Advice needed

PamieAFC1903 · 20. Mar 2011, 11:51

My bro who is 4 years older than me has broken a pact we made ten years ago for the second time.

I don't know if I should forgive him.

The pact is to never on any circumstances to date each others friends, we made this pact when I turned 16. Why the pact you may ask, because I know my brother can't commit and my brother knew his friends couldn't commit, so to save many broken hearts we made the pact.

Just been given the most stupid advice on a anxiety chat site I am on, I was told to delete my brother off facebook and basically cut contact with him. But I can't do that as my bro has been there for me when needed, heck if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have a roof over my head in Aberdeen.

He has lied and betrayed me again. I need a normal adults opinion on this as it is eating me up inside and making me feel right depressed.

valval · 20. Mar 2011, 12:01

this packed you made was made when you were both young, you are now adults and so are your friends. you are not god so can not decide for your friends who they should or should not see. your brother should have told you he was going to see your friend but we can not live other peoples lives for them.
explane you feel let down by his not talking things over with you but also tell him you understand they are both adults and can decide for them selves.
how would you like it if told you who you could or could not see just causes temptation and who is to say your friend looking for comitment think long and hard before you take extreem measures you could loose both of them from your life how would you feel about that??? good luck val

PamieAFC1903 · 20. Mar 2011, 12:06

What's going through my mind most is he knows he can't commit to any relationship, and I dont know what she wants.

I don't want to lose another friend because of his stupidness.

caterina57 · 20. Mar 2011, 12:11

Many years ago I dated my friends brother with her blessing, The relationship eventually broke up, but I have remained friends with his sister, in fact she is one of my closest friends. It wasn't a problem -- they were two completely different people.
You should both get on with your lives -and- if you should happen to date the odd friend of your brother and he one of yours so what. You should have a strong enough relationship to be able to let each other make their own decisions.
Cath

coco67 · 20. Mar 2011, 12:11

hi pammie.

we all make promises/pacts when we are younger but times change as we grow older and things/we have to change with the times. personally i would have to deside what is more important to me, a pact made many years ago whilst still young or my brother.
time has moved on , so have you and so has your brother, believe it or not so has all your friends etc, priorities change also. i think this pact should be put to bed and allow your brother to get on with it all as the grown up he now is, surely having your brother in your life is way more important than some pact about dating ones friends made many years ago.

i hope you can put it to bed and be happy pammie

tha main thing to remember is your All grown up now, and honestly its between them just say to your friend and brother you wish them both well and will not be willing to be put in the middle of them and forced to choose if it doesnt work out as you love and value them both.

xx

pheebs · 20. Mar 2011, 12:47

Hi Pammie,

I realise your brother has hurt you, but a pact you made a few years ago is not a reason for you to not speak again. Life is far too short for you to cut him out of your life.

Hope it all works out.

Pheebs

mellman01 · 20. Mar 2011, 13:21

As the saying goes all fair in love and war, if it were me I'd forgive him and just let it go, think how you would feel if the last words you had we each other were negative and over somthing as simple as this it's not worth it just accept he has some faults like all of us and forgive him, lifes to short to let this kind of thing upset you to much, it's more adult and also more liberating to not give into a negative a emotion, negativity has a way of growing until it can get out of control.

rugbygirl · 20. Mar 2011, 13:34

I totally agree with every comment on here. There is no reason to keep to this pact now that you are older. Many men cant commit to a relationship and a lot of girls are the same. At the end of the day your brother is your family and you will always have your family. Friends come and go and whether or not you have known your friend for months or years they might still walk out of your life.

People come into your life for a reason and it not always forever, but to help you through the time in your life when you need them. Some stay for always.

I think both your brother and your friend are old enough to know what they are doing and they are adult enough to deal with the consequences. You should not be held accountable for your brothers actions so if things fall apart between your brother and your friend you should not suffer. Unfortunately people are not secure enough in themselves to be able to deal with other peoples life choices and if they want to walk away from you then its their choice. IT probably means that they werent going to be there always. At the same time you cant tell anyone that they cant see someone. My parents still try that with me now and I am nearly 40 (my hubby is 61). You cant help who you are attracted to and the more someone says you cant see someone the more you will out of spite. Its not worth losing your brother over. Forgive him. He might have forgotten about the pact after all these years.

PamieAFC1903 · 20. Mar 2011, 13:51

Tried to speak to him about it, and got nothing in return.

If he ruins anything I wont forgive him.

tkachev · 20. Mar 2011, 13:53

Your brother is very supportive of you so he is worth forgiving. Do you often mention this pact? Is it possible he has forgotten about it and doesn't mean to hurt you? On the other hand I hope he won't give you grief if you now date one of his friends. That would be unfair.Give him your support Pamie as you are family and you are clearly very close.

E x

coco67 · 20. Mar 2011, 13:54

pammie re read what has been said hun, its not worth loosing him over life is to cruel and short without this

jilly · 20. Mar 2011, 14:58

I totally agree with everyone that has given you advise, your brother is family he will always be your brother, friends come and go as the years go by. You may need each other in the future you never know what happens later in life. Men never stick to silly things like that he may have forgot it or hopes you have. Let it go there are better things to fall out over in life. ............jilly

valval · 20. Mar 2011, 15:15

PamieAFC1903 wrote:

Tried to speak to him about it, and got nothing in return.

If he ruins anything I wont forgive him.

did you try to talk to him or boss him about. you are very upset by the sounds of it but sleep on it when you are fresh in the morning you will realize how much he means to you and what you would miss if he was no longer part of your life.
please remember men think differently to us you are not the person you were it time to realize you need to let him grow up and live his life his way you live your life how you wish and enjoy being an adult with all that entails let him as well he probably feels you are going to lecture him or have a go and he will feel bad he has caused you this upset so please try again when you feel more in controll val

seamonkey · 20. Mar 2011, 15:33

Oh dear what a shame you feel like your brother has betrayed and let you down. However you are all adults and if everything goes wrong for you bro and friend then how can any one blame you? If they so then may be their friendship isnt as important to them as it is to you?
Live and let live it may be the relationship they have both been waiting for or just a bit of fun for both that in time will end amicably.
Friends and family that support us are few and far between in mu opinion so may be the pact should be put down to young adults who have now grown up enough to live life how they wish.
I hope you can forgive your brother and allow him to make up his own mind with regard to his relationships.

tkachev · 20. Mar 2011, 15:36

Pamie I have just noticed that you made the pact 10 years ago when age 16. Your bruv is 4 years older so he is now 30. Maybe he is mature enough to commit now.
My older brother basically ruled our house. He wanted to know mine and my sisters life story, checking on boyfriends and having a quiet 'word' and I can tell you it wasn't much fun. It was embarassing and stiffling. And it got to the point when I thought' i don't care what you think anymore.S*D it!
I can tell that you are worried it will ruin your friendship if this relationship goes wrong as you will then have to take sides and be loyal to either your brother or your friend, in the event of a breakup.Perhaps you could just let them know what your concerns are so they know you have their best interests at heart.

Good luck
Elizabeth

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