commemerating a very sad occassion...

tkachev · 29. Sep 2010, 06:31

Next week is the 25th anniversary of the birth and death of my Nephew. Sadly he died after something went wrong during the birth causing him to suffocate despite an emergency caesarean.

I am not sure how to mark this anniversary. Should I approach my sister and tell her I am thinking of her or send her something to commemerate? We have had many tears talking about this over the years but I cant help thinking it his her pain and I am not entitled to feel sad after all it was not my Son that died.But then she might not realise how sad I am. After 25years I still am in pieces about it.It seemed so uneccessary.
I was 7 months pregnant at the time and could not enjoy my own daughter as I felt so guilty. My sister hid when I came round to my mums house with baby and I dont blame her.I also got married 4 weeks after his death and my poor sister got dragged along to the wedding but there was a cloud over it all. I didnt feel like celebrating.
Everything is coming back to me now and feels like yesterday. How can I approach my sister without upsetting her, digging up awful memories or taking the attention away from her. I want to make her
day as easy as possible.....
Any ideas from those who have lost loved ones? What would you appreciate?
Elizabeth

frogmorton · 29. Sep 2010, 06:38

Oh Elizabeth my heart goes out to YOU.

You poor thing - your own child's birth and your wedding day marred like that.

You must have felt so guilty to be happy

Bless you (and i mean it

)

I think you have every right to feel heartbroken at the loss of your little nephew before his life had even begun.

Send her a card - write her a few short words telling her you love her and haven't forgotten and she knows where you are if she needs you.

Lovely sister aren't you?

Toni xx

tkachev · 29. Sep 2010, 06:42

That sounds a lovely idea Toni. Id like to send her something as well. Maybe something for his grave but would that be too upsetting?
Sorry I cant think straight.

Elizabeth x

frogmorton · 29. Sep 2010, 06:44

Elizabeth i think it would also be lovely. She will take it in the spirit it is given.

You WILL find the right thing because your intentions are so well-meaning.

Love
and hugs too

Toni xx

barbara12 · 29. Sep 2010, 06:48

Hi Elizabeth
I am so sorry you lost your nephew like that, bless him, of course you will be sad, and you being pregnant would have made it even worse to cope with.
I think Toni ha said it all, I would certainly write to her, I always find this easier then phoning, and tell her you are thinking about her.
Lots of love
Barbara xxx

Rainbow77 · 29. Sep 2010, 06:54

Hi Elizabeth

I don't think the passage of time makes it any easier. People say 'Time heals', but does it really?? Sometimes we don't come to terms with things that have happened, but we learn to live with them.

You have got some good advice already. I think it is normal for you to still think about it after 25 years and it is obviously in your mind. Perhaps your sister also thinks that because that time has elapsed, she may feel embarrassed if she is in bits and that other people think she should of got over it by now.

I would definitely send her a card and get her a gift and as someone has already said and give her permission to explain how she feels to. In these situations, sometimes we want to know that someone is there for us and this may not include words for the sake of it.

Thinking of you

Fayann xxx

snowball · 29. Sep 2010, 07:23

Elizabeth what a lovely sister you are, you have been given some great advice. My god mother lost twin girls over 40 years ago one was still born and the other died 1 hour after being born. I know my god mother likes us to remember them even though it is still very painful for her. She said she would sooner people remember them, me and my mum allways send her a card letting her know we are thinking of her and I'm sure she has 2 trees planted in there memory.

Lots of love and ((((((hugs)))))) comming your way.

Jules xx

tkachev · 29. Sep 2010, 07:33

I was thinking that a cheque or gift might feel like I am trying to buy her happiness and you cannot buy back a loved one.
I know she has lost her job over the past year and is now drinking and the two may be linked. So she is going through a hard time all round.

I have always remembered the anniversary every year but it doesnt get any easier. It felt too raw to commemerate his 18th and 21st but I do feel I should now make an effort to send something
As a family we are all still so shocked.We never really got any answers . Nowadays she would have had some come back I am sure as a delay by her GP telling her everything was fine during an examination when she was in pain delayed her getting to the maternity ward.Still it is too late now.
The Alder Hey hospital story about the babies organs being taken without permission also upset her greatly. There was more secrecy in the 80's rather than todays reports and investigations. So there are still so many unanswered questions and this hasnt helped over the years.

I would be too upset to call her on the day but can put my thoughts down in words on a card.I dont think i need to say much just that I am thinking of her...
She went on to have 3 more children and is now a Grandmother.
Elizabeth x

tkachev · 29. Sep 2010, 07:35

snowball wrote:

Elizabeth what a lovely sister you are, you have been given some great advice. My god mother lost twin girls over 40 years ago one was still born and the other died 1 hour after being born. I know my god mother likes us to remember them even though it is still very painful for her. She said she would sooner people remember them, me and my mum allways send her a card letting her know we are thinking of her and I'm sure she has 2 trees planted in there memory.

Lots of love and ((((((hugs)))))) comming your way.

Jules xx

Thankyou Julie. I think this has answered my question. The tree is a lovely idea too.
Elizabeth

angel1 · 29. Sep 2010, 07:41

You have held on to your guilt for too long Elizabeth. Let it go now.

This situation is very different to a "normal" bereavement, in that, heartbreakingly, there are no memories for her to cherish. No first smile, first tooth, first footsteps. So, so sad.

For me, the written word gives great comfort, and I feel that a letter to your sister would be greatly appreciated by her. In it you can, perhaps for the first time, explain how you felt. Offer her, once more, your love and support. Believe me, you will not be taking anything away from her, she will welcome it. Ask her if there is something she would like to commemorate the occasion, perhaps a beautiful plant for the grave.

Your understanding, support, and love shows you as a wonderful sister Elizabeth, and a caring human being........Much love.......Ange.x.

tkachev · 29. Sep 2010, 07:59

angel1 wrote:

You have held on to your guilt for too long Elizabeth. Let it go now.

This situation is very different to a "normal" bereavement, in that, heartbreakingly, there are no memories for her to cherish. No first smile, first tooth, first footsteps. So, so sad.

For me, the written word gives great comfort, and I feel that a letter to your sister would be greatly appreciated by her. In it you can, perhaps for the first time, explain how you felt. Offer her, once more, your love and support. Believe me, you will not be taking anything away from her, she will welcome it. Ask her if there is something she would like to commemorate the occasion, perhaps a beautiful plant for the grave.

My sister never held him and i know she regrets this as she has told me. She has one photograph of him proudly displayed.
We have talked over the years and i have said sorry for not being there for her as I was young and naive. I didnt know what to do and how to help her. She accepted that.
It will be difficult to ask her how to commemerate him. Will she not think it is too late to plant a tree? It is however a lovely idea.

Thankyou everybody. I so needed other peoples views on this.

Elizabeth x

angel1 · 29. Sep 2010, 08:10

Will she not think it is too late to plant a tree?

Elizabeth x[/quote]

You would have to ask her this Elizabeth. If she visits the grave regularly, she may already have done something along these lines.

Why not send her some flowers, and tell her, if she feels she can, to take some to the grave, on your behalf?........Ange.x.

ninakang · 29. Sep 2010, 08:14

There's some good advice on here, Elizabeth. Thinking of you and yours at this sad time.

Nina XXXXX

chicara · 29. Sep 2010, 11:05

Hi Elizabeth

You have been given a lot of good advice and a lot to think about, personally I think it might be worth asking your sister if she would like a tree or plant to put in her garden if she has one, so it is always there in memory of her son's anniversary, just a thought. I also think a card would be lovely.

My heart goes out to you and your sister, it is heartbreaking to lose anyone we love and although we may learn to carry on with our lives the hurt and feeling of loss is always there.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision and that your sister will appreciate your support.

Take care

Chicara

commemerating a very sad occassion...

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