Nobody seems to understand...

sunnyhours

Hi everyone,
I just had a conversation about my arthritis with my mom...things didn't quite go as planned...
I was telling her how my hands hurt and well her answer is always that I'm not doing something right, like she said it's because I'm not working...I wanna go back to school but since I went to private college I now have 8000$ debts, all for nothing since all I get is stupid contracts that won't really get me any money. So if I wanna go back to school I need to pay off these debts first. Problem is I don't own a car or a license for that matter which makes it very hard for me to find a job where I am located, unless it's a physical job, which no need to tell you I can't do...
I have classes I'm gonna make my inscription on December 1st so I can go to college afterwards, and move on to University after.
My pain never seems under control, be it my hands, knees or lower back.
She keeps telling me "I am 55 and I go to work everyday" which I answer by "I'm 21 and I'm already having trouble opening bottles or anything to do with my hands, even though you are 55 do you have these problems?" "no", she then follows with "maybe if you would work it'd be better?!"
Well I don't see how that would help, a part from financially...it might make me even more tired than I am and make everything hurt more I guess"
Anyways, whether I work or not doesn't change the fact that I use my hands everyday so it's not because I'm not "using them enough".
I mean, she says it's because I'm not active, but the reason for that is that I can't walk 1km without having my knees hurt and feeling like my legs are gonna give out! At least if I'd be her age I could understand and I probably wouldn't have such a hard time since my life would of already been started...

I guess I feel like everything is against me, especially my future as I don't see it getting any better

dreamdaisy

People don't understand, period. Why would they? If something hasn't happened to them they cannot comprehend its effects on someone else. It takes someone with a great deal of empathy to relate to what we experience on a daily basis, especially if they are healthy in the first place.

Families often do not know what to say or how to react. With your mum it could be a case of maternal guilt - mums are supposed to make things better and she cannot, so she goes on the defensive and says tw*tty things - that's about par for the course with family members. I think the other thing we have to remember is that there is nothing to be gained in becoming an arthritis bore. Yes, for us it is a wonderful topic of conversation, but for those listening? Nuh-uh. Dull, dull, dull. You must have zoned out when someone is describing, in minute (as in tiny) detail, their last operation or visit to the doc. It is not fascinating or riveting conversation. Quit trying to explain, there is no point - mind you however, if you really want her to have a taste of it, break all her fingers on both hands. That should bring it home to her. DD

PS DON'T YOU DARE DO THAT. IT WAS MEANT TO MAKE YOU SMILE - AND YES, THIS IS ME SHOUTING!

jillyb1

Hi , Sunny , have to agree with DD that people just can't comprehend that someone younger than they are can struggle with everyday tasks and basic survival when they breeze through life with no stress or problems ! I am now 55 having put up with arthur since I was 20 and still have the same pointless discussions and arguments with relatives and friends . Yes I am 30 years younger than you but I use a wheelchair and you don't need to ! etc etc etc ! What you need to remember is that you are still you with or without this ghastly illness and you're as good ,if not a better person than any of them . Jilly

elainebadknee

Hi

Oh i get where youre coming from on this one believe me...Im 42 had osteochondritis dissecans of left knee since age of 18-19....Now at a chronic stage with my leg - cant kneel, walk anymore than 50yds, bend down, stand for more than 5-10 mins.....
Even though i take painkillers and struggle to get out of chairs/settee and nearly fall over...I still get the comments such as "yes but youre young, you can spring back to fitness"...Well can i? I dont think so, im no spring chicken and whatever operation i have next (hoping a TKR or half TKR) will take time...But when my dad had a TKR last year it were different...My brother and two sisters took leave off work to look after him as we live in england, them soctland...I had an arthroscopy in march and yes it is a smaller op but nobody hardly asked about me and just regarded it as a "tiny operatoin" but it left me worse off than had been before....My mum is 80 but she moans about her leg and hip sometimes but ive got it at my age, its more natural at her age...If i say anything i get a lecture about "id like to see what youre like if you get to my/her age"....I'll probably snuff it well before then but i wish family would get where im coming from more sometime.....

Elainex

dorcas

Hi sunny,

It is really tough when the people you care about most, fail to understand your condition..... and instead of receiving support you are left feeling frustrated and unsupported. :roll:

comments about 'work' being your salvation are at best unhelpful and at worst a cruel reminder of what you want, but are unable to achieve (for now )

there are some helpful leaflets in the publications section of this website which might be worth downloading or sending for... some are written for carers or family to give them a better insight into living with arther .

http://www.arthritiscare.org.uk/PublicationsandResources/Listedbysubject

One thing's for sure sunny... we are always here for you to listen and support and we do understand what your coping with.

iris x

sunnyhours

Yeah I guess it's no use trying to explain huh?
Yesterday I was hurting pretty bad and I just felt like ****...the discussion with my mom just made it worse I guess...
I'm a bit better today, at least it's bearable...
I finished my script of Tramadol yesterday so I'm thankful today isn't so bad The thing is that my script is for every 10 days so when I run out I have no choice but to wait for the next week which is kind of annoying but I guess in a way it has some positive :P

Africa

I'm a Mum and not always the best ... my children both of them have had problems and this may have been out of my contol, dyslexia and food intolerance but I feel guilty deep down. Even though all I did all the correct stuff and followed the books on pregnacy and child development to the letter, when things went a bit wrong I still felt gulity ... I hadnt done anything to activly aggrivate either of these conditions but I felt wretched and at times it was better to denile they were happening. A Mum feels they need to do all they can to protect their off spring, when they are out of control they feel useless or at least I did.

This is an insight on how I felt ...yours maybe different

alarkra

Hi Sunny.

We understand. We are all here because we have the support of each other because we 'get' each other in that sense. I really don't know what to say about your situation with your Mum. I'm sorry that you are having a tough time at the moment. However, please come on here for support as it will help you through this rough time... ((HUGS))