Is it okay to say I'm not okay?!

MissKat

Hey all...

Anyone else ever get frustrated with people asking "Are you okay?"... ALL the time???

People ask me, and I run through my head all the things that aren't okay, and think... do they really want to know if I'm okay, do they really want a looooooooong list of everything that's not okay right now...? And of course it's just so much easier to say I'm okay...

Is it okay to say I'm not okay?!

I always worry that I'll end up having a long convoluted conversation about my arthritis, and sometimes I don't want people to know, as though it's a weakness or something...

Does that make sense?!

tjt6768

I just say........... Yeah......... Am alright.............
In a kind of tone that lets them know I boody ain't thanks for the silly question, then that way if they genuinely want to know they can ask more if not then bugger em

MissKat

Hehe... yes Tony... sometimes it really does seem the most stupid question!!! I like your thinking, right there with you!

rugbygirl

Yes it does make sense and I totally agree.

The worst person for that is my OH and although I love him to bits and he does look after me I did have to tell him to back off the other day because I felt smothered. If I winced when I moved he was there making sure I was ok. If i tried to do something he would tell me off.

I told him that if I wasnt feeling okay or I didnt think I could cope I would tell him.

Most of the people I know have stopped asking me because I have given them the honest answer a few times and then said to them 'this is what I have to live with for the rest of my life,it may improve it may get worse but it is always going to be there so I am dealing with it. Imagine how you would feel and then tell me if you are ok'

It gave them something to think about and they just ask me if I am coping or if there is anything they can do.

Its made a huge difference.

frogmorton

Hi Miskat

They dont want to know really....it's just an informal greeting we do here in the Uk and best to say - something like 'not so bad thanks - how are you?'

Those who really care will know you aren't ok!!

I even say FINE to the rheumy!!! ask how he is and then tell him the truth (ish) because that's his job!

Love

Toni xx

Ps Jaki I LOVE that dragon!

dreamdaisy

I never ever say 'No, I'm not.' It's a routine enquiry, nothing more - and we all know how tedious it is when we ask someone then we are marooned as we listen to a blow-by-blow account of their latest operation, latest bug, latest tiny twinge . Just say yes and move the conversation along. The only people who might be concerned to hear that you are not OK are your nearest and dearest (who should see it in your face anyway) and us. We understand and can empathise. DD

skezier

Hi MissKat,

I tend to always say I am ok even if I am not cus most people don't really want to know but if some one does want to know then its different.

It kinda depends on who asks really. 99% of people don't really mean the question actually.

Is it ok to say your not of course it is but not to most people. Cris x

hey Toni you have to be honest with the rumo this next time..... xx

stickywicket

It's OK to say you're not OK if you know it'll be OK with that person. ie give 'em what they really want. Most people don't want the truth, including us arthritics. When I was first diagnosed one old lady invariably asked how I was just so's she could regale me with her own woes. At 15 I didn't need it so I used to say I was great & run off. (It was worth the pain. She was a pain of a different sort.)

My real friends usually ask "How are you apart from 'fine'?" They want the truth so I give it them briefly then get on with the important business of enjoying their company.

donnas

There are certain people who need to know how you are. I found at work the other day that I was having to shout pretty loud about how **** I was feeling to let people know I needed help, mainly because I mostly "look" fine. People have their own stuff to deal with and sometimes you need to ask for help, or it matters to to them and then you tell them how you really are, in whatever manner you want.

When I did tell people how I really was I managed to get some of the help I needed which reduced the pain. It feels a wee bit mercenary but it's necessary sometimes!

constable

Hello Misscat

I agree with everyone. it is expected that you reply with "yes, I'm fine"
Sad really isn't it.
My husband asks me how I am and I say the same but he always knows when I am lying.

If I am having a really bad day, I might reply "not to bad"

Karen xx

julie47

Hi misskat

I usually say I am fine thankyou and you?

To be honest I think thats all people want to hear.

Juliepf x

marie48

My husband knows when I am ok when I start shouting and nagging at him as he is very untidy. If I remain quiet, he knows there is something wrong and I am in pain. He does tend to smother me and will not let me do anything.

speedalong

It is a silly greeting isn't it?! People don't expect a proper answer.

You could always answer, "As well as can be expected, thanks." Or make a non committal sound and turn the question back on them.

Speedy

suncatcher

It is a silly greeting i think. I just say im ok. even when im not, as you could get the following.
They may say theres worse off than u
They are not interested anyway
They look you up and down body half curl face in snarl as they cannot see anything wrong.
You may not hear the end of it and they mention it in front of others and they en-quire as well. it goes on and on and you don't want it. You want a life and not be looked at just being an ill person. also you are not public property.
I would like to extend the advert for cancer to us when they say today was not just about cancer

To day was not all about arthritis

I do not want to talk about arthritis.
I want a life
I had a lady cooing in front our group this week, about how well i am doing. I cringed with embarrassment. She means well but it draws everyones attention to it and i do not want it. lovely but.

katsmother

hi,
i must admit most of the time i`ll say fine or ok,
its a lot easier that way,
the people that know you well will be able to tell when you are `fibbing`, but i must admit with me when its a particularly bad day i may not be quite as polite as i should be, :shock:
having said that i think there are times when you need to say how it is, and that pretty much is how it will stay,

>^..^<

frogmorton

This has turned into an interesting thread.

Overall concensus being

it's just a greeting and no they on the whole don't want to knwo how you are!!

Tell the ones who you know DO only!!

Kat I love your cat >^..^<

v clever!

MissKat

It really has been an interesting thread...

(...and yes katsmother I love your cat too!!!!)

Isn't it funny, I remember someone I went out with who would reply at the supermarket till when he was asked "how are you?"; "not good thanks" just to see what the reaction would be, because it's true - it's expected that we'll just say "fine thanks". More often than not they wouldn't even be listening to his reply! Sometimes us Brits are just too polite!

Suncatcher - you made me laugh with your "They look you up and down body half curl face in snarl as they cannot see anything wrong." comment!!! I really hope this has never happened to you!!!

I do feel smothered sometimes by my OH, but we're both new to this and it's about finding the best way to cope with this, and with each other - especially given the mood swings I now seem to get... I find myself snapping at the most ridiculous of things!

And I think it's also true, as most people say, those close to you will know when you're not okay... and know when is an appropriate time to ask about it.

It's funny because a few friends of mine won't even mention it, but to be honest, I like it that way!

Thanks for all your replies x x x

keith1971

Those mood swings have started to hit me pretty bad too. One minute I'm in floods of tears, the next I'm cursing some & waving my fist in a bout of road rage!

:shock:

sullivt56

I love replying No I am not why.......It absolutly confounds people who wish they never asked....It also depends what mood I am in and who it is asking.......When at work and I do something similar they cant get away quick enough.

Good defensive mechanism when not really in the mood through pain or something.....My wife and family know my little game so dont ask but they do know when I am in pain etc.....