Auntie Annie's Agony Assistance

annie_mial

Now, all you peeps out there..........it getting late in the year and the nights are drawing in - the Festive Season has started.

It occurred to me that some of you could do with a little help from an 'older' person........someone who knows which side of the knife you eat mashed potatoes with...........and whether or not you need to remove the tinsel from your pudding before you eat it. Not only remove it, but how to do it with grace and tact.

Then there are all the other little puzzling problems which may be plagueing many individuals at this time of the year. For instance, is it correct to take your crutches to a party - thereby giving your hosts the impression that you intend to get legless at their expense - or should you leave them parked in a handy place for when you do leave legless?

These and many other niggling worries can be overcome! Just plug into Auntie Annie's Assistance thread and all your embarrassing little problems can be sorted immediately.........

Over to you.....I am just here to help.

Annie

annie_mial

Dear Fat Kev

It does so depend on which style of mankini you prefer to wear. The, er....cheaper end of the market which have elastic (elastic? perish the thought!) will often respond to a charming little wiggle, however, if that does not cure the problem, then a slight adjustment to the upper part of the rear is permitted.

Should you be wearing a more up-market arrangement with side ties, then clearly a slight adjustment to one side should be comfortable enough.

Of course, to avoid all such problems, a thong is easier to control.

Love
Auntie Annie

frogmorton

Dear Auntie Annie

I am so glad you have started this - I have several small worries which you can maybe help me with?

Firstly is it ok for a gentleman to take a stick with a pewter 'head' on it to a festive gathering (containing a small quantity of 'the hard stuff'), if so is he obliged to share the enclosed beverage?

thank you Auntie Annie

annie_mial

Dear Froggy

In these circumstances, a gentleman should make sure that his use of his own personal facilities is discreet and rapid. This will ensure that 'sharing' is never necessary unless he so wishes, of course.

This discreet approach may entail some practice, which is best carried out at home and lying down. It is an art which can be quickly learned provided the practice is regular.

Auntie Annie
xxx

dreamdaisy

Hello Aunti Annie, I do have a problem (I can hear the chorous of 'Yes, you do!') but this is the one I wish to put to you: when under the mistletoe what is the correct etiquette for kissing? A quick 'mwah-mwah', a less hurried peck on the cheek, a touch on the lips or full-on tongue wrestling? Does that depend on the quantities of adult grape juice consumed? (Other adult drinks would also be available). Yours, a perplexed DD (who always gets it wrong)

annie_mial

Yes, I can see you might have a problem with this one. A lifetime's experience (I started young) had shown me that it is very dependent on the circumstances.

For instance, if the recipient is the hunk 3 houses down and 2 across, I tend to go into it with my boots on - no holds barred! However, if it's Cecil from next door, with a bit of luck I can pretend I haven't seen either him or the mistletoe.

The key to this is a little homework, DD, so that you are able to make swift decisions about whether it is the hunk approaching you, or Cecil. This may require a little role-playing from Mr. DD, but you should have no problems there unless it is impossible to imagine him as Cecil. Should that be the case, when the next occasion presents itself, simply duck.

Those who fall in-between these categories can generally be assessed fairly quickly. If, upon approach, they are weaving gently and have a glazed I've-had-three-pints-and-I-fancy-you, I find it does depend on how much patience I have left. Sad to say, once or twice an intended Lothario has found himself down on the floor as my patience runs out, 'cos the answer is simples - dodge. Again, it does require split second timing, but you (in spite of the crutches) are almost certainly quicker than he will be.

As for the rest, well, if it's a good day, then a light peck will suffice. Very occasionally on a bad day I have been known to bite, but it hasn't happened often. I find a gentle one-size-fits-all 'Mwah, slurp" fits most cases.

Very rarely you get a pest who refuses to accept your gentle response and insists on diving in the deep end. In a case like that, biting, kicking and scratching are perfectly acceptable, and a knee (or crutch handle) in the right place can disable them for days.

Hope this helps
Auntie Annie

joanlawson

Dear Auntie Annie

Further to mistletoe etiquette, is it permissable to carry a small sprig of it with me to use in those emergency situations when there is none in the right place at the right time :?:

dreamdaisy

Thank you Auntie Annie, that was most helpful. I suspect that Mr DD will be making a bee-line for the mistletoe from the word go - there are some (female) neighbours upon which he has set his beady eye, so I suspect I shall just have to boot him out of the way so that I can have my turn (do you live near me? You seem to know who my neighbours are!) I do hope you are able to assist joanlawson, who has raised an extraordinarliy good point. DD

annie_mial

joanlawson wrote:

Dear Auntie Annie

Further to mistletoe etiquette, is it permissable to carry a small sprig of it with me to use in those emergency situations when there is none in the right place at the right time :?:

Oh, definitely! Perfectly permissible to pin some to your hat, wear some over your ear, or any other place you feel would be applicable, but only if you are 95% certain 'he' will be there.
Given hard times (and we're told it is a recession now) I have even resorted to (whisper it) plastic mistletoe.

AA

tonesp

Dear Auntie Annie We have been invited to Christmas dinner at the house of some friends However the Lady of the House can't cook and always loads your plate with food you can't stand In the absence of the dogs How do I dispose of this withoput causing offence Eating it is not an option :oops: :oops: :oops:

annie_mial

Well, some questions are easy! Simply refuse the invitation and make for the nearest McDonalds/KFC/Little Chef (or whatever is the Spanish equivalent).

Annie

frogmorton

dEAR aUNTIE aNNIE

Sorry caps lock :oops:

An early Christmas worry.....

Having visited my local supermarket yesterday I discovered some chocolate brandy and brandy cherry liqueurs (mmm....) feeling somewhat peckish this morning I have eaten a whole box (a bargain at £1).

There is one obvious result of this gross overeating...a distinctly queasy feeling

But what I need to know is whether on not i am likely to be over the limit to drive as I have run out of one or two essential provisions?

Love

Toni x (hic)

annie_mial

Yes, and it is entirely your own fault. You should know that under such circumstances one should share..........this solves the problem immediately as not so many are eaten by one person.

As punishment you will now have to walk to obtain the necessary essentials.

Auntie Annie

tonesp

Not that simple Auntie Annie They are very good friends AND HE'S A PLUMBER

valval

Auntie Annie
it the age old problem the works christmas do. how do you get out of going ,with out everyone thinking you are a boaring old fart please help so have the answer ready when they come around with the list thanks for your help sure it will be great val

annie_mial

Let's see now...........Tonesp.......a plumber, eh? Mmmm, that does make it a little more difficult.

However, there are a number of options open to you. You can tell her that your medications prevent you from eating what-ever-it-is and that you will happily settle for a jam sandwich instead. You can also explain in a very loud voice that you are suffering badly from IIABIWASO which should make certain that they sit you at a separate table where you can cope with it with the aid of a plastic bag.

Again, with a little thought, you can tip your drink 'accidentally' over the entire mess - it's rather a waste of Scotch, but does make it more palatable.

Another thought - tip several drinks over it!

Lastly, and my favourite - get totally pie-eyed before you go; you won't care then whether it is a jam sandwich or the dog's dinner you are eating.

xx
Auntie Annie

annie_mial

Ah, Val, my dear.

Yes, this is a question which will perplex many people I'm sure, but there are ways round it.

If you are completely sure that the usual one of already being engaged for that afternoon/evening/whatever is a no-no, then there is the option of announcing a few days beforehand that you believe you have monkey-flu. This will worry them so much they will spend their time researching the symptoms and will not notice your absence from the jollities - and if they do, they will (secretly) be very relieved.

There is, of course, the usual option of breaking a leg, but I believe this should only be used as a last resort and in desperation.

Personally, I simply don't turn up; and when I see them again, I confess I have the worst memory in the world and thought it was next Tuesday. If I have a feeling that this won't work (it has happened) then well, see above.........I have a few at home and by the time I get there, I couldn't give a monkey's where I am!

Love
Auntie Annie

frogmorton

Dear auntie Annie

Thank you for yesterday's advice. I finally got back form the supermarket with my new supplies about 10pm last night and said supplies were consumed by 1012pm :oops:

Gone off 'em now....

On an entirely different, but not unrelated topic.... is it considered (in polite society of course), impolite to tip one's head back and squirt the entire can of double whipped cream into one's own mouth in one go. Or is one obliged, in fact, to share....?

Yours very hopefully

toni xx

dreamdaisy

Share, frogmorton? SHARE? What ludicrous nonsense is that? Surely the host should supply one can per person, I do. Oooooops, sorry AA, I got carried away. :oops: Mea culpa. DD

valval

thankyou auntie annie and rehab do like the hamster one do you need to have one??? or can you fib

barbara12

Dear Auntie Annie
I love this thread...I had a real Auntie Annie,,,anyway, my question is about cheats...has you know I am crocheting a baby blanket...well I have only done 3 squares :roll: this blanket was promised for Christmas...would it be ok to buy one and say I made it :oops:
Barbara x

annie_mial

Dear me, I can see that the worries regarding the Festive Season are piling in thick and fast.

Toni, ducks, you don't need to share one squirt (especially not if he lives next door). This question is akin to eating condensed milk straight from the tin......best done discreetly, but if caught, brazen it out! Just glare and reach for another.

Del

1. Yes

2. Yes

3. Whichever is the heavier. Aluminium weighted with lead would be perfect.

Barbara

In a case such as this, cheating is permissible. Er.....do you have a craft shop handy? Some sell crocheted squares in packs ready for sewing together.

Should that not be a viable option, then the best thing would be to come clean. Buy a blanket and promise the home-made one for the following Christmas explaining that you haven't been able to complete it due to the stresses and strains of the Season.

Love to all
Auntie Annie

frogmorton

Wonderful!

Thanks Annie

Did you see the prog last night where the chap made an entire fire extinguisher full of the stuff?

Bliss............

barbara12

Thank you Auntie Annie
I will go and seek out a craft shop, what a brilliant idea
Barbara x

lindalegs

Dear Auntie Annie,

Shall I play on the forum or do my ironing? :?

annie_mial

Ironing? Ironing?? Whatever's that?

You leave unknown things alone, my girl. You might get your fingers burnt. Just get cracking on the posts!

Love
Auntie Annie