Things I have learned about raspberries...

tjt6768

While away up here in the forest I have had several encounters with said beasties, they wait until dark, then they strike... Being the only bloke hereI feel it is my duty to stand guard through the night. I have bought myself some night goggles just in case, but here are the things I have learned so far:

1: They are ferocious meat eaters
2: They prefer human meat!
3: They like the dark
4: They like the damp
5: Numbers 3 and 4 are the main reason Rob has such a bad infestation in his underwear drawer
6: Pregnant ones glow in the dark
7: Contrary to popular belief, a raspberry ripple is not a derogatory cockney slang term for some of us but in fact it's the official term for a gang of the wee beasties
8: They sharpen their teeth on telephone masts
9: They sometimes disguise themselves as red squirrels as I discovered to my cost last night
10: They are only afraid of three things-
A- Raisins
B- Geordies
C- Terry Wogan



I hope that you never find yourself in a situation where you will need to know any of the above, we have another 4 nights of none stop berry fights, good job the mother-inlaw turned out to be a secret ninja..

Wish me luck, I hope to still be with you tomorrow..

Tony :shock:

annie_mial

Oh dear, what about the white ones? Are they safe?

I distinctly remember eating some about thirty years ago (haven't seen any since) - will they come back and haunt me?

Anxiously
Annie

coco67

its the ones with the super nasty wee maggots in them you have to realy be afraid of.

barbara12

Hi Tony
Now I will be having nightmares about raspberries...I already have them about Terry Wogan.
Barbara x

joanlawson

Crikey Tony, and to think I've got some captured in my freezer :!: Better not defrost them ever, by the sound of it. Good luck, and I hope you survive :!:

lupin15

Good luck and our thoughts are with you. I am going to hide until the little buggers have gone....

tjt6768

annie_mial wrote:

Oh dear, what about the white ones? Are they safe?

I distinctly remember eating some about thirty years ago (haven't seen any since) - will they come back and haunt me?

Anxiously
Annie

My dearest Annie, I am afraid that it's curtains for you, you see the white raspberries are the most evil of all berries, they let you easy them, leading you into a false sense of security... Then 31 years to the day of consumption later They pop out like alien did with join hurt, on fact that film was entirely based on a bad berry incident that john hurt encountered while filming the elephant man.... That wasn't make up, he'd had an allergic reaction.. So now your only option is to place a stereo-gram near to your abdomen, play sir terry at full volume for 6 minutes and 9 seconds, I am legally not allowed to recommend a second longer as that is the legal limit for playing wogan in this country, he's radio shows have all had to be made by impressionist john collshaw for the last thirty years since the law came into force after the wogan suicides of '79.. Sorry but there is nothing else I can advise for you.. I sincerely hope that the terryxcism, a wogan exorcism, works for you....

Tony
X

tjt6768

Coco, you hit the mail on the head, the ones with the maggots on are the leaders, they have mind control powers, how do you think hugh fearnley wittingstall manages tho put one for in front of the other.. The berrys thought that they had taken control of someone important when they saw him on the one show, little did they know that he is a buffoon.. :shock:

coco67 wrote:

its the ones with the super nasty wee maggots in them you have to realy be afraid of.

tjt6768

Barbara, you must not under any circumstances dream about the two at the same time, it will send any in the vacinity into a feeding frenzy... I recommend electric shock therapy, its the only option,
Tony :?

barbara12 wrote:

Hi Tony
Now I will be having nightmares about raspberries...I already have them about Terry Wogan.
Barbara x

tjt6768

My dear friend Joan,I would have hoped that you knew better, they will love it in the freezer.. You must get them out right now and incinerate them, careful not to make eye contact, they know your inner most desires..
Tony :!:

joanlawson wrote:

Crikey Tony, and to think I've got some captured in my freezer :!: Better not defrost them ever, by the sound of it. Good luck, and I hope you survive :!:

tjt6768

Thank you for your kind wishes but I find your cowardice alarming, this is not the dunkirk spirit! We ares at war you know....

Very disappointed right now :x

lupin15 wrote:

Good luck and our thoughts are with you. I am going to hide until the little buggers have gone....

coco67

im affraid the only solution for taming these rotten rasberries is..................The Blender !!!!!!

trap them in and start it up fast, dont switch off untill they are just liquid

tjt6768

Coco, I think I am going to make you my sergeant in this war.. You have a deep understanding of our devious enemy.. You do know that the liquid must be drunk by did terry himself to be neutralised? If you cannot get close enough to him thena good back up is Brendan from coach trip, the berrys cannot stand the campness..
Tony the general

coco67 wrote:

im affraid the only solution for taming these rotten rasberries is..................The Blender !!!!!!

trap them in and start it up fast, dont switch off untill they are just liquid

coco67

if we can get him to the local pub then i will make sure he drinks and nutralises all the blended rasberries 8) i will use my persuasive ways to make him drink (no not my female charm ) we will have them sorted in no time, just you be careful untill i give you the rondevue time,

take a blender to your room tonight and leave it on the side by your bed, better to be safe.

right boss a blending duties i must do, sir 8)

joanlawson

tjt6768 wrote:

My dear friend Joan,I would have hoped that you knew better, they will love it in the freezer.. You must get them out right now and incinerate them, careful not to make eye contact, they know your inner most desires..
Tony :!:

joanlawson wrote:

Crikey Tony, and to think I've got some captured in my freezer :!: Better not defrost them ever, by the sound of it. Good luck, and I hope you survive :!:

Thanks for the warning, Tony. I've just had a big bonfire in the garden, and their screams could be heard far and wide as they were incinerated. I was very careful not to make eye contact with them, but one of them stole a glance just as he went into the flames. He died with a mysterious smile on his face.

tjt6768

That's what I like to hear from my sargent, initiative.. Keep up the good work..
General Tony

coco67 wrote:

if we can get him to the local pub then i will make sure he drinks and nutralises all the blended rasberries 8) i will use my persuasive ways to make him drink (no not my female charm ) we will have them sorted in no time, just you be careful untill i give you the rondevue time,

take a blender to your room tonight and leave it on the side by your bed, better to be safe.

right boss a blending duties i must do, sir 8)

tjt6768

Oh Joan, that was no smile, that was the raspberry death stare.I'm afraid that you'll have to de -stare yourself, you must do this by midnight tomorrow, full instructions can be found at www.howtogetoveraraspberrydeathstare.com

Tony

joanlawson wrote:

tjt6768 wrote:

My dear friend Joan,I would have hoped that you knew better, they will love it in the freezer.. You must get them out right now and incinerate them, careful not to make eye contact, they know your inner most desires..
Tony :!:

joanlawson wrote:

Crikey Tony, and to think I've got some captured in my freezer :!: Better not defrost them ever, by the sound of it. Good luck, and I hope you survive :!:

Thanks for the warning, Tony. I've just had a big bonfire in the garden, and their screams could be heard far and wide as they were incinerated. I was very careful not to make eye contact with them, but one of them stole a glance just as he went into the flames. He died with a mysterious smile on his face.

joanlawson

OMG, Tony :!: Death by raspberry stare :!: :shock: :shock: I'm much too young and beautiful to die :!: I have looked up http://www.howtogetoveraraspberrydeathstare.com, but the instructions to de-stare myself seem very strange- something about dancing the floral dance with Terry Wogan in Trafalgar Square when the moon is full :?: :?: I suppose it's my only hope :shock:

mummyb

OMG not the return of the killer raspberries, there's no hiding place eeeekkkkkkkk

tjt6768

Ladies and gentlemen, we all must learn from the wise one Del.. For what he has said here is our one and only true defence from these horrid things... Once you have carried out the afore mentioned action the berry should explode, hence the term ' blowing a raspberry'
let's be careful out there!
Tony

PS, Joan, I hope you got to trafalgar square on time? :shock:

delboy wrote:

Upon seeing the offending fruit fill mouth with air, stick tongue out and blow.

mirabella

oh my word! how am I ever going to be able to look at or eat my dad's wonderfull raspberry flan after reading what these little red/white devils are capable off.I will be gazing at his dozens of canes all beautifully tended from a very respectfull distance!! Mirabella

dreamdaisy

I certainly had not realised how dangerous these wee beasties are: thanks for the alert Tony, in future I shall handle them with far more care and respect. DD

tjt6768

If you are going to insist on handling them then you must,I repeat MUST, wear oven gloves!!!

Tony

dreamdaisy wrote:

I certainly had not realised how dangerous these wee beasties are: thanks for the alert Tony, in future I shall handle them with far more care and respect. DD

joanlawson

Do you mean to tell me that after all that dancing round Nelson's Column with Terry last night, all I really needed to do was to blow a few raspberries in order to live :?: :shock: It would have been a lot more simple ( although Terry and I are now thinking of going on Strictly Come Dancing next year )

joanlawson

delboy wrote:

I'm told that the seeds of this invidious fruit can be fatal to older people as the seeds hide under their dentures and burrow through the roof of their mouths into what's left of their brain. Research is continuing to see if this is the cause of dementia.

Which seeds are they, Del :?: Sorry, I forgot :shock:

tjt6768

After another tiring evening of battling the enemy, I have learned some more-
1- after one particularly nasty berry jumped on my head from above, I now know that they hate the taste of brilcream...
2- they don't fear the reaper, so obviously never heard the song by fleetwood mac...
3- they carry their young in a pouch at the front, teaching them how to be wicked by example...
4- the king of raspberries is known to be partial to wearing lacie underwear and likes to be called susan...
5- it really hurts when they bite you on the bum...
6- they can communicate with the dead by whistling...
7- their favourite film (this includes ALL raspberries) is dirty dancing...

Just a few more things that may aid us in this battle..


Tony