No more family parties.

tkachev

Went to another family party yesterday and I always seem to end up as the bad guy. OH is complaining I fuss too much over our autistic son but there are so many 'dangers' that people take for granted I have to be on alert.
There is a side gate he can escape from (can't lock it cos people might want to come in and out) garden 'poisons' in the greenhouse and he can quite easily damage toys because he will ,and has in the past, used them inappropriately. So to avoid flack and accidents I have to monitor him. I expect to do all the caring as OH wants to drink and chat to his parents as asking for any helpjust ends in rows.

A few years back my children were blamed for getting a lot of chocolate over a new chair at this property. I was too ill to monitor them at that party and had really hoped others might help out but no help was forthcoming they don't seem to understand arthritis at all. So this year I kept a check on their sticky hands and made sure they were careful not to spill food and drinks as well as watching my son closely. All this requires a lot of walking about on dodgy hips and ankles but as I am better than previous years I feel I can cope.

I also messaged to check if there would be any music because my son would kick off with the noise and was told there would be no music yet somebody put on the radio and he fought to turn it off and got told off. I need to prepare him if there is music and feel I let him down as I promised there wouldn't be any.

Im angry as I get no thanks for m,aking an effort just a telling off from OH about fussing. I don't drink when i'm with the children and hardly have time to chat at these parties but accept that as part of my life but I am really upset about the lack of recognition.
I have decided not to go to any more OH 'family' parties. Incidently my family are great and always ask if I need help/food/drink and are always so kind.

Yours tearfully
Elizabeth

jillyb1

So sorry to hear about your exhausting experience ; people can be so unkind and insensitive can't they ? I now also avoid family gatherings from my husband's side of the family ever since I heard a sis in law say , " wish he wouldn't bring his wife , she always shows off by sitting in a wheelchair or using sticks ~ ruins the floors ! " Honestly don't know how you cope with the stress . Lots of rest and swearing under the breath recommended . Jillyb

elnafinn

Dear Elizabeth

I am so sorry to hear about your OH's family when you go there. It is difficult for me to understand because there would not be any of that with my extended family. There would always be someone, be that an adult or another child who was older to look out for anyone that may need more attention than usual. Admittedly the men would not fair so well with doing this though. It is so sad that it has come to this, Elizabeth, that you will no longer attend, but I can understand it must be a living nightmare for you when there, if you get no help. If family cannot muck in and realise that you may well want to sit, have a drink, enjoy the food and chat, then there really is not much point in going, is there? They obvously know that your son needs to have an eye kept on him, so why do they not offer, ast least for a time, so you can relax a little?

Hugs
Elna x

valval

i am so sorry it always amazes me how different familys can be my dads were always takers expecting others to put them selves out and my ohs are not much difference they have large pic of my youngest son nephew and nice up not my oldest made me mad so gave them a nice one but they did not put that up my son noticed as he was growing up and does not visit now he talks if he sees them out but does not go out of his way to visit it there loss in the end. you can not change them but it will cause problems with your oh when you do not go but he should help you out it would not hurt him to watch them for part of the time while you sit and eat then he could eat and drink when you take over marrige is a partnership and there has to be give and take on both sides for it to work. if you invite guests to your house you should make sure it suitable for all of them to enjoy them selves not leave you in this imposible position val

weejean

Elizabeth, how awful for you. Its not easy trying to keep an eye on the kids all the time to keep them out of mischief but your own illness makes it nearly impossible. I am sorry you feel that you wont be going to anymore family get togethers but it might just be for the best. I made the same decision last year as I was tired of being expected to run around after people and after all "its only arthritis", thats the line I hear constantly from my family. They just dont seem to understand how painful and restricting arthritis is. I hope you are ok.

Love Jean x

barbara12

Gosh Elizabeth, I am worn out just reading your post, why they dont have the sense to offer help is beyond me.
Its such a shame that is has come to this, I suppose it has gone beyond talking.
I do hope that somehow it can be resolved,
You take care

NinaKKang

delboy wrote:

tkachev wrote:

...I have decided not to go to any more OH 'family' parties.

That's the solution, why put up with the hassle as well as Arfur.

I totally agree with Del, Elizabeth - you have enough to cope with without all this added stress.
Nxx

constable

Hi Elizabeth

I am so sorry that you had an awful time at OH's parents. I think I would be feeling exactly the same as you. It seems to be the way of things that when they are your own no-one else wants to help. Does you OH know you are not going to any more of the parties yet.

I know myself from my youngest that they have to have prior warning of what is going to happen, otherwise they they cant cope.

I do hope that between the two of you some thing can be resolved.


Karen xx

janie68

Elizabeth

Im so sorry about what has happened to you. It beggars belief.

You have to protect yourself and your son, if they cant see sense then its the only way to go.

It reminds me of my family who see me as a inconvenience, I no longer put myself out for them, it was me who was suffering.

You are doing the right thing, and I hope that in time you will be able to discuss it with your OH.

Janie x

Poppyg1rl

Hi Elizabeth,
I read your post when you first put it on and was so angry! I thought I'd calm down and give any reply some serious thought, rather than the angry response that instantly leapt to my lips.
It sounds to me that your OH is a little bit in denial re your sons autism, why is it that you are the only one thinking ahead and doing a risk assessment of the family party? I may have the wrong end of the stick completely but, to leave you alone to deal with the care of your children seems terribly unfair and one sided. As for your OH's family, why on earth didn't they offer to help? Presumably they know the facts? That your son has autism and you have RA a chronic debilitating illness, What is wrong with these people?
I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all of this alone Elizabeth, it must have sapped every ounce of strength, with no thanks or recognition for your efforts.
For what it's worth, I think you're amazing, and a brilliant caring mum.
Not going to any more parties is probably for the best, you're in my thoughts Elizabeth, love and hugs xxx

tkachev

I have read all your lovely replies. Thank you so much. But it seems many of you have been through the same experience, I am gobsmacked at the comments you have received.

I won't mention to OH not going anymore as that will cause a row so will think of a good excuse when the time comes!

I have already dropped out of the Spanish Summer holiday for the same reasons plus I had a dreadful arguement with OH's very drunk dad in Spain as I accidently locked him out (the others were suppose to show me how to lock the door as I was alone babysitting while they all went out but got it wrong) . He frightened the life out of me, called me all the names under the sun (including tart which is not a nice thing to call anyone) and thought he was going to throttle me but I couldn't run away as all the children were asleep downstairs. I didn't get an apology for that either and OH didn't stand up for me. Sometimes I think I'm best out of that family!

Elizabeth

jillyb1

Good grief , Elizabeth , what a " lovely " family they are ! I think you most definitely must be better than the lot of them and to avoid being dragged to their level ; keep away from all of them . If your OH asks why , tell him their manners leave a lot to be desired and it's not the kind of behaviour you wish your children to witness ! Jillyb

oneday

Hi Elizabeth
I am the same as Poppy on this. I too read it, got annoyed too and thought why is the whole responsibilty on you plus the stress so you cant enjoy yourself especially when the family know and should help you out.
If theyre so insensitive its probably best to stay at home, what a shame.

frogmorton

Oh Elizabeth

they sound like the most dreadful family.

You poor thing - do none of them at all understand autism at all!!!!!! :shock: not AT ALL??????????? :shock: :shock:

you are doing right.

Dodge the visits - you can think of reasons for a good while before it's noticed and if OH asks in the end.....he needs teeling.

That holiday incident as well :shock: he deserved a real telling off for that and you have every right to avoid spain with them forever if you want to.

Love and hugs

Toni xx

liesa

Elizabeth, i wanna send you a big hug.. how awful leaving you to do all this on your own.... wont say what i really want to cos its not nice but im sure u can guess... definately get a 'migraine' or something similar next party and dont go!!! shame on your OH.... :shock:

tkachev

Thanks all. It helps to know I'm not over reacting! Trouble is I sound so bitter all the time( and life is too short for bitterness) and that is ammunition to fuel their dislike. So it is striking a balance.......I don't go out of my way to be rude so will avoid confrontation by staying at home. Like you say there are plenty of excuses.

Elizabeth x

tonesp

You choose your friends but your family is thrust upon you Don't bother with mine for a long time