Depressed...need to vent...

sunnyhours
sunnyhours Member Posts: 151
edited 13. Oct 2010, 05:46 in Living with Arthritis archive
Hi Everyone,
I'm sorry I've been absent for a little while...things aren't going so well...
Surprisingly it's not about Arthur or about work...it's mostly about my ex of a year ago, that I was still seeing and that I still love *Sigh*
Yeah, It's been very difficult emotionally because of the fact that she still loves me. You see, every time I see her I have the time of my life and I she does too...She tells me she wants to be with me again, that she wants to have a life with me and everything, which obviously makes me very happy...however, everytime I leave...this all turns to ****. As afterwards I get messages that she doesn't wanna be with me and that she doesn't trust me...
I just don't understand why she's afraid of our love?
Anyways, I'm sorry, I'm not sure this is really appreciate...please delete if it isn't...

Comments

  • skezier
    skezier Member Posts: 11,333
    edited 30. Nov -0001, 00:00
    Hi Sunny,

    You are worth more than this! I know it so well, waisted so long that way........

    The push and pull thing is hard but well for what its worth you will find one day the pull doesn't work.... People play Sunny, and its a kind of cruelty (or so my old councillor used to say).

    I can't help except to say its in you to stop her being able to do this. Let her make her mind up without you being pulled about emotionally and though it doesn't feel like it you will get there. ((( ))) and stay strong so the pull just doesn't work on the surface and one day it doesn't inside either. Cris x
  • roses1
    roses1 Member Posts: 1,850
    edited 30. Nov -0001, 00:00
    Hi Sunny,

    Move on, i know its hard but like Cris said people 'play' and it looks like you are being played! You are worth more than this.
    Give her an ultimatum , tell her it's now or never!
    Dont have any more contact what so ever , you have to prove you are not going to put up with this crap!!
    you are hurting your self over and over again ! Don't do it!!
    Hope this helps.

    Take care

    Rose
  • bubbles
    bubbles Member Posts: 6,508
    edited 30. Nov -0001, 00:00
    HI Sunny,
    Sorry to hear you are feeling bad. I have to agree with Rose, sometimes, difficult as it might be, we have to finish the last chapter of a book and close the cover.
    Carrying on like this is mental torture and sounds like mind games from the other side. Playing with a person't emotions and feelings, like a cat plays with a mouse, is wrong on so many levels.

    One of the hardest things to say, is no, but, perhaps it would be a good things to say. You are strong and will carry on, move forward and meet other people. Sending lots of hugs, xxxx Bubbles
    XX Aidan (still known as Bubbles).
  • sunnyhours
    sunnyhours Member Posts: 151
    edited 30. Nov -0001, 00:00
    it's actually more than this...I've been wanting to go back to school...to university, and just lately found the courage and the drive to go ahead and be motivated to do it...but now everyone is letting me down, my dad doesn't wanna give me any kind of support, be it monetarily or morally...and my mother is "quitting her blood pressure meds so she prefers me not talking to her for a while" so it's kind of really heavy on my mood...
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -0001, 00:00
    sunnyhours, you have YOUR life to lead. Your parents created you, end of that story. That creation does not oblige you to live your life to suit them - they don't live theirs to suit you by all accounts - and your mum is playing that age-old favourite 'The Guilt Game' just to get you to heel. Call her bluff. She's is, apparently, an adult and if she wants to regress to behaving like a five year old that is her perogative.

    Regarding the ex - what did you mean by 'every time I leave' ? Leave what? The restaurant where you met? Where she lives? If things are that good between you, why are you not spending more time together? I think there could be a little more to this than you are letting on! Boot either her, or yourself, back into touch, call your mother's bluff, and get thee to college. You are in your very early twenties - you have a good few decades ahead of you and you need to get yourself sorted for them. I hope you are still using your cane to help you, and doing the meds in the style of House! You got the same blue eyes? DD
    Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben
  • skezier
    skezier Member Posts: 11,333
    edited 30. Nov -0001, 00:00
    Hi Sunny,

    Well done for doing this back to uni thing! You have to do whats right for you just now. Support doesn't always come from the right places or the places we want it. I just wonder if your parents are struggling with your arthritis more than anything else and this is how it comes out?

    I don't know much abut supportive parents or family but cus of that I do know you can do it without their .... I was going to say approval but that's me projecting and it might be very different for you.

    Just for now you might be better to do whats right for you don't let her pull you about emotionally and don't let them change what is right for you.

    I don't know whats behind your parents just that some are not supportive. I guess they don't have a manual and it does sound a bit like they have their own issues as well.

    I wish I knew what to say that could help but you mustn't let it drag you down too far. Cris x
  • dorcas
    dorcas Member Posts: 3,516
    edited 30. Nov -0001, 00:00
    Hi sunny,

    I agree with what others have said.... you can well do without the mental and emotional torture of a relationship that leaves you feeling so let down and confused. :( May be you need to meet with this girl to talk it through properly..... not on a romantic date... cause you'll both get pulled back in... but somewhere quiet over coffee so that you both can say what you feel about your relationship and where it's going.?

    Your parents seem to be stuck in their own wee world and haven't space to listen.. for whatever reason... I'm sorry that's the way it is for you and them just now. do you have other family members that are supportive? brother, sister, gparents?

    try not to let all of this get to you sunny :wink: we will be here for you at any time and will support and listen. It is truly great that you are planning to study.. good on you for having the determination!!

    Iris xxx
  • tkachev
    tkachev Member Posts: 8,332
    edited 30. Nov -0001, 00:00
    I think they call that commitment phobia. She has a great time then when you have gone she panics and has second thoughts. It is because of the way she has experienced relationships in the past.

    Can't be much fun for you though.

    Elizabeth
    Never be bullied into silence.
    Never allow yourself to be made a victim.
    Accept no ones definition of your life

    Define yourself........

    Harvey Fierstein
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,520
    edited 30. Nov -0001, 00:00
    Morning sunnyhours - I must work out what time it is in Canada now - which bit are you in? I hope things are a little brighter for you today. DD
    Have you got the despatches? No, I always walk like this. Eddie Braben
  • tkachev
    tkachev Member Posts: 8,332
    edited 30. Nov -0001, 00:00
    Canada, Happy Thanksgiving day then Sunny hours! I have relatives in Nova Scotia,

    Elizabeth
    Never be bullied into silence.
    Never allow yourself to be made a victim.
    Accept no ones definition of your life

    Define yourself........

    Harvey Fierstein
  • sunnyhours
    sunnyhours Member Posts: 151
    edited 30. Nov -0001, 00:00
    I believe the commitment phobia...it makes sens, she got raped when she was 5 and I'm her first boyfriend she loves. And I made it hard for her to trust me, but I don't wanna hurt her anymore and I know she loves me too so it makes everything much harder...
  • dorcas
    dorcas Member Posts: 3,516
    edited 30. Nov -0001, 00:00
    Oh sunny...

    It must have taken a lot of courage... and trust .. for your girlfriend to confide in you.

    Given what you have said... and how you both feel about each other.. would it be possible for you both to consider counselling?

    I don't know what services are available where you are.. but maybe as a first step you could phone our helpline peeps for support and advice?

    Iris xxx
  • roses1
    roses1 Member Posts: 1,850
    edited 30. Nov -0001, 00:00
    Hi Sunny,

    As Iris said for her to confide in you must of taken some courage and trust.
    If you have betrayed her trust / or made it hard for her to trust you then you have a lot of work to put in , its not going to be easy, but if you love her and she loves you then you may be able to work through it. Perhaps counselling would be an idea but you need to talk to this girl to find out if she wants a future with you and go for the counselling.

    Take it easy and start to re build the trust dont rush her.
    Maybe write her a letter and explain it all, that way both of you will have space to think with out feeling pressured . Hope it helps.

    Best of luck to you.


    Rose x
  • tkachev
    tkachev Member Posts: 8,332
    edited 30. Nov -0001, 00:00
    sunnyhours wrote:
    I believe the commitment phobia...it makes sens, she got raped when she was 5 and I'm her first boyfriend she loves. And I made it hard for her to trust me, but I don't wanna hurt her anymore and I know she loves me too so it makes everything much harder...

    You see she cannot believe she is entitled to a good relationship so pushes you away before she gets hurt.
    Do you know if she has had any counselling? Even now memories are causing her so many problems.Cant say anymore because Im not trained but I have to wish you both well....
    Elizabeth
    Never be bullied into silence.
    Never allow yourself to be made a victim.
    Accept no ones definition of your life

    Define yourself........

    Harvey Fierstein
  • angel1
    angel1 Bots Posts: 1,464
    edited 30. Nov -0001, 00:00
    What Elizabeth has said, is absolutely spot on Sunny. Your girlfriend obviously has very big issues, because of her ordeal at such a very young age.

    I would hope that she has had ongoing therapy since this terrible incident, to help with the various stages of growing up, relationships, and life in general. However, from my own experience as a Counsellor, I would doubt it. Even if she had counselling at the time, that would not have given her the support she needs to be able to fully trust the opposite sex. She would have been far too young to project that far ahead.

    Sadly, and please don`t take this too personally, but it sounds as though you have not helped the situation. You say "I made it hard for her to trust me". Only you know why, but I`m afraid that it sounds very much the answer to your question, regarding her blowing hot and cold.

    If you truly love this girl Sunny, and want to make a life with her, then please arrange for you both to see an experienced therapist. YOU will need to do some deep soul searching though, to be absolutely sure this is what you want, and can deal with. Otherwise it will create further misery for both of you.

    I wish you all the luck in the world with your plans for the future........Ange.x.

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