A bit personal....

Melrymax

How do you guys cope with sex?
I have really Bad days where it Is totally out the question.... Then on good days- I want to rest and will have got jobs done and made the most of the good day so will be tired by the end of it. Only problem is I'm not putting out enough and my husband doesn't understand this and told me he doesn't want to be in a sexless relationship/marriage.

mareith

oh dear i know this is a problem can you not get together with hubby before the end of a good day so when end of day comes you will still be tired but hubby will be happier also hubby can help with tasks on a good day to give you both some us time
i dont want to appear crude but can you not sometimes please hubby without actually doing the deed if you know what i mean
also hubby should understand bad days are exactly that bad and it takes all your will to get through them
i am sure there are people on here who can give more advice for you
love from Mareith x

stickywicket

I'm fairly sure Arthritis Care have a leaflet on this, Mel. Try looking through the 'publications' section. I'm also fairly sure it'll be more help to you than I can be.

I guess we all deal with this differently. Mareith's offered some good suggestions. Basically (and I remember it all too well) when you have arthritis and young children it can be very hard to summon up any enthusiasm for anything else, even stuff you really enjoy with people you really love. Lovemaking can become just another chore to be fitted in at the end of the day.

I think it's great that you're prepared to tackle this head on because, all too easily, couples can drift apart, both feeling the other doesn't understand. Mr SW & I took a long time to get a 'working relationship' on this front. It's a classic example of how arthritis affects both partners in different ways. Your husband does need to be sensitive to your pain but, equally, his feelings aren't going to go away just because you have arthritis. I think a lot of talking, sharing of needs and desires and how difficulties can be mutually overcome is required here. Oh, and I do remember reading somewhere that the sexiest thing a bloke can do for a woman is the washing up! (It kind of works ie It shows he's aware.)

I hope either a publication (or the Helpline?) can help you. Maybe even relationship counselling? Good on you for raising the matter.

tkachev

Yes it is a problem and like you I want to conserve my energy to get other things done. I know my partner feels annoyed about this and it has caused major issues in our house.
Apart from tiredness I have the pain issue and before my THR it was almost impossible due to extreme pain.
It is a subject we should be able to talk about but it is not very private on here so find it difficult to talk!
SW that is exactly what I tell my OH. If he did things like the washing up instead of jumping into bed waiting for me and making me feel stressed I'd be there a lot quicker!

Elizabeth

Melrymax

Thanks guys . I said to my husband that he needs to do more than a kiss and a prod in my back lol. I have had a look on here and it brought up a website called relate which I have had a look at and they offer support in this area and offer a sort of relationship counselling thingy. So maybe the next step .

[Deleted User]

Have a look at the AC publications that may help http://www.arthritiscare.org.uk/PublicationsandResources/Relationshipsemotions

Moderator Z

barbara12

Hi Mel
The others have give you some good advice, at the end of our tether, I found that suddenly I blurted everything out to my hubby....and he realised how hard it had got for me.....I think it was the tears that did it really....the trouble is he thinks when I have had my first THR...then things will be fine....I dont think so :roll:
Good luck with everything

tkachev

barbara12 wrote:

Hi Mel
The others have give you some good advice, at the end of our tether, I found that suddenly I blurted everything out to my hubby....and he realised how hard it had got for me.....I think it was the tears that did it really....the trouble is he thinks when I have had my first THR...then things will be fine....I dont think so :roll:
Good luck with everything

My OH thought that too but although much better after the THR its not like pre-arther and sadly I don't think it ever will be !

Elizabeth

barbara12

tkachev wrote:

barbara12 wrote:

Hi Mel
The others have give you some good advice, at the end of our tether, I found that suddenly I blurted everything out to my hubby....and he realised how hard it had got for me.....I think it was the tears that did it really....the trouble is he thinks when I have had my first THR...then things will be fine....I dont think so :roll:
Good luck with everything

My OH thought that too but although much better after the THR its not like pre-arther and sadly I don't think it ever will be !

Elizabeth

Elizabeth....Im sure it wont be the same... :roll: in fact I will make sure its not..

valval

this is one of those subjucts that comes up time and again. how can you feel in the mood when you r in so much pain.
i know it awful but my oh had a bad neck for 6months and he was not in the mood so when he started having a go i explained that he only had a bad neck try to imagine when it most of your body and he did get it not saying he likes it. but when feel good things go with a bang but even then half my mind worrying in case i am in a position that going to cause trouble later on mornings can sometimes be a better time when things have got moving if there ever a time when you have the house to your selves but try not to worry about it just try to find a time that you actually feel like it then see what happens good luck val

stickywicket

Bumped up for val.

valval

thanks it one of those topics he does understand because he had pain for months as well but that does not meen he does not still have a need from time to time he would never pressure or even say i being un fair but that does not stop me from feeling i am being unfair to him val

pepperflo

I can relate to this topic, I struggle most days to just get through the day and where i could have got most of my jobs done in a few hours it now takes me most of the day, so at the end of the day I just want to relax, and find myself staying up to avoid being in the same bed, or go to my own room. My Husband says he understands but that doesn't stop me feeling guilty when I see the dissapointment on his face.

valval

pepperflo wrote:

I can relate to this topic, I struggle most days to just get through the day and where i could have got most of my jobs done in a few hours it now takes me most of the day, so at the end of the day I just want to relax, and find myself staying up to avoid being in the same bed, or go to my own room. My Husband says he understands but that doesn't stop me feeling guilty when I see the dissapointment on his face.

try to set aside a day to chill so that you have the energy once in a while i know it not easy but to keep saying no can put pressure on relationship that need not be there and a cuddle is lovely after val

pepperflo

I do try to sometimes, but without going into too much details I have some painful problems downstairs, and I think I make it worse as I tense up because I know its going to hurt. I have been to see a gneacologist, and reckon because I had an early hysterectomy, I'm going through the early menopause, so on the HRT patches now, so we will see how we go.

bubbadog

I think everyone on this site can sympathize with you on this subject, it's so hard to explain to your partner that your to tired or in to much pain.
But I have found the 'spoon position' which is when you lie on the bed and your husband lies behind you and you make love from that position, is more comfortable for me and I have read that it is the prefered position by disabled people. Hope that helps you.