How do you persuade people you are not totally incompetent?

stlucia
stlucia Member Posts: 392
edited 1. Mar 2011, 15:05 in Living with Arthritis archive
Ok, so I can't do some things, I need help to do others but really I can manage some other things....but how do I make other people realise that I really am not totally incompetent and that they don't have to do EVERYTHING for me!?! People can be so lovely and kind but I need to keep as much of my independence as I can....surely?! Got any bright ideas or similar experiences?

x

Comments

  • tjt6768
    tjt6768 Member Posts: 12,170
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I suppose I am lucky in the sense that my family and most of my friends now will wait until I ask for help as I like to see if I can do things.. I did used to be too proud and would rather hurt myself doing something than ask for help, on the odd occasion I suppose I still do.
    It is a tricky one for both parties sometimes eh?

    Best of luck St.

    :grin:
  • skezier
    skezier Member Posts: 12,150
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi Stluce,

    its nice to see you flower!

    I think talking to them and explaining to them that you like to do some things (or the things you can do for your self) might be helpful? Its important to keep your independence as much as you can but they are caring about you and will sometimes that can go to far in terms of the help that they try to give you.

    I don't know actually cus I am the other way round and want to know how do you make people care :lol:

    I honestly believe in the power of talking to people and maybe that's a thing that might help you? Hope you can find the balance and leaving you a ((( ))). Cris x
  • frogmorton
    frogmorton Member Posts: 27,386
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I reckon you should almost show them your post!

    Serioulsy though honesty is the best policy and I would tell them that they are wonderful wonderful people and you dont want to wear them out or loose your abilitiy to do stuff so if they dont mind could you ask for help first :grin:

    That should do the job :grin:

    Hope you can solve it as they sound brilliant, if very sliggtly disempowering.

    Love

    toni xx
  • valval
    valval Member Posts: 15,897
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    have same trouble with my mum lol she thinks boys should do every thing always getting they should do more :smile: as i tell her they do what i ask them to and that what i want. i enjoy pottering in garden ect would hate to give it up i just have to remember even if feel i can go on i should stop it later when pain hits i realise how much did do lol. but try to explaine what you would like help with and what you can do yourself they will be more relaxed then val
  • dreamdaisy
    dreamdaisy Member Posts: 31,552
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    With charm and grace. With such a variable condition what you can manage one day may be beyond you the next so you need to keep people 'on-side' as it were. Accept and ask for help with a smile, and try never to be grumpy with those who are well-meaning. DD
  • barbara12
    barbara12 Member Posts: 21,235
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi
    Yeah I have the same prob with my OH bless him, I am just getting him to understand that I will ask when I need help, but I would much rather him be like this then leaving me to it.....sometimes there is no in between...
    Good Luck
    Love
    Barbara x
  • stlucia
    stlucia Member Posts: 392
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    You are all so sensible!! My OH is amazing and goes above and beyond doing things for me etc etc although I've had the total opposite with my his family recently, letting me run around after them to the point I can hardly walk and visibly struggling but still, they seem quite happy to let me get on with it. Oh well.

    x
  • stickywicket
    stickywicket Member Posts: 26,619
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Actually, stlucia, I think this is one area where it's harder for them than for us. Often we hardly know ourselves from day to day what we're capable of so how can others. The only possible way is to be honest with people. If they're offering to do something you can't do say thank you. If they're offering to do something you sometimes can/sometimes can't explain and say which it is today. If they're offering to do something you can do say you can but point them towards something else that you can't. Is any other disease so complicated?
  • theresa4
    theresa4 Member Posts: 696
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Hi St Lucia
    Dont complain its worse the other way around my lot think that as I can do things one day Ill be fine the next and I end up laid up with nothing to eat or drink all day only to be told Im lazy :evil

    Seriously though I do know what you mean one of my friends is extra caring and is always helping when its not really needed but I accept the help graciously just in case she falls into the trap of my OH and rest of family :wink:

    Much love
    Theresa x
  • stlucia
    stlucia Member Posts: 392
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Oh Theresa, sending you lots of help your way! I'm sorry if it came across as me complaining, I definitely wasn't but just wanted advice in knowing how to tell people that I can do some things myself without getting their backs up. I hope that you keep that very lovely friend of yours for a long time!!!! x
  • tonesp
    tonesp Member Posts: 844
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Some people think others are totally incompetent Arthritis or not The current Mrs P(42 years and counting) constantly believes that I cannot run a booze up in a Brewery.If she hasn't done it then it's not right So take heart if they want to do it for you. Let Them!!!!!!!! It makes for a nice peaceful life :grin::grin::grin::grin:
  • rugbygirl
    rugbygirl Member Posts: 691
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I have only been married to my current husband for 10 months and for 6 of those I have been suffering with back pain. He is 22 years older than me and I am constantly telling him I should be looking after him, not the other way round (his ex wife was in a similar position to me but she expected him to do everything for her). I feel scared that he is going to get fed up with doing things for me and our marriage isnt going to last. I dont want him to think he has to do things for me but a lot of the time I have to ask him to do stuff for me. Then it gets to the point that he does things for me without me asking.

    I am getting frustrated with the fact that either I cant do things or I dont get chance to so it is interesting to see that others have a similar situation.
  • tonesp
    tonesp Member Posts: 844
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    Rugbygirl Gowith the flow If he loves you he will want to do it for you Loving someone should be unconditional,Believe he loves you and he will Insecutity buggers up more marriages than you would believe :smile::smile:
  • theresa4
    theresa4 Member Posts: 696
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    st lucia
    Im sorry didnt mean to come across that way I dont think youre complaining please excuse my green eyed monster, I know as well as any of us that we appreciate the help we get. My bloody lot are useless I think you are extremely lucky so Im a tad jealous but I do know sometimes some people can take over or justn assume you wont be able to do it so do it for you and that is frustrating too.
    Hope you find a happy middle ground
    Much love Theresa xx
  • woodbon
    woodbon Member Posts: 4,969
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I used to be a Care Assistant working with disabled patients and one of the hardest jobs I had to learn was to stand back and let people struggle, even encourage them to. Your fingers itch to help. I had to learn that the best help was to assisst with a smile and maybe just fold things up and be their in case of real difficulty, but its hard to learn and takes time. Try to be explain your need for independence and point out kindly the things you can do on your own. Thats all I can think of, not much, I know. love Sue
  • rugbygirl
    rugbygirl Member Posts: 691
    edited 30. Nov -1, 00:00
    I was trying to explain to my OH that he wasnt helping me by doing everything for me but he was still insistant that he should help.

    I showed him this thread this morning and he has accepted that I NEED to do things for myself. He realised that he was wrapping me in cotton wool and he has now agreed that if I need help I will ask rather than him assuming that I cant do it.

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