This is mostly a rant, so I apologise in advance!
I don't know if this is forever. Am I ever going to feel less fatigued and in less pain? Don't get me wrong, I am much better than I was a year ago but I seem to have come to a stop. I can tolerate this pain and fatigue but it's seriously disrupting my life to the point where I can't decide which degree to apply for because of it. The one I want to apply for is intense and in the 2nd and 3rd years, it's 5 full days a week, not including study time. I can't manage that. The only way I can is if there is a huge improvement in my symptoms. Is that likely? Who knows?! Not me, not my rheumatologist....does anyone? So, I'm sitting here trying to decide which degree to choose and the main factor that's swaying me is my RA. If it gets worse, I'm screwed. If I gets better, than great but if it stays the same, will I be able to cope with a full time course? Do I resign myself to part time work forever in case I'm never feeling better than this? I'm already struggling at college because I'm so exhausted. I'm cutting down my work hours because I can't cope with both, so now I'm having to watch the pennies very carefully.
If I'm rational, I would say well who can predict how I'll feel in 2 years time? If I got a place, I wouldn't be starting till Sept 2011 and the first year isn't so pressurised. So, I have 2 years to find a miracle cure!
My mum (being the sensible person that she is..) says that maybe they haven't got my meds right. Methotrexate is helping but my rheumy wants me on 2 DMARDS. I've tried hydroxychloroquine for the 2nd time but it makes me faint. Maybe if I find another DMARD, it will be much better and my bloods, joints etc will improve.
I'm scared and everything feels overwhelming.