How do I cope

irene50

My husband has been diagnosed with aggressive arthritis. he has it in his neck and shoulders, both knees, right hand, and left foot. I am lucky that he is still quite active, if a bit slower, but I am having problems coming to terms with what it means in terms of our relationship. We only married in June last year, both of us felt very lucky to have met, both had lousy marriages behind us so it was so good to meet and marry. We had an active sex life, but now..........well, there is no fun any more in any aspect of our lives. How do I come to terms with this and how the hell do I get over the depression that I am feeling and which if I don't sort out things I know will get worse. Any advice would help

barbara12

Hi irene50
I am sorry you have to face this so soon after getting married, it must feel like you are being tested.
In some ways it can be harder for the partner, I know my Oh broke down early in the year and said how hard he was finding it to cope, mostly seeing me in pain, and me having to ask him to do a lot more.
But it really cleared the air, there is no saying it will be easy, but talking is a great help, pleased dont bottle things up, tell him how you feel and let him do the same.
Has he got his medication sorted, once he gets the pain under control then things will get a bit better.
Has he been referred to a pain clinic, they can help alot by trying different meds, and finding the right ones.
I do wish you well, and you always have us lot to talk to, we are very supportive of one another, so if you need a rant you go ahead.
Please let us know how you go on.
Love
Barbara x

tillytop

Hello Irene and welcome to the forum from me too.

I am so very sorry to hear of your husband's arthritis diagnosis and I agree with Barbara that it can be very hard to be the partner of someone with arthritis and it is easy to forget that they are suffering too. I have rheumatoid arthritis and I know that I am very lucky to have a supportive husband but it can be very challenging and I think Barbara's advice to keep the channels of communication open is absolutely essential.

If you go onto the "publications and resources" section of this website, there is a section called "relationships and emotions" which has some information which may be helpful to you. You might also like to consider speaking to the Arthritis Care helpline (number is at the top of the page) about how you are feeling.

Please do keep posting Irene. We are here to listen and will support you in any way we can.

Thinking of you both.

Love Tilly x

dachshund

Hi Irene.
i'm so sorry your husband has arther it is hard but once you have found the best way for you to cope with it it will be easier i'm sure.
if you feel like a laugh go to the chit chat and read my father christmas post.
take care both of you. joan xx

dreamdaisy

I empathise. My arthritis started three months before we married, but luckily we had the rabbit stage of the relationship done and dusted by then. Arthritis not only affects the one who has it, it affects everyone else around them and in so many differing ways. He will need your love and support much more now than ever before: if sex was that important he will be feeling the loss just as keenly - if not more. Have you thought about contacting Relate? I don't think they are only there for breakdowns of relationships, I think they offer counselling for other reasons too. I do empathise: there are things I would love to do with - and to! - Mr DD, but he is out of luck on that front (possibly to his relief too, BP meds and a rampant virility do not necessarily go hand-in-hand for men - oooh, could have phrased that better, but I am sure you know what I mean!). My arthritis exhausts me in a way I never thought possible. I wish you both well. DD

sharmaine

Hi

Sorry to hear about your husband's agressive arthritis. It must be hellish for him. Arthritis is jolly painful and tiring. I hope he's receiving the best of medical care. With your support and help I'm sure you will find ways of keeping your 'relationship and all it entails' alive and well. Arthritis does have an impact on how one lives and without the love, care and understanding of our partners life would be jolly hard. Mobility is often affected and the sufferer seeks ways of coping in and outside fo the home. It may help to make life easier in the home if your husband contacts your Occupational Therapist.

I don't think I would have coped these past few years without the care of my husband and family.

See your GP about your depression. Sometimes it's the person who has arthritis who gets depressed. From being energetic and living life to the full you have to pace yourself. It takes a lot of getting used too but it isn't the end of the world and if you love and care for each other you will find a way. It doesn't stop you sharing your life together.

Take care.

Sharmaine


quote="irene50"]My husband has been diagnosed with aggressive arthritis. he has it in his neck and shoulders, both knees, right hand, and left foot. I am lucky that he is still quite active, if a bit slower, but I am having problems coming to terms with what it means in terms of our relationship. We only married in June last year, both of us felt very lucky to have met, both had lousy marriages behind us so it was so good to meet and marry. We had an active sex life, but now..........well, there is no fun any more in any aspect of our lives. How do I come to terms with this and how the hell do I get over the depression that I am feeling and which if I don't sort out things I know will get worse. Any advice would help[/quote]

irene50

Thank you all. My husband has just been given new painkillers, but because we are waiting to move, our doctors have steadfastly refused to give him stronger painkillers, it was only when we had our support worker go with him to the doctors last week that they actually gave him different meds. He can't get to the pain clinic because we are waiting to move, and as we will be going outside the area we are in at the moment, they have refused to take him on. Apparently, it is difficult to transfer the files to different areas, I suspect it's not can't it's won't!! I am lucky that we do talk to each other, but a lot of stuff I do keep bottled up,not his fault, that's down to me, have never had any one to talk to before so have always kept things bottled up, I am learning slowly to open up, but it isn't easy.
I agree it is difficult more for him than me, Robbie was a Major in the Army for many years, has always been supremely fit and active,so this has hit him like a hammer blow, but as much as he keeps telling me to leave, I am going nowhere. He married a red headed b***h with attitude and I have to find her and bring her back, she's there somewhere.
Thanks, feel a bit better knowing that there are people out there who know what we are going through xx

dreamdaisy

It is an awful thing, there is no doubt about that. I think this forum works equally well for those who are witnessing the devastating effects of this disease - we deal with it within our own homes every day and communication is key. Mr DD and I don't have great heart-to-hearts about it al the time - far too boring for both of us, (it's been going on for us since '97) but it is important that your man can tell you how he feels and that you can reciprocate. I am sure you will find that red-headed girl, she'll be back, just give yourself time and be kind to each other. Keep in touch, tell Robbie about us too - we do have some men about, more are always welcome! DD