Do you feel alone?

zechariah

Wow, my wife is amazing and does alot due to the problems I have with mobility, however this morning I just said that my lower back and into legs is numb again, it was met with "we know it does that, why are you telling me".

It hit hard, I find it with alot of people including my mum and the in laws, They ask how I am and I just say "okay", because they dont actually want to know, its being polite!

Does anyone else feel this way?

dippydoodah

I try not to talk to friends about my problems unless they ask first as I usually feel theyre just being polite and don't really want the full story and I dont want to be an arthritis bore.

My family are pretty good and always ask although again I usually give the "oh Im ok" speach. I only go into detail really when Im asked.... Its not because they're not bothered, I just don't like worrying them about it all.

My hubby is great, he knows what Im suffering without me having to say but we try to talk about other stuff anyway and still have a laugh together so that our lives arent just about the arthur.

If I have a problem or just want to vent, I find coming here is great. Noone minds and everyone is in the same boat. You don't feel like your annoying anyone xx

angel1

Zech, I truly believe in the saying "Walk a mile in my shoes". To experience something, is the only way to fully understand it. I don`t for one second believe that your wife realises that she hurt you. She just can`t really know what you are feeling, and I`m sure that`s the way you want it to be.

Take comfort from the fact that your family are always there for you when you need them. Words - albeit so very hurtful at times - are just that. It`s the actions that speak loudest.........Ange.x.

skezier

Hi Zach,

She probably doesn't mean it like that. Its hard for someone to see someone they care about being knocked by a condition that wont improve.

I have to say I don't say to anyone really, if asked why I am limping I just say I hurt but if they ask me if I am ok I usually lie.... its easy and they don't really want to know and some can't deal if they get told....

A mate told me to cover my wrists up cus they were making them feel sick recently and that hurt..... but well they don't look so good and maybe I would have been so tack less once?

I hope your day does improve a bit and the numbness doesn't last to long. Cris x

elnafinn

Hi Zec

Good to see your name here again but I am sorry to hear that you were hurt by your lovely wife's reply this morning. It does hit hard but we do tend to take it out on our nearest and dearest and perhaps at that particular moment, she felt a tad annoyed like we all get from time to time with those we love. Perhaps she was not feeling that great either at that moment in time. I am not making excuses for her but being able to stand back I can perhaps see it from a slightly different angle. None of us ask for all this pain and inconvenience and having to rely on others for help and support, all, most or some of the time.

Try not to harbour a grudge against her, I am sure she is doing her utmost to juggle everything and sometimes if she speaks a little harshly, I am sure she does not mean it.

This is a safe place to have a rant and say how you are feeling. We do understand on here.

I hope your day gets better and this blip between you both can be forgotten about.

Elna x

dorcas

Hi zechariah

I agree with what everyone else has been saying.

If your wife is usually loving , understanding and supportive.... then this morning was just a 'blip' and she may well be annoyed with herself for saying something that hurt you. :!:

ask yourself the question whether you have found yourself being snappy at times? and the answer will no doubt be the same as mine... Yes!

we are all human and get frustrated and angry and upset and sometimes say or do the wrong thing.... usually to the person we care about most! :roll:

talk it over and clear the air. then do something nice together... lunch? or a trip to the cinema.

Iris xxx

zechariah

Me <- Snappy, no....yep grumpy git when in pain, so that is always!

I know it must be difficult to keep hearing and she is very patient unlike the patient.
Was meant to be going out shopping today, I have stayed at home saying not up to it and she has gone with my eldest daughter as I think the break will do her good!

Thanks to all for the replies

woodbon

Hello, I agree with everyone too, and it must be hard sometimes, especially if you feel off colour or a bit fed up to snap back sometimes, she may not even have realised how hurtful what she said was, these things sometimes don't mean anything to the person who says them but, really hurt the ill person. I'm sure she's just as worried about you. Take care, love Sue

tjt6768

zechariah wrote:

Wow, my wife is amazing and does alot due to the problems I have with mobility, however this morning I just said that my lower back and into legs is numb again, it was met with "we know it does that, why are you telling me".

It hit hard, I find it with alot of people including my mum and the in laws, They ask how I am and I just say "okay", because they dont actually want to know, its being polite!

Does anyone else feel this way?

Hi Zech, I have a great and understanding Wife too, but I am quite sure that she must get annoyed with me sometimes... We 're still lucky to have em eh??
Can I just ask more info about your lower back, going numb into your legs... I know you say numb but does it hurt at the same time? Reason I ask is that for weeks now every morning when I wake up I am in bloody agony from my lumbar region down to the soles of my feet! :x It is a horrible numbing, uncomfortable pain.. Just wondered if you had seen anyone about that particular problem?
You can send me a private msg if you like... Might be able to help each other, never know eh?

Tony

elnafinn

Aw, I think the break will do her good going shopping with daughter. Try not to dwell on what happened this morning, Zec. I am sure by the time she returned all was well again. Sometimes it is not always necessary to apologise but just let it go. We tend to know when that time is as we know our other halves, well, don't we? I hope she bought something nice.

Luv
Elna x

frogmorton

Hi Zech

I totally get that

I don't 'moan' to my nearest and dearest anymore too much - just to you lot

They don't really want to know I think.

The how are you is only polite - I save my groans for those I know actually DO care. My husband does for the most part, but only if i 'edit' it for him

I hope your wife has had a lovely shopping trip and that you are ok now?

Love

toni xx

dreamdaisy

I think it is so hard for people around us, those who care about us. They feel helpless as there is nothing they can do to 'fix' things. Arthritis changes our lives, and theirs too. I know the vows include 'in sickness and in health' - everyone assumes the health bit will not change and when the sickness hits it upsets everything.

I suspect she said what she did as there is nothing she can do: the frustration was suddenly just a little too much to handle. I doubt for one moment that she meant to hurt you - it's a burden for everyone in one's family. I am sure you will both be OK, just give each other a little space and time. DD

valval

hi i just say i am ok lol

bambi59

when i start to tell my husband how painfull things are, sometimes his favorite saying is
TELL ME ABOUT IT!!
which actually means dont tell me about it iv had enough!! also means he already knows.
that aside he is a wonderful person, who will do any thing for me any time., but i supose this situation we are both in some times gets to him as much as me, living our lives together is not always easy.

hileena111

Hi Zec
I agree that your wife was probably having a bad day and maybe not very well herself today and she snapped but I'm sure she didnt mean it ...if she is as loving and supportive as you say the rest of the time. We must get to be a pain to our nearest and dearest sometimes .....To most people I just say I'm OK as well.....the ones that really know me and are interested probe a bit more so then I tell them
Love
Hileena

lavenderlady

along with arther i have numerous other illnesses so my family do get fed up with me I try not tell them when I've been to the DRs the people who care more then others is my mum and dad luckly they live across the road from us, mums got signs of alzheimers etc but insists on coming to all my appointments, I do feel hurt when hubbys working hes self employed, so can make time but he doesn't we've been married 31 years so you would think he would show a bit of interest, my kids all grown up youngest is 15 all do not take into consideration that I am in a lot of pain and get angry with me if I cannot do what they want NOW, they still expect me to sort out their problems , its not fair but they do take advatage of me and when I am in pain and snap they cause more problems mums got the hump again comments do not go down well,

lorica

Theres only a few people i will tell how im feeling, but generally i'll say im ok just a little sore.

My mother is really good as she is in the same boat as me regarding arthur (But lives 300miles away from me) so she understands, but my wife and her family are another story, Ive been in a great deal of pain today and my wife spoke to her mother and mentioned about i was in a lot of pain, and her mother replied ".. I thought his new tablets were helping him....", and recently my wifes sister broke her foot, because their parents were away my wife had to move in with her sister to care for her 24/7 (under orders from her mother) so it ment i had to fend for myself and care for our two dogs, and during the week i had a couple of accidents like falling down stairs....! but im only part of the family by marrage my health is less important than the actual blood family, theres been times when we were ment to be going out as a family and ive refused due to pain etc, and her mother turned around and said i was a hypercondriac and the next time i was going even if i was in pain...


I'm going to ban my wife from talking to her mother about my condition! Unfortunatly i think my mother in laws attitude is wiping off on to my wife.....

Sorry about the moan and groan

Mark

valval

mark this is bad place to be but to try to ban your wife talking about something will only make her more likely to go ahead and do it but you must talk to her about how you feel about the way they are treating you it not right and you need suport as well so try to explaine how you are feeling val

hileena111

Dont you find that if you {or anyone else} hnas a plaster on they get a lot more sympathy and understanding thanwe do....Stupiod arthur is so invisible......it practicallydoesnt exist to anyone else...except for a pain or an ache.
Get of your hobby horse Hileena LOL

dreamdaisy

I am not really sure why we expect people to understand: did we understand how others in similar positions were feeling (if we knew anyone, that is) before we were affected? I doubt it! People won't truly understand until they experience something similar themselves. I do feel for those around me who can do nothing: their frustration is nearly equal to mine. The situation isn't easy, hence the value of the forum: others do know, so this is the place to come and let it all out. DD

tjt6768

My brother once said "I wish I just had a bad back so I could get a brand new car every three yrs!! :x Funnily enough, we don't speak now.. (not just because of that comment just so you know)

People can be really insensitive, even family sometimes..

Tony

cythna

lorica wrote:

Theres only a few people i will tell how im feeling, but generally i'll say im ok just a little sore.

My mother is really good as she is in the same boat as me regarding arthur (But lives 300miles away from me) so she understands, but my wife and her family are another story, Ive been in a great deal of pain today and my wife spoke to her mother and mentioned about i was in a lot of pain, and her mother replied ".. I thought his new tablets were helping him....", and recently my wifes sister broke her foot, because their parents were away my wife had to move in with her sister to care for her 24/7 (under orders from her mother) so it ment i had to fend for myself and care for our two dogs, and during the week i had a couple of accidents like falling down stairs....! but im only part of the family by marrage my health is less important than the actual blood family, theres been times when we were ment to be going out as a family and ive refused due to pain etc, and her mother turned around and said i was a hypercondriac and the next time i was going even if i was in pain...

I'm going to ban my wife from talking to her mother about my condition! Unfortunatly i think my mother in laws attitude is wiping off on to my wife.....

Sorry about the moan and groan

Mark

That's horrible Mark, what a thoughtless thing to say. I remember a few years ago on holiday my brother in law saying that I was putting it on, because one day I could do something, and the next day not. It still stings after all this time.

tjt6768

People can be really insensitive eh? I sometimes wish that they could be in our shoes, just for a day, that would be enough for them to understand just a little...

Tony

dreamdaisy

How are things today, zechariah? Any better? I hope so. DD