Been A While

fester

Hi all, hope your all ok or as well as can be anyway. Been a while since last posted so thought a update was in order. My wife Gill was scheduled for a knee revision in late July this year, however the week of her pre-op she got a bad chest infection so i rang the pre-op nurse who on hearing this told me Gill's op will have to be postponed and besides which her surgeon really was not happy doing a revision a year after her first op and was really worried about Gill's survival prospects being as she got a infection the first time plus they had to give her quite alot of blood (which was never mentioned after her op). Now Gill had been having serious doubts about going ahead so that piece of news gave her the push she needed so basically her knee's are on hold for two years at least if ever, in the meantime she tries her best on crutches (ever watched anyone hoover on crutches? it was her first and last time :roll: ) and pain killers. We are going to try get her a 2nd hand mobility scooter like mine so i can get her out for a change of scenery.

As for myself i've been on humira for what nine months now and have noticed a small change but not the life changing event i hoped for, still got RA in hands,wrists and feet plus the already damaged area's ie neck,spine and ribs barely any change though i can sneeze without pain now so thats a bonus i suppose. Didn't expect too much as was told most damage had been already done in neck,spine wrists etc and was basically not going to improve anyway. Getting abit of pain and stiffness in right hip replacement and left feels stiff and squeaks! at times ( right 34 years old, left 10 years old) so looks like a visit to the saw bones before much longer.

Mentally i'm a mess though i can thank goodness talk about it,tried to commit suicide by running scooter in front of lorry thankfully common sense kicked in and i reversed and lorry braked. Keep thinking about ways to kill myself etc and feel like my life has been a waste of space,paranoia in that being disabled feel everyone and the government are out to get us and name calling,whispering behind my back. Worried sick about next years IB/DLA medical which is sure to arrrive after Febuary,though will appeal for what its worth and adamant i will rather stave to death than being forced to work when my GP and consultant both agree as well as myself i'm not fit for work (besides who would care for Gill, if she fell and cut/hurt herself badly being on high levels of warfarin for life she'd be in big trouble).
My temper is easily shot and several inanimate objects eg walls, doors etc have had a good thrashing over little things like dropping food and trying to pick it up or more bad news on tv, internet (if you really want to depress yourself about how sections of the public feel about the sick and disabled read the comments on sky news, Gill has actually banned me from going on that webpage). The list goes on,i'm still here for Gill and a very close relative in a similar condition to me with chronic AS/RA but all i see is darkness ahead,though seen my GP who referred me to pain clinic and i've talked to someone in mental health on the phone,now waiting for appointment for counselling to try sort my issues and and anger management out.
So basically life goes on such as it is and all we can do is hope the situation resolves itself one way or the other.Thank you for reading and my best wishes to you all.
Steve

mellman01

Fester you old bugger I wondered where you'd gone to, by heck mate sounds like you've been through the mill and back again, sorry to hear your really down mate I and those on here can empathise withsom e if not all of your problems and how it makes you feel, it seems that most people who have no other pain than the odd headache aren't interested in anyone else but themselves', my line manager is one of those, no sympathy and loads of snide comments, you should have heard him moaning about his stiff neck the other day, he hurt it at the gym, boy you'd have thought he was dying the twatt.
Anyway dude great your back on here and please before you try jumping a lorry on a moped again please come on here and speak to use first that's what were here for, the least we can do is to make sure your going to use the right sort of bike, I mean a scooter that's just so last year you could have used a Harley fester!. Joking!. :oops:
This site is really a gold mine you might not get the answer you need right away but there are a lot on here who know the system etc, anyway good your back on here just keep posting, it helps to break the problems down into more smaller easier to deal with chunks makes the monster less formidable and you will have a tribe on here who have deep sympathy and empathy with your problems.
take care mate and please don't disappear just yet.

joanlawson

Hi Steve, and thank you for the update. I can see how difficult life is for you and Gill, and I'm very sad to hear that you are at such a low ebb. Thank Heaven that you didn't run your scooter into the lorry, but I am concerned that you feel your life has been ''a waste of space''. I am positive that it definitely hasn't been, and Gill certainly wouldn't agree about that.

I think it is disgusting that the government are piling all this stress onto people in your situation. I'm sure you wouldn't be expected to work, but it is wrong that you have all this worry.

I think you need all the support you can get, and I hope that your consultations at the pain clinic and for counselling will help you. In the meantime, don't forget that the Helpline on here is there for you too. The Samaritans also offer a support service either on-line, face -to- face, or on the phone, so they could help too if you are feeling very depressed.

http://www.samaritans.org/default.aspx

Does your doctor know how depressed you are feeling? I would urge you to seek help from your GP, and explain exactly how you feel.

All the best

Joan

barbara12

Hi Steve
I wondered where you had gone to,I am sorry you are feeling so down, like Joan says and Mell you need to see someone, quite alot of people on here have had to seek help, and sometimes go on Antidepressants, they really do work, and know they are not for life but just to get you over the bad times.
But dont forget we are always here to talk to, just talking about everything will make you feel easier.
I do hope things improve very soon, give my love to Gill
And dont disappear again.
Love
Barbara x

lupin15

Hi Steve
I am a newbie to this forum but had to say hello and i am so sorry to here you have been having such a rough time.
Must admit that i have had to take stuff to help me through some low times so it maybe worth considering.I took St Johns wort which is a natural Antidepressants drug which abroad is prescribed instead of chemical drugs. Must ask your GP as it can react with some other drugs. I am sure you will get more messages from the people that know and love you...Chin up tomorrow is another day and remember to talk...it really does help. Cyber Hugs XXXXXXX
opps so focussed on you Steve forgot to say Hi to your wife.

skezier

Hi Steve,

Sorry I missed this and glad you have popped in to post.

Sorry your feeling down there, its so much to take in and I sort of wonder if a chat with the helplines might help you?

Your not and your life's not a waste f space and I so hope things all get easier for you both soon. Please keep in touch. Cris x

fester

Thank you for your kind thoughts, it really cheered me up reading your comments. You know sometimes it is so easy to forget your not on your own, that there are folk in the very same position if not worse that and the plus fact i do have friends on here whom i can talk and relate to

Of late i've not been too bad with my moods though still issues with anger management (as computer desk will testify last night). Waiting for appointment with psych counsellor after thirty min chat preliminary chat,hopefully not too long now. Got appointment with pain clinic early December as GP not sure what meds to give as i suffer with respiratory depression,hypertension and enlarged prostrate for my sins as well as my RA/AS so bit concerned about side effects etc and thought it wise to refer me to them. Also on Zolpidem for my chronic insomnia which i only take when desperate as i've started listening to some sleep relaxation mp3 etc which surprising do seem to help.

Gill is not too bad but desperately worried about me so much that its now affecting her health mentally and physically (she's a born worrier and so caring it hurts when she see someone suffering) therefore i'm trying my best to be cheerful and upbeat.

We're both gearing slowly up for Christmas ( another excuse to rob a poor mans pocket) and hopefully have my cousin (who is actually a damn sight worse than me with her spine and generalised arthritis which seems to be spreading) and her daughter stay with us over the festive break.

Will keep in touch and wishing you all well
Steve

barbara12

Hi Steve,
Its good to hear from you, we all worry about one another on here, so like you say never on your own, maybe talking about it to us lot made you feel a little bit easier.
You know what they say small steps, you will get there.
My love to you both
Barbara x