How I feel right now.

mellman01 · 9. Nov 2010, 14:10

I think it started when Len had his slight problem and it hasn’t gone away BC for example, I don’t know what she posted but it takes two to tango as they say, someone knows more than me on this latest situation, bottom line is it doesn’t sit well with me, what did she say that was so heinous as to get the old heave ho from here?, and how was/is it done anyway, is it moderator who decides or is it the offended party who forces the banishment?. And what are the boundaries anyway? I have had the odd post pulled for what I consider very silly reasons, oh I no they don’t tell you what exactly what was the catalyst but I knew what it was it didn’t take a genius to work it out, and ironically it was nothing more than the truth but it got banned anyway.
This site feels to me as if it’s been infected by the same reverse logic that inflicts our so called society, people take offence at the slightest thing it’s so bad you daren’t say what you see even when it’s obvious, instead you have to dance around the bloody issue as if it was as deadly as a land mine hopping not to step on it, the other way to deal with the “offence” issue is just not bother at all apathy wins if this is the case, bottom line is it’s a mine field on here now, and the killers is no one can tell when they will step on the old metaphorical “offence” antipersonnel mine as there are no clear signs or warnings to watch out for them, it’s a bit like being a fly webs with devious spiders sitting in the middle waiting for a victim, no it’s just better to keep it bland and grey and that’s OK, but is it?, I’m not sure if there are those who come on here to bait people up for some perverse kind of pleasure, as I said I’m not sure but I would imagine it has been done before, I suspect there could even be small groups forming alliances to pool their resources so to speak, I mean we have every other human trait on here so it’s highly probable, I might be totally wrong on this but I thought it was a relevant worry.
If it’s really the case that this has happened then that’s reprehensible, totally out of order and just not cricket, and I strongly feel it goes against the very ethos of this site, banishment should be the last thing to be used we are always told about mediation being the way forward, well I hope in all cases it’s been given a fair crack of the whip.
Also is there any level of empathy used as mitigating circumstances regarding the alleged offender?, I always worry that they could well be in pain have serious personal problems that although we aren’t aware of should be given serious consideration and due make adjustments made for them, they just might need this site more than we will ever know a lot of us here are in varying levels of pain and that can make us snappy and less tolerant (been there got the T shirt!), but it sadly seems the saying sticks and stones has been totally forgotten these day’s.
OK so I might be coming to the wrong conclusions here and the offender is really out of order by posting malicious PM’s to the offended person but even that wouldn’t make me want them banished, if I got one of you thrown off from here for posting something nasty about me then I personally feel mortified that my actions had cost you so dearly. I’m thick skinned so would just ignore them, in the end they will get bored and find someone more gullible, if not I would ignore them even more, they usually hate that and plays havoc with their minds.
The thing is on here is I never ever try to take things to heart to much, but that said you must be able to sorry when you have made a mistake, and if your lucky there will be those on here who will PM you and point out the error, been done to me before and I was very grateful too!.
But also it’s really really important for those “offended” to immediately stand back and think before firing off a retort, this is the point of no return and if left goes Pete Tong very fast, take a deep breath and think calm thoughts, walk away before you take keyboard to screen, time is the best tool we can use on here, forum rage is a present and lurking danger we must all watch out for, I learnt this lesson driving, I just smile and carry no rude signs etc you never know if they will pull you over and stab you these day’s, I use social camouflage it’s a darn site better and is conducive to your longevity, go with the dolphins and chill it’s good for your blood pressure as well.
The bottom line is banishment is a tragedy for them and the rest of us, as each time it’s applied it means that it is much more likely to be used again and some day it might be one of us who might be in the frame.
Right I’ve said my piece, I can’t help how I feel but I thought it about time I said what is in my thoughts, no more dancing round land mines life’s to short, in the end we only have each other as we have a lot in common due to OA and RA, if we can’t even get along then all hope is lost, we are a small tribe and I’d like to think we could all be a tad more harmonious, our common experiences and have been forged in a very powerful crucible, it’s a rare thing to say but we can all with hand on heart say we have been actually been there or at least close enough to know what we are on about, and I believe we have a deeper empathy for each other than any healthy sanctimonious sisters in arms. outsider can ever have, in the end I see us as brothers and sisters in arms against a common foe, if we can't get along then we don't deserve this forum.

valval · 9. Nov 2010, 14:19

gosh this took some reading but it is full of truth if i thought another person lost the right to come on here because of me i would feel i had let them down we all need to be able to say we are sorry and that we did not mean things to read as they did to step back is good advice well put mel never leave we need you balance val

mellman01 · 9. Nov 2010, 14:42

Thanks Val and pixy, you can tell me the 6 winning numbers to this week lottery as well while your at it can you Jan?.

lindalegs · 9. Nov 2010, 14:46

Well said Mell - bet your fingers ache after typing all that.

I do feel that sometimes it's the people who 'walk' when they know they've upset others rather than them being banished. I've only ever known one person who I suspect was banned from the site, that was for good reason and was also a long time ago.

Sometimes people have left and then come back in another guise. 8)

You're right though we do all need one another in the fight against our common enemy - arthur.

Luv Legs

lupin15 · 9. Nov 2010, 14:53

Gosh.....
Life is to short for you wonderful people to fall out.
Pain is a real bugger with how it effects the way to respond to comments/people. I have have had a test of faith and a difficult journey over the last 5 years with my battle against cancer and now the joys of Arthur. During that journey which is still continuing i have meet some wonderful and inspirational people who have changed my view on life.
Laughter has been my saving grace but humour can be different to each person which i understand. So God forbid i upset someone or say something out of line please for god sake tell me. I am a big girl now and would hate to think that i have written something that i thought was funny and wasn't. On the other hand maybe people may need to lighten up.
As for the 6 winning numbers wait in line...still have not managed to work it out for myself...Big party folks if i did win...all would be invited.

robertls · 9. Nov 2010, 14:57

3....5....7....8....15....45....

Next question.....

Rob x

mellman01 · 9. Nov 2010, 15:02

Hi Lupin well if you win can I have a gold zimmer frame please?, well that and a porsche cayenne!.

Thanks rob, now if I don't win I will want me quid back off you!!!!.

bertyboy · 9. Nov 2010, 15:06

very thought provoking Mell

robertls wrote:

3....5....7....8....15....45....

Next question.....

Rob x

right thats my numbers sorted for the lotty

thanks Rob

robertls · 9. Nov 2010, 15:17

bertyboy wrote:

very thought provoking Mell

robertls wrote:

3....5....7....8....15....45....

Next question.....

Rob x

right thats my numbers sorted for the lotty
thanks Rob

Just be my luck you would win........

And I hope you do.......

Rob x

cebeem · 9. Nov 2010, 15:43

Food for thought Mel well done taking time to write this!

Well not this! :arrow:

There's a calm surrender to the rush of day
When the heat of the rolling world can be turned away
An enchanted moment, and it sees me through
It's enough for this restless warrior just to be with you
And can you feel the love tonight
It is where we are
It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer
That we got this far
And can you feel the love tonight
How it's laid to rest
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds
Believe the very best
There's a time for everyone if they only learn
That the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn
There's a rhyme and reason to the wild outdoors
When the heart of this star-crossed voyager beats in time with yours
.......I know its not quite your cup of tea but the lyrics say alot

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCebAa9qKz8&feature=fvsr

lupin15 · 9. Nov 2010, 18:21

mellman01 wrote:

Hi Lupin well if you win can I have a gold zimmer frame please?, well that and a porsche cayenne!.

Thanks rob, now if I don't win I will want me quid back off you!!!!.

Have to win first but cannot have favourites only cause tongues to wag....ummmmmmmmmmmm what colour zimmer ? do you want go faster stripes down the sides?

skezier · 9. Nov 2010, 20:38

Hi Mel,

That took some reading....

I kinda agree with you though cus if anyone needed help it was cham and it doesn't sit right with me either but nor does what she posted..... Its 2010, nearly 2011 and racist comments can not be allowed no matter what the reason.

Its going to happen from time to time.... I have offended people and so have we all at some time.... Its better in the open but equally its also not good for the forum.....

I don't believe for one min she has come back.

It will settle and its up to us to get it settled. As lupin said life is too short for aggro here as well, I get enough of that in the real world!

Hey I can predict the lottery for you..... you ain't gong to win boy!

Keep hoping your doing ok and saw an old series 2 the other day and reasoned it would have hot ired if I had just had the guts to do it.... come on we go for a joy ride in an old truck... bags I first drive though

A ((( ))) and a hope your ok? Cris xx

mummyb · 10. Nov 2010, 00:50

Hi Mel, just wanted to say thanks for putting your thoughts in to words, its clear you've thought long and hard about what is a sensitive subject to some.

Its easy to assume that we know each other on a much deeper and more personal level on here than perhaps we do, and I think that sometimes this is part of the problem. We only know what people allow us to know about them and there are those who will lash out at others as a result of what is going on in their lives away from this forum.

I guess it is inevitable that there will be disagreements from time to time, but how one deals with the disagreements is crucial to the outcome. Unfortunately when things go a bit awry some people come out fighting as it were, some will take offence and some will shrug it off. I think often a persons response is shaped by what else is going on in their lives, an aspect that us mere onlookers know nothing about.

Maybe what we need to think about individually is how quickly things can escalate when we each stand up to defend the injured/offended party. As Cris points out there is no room for racism in todays society along with other types of discrimination it is abhorrent, however maybe the way to tackle such opinions is not to jump all over it but to try to have a better understanding of how such an opinion is formed and to educate on the hurt and misery caused by such views in a way that supports people to see more clearly why their views are inappropriate.

It is a natural desire I think to defend ones friends and loved ones against a perceived threat or injustice, but when that threat is being posed by someone who is vulnerable and clearly in need of support themselves, is the best course of action to alienate them, I'm not sure.

Having tried to support the person in question myself on a couple of occasions, I was left feeling extremely uncomfortable and concerned for the person's emotional/mental wellbeing , did I continue to try to support this person, well I have to say I backed off because I felt I was not qualified to deal with what I was being presented with. Should I have done more, probably but again given that this is a place we come to for support and comfort it was beginning to make me feel like I was out of my depth and a bit vulnerable too.

My observations of what happened is that the person in question, when people challenged her choice of language and various negative comments/attitudes towards people came out fighting therefore alienating and offending more of the people who were here to support her. It became more outrageous as things progressed until the views being expressed by the person in question became too personal for people to take. It was right in my opinion that the person causing all the mayhem had to be quietened and when they did not heed the pleas to calm down and temper what had become attacks on many people, there was no alternative but for them to be removed from the forum.

Your post has given me the opportunity to reflect on what happened and to consider what if any part I played in this, unfortunately because of the way things went the outcome was inevitable and I think the point of no return was reached.

What is interesting, I wonder if the equilibrium was ever re eastablished as the place has not felt the same since and I think the whole sorry episode has left people feeling more vulnerable and edgy and a feeling of apprehension appears to prevail,

Well guys all I know is this, this place was my saviour when I thought life as I knew it was over, I have received support the like of which I ever knew existed and for that I am extremely thankful. I have made some friends who I believe will be life long and whose friendship and support I really value.

Thank you Mel for giving me this opportunity to reflect on things and maybe we should get back to what we do best and that is to present a united front against arthur and to support one another through the trials and tribulations, the ups and the downs of everyday life.

Thank you all for being there for me and I if I can offer even a fraction of the support to others that I have received from you all I will have repaid in some small way all that you guys and this forum have done for me.

Thanks for putting up with my musings, and I promise no offence will be taken by anyone who disagrees with any of my thoughts expressed here after all there's nowt wrong with a healthy debate now is there...........

All the best, Brenda xxx

salamander · 10. Nov 2010, 03:04

I've deleted my post as it's obvious there is something more personal going here.

frogmorton · 10. Nov 2010, 04:55

Thank you Mell

for gently giving us the chance to think back, a bit more objectively, over the recent incident on the forum.

I believe you have given us/me some insight.

Often when someone tries to pour oil on troubled waters things get worse not better on here, but this time I think not.

Thank You too to Mummyb - you reminded me that we do not 'know' each other as we think we do, (a point made at my daughter's school parents meeting last night on 'E-safety'), thank you for that.

Thank you to those who reminded me to toughen up let things go over my head - I think I do a reasonable job of not taking things to heart, but I am glad to be reminded that it IS the right thing to do and not a sign of 'weakness' or lack of loyalty to my on-line friends.

I feel better for having read this

Cheers Melleth

Love

toni xx

angel1 · 10. Nov 2010, 05:40

Mell I find the timimg of your post rather curious, following the questions raised regarding the poster Tinkerbelle.

As I was the person who made the initial complaint, I now feel forced to defend my actions. Because I always abide by the rules of confidentiality, my answers will be somewhat restricted.

I tried to help the person concerned, but it quickly became clear to me that, because of the nature of her problems, it was impossible for this to be done via a Forum. Other posters were being drawn into a scenario that could only ever end unhappily.

I have a degree in Psychology, and have been a Counsellor for many years. This does not make me any more qualified to deal with a bad situation, than anyone else here. However, in my work, I have seen the very worst of human nature, and I truly believe that some things have to be deemed unacceptable, in certain circumstances, to prevent further pain to others.

I read a post, vile in it`s racist content, and insulting to other posters. I reported it to the moderators. They took the necessary action.

It is very easy for those who chose not to be involved at the time, to now come forward and decide that another course of action may have been better. That is always an option in life, but sadly, is often only used to make ourselves feel better, for not doing the right thing in the first place.

I believe the only possible decision was made, given that I have full knowledge of what transpired..........Ange.

elainebadknee · 10. Nov 2010, 08:10

Hi

Can anyone shed any light on Tinkerbelle? Was she who others thought she was and if not was this issue resolved?

Elainex

jean123 · 10. Nov 2010, 08:48

Hi Elaine,

It is almost impossible to get back on the forum when banned, and we have checked up to make sure that the poster in question is new, and not who you think she is. She must have been totally mystified by peoples' reaction to her.

I hope, that with a new forum we can make a new start, and once again offer support and friendship to all, newcomers and old hands alike.

Jean

elainebadknee · 10. Nov 2010, 10:06

Hi Jean

Thanks for clearing that up. I did not say that I thought Tinkerbelle was a former member.
I share your views for the forums.

Elainex

jean123 · 10. Nov 2010, 12:12

Sorry Elaine,

That was badly worded. I didn't mean you in particular, it was adressed to anyone who might have thought she was someone else.
Jean :oops: :oops: :oops:

elainebadknee · 10. Nov 2010, 13:29

Not a problem Jean but wished to clarify all the same

:-)

valval · 10. Nov 2010, 13:45

if we can not suport each other then who can we understand the pain and problems that go with arther and also know that we all have many other things going on in our lives so we must step back and allow people time to think about what they have written and if it reads the way they ment it to
it is so easy on a bad day to over react then regret what has been posted val

How I feel right now.

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