Frustrated and sad

cthornley

Last night I went for a lovely meal out with some of the mums from the NCT (anti-natel) group that I joined when I had my son. We regularly meet and have remained friends.
We got the joyous news that once again 2 more of the mums are pregnant with number 2....we are at a point in life when this seems to be the constant news, our son is 2.5 and it seems this is a pretty average gap for people.
Great news yet it makes my heart ache
I love my son to bits and my husband and I would both love another one but I have resisted as I am too ill to cope with pregnancy or another child at the moment.
My husband has taken my resistance/reluctance as an indication that I don't want one and gets all sulky with me when the subject comes up. My friends seem to think that because we aren't trying that I obviously don't want another child.


I desperately do and it breaks my heart to hear all these lovely stories and not know when or even if we can do it again. I know it sounds selfish as we already have a wonderful son and i'm sure that we will probably be able to get to a point someday when we can have another one just finding it all a sad and bittersweet at the moment

Chrissie

cthornley

sorry thats a bit of a ramble but just need to get it out of my system
Chrissie

jillyb1

If you do decide to ' give in ' and have another child , you might like to remember that your R A may well calm down during pregnancy . Talk to your rheumy nurse before you decide .

cthornley

jillyb1 wrote:

If you do decide to ' give in ' and have another child , you might like to remember that your R A may well calm down during pregnancy . Talk to your rheumy nurse before you decide .

Unfortunately mine got worse during pregnancy last time due to the extra weight I was carrying and it wasn't the easiest pregnancy or conception thanks to the RA / lack of mtx and I was told that it would be likely to go along similar lines next time.
I was lucky to have fab support last time and I would again but just feel that I started from a good point with my RA last time, and it was difficult. my RA hasn't gone back to behaving and i'm currently having to contemplate anti-TNF so I sensibly aren't at a point where I'm well enough to contemplate making things worse by stopping DMARDS as I can barely cope with my toddler right now as it is.
It just makes me sad that people think that all of this means I don't want another baby.
Chrissie

dippydoodah

im sorry i cant help as i dont really know anything about ra but i just wanted to offer my support and offer gentle hugs and hope that one day you can discuss this with your husband without feeling guilty.
you know there are so many people here if you need them who will probably be able to help and im sure theyll be along soon.
hugss xx

wibberley

Hi Chrissie,

Big hugs from me (((()))). All I can suggest is, be as upfront and honest about your reasons as you can be. You are being very sensible and you have your hands full already with a toddler and work.

Lois x

tkachev

It isn't easy when you want a child and health issues prevent it.
My R.A is more advanced now and the medication prevents any more and that does make me feel sad, even though I have been blessed with 5 beautiful children (from 2x 13 year relationships). Try not to dismiss it completely as others on this forum have been successful, come of medication and had a child, its not impossible.
I feel your OH should be more understanding but they never are very good at understanding our needs,

Elizabeth

frogmorton

Hi Chrissie

So sad and I totally get you. I wasn't stopped from having anymore - I did quit while I was ahead (the eldest being born two and a half months early and the youngest having had a 1:16 chance of having downs syndrome) and was sterilized after the last ceasarian.

Despite the decision being totally mine it broke my heart fro many years when friends went on to have more and i couldn't

I have a friend who is unable to have them at all so I feel even more sad for her as she had to watch us go through it all and have our kids - she went through IVF and cancer with her husband then more IVF which failed.

Bless you - I mean it - it is SO hard so very hard fro you.

I don't know if it helps but this 'time' only goes on for a few more years then they all stop having more children and start to enjoy couple time again.

Sorry i cant help more but I really do feel for you

Love

Toni xx

julie47

Hi chrissie

I can really sympathise with you wantinganother child.

I got my RA after having my daughter 22 years ago.
My family kept saying don't let it be a big gap between her and another child. The pressure was there. I really wanted another child. all my friends also had 2 or 3 children but arthur was too bad for me too.

I did get told that arthur can go into remission but I selfishly didn't want to take that risk, by coming off my meds that had started to work, How would I cope carrying a child and trying to carry myself, and looking after a toddler.

I still do wish I had had more but I love my daughter to bits and she has often said she loved being an only child. She had tonnes of friends round to play so she didn't miss out.

I wish you well in your decision.

JuliePF x

Wonkylegs

Hi Chrissie

I wanted to send you some understanding hugs ((((((((())))))))))))
and to tell you that I don't think you are being at all selfish or ungrateful in how you are feeling. Yes you have your lovely son, but that doesn't change your feelings of loss and grief.

Others look at us and see what they want to see, not what is really going on, and sometimes we don't help them! I know from personal experience that it is far easier to keep these thoughts and feelings inside, rather than to discuss them with others who we fear will probably not understand, or who we fear may judge us badly for what we have said. It doesn't always help us though.

What you are feeling is totally natural - this awful disease that you didn't ask for is apparently robbing you of what you desire most, and that is hard to deal with in itself. Adding into this all your friends who are apparently conceiving with ease, well it just makes the pain more raw, and the thoughts and feelings inside you come so much closer to the surface.

have you thought of talking this situation over with someone outside of your family/friends? someone who is not emotionally involved?

I hope you don't mind me suggesting this, as I found it very helpful myself to be able to talk about my thoughts and feelings and begin to understand how they affected me (and my husband) when we had to face the fact that we will never have a family, at a time when both families were seemingly on a baby boom all around us, and all the children at school seemed to be expecting new arrivals in their own families.

it isn't easy, and there are no right or wrong answers about what to do. but in whatever decision you make, I wish you well.

loads of hugs (((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))
WOnky

marion1952

Hi Chrissie

So sorry to hear you are going through this... I have someone close to me who is facing the same issue.. it's really hard..

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you ..

Marion x

barbara12

Hi Chrissie
You rant and moan all you want my love, I really do feel for you, I do hope that one day soon you will feel you can make a decision, but till them I am sending you loads of hugs ((((((()))))) and I wish you well.
Lots of love
Barbara x

dutchess

Hi Chrissie
I totally understand where ur coming from.i want nothing more then to start a family&last year came off my meds two months in steroids wouldn't control it so had to given up.complicated as don't have straight ra, hav mixed connective tissue disease with ra,sjogrens&cutaneous vasculitis thrown in.my meds r still in a mess few weeks ago hav been changed.friends are having babies knew about last year had understanding/consideration wen breaking news to me&hubby but now recently friend just sent a text.people obviously think we've moved on it's not so easy.it hurts so deep& like Arthur seems to have taken over my life wanting a child &not even being able to get to stage of trying is so painful.like someone mentioned before it's loss&grief.if ur not living it I guess it's difficult to undertand.this forum offers a good opportunity to share our feelings/thoughts with like minded people.remember ur not alone,try talk to other half.what's ur consultant take on things?my hubby attends with me&consultant has made it clear it's a no
go.u've got to be in agood place with Arthur to conceive.try not to put pressue on aself,talk wen u need you'd u need space from friends do so or explain things to them if u think it will help.
Take care
luv Kelly

hileena111

Hi Chrissie
I do sympathise with you...I have 2 with 16 months between them
It was my choice not to have any more.....It was pre arthur but I had well controlled epilepsy and pregnancy set it off. Body excreting the drugs too fast so there wasnt enough drug in my blood to keep me stable.
Then i would have a test and they would say.....not enough drug in your blood and up the tablets and the next time it would be...ooopsss you've almost reached the toxic level and down they would come again
So I had a caeserean and tubal tie.....but I till felt sad about it.
I think you and your husband should sit down and you spell it out to him......be assertive....not aggressive.....let him know exactly how you feel.
We can be very good at not telling our loved ones how we feel or if we need help.....we expect them to know and they dont help and we snap or we hint that things need doing but they dont get done......
You need to talk to him straight.
Sorry if thats my usual ramble Hope you can sort out what I mean
Love
Hileena

tjt6768

Hi, just wanted to give a blokes point of view, we have one daughter who is grown up now, my OA has had me in it's grip for a lot of years now and for most of them I wanted another kid, but I did undersstand my Missus being reluctant as she was the only bread-winner as I couldn't/can't work.. So it never happened.. It's not that we both didn't want another, we did but it just didn't seem right thing to do.. Then three years ago my Missus was diagnosed with heart failure after getting a virus, she was very seriously ill and almost died... She has gotten stronger thanks to almost 15 month off work and the meds keep her alive... BUT, now even if we won the lottery and money was no object we wouldn't be able to have another, it would more than likely be fatal to her.... I know adoption would be one idea, but it's not the same (please don't anyone take offence at that, it's not how I mean it, people who adopt have my utmost respect)

Anyway, that's my two-penneth.....

Tony
A.K.A A bloke..

cthornley

Thank you for all your replies – its nice to hear other peoples experience and know that you’re not alone or crazy, I think I just needed to unload.
The RA has been getting me down recently and I think I’m a bit depressed generally and this is just one more thing that’s pulling at the heart strings.
I know that I am doing the right thing in terms of being sensible and looking at it on real terms but that doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t ache to do the un-sensible thing. I am hoping that the RA will ease a bit and at the moment I am just going through a blip which I can get past in the long term. I mean I have been better than this before so fingers crossed (metaphorically of course as I’d never get them uncrossed otherwise) I can get back to a point where we can look at this again, I just think it’s hard when nearly everybody you know is doing something you are desperate to do but can’t. I’m just going to focus on the wonderful things that my ridiculously comical 2 year old keeps coming out with and how fab it is and how lucky we are to have him.
This morning was a classic..... “Mummy do you know I’m shy?” just before bounding across the room at nursery dressed as a skeleton to rugby tackle his best friend to the floor in a monster hug. :shock:
Thanks again for listening
Chrissie

hileena111

Hi Chrissie
Dont know if it will cheer you up but its the branch meeting this Monday at 7pm {if you can sort your toddler out} Quiz and a buffet as far as I know

Love
Hileena

marion1952

Hi Chrissie

I like the 'I'm shy' story!

Marion x

woodbon

Hi, I can understand how you feel, I have OA and I'm 55, but I had a hystorectomy when I was about 30, and we have never been able to have chilldren. Mostly, when I was younger I was fine, but, sometimes it seemed as if the whole world were pregnant and I was just an outsider looking in.
I feel for you because I'm sure it must be harder when you know that maybe you could have another baby, at least for me the decision was final and no options out, which personally I think is easier to come to terms with. Now I'd love to be a Granny, a lot of my friends are and seem to love it!!!
All I came on to say really, is that sometimes life dos'nt give us just what we want, but dispite not having children, I have a happy marriage and share in my friends children. I know this is your desission and I have know real right to say this, but don't have a baby to please someone else, however hard you'r tempted. Life has lots to offer you and your husband, the child you have is wonderful and you can give him/her lots of attention and that may be whats right for you.

Lots of love Suexxxx