others judgement on my use of a disabled badge

alitarot

hi, i have just had a good but much older friend tell me not to use my badge when we go out tonight. he feels i am abusing it as i can walk. What he doesn't realise is it hurts me (a lot) and i take loads of painkillers in order to do it. Now i don't want to go out at all and feel really upset. Does any one else get this? i am 42 and he is 80 and he is still a fit and active man.

dorcas

Hello alitrot and welcome to the forum.

Unfortunately many of us have experienced the ignorance or misguided advice of others..older & younger.. who tell us that we should not be using the BB.
It makes me sad ...but more than that, angry at the assumptions people readily make about the pain we are in. :roll: :x

don't let this stop you from going out ...or from always using the badge.. it's there because you need it not because you're trying to pull a fast one!

If you want to socialise with this man... then explain to your friend why you have the badge and the impact on you if you have to walk further than is necessary.

talk to us alitrot... we're a good friendly bunch here and there's always someone around to support and advise on similar experiences.

let us know what you decide?

Iris xxx

dreamdaisy

Well, isn't he the lucky one? He has two major problems that I can see: gender and fitness. Males do tend to be quite forthright, they lack the 'sensitivity' gene on occasion and just say what they think, whilst blissfully unaware how their words might be taken/interpreted. Set that issue to one side as it is nothing you can alter.

Others see us moving, and assume that we are doing so pain-free, because they can move easily. That is rarely the case: I am on crutches and I have already started the pain dullers 'cos I will have to 'walk' a fair bit (for me) this afternoon and evening. Luckily the evening staggerings and clatterings will be numbed by a small amount of alcohol . You do not need to explain anything to this man - if he wants to spend time with you and have a pleasant evening, then the courteous thing to do is to park where it is most convenient for you. He is obviously not a gentleman. You could tell him that. DD

skezier

Hi Altarot,

Unfortunately its often the case that people just don't understand pain. Being fit and healthy at 80 he can't know what your gong through and well do what is best for you and don't let it upset you is all I can think to say. Its a form of ignorance and sadly too common. I got a switch off switch for them now... I play a cd in my head and then do what is best for me I am afraid.... they don't have to have the pay back!

You do what is best for you and maybe getting some booklets from either here or ARK will help if you can get him to read them? Its a big IF I found....... Don't let it get to you. Cris x

ichabod6

Make your separate ways to the rendevous.
You use your blue badge; let him use what
he has.

julie47

I agree with incabod

Let him go on his own and meet hm there. What's his problem. He is dam lucky to be in his 80s and still beable to walk. Take your badge and use it.
And ENJOY your evening
JuliePF x

daylily

it's the old problem.
Because people cannot SEE something then it is not there.
Tell him he's lucky not to need a BB
You wouldn't have been given it if you didn't need it
xx

sharmaine

Hi Alitarot

It's a shame your friend has upset you regarding your blue badge.
It isn't up to him whether or not you use it!!! You shouldn't have to justify to anyone when/how you use it. Many of us with arthritis suffer with discomfort and rely on pain killers just to see us through the day. Does he want you to stop taking your painkillers to justify the use of your Blue Badge? Why should you suffer? Even with painkillers arthritis can be uncomfortable especially if you're out and about walking on concrete flattened surfaces.

I use my badge when we go out because it helps tremendously especially when we're out shopping. When you have problems with your mobility having the badge is a godsend. We are not all blessed with strong limbs.

You have every right to that Blue Badge and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I think it's a bit of a cheek him even mentioning it.
If it upset him so much then let him make his own way there. You can then park your car in the disabled bay without having to concern yourself about what he thinks.

NEVER FEEL GUILTY ABOUT USING YOUR BADGE IT IS THERE TO HELP YOU.


Sharmaine
X[/i]

alitarot

daylily wrote:

it's the old problem.
Because people cannot SEE something then it is not there.
Tell him he's lucky not to need a BB
You wouldn't have been given it if you didn't need it
xx

ah thank you all so much for your answers, i didn't know so many of you were out there and such a fast response.

I have decided not to go as i had already stood up for myself with him by explaining about the bad week i had had. He had the tickets so he will give it to someone else and i will stay in and watch tv. Next time i know i will just take myself but i'm not up to it tonight. I don't want to be out making such an effort with people who judge me harshly - that's not my idea of a fun night out!

dreamdaisy

It can be very diffiult for friends and family to understand what we are facing. People are not used to the concept that it is possible to be in pain 24/7. They just don't get it. If you need to explain anything to anyone have a look at the spoon theory, it gives a very handy way to explain matters. I hope you enjoy your evening, people will still be about on here, so look in! DD

stlucia

What a difficult position to be in. You have your badge for a good reason, and you have been deemed to be worthy of having it so therefore you need to use it. What your friend will mostly likely not understand is that you not only are protecting yourself from doing too much and causing more pain but that you are in pain to start with.

I am guessing that you can do one of two things - accept that your friend doesn't understand, and just leave it lie - use your badge whether he likes it or not - it's not his call and he doesn't have to suffer the consequences of having to walk further than needs be. Or you can use your badge and talk to him about why you use it.

Have you talked to him about the things you find difficult before? Maybe try the Spoon Theory?

Please let us know how it goes.

Lx

frogmorton

Hi Alitarot

I reckon it's up to you - can you walk from where you would have to park? Without pain I mean....

If not he needs to be told that you can't go out - and you are sorry

He needs to understand the pain you are in and how much more you will be in if he gets his way.

Bet he thinks people think it's HIS because you are still young

Men :roll:

Oh sorry present company excepted

Love

Toni xx

alitarot

the spoon theory? wow, that's a good idea..i can guess it means it's like having enough spoons in the drawer re: energy/pain management?

yes, i did explain to him, and yes, i cancelled the outing as it really didn't appeal to me anymore - in fact, he had wanted me to do the driving and take 2 of his friends as well..he said one of them would object to me using my badge - so they can drive themselves the lucky able -bodied people !

:roll:

thanks for all your support, and lovely to meeet you

ali xxx


ps. my blue badge is a real life saver and i really would sufer without it.

stlucia

Good work!! I see so you were the designated driver then - you should have also pointed out that you aren't a taxi....!!!!!

I hope this link cheers you up... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TsnQya30yo

Lx

alitarot wrote:

the spoon theory? wow, that's a good idea..i can guess it means it's like having enough spoons in the drawer re: energy/pain management?

yes, i did explain to him, and yes, i cancelled the outing as it really didn't appeal to me anymore - in fact, he had wanted me to do the driving and take 2 of his friends as well..he said one of them would object to me using my badge - so they can drive themselves the lucky able -bodied people !

:roll:

thanks for all your support, and lovely to meeet you

ali xxx


ps. my blue badge is a real life saver and i really would sufer without it.

frogmorton

Hi Ali

How very dare he!

Well done you my girl.

If they cannot see your real beauty behind a blue badge :shock:

well - you did the right thing for sure

Love

Toni xx

tkachev

I don't think your friend understands what the blue badge is for. And he doesn't understand your needs either so best to avoid peeps like that if you can.
I use crutches and without them I get a dreadful pain in my back, and ankle and sometimes hip and knee join in the fun cos they feel lonely but I know my friends just don't understand. I suppose it is difficult for them to put themselves in my place.
Hope you have a good evening anyway.

Elizabeth

alitarot

tkachev wrote:

I don't think your friend understands what the blue badge is for. And he doesn't understand your needs either so best to avoid peeps like that if you can.
I use crutches and without them I get a dreadful pain in my back, and ankle and sometimes hip and knee join in the fun cos they feel lonely but I know my friends just don't understand. I suppose it is difficult for them to put themselves in my place.
Hope you have a good evening anyway.

Elizabeth

thanks Elizabeth,

i guess it's a matter of acceptance on my part - that some people just don't or won't 'get it' and that's ok as long as i don't take it personally and feel defensive and judged..having a good night watching tv thanks xx

tkachev

Glad you are having a nice evening in front of the T.V. It is horrid,wet and cold outside. Have a lovely rest.
I have had a few silly comments recently but I soon put them straight and they are all apologetic after that. When they try and get me to dance that really annoys me......


Elizabeth

stlucia

What do you normally say to ridiculous comments? I find it difficult not to take them to heart. x

tkachev wrote:

Glad you are having a nice evening in front of the T.V. It is horrid,wet and cold outside. Have a lovely rest.
I have had a few silly comments recently but I soon put them straight and they are all apologetic after that. When they try and get me to dance that really annoys me......


Elizabeth

airwave

I'll try not to talk 'as a man!' I get the same reaction, I took a friend down town and parked in a blue badge place, all I got was' "I didn't know you were a wooden stick!" I then got an inquisition on how I had managed to get one before he relented and agreed I had done everything as i should have and he just hadn't noticed how I was. Mine you I get the same from my OH unless it benefits her!

Its a closing of the mind rather than a deliberate attempt to insult, I like to think.

8) Its a grin, honest!

lupin15

My hubby has a blue badge and had it for 8 years now. Every time he pulls in to park in a disable parking space you can see people look at him. He use to get so upset as he is still young (now 49 years old.) For some reason people have this idea that you have a have a limb missing /old as in over 65 years old or dragging yourself limping/hobbling or have a wheel chair. I will say sorry to anyone that is in this bracket this is not directed at you.
People general have very little knowledge or really care about others, which is very sad.
Use your badge with pride and stuff what others may say or the looks may get....We don't get enough help with this horrible condition.

lupin15

alitarot wrote:

daylily wrote:

it's the old problem.
Because people cannot SEE something then it is not there.
Tell him he's lucky not to need a BB
You wouldn't have been given it if you didn't need it
xx

ah thank you all so much for your answers, i didn't know so many of you were out there and such a fast response.

I have decided not to go as i had already stood up for myself with him by explaining about the bad week i had had. He had the tickets so he will give it to someone else and i will stay in and watch tv. Next time i know i will just take myself but i'm not up to it tonight. I don't want to be out making such an effort with people who judge me harshly - that's not my idea of a fun night out!

I am so sorry you decided not to go out and he upset you so much but is what use to happen with my hubby to. Hope you have a lovely evening in XXXXX

hileena111

Hi
I have a blue badge and use it when I need to use it.....You use it as well....Never mind what other people say.
Slightly different....you were saying what age he was and how fit.
Our church is being held in a Travel lodge at the minute and we had a baptism last Sunday evening.....It was done in the swimming pool of the Travel Lodge.
Well the people were there to direct us to it and hand us blue plastic over shoes to wear.......There wasnt a chair about and I couldnt get mine on....couldn't bend.....It took a man in his late 70s or 80 to say "do you want me to help you?" and he got down and put them on for me....How embarrasing

Love
Hileena

stlucia

Hileena,

It's always quite comedy isn't it - I had an elderly man ask if I needed help getting on the bus once and I was 25 at the time!!

tkachev

stlucia wrote:

What do you normally say to ridiculous comments? I find it difficult not to take them to heart. x

tkachev wrote:

Glad you are having a nice evening in front of the T.V. It is horrid,wet and cold outside. Have a lovely rest.
I have had a few silly comments recently but I soon put them straight and they are all apologetic after that. When they try and get me to dance that really annoys me......


Elizabeth

Sorry St Lucia just missed you last night. Well someone said to me I move my ankle alright as if I had been caught out. I was sitting down flexing it because, as you know,our joints stiffen up pretty quick and I was keeping it moving because this helps. I suppose she thought It was like a broken ankle as I was on crutches and so it shouldnt move so I must be fibbing!
I get stupid comments all the time from OH family too many to mention but asked to wash up once just after I had collapsed in a heap after chasing after my autistic son. It was agony to get out the chair each time and I was exhausted and close to tears at that point. It felt like they couldnt see the pain I was in and insinuating I wasnt doing my share of housework (we were on holiday at the time). Grrrrrr!!!

Elizabeth

dreamdaisy

Hi alitarot, I hope you passed a pleasant evening and that you are OK today. DD