"Weighty Matter"

tillytop

Hello Peeps

This is a trivial thing really, in the overall scheme of things but you are a very wise bunch and I would welcome your thoughts:

My brother and his family will be coming to visit in a couple of weeks. When I last saw them about 8 months ago, he made a very unkind reference to my weight which really did upset me but I was too upset to say anything in reply so, after a good cry in the loo, I just carried on as normal. However, since then, I have put on even more weight (quite an alarming amount in fact) due to steroids, inability to be physically active and comfort eating and I am, if I am honest, so embarrassed that I actually feel I can't face seeing him. I can't even go out and buy any nice, loose clothes to disguise my Moomin-like figure cos I can't manage shopping at the moment. I know I can't avoid seeing him because it is his 40th birthday and the reason he and the family are coming here is because it's difficult for me to go to him and he wants me to be able to join the celebrations. He knows from my Mum how unwell I have been and he really does care, but he can be very insensitive sometimes. I think part of it might be embarrassment on his part - and not knowing what to say and I have tried to warn him in a recent e-mail, that I now look very different. So any thoughts on how I might deal with this would be much appreciated thanks.

Love Tilly xxx

valval

tilly please do not let him upset you again you most prob right he did not know how to cope with things but he should have had more sence than upset you like that if he starts again just say please do not say things like that i know i have put weight on and know i must loose it but until arther is under control it going to be imposible to do anything for it. so please help and not be little me in this way i have enough to cope with at the moment arther causes mental depresion so extra pressure not needed but suport will be welcome val

Poppyg1rl

Hi Tilly,
Would you find it easier to talk to him via e-mail? Or are you able to ask your Mum to have a 'quiet word'?
The reason I say about e-mail is sometimes it's easier to express yourself that way and not worry about breaking down or worry over how the other person is taking it. You must mention how low you've been and that you need his support, you're right about the whole embarrassment not knowing what to say thing, I spent hours talking to my family about arfur recently as you know (thankyou for your support by the way Tilly x) and there was a certain amount of insensitive things said, none of it meant horribly but to be honest I did pull them up on it, I asked them to put themselves in my position, in constant pain, feeling like I've let my family down as I can't do the things I could, my business of 15yrs ended...tell you what Tilly, gone were the glib comments I know I shocked them but I got my point across.
Tilly, you know how much we love and respect you, we're all here for you.
Sorry if I've rambled, I hope I've helped. Love and hugs in bucket loads to you xxx

theresa4

HI Tilly
I hear you its awful when you put on weight and family memebers are abit (alot :roll: ) insensitive. Im sure they dont mean to be. My GT Uncle one christams said to me "by girl youve put on weight you used to be such a pretty girl" :shock: he died the year after and its awful because thats all I can remember about the last time we spoke. :sad:
I get it from other family members too but Ive decided to ignoe it the best I can :roll: yeah easy said.

Why not copy the post you posted on here and send it via email to let him know how it makes you feel? Maybe that will make him sit up and realise. I do think you need to prewarn him and in plenty of time before his birthday so now rather than later so its done and dusted before he comes. you can explain how sensitive you are to his comments and how it makes you feel. Im sure knowing that will make him realise and be more sensitive.

I hope it all gets sorted and the family gathering is a good one.

much love and hugs(((())))

suzygirl

Tilly, I am sorry to hear this is the case for you, but can sympathise as I am in the same boat myself. I feel I need a placard saying, my weight is due to arfur and steroids not cakes!!! Maybe we could start a trend??

Seriously though, cud your hubby have a quiet word?Maybe if that is not possible a quiet note or emaiol to your brother inadvance may help. It is a difficult situation and one you don't deserve to be in.

I would bet you don't look half as bad as you think you do. Take time to get your outfit right, it gives you confidence, it needent be expensive, jsut comfy and flattering. Happy to help re that if I can??

Sometimes, family don't know what to say and make jokes in embarrassment, my brother just can't handle my ill health, but I am sure half of it is fear it will happen to him.

tilly you are such a lovely person and don't deserve this dilemma, i wish I could be of more help.

(((hugs)))

madwestie

Tilly i do hope you find a way to sort this i would ask your mum ot have a word with your brother and explain that you are sensitive about you wieght gain due to the steriods and you know your brother wouldn't deliberately say something to hurt you but that comments on your weight gain do uoset you.
Hopefully he will get the message that it is not your fault that you do not have any determination left to tackle the weight issue until your arthritis is better under control you are using it all up just egtting through the day.

Now i am sure you will look lovely in whatever you choose to wear, i do order from catalogues as i find high street shops limited and it is handy being able to try themon at home.
So whatever you decide to do tell yourself you are going to have a lovely time and just remember that you can keep telling your brother he is getting old now he is 40 that should shut him up....

skezier

Hi Tilly,

Oh flower haven't got time to say much but leaving you a ((((( ))))) and its so wrong when people think they can say things to you like that..... another ((((( ))))) and tea with cdm in the owl box xxx

dreamdaisy

Keep a custard pie to hand. 'Nuff said. DD

stickywicket

Tillytop, I've nothing to add to what others have said but just wanted to say I hope, whatever decision(s) you come to it/they work well.

I, too, have a brother. They have the twin disadvantages of being close family and male. You have grown up insulting each other as casually and carelessly as breathing. (Well, we did.) No offence really intended and none usually taken.

This is different. You're in a tough place right now and I hope you, or someone else, can make him realise that, as my guess is he, too, would be really upset if he thought his casual remark had hurt so much.

Good luck, Tilly.

theresa4

dreamdaisy wrote:

Keep a custard pie to hand. 'Nuff said. DD

suzygirl

Wear an outfit that is comfortable and gives you the most confidence, maybe a new necklace or pretty scarf or a new lippy, can all work wonders.

You are a lovely person and thats what matters.

(((hugs)))

wannabewriter

Hi Tilly,

Oh it’s so rubbish when family are insensitive isn’t it? But I’m sure it’s something that he may have said without realising how much it hurt you – he obviously cares, if he is making the effort to bring a special birthday celebration to you so you are involved, so it might help to talk to him about it if it comes up again.

At my worst, I weighed over 21st. Now, I am very tall, but that was ridonkulous – although it was mostly medical (hormonal imbalances etc), some of it was that spiral of comfort I’m-fat-anyway-one-chocolate-won’t-hurt eating. Eventually, because my family loved me so much and kept on and on about my weight, something snapped and I finally went ‘Right! That’s it! Weight-be-gone!’. That was nearly three years ago now, and I’m down to 17st with a fair way to go yet, but to be honest, I’m really stubborn and it was only because my family kept on at me about it that I actually did something about it in an ‘I’ll-show-them’ sort of way.

I really, really, understand where you’re coming from Tilly, and it’s an awful place to be. But you know, there are things which you can do which might help – I kno arthur is a pain in the whatchamacallit especailly when it comes to being active, but I did things like replacing my morning biscuit with dried apple and ever so, ever so, EVER SO frustratingly slowly, the weight has come off. I also try to do things like simple leg raises when I’m watching the TV, which helps strengthen the muscles around my arthritic knee – so now I can walk further too. It’s rubbish, isn’t it, and it’s a terribly slow process, but ounce by ounce it WILL work eventually.

Also, step AWAY from the loose fitting clothes to cover your (doubtful) ‘moomin like figure’ - I can guarantee they will put another stone on you without you so much as eating a lettuce leaf. I learnt that lesson waaaayyy too late!

Chin up, Tillytop, and if your brother says something again, remember he probably doesn’t realise how much hurt he is causing and may be only saying it because he cares about you, but still don’t be afraid to speak up and say ‘I know it’s not ideal at the moment but I am and will continue to do something about it and your support in doing so would be appreciated’. Once my lot realised I was losing weight, they were really encouraging, but it took some time!

:-)

xxx

valval

tilly wear something comphy think about the colours do not cut your self in half with light coloured top and dark bottoms stopping at waist level if you have dark top and bottoms use bright cardigan to lighten out fit or if light top and dark bottoms use dark top or matching bottoms to cause you to look talles it a trick of the eye works for me every time.
saw pal in town we both got weighed she was stane lighter than me (she is shorter) but i look much thinner because she wears bright skirts and t shirt that stops at waist cutting her body in two try different out fits match colours to give longer lines you will feel good and look great val

julie47

oh tilly you poor thing

I am sure that you will look lovely at the celebrations. A light make up and your hair done and an outfit that you already have (if you don't feel like going out and getting one or internet shopping) with some nice beads etc and you will look a million dollars.

I agree with the others...either send him a email to warn him not to be incensitive ot ask your mum to have a quiet word.

I have a mil that speaks her mind too.....and yes sometimes you can not always find a respoonse quick enough.

Have a lovely time.
juliepf x

Seabreeze

Tilly,

I told my brother ages ago over the phone that I have oa. He asked me how I got that because no one in our family has arthritis, not even my parents? I told him to research the web. I phoned him last week and he told me that I got it because I am fat. It is all my fault. If I had lost the fat years ago, I am a size 16 and become a normal size 10/12 then I would not have oa. His wife is a size 18 or more, fine coming from him so I told him that his wife had better do something about her fat because she might end up like me! I now do not expect to hear from him until Christmas.

Tilly dear, wear something you feel comfortable in and have your hair done even if it means a hairdresser has to come to your home, wear some nice perfume, some makeup (only if you like wearing makeup), and paint your nails and toenails. It may help to get some arthur booklets from AC and post it to him. I do hope it goes well for you and just tell your brother to love you the way you are.

Take care
Maria xxx

frogmorton

Tilly

brothers are a pain....mine is younger and soooo very keen to remind me and my older Sis just how OLD we are :x

I would get your Mum to have a word....she is lovely l know from what you have said about her

and by the way....

you IS beautiful.

Love

toni xx

tillytop

Thanks everyone for your replies. Much appreciated!

Can't read through properly at the moment cos I've got an orrible headache :roll: but will do so later and will reply properly then,

Thanks all.

Love Tilly xxx

tillytop

Thank you, thank you, thank you Val, Poppy, Theresa, Suzy, Lynn, Madwestie, Cris, DD, Sticky, Wannabewriter, Juliepf, Maria and Toni for sharing your experiences and for your wonderful words of wisdom, kind words, and fashion tips I knew you would understand how I was feeling and it really does help to be able to talk it through.

Taking on board what you have said, I think that what I will do is to send him an e-mail, telling him how I feel and how worried I am about seeing them again. He is not always easy to talk to on the phone cos he is always doing a million and one other things but he is a real "techno-geek" so I know an e-mail will get his attention :roll:. I found out yesterday that my sister-in-law is very poorly at the moment so I will not be doing anything about it yet but I think I will go ahead and compose my message ready to send at the appropriate time.

Thanks too for the suggestions of catalogue and internet shopping. I will definitely look into that!

Thanks, once again, for all your support you lovely peeps!

Tillyxxx

suzygirl

Glad to be able to help you, hope your headache is better now!!! x

stickywicket

Hi Tillytop,

I'm glad you're feeling a bit more upbeat about it. At the end of the day, although it doesn't necessarily seem like that when we're down, it's kindness, caring and personality that counts and you've got them in spades.

Hope the headaches a bit better.

tillytop

Thanks Suzy, Sticky and Lynn.

Yes, headache has gone completely now thank goodness - I blame the neck :roll:

Thanks so much for your kind words Sticky.

SIL is on the mend now I think Lynn. Fingers crossed. And I will get that draft message composed and ready to go as you suggest.

Thanks all,

Lots love Tilly xxx

liesa

my elder brother is an alcaholic i think, he was so nasty to my daughter once, he came to see me for why i have no idea, but he sometimes just turns up out the blue, he has driven to my home stinking of booze and makes me feel sick, one night a friend also came to visit, my brother turned up in a cab... after a while he insulted my daughter by saying how fat she was... this broke my heart, my daughter is such a lovely kind person, our friend who was here told my bro he was going out and he would give him a lift home, we told my bro to go, our friend used hubbys van to take him then came back, they wanted to give my bro a good hiding for being so nasty....(they didnt) i tell my kids hes jealous of us because we are the perfect family he doesnt have, or he does he just chose to walk away from the kids from 2 or 3 different relationships... we told our kids they need never speak to him again.... they have cos theyre better then him and forgiving people...
just enjoy yourself and ignore him if he makes any snidy hurtful remarks xx