what it is".

    I hope your love for this man continues to blossom and he loves you in return.
    With regards
    Sharmaine
  • c4thyg
    c4thyg Member Posts: 542
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Thanks for your support. I did talk to him about how difficult some days can be. He was understanding. I have gone through spoon theory (my version) with him and he often refers to spoons! I had to reiterate things this weekend. I did a lot more than usual while we were in Turkey with the help of painkillers but I don't think he realised how many I was taking to keep going. I've been so wiped out this week since getting back.

    Anyway, we gave the sailing a miss on Saturday and I felt so guilty about stopping him going (he can't sail without crew) that we went out for a few hours today. I managed to do it for a while but had to admit defeat in the end and we called it a day. He simply said, 'thank you for trying'. He's so sweet. I just hope I don't pay for it too much tomorrow.

    Time to put the heating on and feet up. :)
  • alarkra
    alarkra Member Posts: 213
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    c4thyg wrote:
    Thanks for your support. I did talk to him about how difficult some days can be. He was understanding. I have gone through spoon theory (my version) with him and he often refers to spoons!

    Yay! I'm glad that he managed to relate to your version of the spoon theory and that he seems to be properly taking on what you have said. :D Happiness. :)

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