feeling really guilty

callums mummy

Hi all,
I've been on this forums for a couple of years but for some reason had to make new account to get back in, anyway I have had RA for 7yrs recently my mum has been diagnosed as well and she's been telling people her RA is worse than mine and telling everyone I have been taking the mickey. I have seen her letter from consultant and is says possible onset of OA in one ankle, All bloods came bk negative for RF Factor and crp and esr are normal, X rays show no erosion Just slight ankle problem. It says she has stiffness that lasts all day and they will review her in 6mths. Please tell me I'm not being a complete cow by not believing her its just ive suffered with this awful illness for years and im totally fed up.
Thanks
Laura x

angel1

It`s difficult to imagine a mother taking this attitude isn`t it Laura? Most mum`s want to take their child`s pain away, no matter how old the child. Their own pain usually pales into insignificance.

Has she not been getting the attention that she feels she deserves? Whatever the reasons, I don`t think you are being a cow at all. The last person you want to have to compete with, at anything, is your own mother.

Perhaps it would be best if you make no mention of your own suffering when you are with her, difficult though that will be. Or maybe you could sit down with her, and quietly explain how you feel. In my experience, though, that can often lead to more trouble. I feel so very sorry that you are not getting support from the one place it should be assured...........Ange.x.

speedalong

Hi Laura, the fourm was recently upgraded and all us old-timers had problems getting back onto the forum due to the upgrade. Welcome back.

Your mum sounds like my mum, her aches and pains are always worse than mine ...

Maybe you should say to her that now she has such a sore ankle she must realise what you have been putting up with for years - except unfortunately you have pain in x,y,z limbs.

Sometimes it is better to get someone else to quietly lay out the facts - your OH/partner/sibling ...

Speedy

julie47

Hi laura

Don't really know what to say my self as I have not been in that situation. Speedy and angel have said some good comments so if they don't mind I will echo their words.

You take care
A big hug from me (((((((((())))))))

Juliepf x

skezier

Hi Laura,

Sorry you have had to re register flower the up grade may not be all its cracked up to be... side glance at the glare and stuck pms!

Flower I don't understand what makes people turn conditions into a competition..... In your mums case it might be denial? It could be an age thing depending on how old she is but its got to hurt you to have her like this.

I don't know the answer except try not to let it get to you. Some people can't cope and it makes them react badly..... Be ind to your self and don't feel guilty. I wish I knew the answer but leaving you a ((( ))) and a hope it gets easier for you. Cris x

maria09

Hi Laura,
I agree with all above posts no are not to feel guilty
Your mum may just want some attention
I work with someone who has allegedly got arthritis in her spine shes diagnosed herself her back hurts! my answer to her was welcome to my world & wait till you have it in every joint like me so dont expect any sympathy from me as you have never given me any well she went quite for 1 second a long time for her shes got as we say in yorkshire a right gob on her ( a loud mouth!)
It must be hard for you when its your mum
Keep strong & know that we all support you on here
Maria

frogmorton

Oh Laura

I reckon I would 'rise above it' myself if I were you.

As Cris says some people do feel the need to compete...."I take 104 tablets before breakfast..." and they are always in far more pain.

Incredible that your own Mum is doing it to you.

I reckon she is asking for some TLC for herself you know.....have you the energy to support her? maybe go with her to see the specialist next time??

Try not to get upset about it though - it does you no good at all.

Love

Toni xx

carola

Hello

Your Mum has been telling people you are taking the mickey?????

If that happened to me I certainly could notrise above it although I hear the peeps that say it could open a can of worms.

I believe if I didn't address this I would become very bitter and resentful to her therefore if I were in this situation I would definately sit down and ackknowledge her symptoms and feelings whilst clearly telling her mine. In an ideal world Mums and Daughters should be a source of great strength and support for each other and I would strive to achieve this and if it all blew up then I would then focus upon myself.

Remember that alot of people's blood test readings etc do not truly reflect the actual symptoms and also that your Mum may not be able to get her around that the daughter she loves is having to cope with so much pain and difficulties or maybe she IS just the sort of person that cannot be outdone with symptoms.

Whatever the reasons, for your own peace of mind I would try to address it and come what may but that is just my opinion.

Good luck.
Carol

cebeem

Hi Laura
Your mum may want to protect you in a funny sort of way...diverting your pain and hurt into to hers!

I can honestly say I connect with your post in so many ways, and was similarly annoyed when my mum seemed to disregarded what I was going through!

But as it turned out, my problems bad though they are were nothing compared to the things she was experiencing, and it turned out that she was just giving me the bare information regarding her own condition.

Oh I wish I had not felt my own pain was paramount rather than allow her to tell me about hers.
(this may not be the case for you and your mum it is just my personal experience).
Our mother and daughter relationships are all very different. some are very upfront and honest, some are protective , and some are submissive.

Therefore we on the forum can not jump in and make sweeping statements as to how you should deal with your mum and your personal circumstances....only you will know that! We can only suggest and hope that you can pick out tha bits that relate to your situaton. Best wishes.

valval

hi laura so sorry your mum is acting like this i think you need to talk to her and explain that it is upsetting you that you think the world of her and would never take the micky i do hope that it gets settled soon it must be making your life hard val

callums mummy

Thankyou for all your replies you have helped a lot. I thought I was going mad! I will try and support her and go to appiontments etc then maybe i will get a clearer picture of what she is going through. I feel very alone at the moment Things are getting very hard and the pain the worst its been. That could be why I feel like this as well. xxx

salamander

hi Laura,

I was diagnosed a year ago with inflammatory arthritis (sero -ve) and one of my friends (whom I've known for 10 years) told me she'd had it all her life, she didn't take any drugs at all and that I needed a new consultant as mine was hopeless (I've been told by my gp he is one of the top ones in the country!) The implicit criticism being that I was making a huge fuss when other people just got on with their lives. I was gob smacked as she never mentioned it once to me and I felt she was accusing me of being a fraud.

Also, no recognition that everyone's condition is different. Some people do respond well to the meds, others don't. Some people have mild RA, some severe. Perhaps you should tell your mother it is not a competition!

callums mummy

Thanks Salamander,
thats so true! she may have RA and if thats case i will support her and try and help, she says shes had it all her life but only recently went to doc about it because she just struggled on, that made me feel awful like i was milking my condition. i couldnt "struggle on" because I would be stuck in bed permanetly its hard enough with all the meds to try and manage. does make me feel very frustrated! x

tkachev

What a shame your mum is not more understanding and sympathetic but sadly some people are like that. My OH parents think I am lazy or they just don't care so I have distanced myself from them, although the children still have a good relationship with them. However you have to be very forgiving in life otherwise it causes you problems.

I have R.A but I also have OA in my ankle and sometimes it hurts like crazy but I still get told I am walking really well/ faster than before etc. But like you I have children to supervise and sometimes I do have to be quick but doesn't mean I am not hurting.

I do sympathise about your comments hubby having to take time off work as mine had to leave his job altogether to look after me. You get no sympathy from the company and it felt easier to just stop altogether. I feel guilty but wanted my children cared for as a priority so congratulate yourself for first considering their needs. They will be grateful when they get older.

I do hope you will start to get better treatment soon as this is the key. I wonder if you could find another hospital to treat you?
Best wishes
Elizabeth

callums mummy

Thanks Elizabeth,
The next closest hospital to me is 60 miles away so that would be a problem also my consultant comes from there to do his weekly clinic so it would be same rheumy lol. Its tough living in the middle of nowhere. Thanks for your reply though its spot on xxx

maria09

Hi Laura,
I hope you are feeling better, This weather has a lot to answer for plus stress is known to make Arther worse :!:
I am so lucky I have such a caring family
I had an operation on both hands last monday & my Mum came to stay I couldnt do a thing :!: Well almost I wasnt going to have her wash me or sort me out after i'd used the toilet :oops:
She has had the weekend off & will be back later today as shes busy this morning shes sending my dad :!:
So Im getting washing done & going to empty dishwasher before he comes
I wish there was some way I could help you but just know that Im thinking about you & you are not alone you have us all on here
Keep strong dont get too down about things
Love Maria

frogmorton

callums mummy wrote:

Thanks Salamander,
bout it because she just struggled on, that made me feel awful like i was milking my condition. i couldnt "struggle on" because I would be stuck in bed permanetly its hard enough with all the meds to try and manage. does make me feel very frustrated! x

We are all different - she may have RA - you will see if you can get to an appt with her.

Your pain is yours alone and no-one else can feel it, but you. You are not milking anything


Sorry you feel like you are. can you try not to? easier said than done I know

take care

toni xx